This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 27 August 2018

The World Meeting of Comedians is a great success

H. E. Cardinal Blase Cupich, Bishop Peter Doyle, H.E. Cardinal Kevin Farrell, H.E. Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriquez Maradiaga, Fr James Martin S.J., H.E. Cardinal Vincent Nichols, H.E. Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, H.E. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, H.E. Cardinal Joseph Tobin, ... admit it, you're in stitches already at the thought of so many great comics present in one place at one time.

Regular fans will already be giggling and reciting these comedians' catch-phrases, such as "Nighty-night, baby!" or "Funds are not transferred in my name, but in the name of the archdiocese," or even, "I knew nothing of what McCarrick was doing!" and "Building a bridge!" The land that gave us Father Ted, a comedy about dysfunctional priests, was the perfect place to host its sequel, Uncle Ted.


After the Viganò dossier appeared, the emoji was hastily changed.

Of course, it was a great shame that Cardinal Wuerl was unable to come: our stall selling rotten eggs and tomatoes would have done much better business. Still, we were not there to look for profits, or even prophets.

James Martin and customer

"I'm so pleased that you weren't excluded, Father!"

Everything was designed to produce a feast of mirth, but one thing was lacking. We had druidical vestments (very good), but where were the bad hymns? No "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine Jesus, Shine"? Damian Lundy is turning in his grave, as would be Paul Inwood, Dan Schutte, and Bernadette Farrell, if anyone had bothered to bury them.

Cardinal Farrell painting

The Druids of Dublin, by Picasso.

One great mystery remains: why DID Cardinal Farrell use toilet cleaner rather than Holy Water? We asked him, and he replied that he was not there at the time; so what can one do?

Pope Francis was there, of course, hence the emoji we began with. He's having a difficult time at the moment, and we did speculate that, on the flight back, they might choose to drop him off at Elba, near which his aeroplane flew. But no, he made it back to Rome safely, and is now lying low and saying nuffin'. Well, it worked for the Dubia...

black emoji

The next WMOF, Italy 2021, will star Pope Pius XIII (Cardinal Sarah).

Monday 20 August 2018

The Pope's letter to the People of God

Most people will be unaware of this - I only found out today when Spadaro accidentally let the cat out of the bag - but there have been one or two complaints about our bishops and clergy recently.


Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.

Wuerl on St Peter's

Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!

I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Anyway, let's try again with that headline.


Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!

My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.

bad vestments

New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!

So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.

Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...

Pope emoji

I feel your pain!

Tuesday 14 August 2018

Marcantonio Colonna revealed to be Fr Thomas Rosica

When The Dictator Pope first came out, it was said to be authored by Marcantonio Colonna: it was not until several months later that someone realised that Mr Colonna had an alibi, as he had been dead for 400 years. Accordingly, it was then "revealed" that the author was Henry Sire, then Knight of the Order of Malta. Mr Sire suffered for this, being de-knighted.

However, that's not the end of the story, as it turns out that the true author of The Dictator Pope was Fr Thomas Rosica, the be-nighted Satan Lite media mogul and alleged Catholic priest.

Rosica's waffle

"Yes, Francis is a dictator and that is a GOOD THING."

Apologies to readers for two consecutive posts on our hero, Rosie, but he is a gift to spiritually nourishing bloggers.

Catholics tend to look down on Sola Scriptura teaching, because after all there are numerous ways to interpret certain Biblical passages, and until now it was best to interpret them in the light of tradition - that is, in the same way as the early Church did. But now we have Solus Franciscus, the view that all Catholic teaching should be torn up, and we should listen only to Pope Francis. Once you accept that, Amoris Laetitia will be your Bible, rather than, er, the Bible.


The Great Dictator, now available badly drawn on a lollipope.

Francis's record as a dictator is not in doubt - he may have invaded the Sovereign Order of Malta, he may have made all dissidents into unpersons, he may have promoted nonentities and heretics into positions of power, his speeches reek of fanaticism, but... but... oh yes, at least he makes the trains run on time in the Vatican.


Habemus Papam!

