This is me, Eccles
Tuesday, 28 September 2021
Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers. For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:
Saturday, 25 September 2021
A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.
hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them.
Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?
Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil
is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...
In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.
Saturday, 18 September 2021
Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...
bring in so many tourists save so many souls.
Saturday, 11 September 2021
Continued from Chapter 18. 1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer. 2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike. 3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"
Thursday, 9 September 2021
As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time ago, he once said to a crowd: "The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat." We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.
Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head. Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds. Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!
Tuesday, 7 September 2021
We have already seen several pieces on "How to be a good pope", designed especially for those readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!" But you may say, "I am too shy to be pope." There are certainly precedents for this.
Saturday, 4 September 2021
Subtitled "Austen Ivereigh goes to Church." To understand why Pope Francis decided to persecute worshippers in the traditional Roman rite, his biographer spent two months diligently searching for some people who actually thought Francis was right, and finally located some in Ledbury. The thriving Novus Ordo community of Ledbury (a huge crowd of 25 people who turn up at 9.30 and rush away quickly to avoid the Eucharistic Devotion and other divisive rituals) is up in arms because of the 11.30 Missa Cantata, attended by a mere handful of 40 people from three counties, who insist on divisive prayers such as the Rosary and share their divisive packed lunches afterwards, selfishly excluding those who prefer to stay in bed.
Thursday, 2 September 2021
Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.) Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.