Is the Universe under threat?

Regular observers of the (Catholic) Universe have been shocked recently on sighting some new intruders, which many regard as a serious threat to civilisation as we know it.

The late Sir Patrick Moore attempts to explain the Universe.

Although the Universe contains several bright stars, which - in accordance with this blog's policy of never being nice to anyone - we shall not single out individually, astronomers have long known of the existence of other strange objects. One such is the large gas cloud known as McDonagh's Nebula, named after the distinguished eco-theologian, whose endless sermons on why Jesus hated global warming and genetically-modified wheat shed very little light on the Heavens.

The Universe, in more peaceful times.

However, what has caused significant distress recently is the emergence of a small group of red dwarves - these are ancient, decayed bodies, and generally not very bright. These particular ones are collectively known as the cluster of ACTA. Professor Joseph Kelly, a leading expert, is said to have dismissed the sighting as a reflection of "diversity", and so far the red dwarves, although irritating, are not believed to be a permanent threat to the Universe. Scientific theories predict that that they will eventually collapse into a black hole and never be seen again.

A black hole. Note how it leads to a distortion of all teaching nearby.

Similarly, a sighting of the dwarf star Loftus in the constellation of the Basilisk shocked many people a week or two ago: although it was very prominent in the 1960s, it was not expected to flare up again, and many astronomers had regarded it as extinct. Because of its distinctly eccentric orbit, many do not regard Loftus as a truly Heavenly body.

Finally, one astronomer complained of the Fifty Sheds of Gray.

Bad Hymns 15

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Fr John Glynn, who is going to tell us about his hymn I watch the sunrise.

I watch the sunrise.

E: Good to have you here, John. I see from your website that your hymn has been used in a variety of contexts: radio, TV, films,... why, some people even sing it at weddings and funerals.

JG: Yes, it also makes a great accompaniment to Tom and Jerry cartoons, especially the bit where Jerry is hitting Tom over the head with a hammer: he sings the moving words, I watch the hammer, hitting your head.

E: Well, that's enough free advertising. Let's talk about the hymn itself. There's a lot in it about what you do all day long, but not much about God, really.

JG: I've got a lot of time on my hands these days, Eccles, and I do spend most of the day staring out of the window.

E: So I see. Now, in verse 1 you've got up bright and early to see the sunrise, and you're rambling on about the shadows the sun casts.

JG: Yes, many worshippers don't realise that the sun casts shadows, so I thought I'd point this out.

Evidence that the sun does indeed cast shadows.

E: But of course God is close as well. That's the main message of the hymn - in fact the only one - apart from a detailed description of what you do all day long. I watch the sunrise/sunlight/sunset/moonlight.

JG: Here's a verse we didn't use, Eccles. It was again about watching things, but it has a tragic theme to it.

I watch the toaster warming the bread,
Grilling my toast for tea,  
But, as it pops up into my face,
I feel that pain is near me.

E: It would be good for funerals, maybe, John. Moments of sadness, and all that. Not so good for weddings, maybe,

JG: No, also it does get away slightly from the main theme of the song, which is astronomical observations.

I watch the planets, when the sky's clear, bumbling along their ways.

E: I was going to ask about that, actually. What do you do when it's cloudy, and you can't see the sun?

JG: Go down to the pub, usually. I didn't write a verse about that.

John Glynn's favourite pub.

E: I still have this problem that I confuse your song with another better-known one:

I see skies of blue,
And clouds of white.
The bright blessed day,
The dark sacred night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world. 

Oh yeah.

What John Glynn was trying to say.

JG: Yes, that does seem to have as much religious content as my own song. It's even got the words "blessed" and "sacred" in it, so we know it's a genuine hymn. And the "Oh yeah" at the end is classic Paul Inwood, if I'm not mistaken.

E: Jealous?

JG: Just a bit. Still, my hymn is in all the hymn books, and that's what counts. Also, the producers of a forthcoming Dracula musical have been thinking of getting the Count to sing a new verse:

Can't see the sunlight, I'm underground,
Lying inside my tomb,
And, as I rest from chasing the girls, 
I feel the earth is near me.

E: You could use that verse at funerals too, couldn't you? John Glynn, thank you for talking to us.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.