Some of Fr Rosica's words are a little difficult to understand. What's all this about the Pope being free from "disordered attachments"? Does this mean the boot for his adviser, Fr James Martin SJ, as disordered an attachment as you would ever expect to see? And what is Jesuit intellectualism? Is that something to do with never making clear-cut statements, but always speaking ambiguously, so that several heretical interpretations are possible? We need to be told.

Henry Sire

Henry Sire, now believed to be a sockpuppet of Fr Rosica.

Still, the main message is clear. Previous Popes were such boring fuddy-duddies, always repeating over and over again the messages of their predecessors, of the doctors of the Church, of the apostles, of Jesus... But now the Fourth Person of the Trinity has arrived. His Coming is predicted in the Bible, "And Lo! A Fat Argentinian Dictator will come to dwell among you. And he will tell you what I should have said, but got wrong."

Somewhere in the Book of Revelation, I fancy.

Saturday 11 August 2018

Fr Rosica interviews Cardinal Wuerl

We have watched it, so you don't have to.

Shifty-looking man (possibly Bill Clinton, possibly Cardinal Wuerl): Thank you, Fr Rosica, it's good to be back here, and I really appreciate the great work you do, Your Salt and Light empire is surely the saltiest and lightest media empire the world has ever seen, and you're looking great yourself too! That "Dolan" diet of yours has really given you a great figure!

Also, your work, day in, day out, insulting Catholics, is very valuable, and much appreciated by the USCCB.

Rosica and Wuerl

"Is it all right if I explain to you how wonderful I am?"

Fat man (possibly Oliver Hardy, possibly Fr Rosica): We love you too, Cardinal, and we think the American bishops are doing a fine job! You haven't had a cardinal dragged off to prison for at least three days now! That shows that you're giving a great message of hope to all of us. Tell us more about the ground-breaking initiatives you are proposing.

Wuerl: Why, you do ask some tough questions, Rosie! Yes, we are planning a brilliant new scheme whereby we get the bishops to be judged by an external and impartial group of, er, other bishops. Or perhaps by themselves. What can possibly go wrong?

Comical Ali

All is going well in the USCCB.

Rosica: That's FANTASTIC, Cardinal. Only an Einstein of the bishop world could have thought of that. May I kiss your boots? We all adore Pope Francis, but you will make a worthy successor when the time comes!

Wuerl (blushing): I am not worthy! Well, actually I am, but perhaps we could cut that bit from the interview. I'm hoping that when the white smoke appears and they say "It's Whirly!" everyone will be simply relieved that it's not Cupich.

Rosica: Well, that's all in the future, about the time that dear old Jimmy Martin becomes a bishop. Now, I know I've been probing really hard today - as the bishop said to the actor...

Wuerl: I deny it! I was never there. [embarrassed silence] Oh, sorry, that was a joke, wasn't it?

Rosica: Yes, but let me ask another difficult question, which the everyday layman-in-the-pew has a right to know the answer to. What is it that makes you so extremely wonderful?

Wuerl:You've got me! A question I simply can't answer. There are too many reasons to name...

Rosica: Well, let's stop there. I next have to interview Cardinal Farrell, Cardinal Tobin, and Cardinal Cupich about the prospects for the World Series. Nighty-night, babe!

Wuerl and McCarrick

Well done, Donald, you've taken a weight off everyone's mind.

Thursday 9 August 2018

Why can't Christians be more like Muslims?

Christian leaders have united in a joint effort to make Christianity a protected religion like Islam, marathon-running, cycling, and homosexuality. Pray outsider an abortion-clinic, and you will be screamed at by Rupa Huq and possibly arrested by the police; wear a crucifix at work, and you may be sacked (even if you're a priest).

London Marathon

A new look for the annual pilgrimage to Chartres.

On the other hand, if you wish to dress your wife like a letter box (© Boris Johnson), insist that your meat is produced from animals killed as painfully as possible, and jump out at people shouting "Allahu Akbar", then woe betide anyone who criticises you; if you wish to dress indecently and parade through the streets, making lewd suggestions at passers-by, then the police will probably join in (or if you wish to pretend you are a member of the opposite sex, then nobody may dispute this); and if you want to take place in a marathon race or a cycle ride, the streets will be closed for you, and non-worshippers told to stay at home. Words such as Islamophobia, homophobia, transphobia, marathonophobia and cyclophobia are bandied around as a way of stopping debate.

pillar box

One of the Little Sisters of the Post models her new habit.

