This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 28 September 2021

Thoughts are better than prayers

Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers.

For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:

Boris thoughts

The prime minister thinks.

On the other hand, for totally trivial matters, such as a European Football Championship, only a totally trivial response is appropriate, such as this letter written to the football manager.

Boris letter

Prayers and hope!

Well, if Boris, my spiritual director, says so, it must be so. Prayers are only to be used for trivial matters ("O Lord, make sure the bus is on time" or "I humbly beseech Thee, grant that the shop still has a copy of the Tablet"). For really serious crises, it's THOUGHTS that count.

We used the ECCLESPROBE (TM) to drop in on the almost-empty mind of devout Catholic Joe Biden as he was attending Mass. It was impossible to get a coherent reading, but his thoughts seemed to be mainly of a huge ball of ice-cream flavoured with chocolate chips. Our theologians are still trying to explain this.

Biden and ice-cream

Spiritual nourishment.

Take this week's disaster, the volcano in La Palma, which has caused widespread damage, not to mention climate change. So prayers would be inappropriate here: only THOUGHTS are good enough. "Hmm, it must be hot there." "This volcano's CO2 emissions have stolen my dreams and my childhood." That sort of thing. The fact that people are thinking such deep thoughts must be a great comfort to those who've lost their homes.


THOUGHTS: "This is the fault of those Traddy Catholics." "No, this is the fault of Pope Francis."

Today is the Feast of St Wenceslaus (assassinated at the age of 24, so all those photos of an old man carrying pine logs are inaccurate). So, in best Catholic tradition, we think about him. Ready? Go!

Good King Wenceslaus

This walk is the only thing I'll ever be remembered for."

Saturday 25 September 2021

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Cartoon version of Mike Lewis

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

Pope Francis the toddler

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Lewis screams

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

Saturday 18 September 2021

Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: helter-skelter

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: crazy golf

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: moon

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spiritually nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich: plastic dinosaur

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York, wine and rum

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

Saturday 11 September 2021

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

Balgian minister struggling with mask

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.


Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee.

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Boris and social care

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

Continued in Chapter 20.

Thursday 9 September 2021

Joe Biden explains the use of Catholic artefacts

As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time ago, he once said to a crowd:

"The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat."

We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.

Biden with rosary

Open your mouth, Donald!

Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head. Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds.

Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!


Armed and ready for action.

Incense is another good weapon. If your neighbour has already swallowed your rosary beads without collapsing, then a good handful of the dry powder should help to choke him.

If that doesn't work, then there may be a baptismal font handy, and devout Catholics should be able to show their devoutness by drowning other less devout Catholics.

Your church may also be blessed with useful relics. Skulls, for example, make excellent missiles, and arm and leg bones can be used to deal a nasty injury to anyone who still says that you are not religious.


Ready for throwing at your political enemies.

When you have finished assaulting your neighbour ("the sign of peace"), don't forget to received Communion! Joe says it's OK, and Joe is a devout man.

Other suggestions may be left here, and will be passed on to President Biden the next time I see him at Mass.

Tuesday 7 September 2021

How to be a shy pope

We have already seen several pieces on "How to be a good pope", designed especially for those readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

But you may say, "I am too shy to be pope." There are certainly precedents for this.

Pope interview

The problems of a shy pope.

One very notable shy pope was John-Paul I, who refused to do anything that might draw attention to himself. No interfering with forms of worship, no heretical encyclicals, not even a spot of idol-worship. Indeed, he was so shy that he decided that the best thing to do was to die quickly.

Now we don't recommend this route. Let's say that you are elected at the age of 76 (if you are from the Philippines and good at liturgical dancing you may make it sooner), so you probably have about 20 years more to get through. You may, if very shy, retire early and spend your declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, but let's suppose you have at least 10 years of active popery.

Pope with face covered

One way to deal with shyness, but don't do it too often.

No banging on the table, then! Although you may shyly slap the occasional pilgrim. But that doesn't mean you can't, shyly, make changes of your own. For example, say that you want to forbid the Lord's Prayer, as being something that irritates you. Explain timidly that it is divisive - schismatic, if you like - and certainly against the Spirit of Vatican II. Leave it to the bishops to prevent use of the Lord's Prayer: then the faithful will blame THEM and not YOU. Oh, but I forgot - do praise that predecessor of yours who first allowed use of the Lord's Prayer - probably, St Peter in this case - but explain that it was time to "review" its use.

To take another example. Suppose that you have a passion for the Mexican God Huitzilopochtli, the recipient of many human sacrifices from the Aztecs. Then you can be photographed absent-mindedly attending such a human sacrifice (perhaps as part of a synod): by now some stooge will have written a biography of you, Fred - the shy pope, and he can be relied upon to explain to the faithful that the Huitzilopochtli statues actually represent a Catholic saint - let's say, St Joseph - and that the tearaway Austrian who threw some into the Tiber was definitely a fascist.

