Why Vladimir Putin made me join Femen

Cristina Odone writes:

I loathe Vladimir Putin. Have you noticed how all Russian tyrants have names ending in -in? Lenin, Stalin, Putin, ... oh, and my friend Damian Thompson suggests Borodin. Well, there must be something in it.

Wasn't Cristina Odone hilarious this week?

On the other hand, I admire Peter Tatchell for his uncompromising campaign to allow people to fly stripy flags at the Winter Olympics - I hope you're reading this, Mr MacGregor - and we won't talk about his attempts to reduce the age of consent!

So, having read of the Pussy Riots, and the activities of Femen, I am forced to choose. Do I stand up for orthodox Catholic teaching, and win the support of my old mates from the Catholic Herald? Or do I make myself the darling of the Guardian and the BBC, by joining Femen?

It's time to strip off!

The decision was clear. I could not be seen to be siding with Putin, so I had to side with the Pussy Riots - after all, I am a cat lover - and with Femen. You'll soon see me in Westminster Cathedral, shouting "Stripy flags for all!" And I'll bet that someone will soon come along with a stripy flag and cover me up!

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Sally Bercow writes:

Cristina Odone's latest meltdown means that Edward Lucas has to go.

Eugh! Cristina Odone has gone too far. By her appalling writing, she has demeaned her husband's high office at the Economist, and trashed a good man's reputation - although, to be fair, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem to be too worried.

Take our advice, Cristina!

Why can she not act with dignity, as befits her position? You wouldn't catch me behaving like that! It is a scandal, and Edward Lucas should suffer the consequences and resign. If he cannot put his own house in order, how can he be trusted to advise the highest in the land from the exalted position he occupies?

Parish of St Daryl the Apostate

Father Arthur writes:

REINTERPRETING ST PAUL. Today's epistle of St Paul to the Ephesians is a challenge to us, isn't it? How can St Paul's words "Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord" possibly apply in the 21st century?

Of course, what Paul really meant was that one member of each married couple should be designated the "husband," while the other should be designated the "wife." It is not necessary for the husband to be male, nor the wife to be female. Indeed, in our modern world, where couples may be same-sex, transgendered, or "don't-know," it is important to escape from sexual stereotyping. St Paul, although he suffered from the disadvantage of living in a world where access to birth-control, abortion and pornography were severely limited, would certainly have agreed that this is the only way to go.

In our family, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

FREE MASS ON. This week, St Daryl's was pleased to welcome our Masonic brethren for a truly ecumenical Mass. Although, technically the Vatican has shown a slight disapproval of freemasonry in the past, as in Pope Ignitus's frankly-worded Encyclical De Masone Comburendo, we freely admit that we at St Daryl's are in the vanguard when it comes to liberal thinking. We all had a great time at the "Free Mass," especially when I said "roll up your trouser legs" and the congregation replied "we roll them up unto the Lord." Moreoever, the "funny handshake of peace" with our neighbours was another innovation that we may well use again in future weeks.

Masons - helping us to build bridges.

PUSSY RIOTS. Likewise, we at St Daryl's are showing our support for the so-called "Pussy Riot" girls, who attempted to bring the fresh air of liberalism into the stuffy old Orthodox church. We are making a humble gesture of solidarity with these heroic rebels against misogyny, capitalism and (Fr Pau, please find out what they were actually demonstrating against and fill in something here. Thanks) as this photo, taken before Sunday's Mass, indicates.

Our altar-servers, in their new vestments, waiting for "kick-off."

ST DARYL'S CAR PARK. In this era, when the main spiritual issues that concern us are global warming, climate change, the melting of the ice caps, and the extinction of fluffy polar bears, it is obviously unreasonable for us to come to church by car (Michael Mann, our churchwarden, has done a statistical analysis and says that every time a car parks at St Daryl's a fairy dies). Therefore, we have begun work to convert the church car park into a bus station, complete with a fast food outlet, newsagent's and "gay" bar (all profits to church funds). Unfortunately, this has necessitated the demolition of our shrine to the blessed St Daryl, but we must all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

The environmentally friendly way to travel to Mass.

LATELY DEAD. Keir Bertrand Russell Lenin Jones, age 85. Stanley Baldwin Kitchener Allenby Robinson, age 94. (Miss) Laurel Hardy Chaplin Groucho Brown, age 83.

RECENT BAPTISMS. David Harper Seven United Smith. Gaga Beyoncé Wilson. Julian Assange Ecuador Asil Nadir Taylor.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23.

Pussy-footing round Wallsingham

The story so far: Eccles (saved) and Anti Moly (unsaved) has gone to Wallsingham, where my dere bruvver Bosco (very saved) is tryin to save de suols of de piglrims wot turns up.

So it was a great surprise to see Bosco drivin north out of Wallsingham wiv a great truck full of tommato ketchop.

Bosco heads for de seaside

He was headin for a place called Wells-next-de-sea, so we went and fuond our chuaffeur, Dan Hannan, and gave chase. I should mentoin dat Hannan is a great expert on Shakespeare, and he has got nicknames for all of us: he calls Bosco "Caliban," Anti Moly "Hecate," and me "Fool" (dem's cruel words, Dan). Some time I will reveel what nickname he has got for Damain Thopmson, his employer. Any geusses?

Well, we got to Wells, where Bosco was preachin to an audeince of holiday-makers, explainin dat de Rapture is at hand, and dat dey aint saved like him. By some strange miracle, which Bosco aint gonna explain, de sea had gone all red, and Bosco says dat it was turned to blood. Which is a sign, innit, Bosco dere?

De North Sea has turned to blood.

Bosco says we is gonna see more signs dat de last days is at hand. I is wonderin what he means.

Anti Moly didn't like Wells, and instead showed us some snaps of de seaside at luvvly Pottymouth in Austriala, her home town. She is feelin a little homesick.

De seaside at luvvly Pottymouth

We returned to Wallsingham, and Bosco got himself into truoble. Dis time it wasnt de Cathlics but de Orfodox Church dat was de recipeints of Bosco's missionary activities. Did you know dat de Greek Orfodox church used to be a railway station?

One of de stations of de cross

Bosco decided dat de Wallsingham Calumny Chappel was gonna organize a "Pusey Riot" in de Orfodox Church. I aint reely understood dis, but I looked up on Wikkipedia who Pusey was, and he was an Angliccan. Dey dont worship iddles as much as de Cathlics and Orfodox does, so maybe dey is a bit more saved.

De Calumny Chappel's Pusey Riot.

Well, dis is likely to lead to all sorts of truobles, as churches doesnt like you goin outside de bounds of de litturgy. I remember once Damain Thopmson took us to a Lattin Mass and we had to say "Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor." I fuoght it meant somefink like "I is washed in de blood of de Labm," but no, it means "Frow holly water over me, Farver." Bosco weren't too pleased at bein soaked, and he struck back.

Lavabis te, Fr Prescott

Anyway, never mind de remminiscences, I fink dis Pusey Riot of Bosco's is goin to have severe reppercussions.