So from now, Christians will be behaving more like Muslims and the other protected groups. Expect Christians to jump out at you with knives crying "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" (for the Catholics, Pope Francis has agreed to make a little update to the Catechism permitting this). Some religious denominations will take part in "Christian Pride", dressing up in gaily-coloured costumes, and insisting on the participation of policemen. Anyone who refuses to take part will be guilty of "hate crime".

women bishops

"Some people thought we were real bishops!"

Catholics are also demanding special "Catholic lanes" in our streets, so that pilgrims can march in safety, unimpeded by cars, cycles, shoppers, etc. Anglicans are demanding that Henry VIII be accorded the same status as the prophet Mohammed - no cartoons or derogatory remarks allowed, and priests expected to sing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" from church towers as an early morning call to prayer. Baptists and other Sola Scriptura types will be taking "Bible-bashing" literally by slamming the Good Book down on the heads of any unbelievers.

Cupich and Martin

"Are you sure this Christianity of yours is compatible with our gay faith?"

In the interests of equality, diversity, drone, drone, we think that this new Christian initiative will be popular with all sections of society. What could possibly go wrong?

Thursday 2 August 2018

How to change the Catholic Catechism

This is another instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good Pope", targeted towards those of our readers who are looking forward to sitting in the hot seat and want to be fully prepared.

Now, it may arise at some stage in your pontificate that your best friends are involved in homosexual scandals. After all, it could happen to any of us one day. Suppose that "Uncle Fred" (of the St Wormwood and Gall Mafia that got you the papal job) has been sodomising the wrong people. Suppose that his bosom friend Kevin Farrago denies knowing anything about it, in spite of sharing a bed home with Fred for several years. Suppose that Cardinal "The Donald" Whirl never knew that the diocesan funds had been used to pay off Fred's victims. Suppose also that there's another dodgy cardinal in the loop, who keeps tweeting "Nighty night snugglebum" to his sisters. Suppose that Cardinal Spinach... oh, never mind.

Trouble with the Barque of St Peter? No, you're doing fine!

Quick! A distraction! It's not enough to ask your friend Father Martin James to tweet some new heretical thoughts about how Jesus learned how to do miracles by talking to the little boy who was wandering round with five loaves and two fishes. No use inviting even more dodgy characters to the World Meeting of Dysfunctional Families in Dublin. Kim Jong-un has only said "maybe", Omar al-Bashir is out massacring people, Barack Obama is playing golf, and Emma Bonino is too busy designing a more powerful bicycle pump. Oh, what can you DO?

Simple! Rewrite the Catechism. Do it secretly before announcing it, and do in a Jesuitical way, so that people will be arguing whether you have really tried to change Catholic teaching under their feet. The Death Penalty is a good one to experiment with. Now we know you're against it, although traditional Catholic teaching hasn't gone that far. But you can pretend that it has.

Francis and Morales and that evil artefact

"It's for a new touchy-feely Communism, where you don't murder the dissidents."

Now, the language you use has to be Jesuitical, or else people will understand exactly what you're trying to say. We've gone past Good and Evil, Right and Wrong, Sin and Redemption. You could try "inadmissible". That's a good word that can mean anything.

Of course, once people have got used to receiving updates to the Catechism, perhaps by daily emails, you can change it as much as you like without worrying too much about traditional teaching. Homosexuality disordered? No, of course not. Transgenderism a delusion? Not likely! Adultery a sin? Oh COME ON, haven't you read Amoris Laetitia?


"Bless me, Father, for I have done something inadmissible."
"No, my daughter, the Pope has changed the Catechism, and it's all right now."

Meanwhile, in the popular press, it's POPE ECCLES HAS CHANGED CATHOLIC TEACHING. If they think you can do that, maybe you really can do it?