Eccles's hair salon

Following the news that Paul Barber has been appointed Director of the Catholic Education Service, we discussed the matter with some unsuccessful candidates for the job.

Monty P. Barber.

"It's clear that there was some mistake in Paul Barber's appointment, and they intended to appoint a totally different barber, one who wouldn't implement a cut in standards. Cuts! Blood! Wounds! Aaagh... After his disastrous behaviour as governor of the Cardinal Vaughan school, this new man's actions are likely to lead to a lot of bad blood with parents. Blood! Sever! Psycho! Aaagh... I'd make a much better director, but now I'm thinking of diversifying into the lumberjack business."

Sweeney Todd.

"I could see at the job interview that things were going badly for me. I somehow thought that in the cut-throat world of Catholic education Vincent Nichols might want someone who was not afraid to murder parents and get them made into pies. He could have appointed me."

Ted Kaczynski, alias Oona Bomber.

"I am a registered 'domestic terrorist,' only too keen to do my bit towards destroying schools and homes. I offered my services to Vincent Nichols, but for some reason I wasn't even shortlisted."

Eccleston Square. Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate!

Bosco's vicctim

As we reveeled yesterday, my bruvver Bosco has been given a licennse to kill. By sayin lotsa Hale Marys and payin a fee to Farver Arfur de funny preist, Bosco has purchassed de rihgt to commit one mudrer knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven. (Dis is Cathlic thoelogy, we what is saved can do what we wants alreddy, as we is washed in de blood of de Labm.)

"Dat's grate, Bosco," I said, "is we gonna git rid of Anti Moly? We doesnt get much sleep at nihgts as she stays up until dawn bloggin and screemin at de lapptop. What's more has you seen what she done to de Calumny Chappel? It's walkin around on legs. Dat aint natural for a churhc. Pastor Vermicelli is furrious."

Bosco gave me a strange look and said "Nope, I got a more obviuos vicctim."

"You ain't goin to kill off one of your girlfiends, is you?" I asked. "De fat one is it, wiv de beuatiful duaghter dat you got on your blogg? Or Damain Thopmson? He seems to have stopped being saved now, and is turnin into a Cathlic again - he's even writing bloggs about Cradinal Vauhgan School, where de kids are tuaght how to worship iddles and dey gets beeten if dey looks at de Bibble."

Bosco smiled eniggmatically.

"Oh well, will you let me know when you has got a victtim, darlin bruvver?" I asked.
"Certtainly, Eccles," said Bosco, "you will be de first to know."

My bruvver is a kind pusson really. He told me dat he has fuond a recippe for cookin allmonds, and he is goin to make me an allmond pie for dinner tonihgt. I took a photto of Bosco cookin dinner. He is wearin a gas massk, and dat's becuase he's got bad breath and dont want to annoy us.

Before I goes in for dinner, I wants to tell you about a grate book dat Bosco fuond on de Internnet, which has got some pitchers of de crimes of Cathlics. We aint entirely sure who dese guys is, but de small chap is called David, which is a Cathlic name, and he looks like a nasty piece of work.