Pachamama service

"He's very shy you know. Too humble to complain about this."

One final example. It is part of the job description for a pope that he should churn out the odd encyclical or apostolic exhortation. You may not be very good at this, and will no doubt include the odd dozen errors - heresies, that sort of thing. Some cheeky cardinals are likely to notice and send you Dubia (a Latin word meaning "Are you crazy?") It would be very embarrassing for a shy pope to get into a theological debate, but all you have to do is ignore them. Again your closest pals will explain how wicked the cheeky cardinals are... not proper Catholics you know... responsible for climate change... not sympathetic to Fr Martin James your LGBT friend... Meanwhile, you sit shyly in the corner reading a novel.

Saturday 4 September 2021

The Mass that Divides

Subtitled "Austen Ivereigh goes to Church."

To understand why Pope Francis decided to persecute worshippers in the traditional Roman rite, his biographer spent two months diligently searching for some people who actually thought Francis was right, and finally located some in Ledbury.

The thriving Novus Ordo community of Ledbury (a huge crowd of 25 people who turn up at 9.30 and rush away quickly to avoid the Eucharistic Devotion and other divisive rituals) is up in arms because of the 11.30 Missa Cantata, attended by a mere handful of 40 people from three counties, who insist on divisive prayers such as the Rosary and share their divisive packed lunches afterwards, selfishly excluding those who prefer to stay in bed.

Ronnie Corbett

Dr Austin Powers.

Between the church and the car park, a late-middle-aged woman approaches with a broad smile. At first she starts saying how much she enjoyed the Two Ronnies, but then I point out that I am not the late Ronnie Corbett, and she becomes more serious. In the background I hear a murmuring from other parishioners "ROTA LAUSI BIO GRAPHI" as some of them recognise me. "That's Latin, you know," she says, and bursts into tears. "This was such a lovely parish, which used to have the ancient 1970s Vatican II (genuflects) liturgy, with the priest smiling at us cheekily throughout the Lord's Meal. But Fr Wiltshire sidelined us all, banned my Pachamama doll, and turned his back on us."

Following Traddies Cussed, Fr Wiltshire is technically breaking the law as Archbishop George Stack has not formally given him permission for the Divisive Mass to continue. Nobody in the parish objected when Fr Wiltshire conducted a 5.30 a.m. Divisive Mass once ever three months, but when the ritual started to be taken seriously they revolted.


A victim of the far-right divisive fascist traditional Mass.

"Huge divisive candles! Alt-right kneelers! Fascist packed lunches!" No wonder so many parishioners have fled to other parishes, where they can hear a truly vernacular Mass in the Herefordshire dialect ("oo-arr!") Nearby there are other vernacular masses in the Afghan Pashto and Dari tongues.

"Mona" (not her real name) tells me that she is disenfranchised. "It is the worst persecution Catholics have suffered since Henry VIII cut their heads off. Fr Wilshire even cut my head off when I complained to him. Of course it grew again after I prayed to St Paul VI."

But now with Traddies Cussed there is hope that 1960s normality will be restored. All the worshippers in the old rite are ancient, senile, and decrepit, so will probably die soon. Apart from the young families. Oh and the teenagers. And the children. But my point remains: THEY WILL DIE ONE DAY.

nasty little girl in mantilla

The sort of fascist whose jackboots are trampling over the Novus Ordo.

Pope Francis sent out a survey to bishops last year - you know, the guys who attend Masses two or three times a year - asking them whether they hated the TLM a little, a lot, or a hugey-biggy-gorblimey-lot. Yorkshire-born Archbishop Arthur Rogue was tasked with analysing the results, using fool-proof Dominion software and an extra batch of responses recently received from China. Conclusion: KILL THE TRADDIES.

A few paragraphs of waffle deleted here, sorry Austen. I know you're trying to rebrand yourself as an academic but you seem to have used a computer to write this next bit. Still, the bit where you mention someone close to the Pope is very good, and Signora Moppi the Cleaner's words "with charity, understanding and courage" describe Pope Francis's reign perfectly!

Hilda Ogden

One of the Pope's closest advisers.

Finally, I spoke to young virile Archbishop George Stack (75), who said, "I did enjoy the Two Ronnies! Oh, you're not. Anyway, don't bother me with this. I just want a quiet life, so I'll do whatever pleases the Pope most."

Will the people of Ledbury get their church back? Will English Catholics worship in English as they have since the days of St Augustine? Or will they be forced to attend divisive far-right masses with candles? In the next instalment of my 26-part essay on "Pope Francis the God" I will explore this further.

Thursday 2 September 2021

Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Robin Hood (1953)

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

I shot the sheriff

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.