The Book of St Richard, Chapter 24

Continued from Chapter 23

1. And it came to pass that Richard was invited to the prestigious Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism; this was because many years ago he had been a scientist, and he was in those days still a skeptic, or at least a sceptic.

2. And he accepted with alacrity, saying, "It will enable me to rub shoulders with many luminaries of whom nobody has ever heard, not to mention Michael Mann, he who hath produced a 'hockey stick' graph showing that the world will be consumed by fire if we do not shower gold upon him."

3. "And, although I shall fly to New York, that I may claim the miles of air, yet shall I pretend that I walked from Oxford, so that my giant footprints of carbon be hidden from the gaze of Mann."

Cometh the Nemesis of Richard.

4. But it was not to be, for there came into Richard's life a woman named Chanty Binx.

5. This was a woman with red hair, not unlike the fair Mrs Dawkins; well, at least, if the fair Mrs Dawkins had decided to dress up for Hallowe'en to scare the breeches off Richard.

6. She was known as an example of the hard-line feminist that screameth abuse, hateth men, and sweareth like the fabled fishwives of the Gate of Billings.

7. So it came to pass that on the Tube of Yew there appeared a song that mocked extreme Islamists and feminists.

8. And Richard found pleasure in this song by a fellow-atheist, and recommended it to his disciples.

The shanty that mocketh Chanty.

9. However, as scripture hath it, "Stick not thy nose into a nest of hornets, lest it be stung until it swelleth like the hippopotamus of the Nile."

10. And Richard was told that he was encouraging rape and death threats.

11. For why did he not confine himself to attacking the followers of Christ, who deserved all they got?

12. Thus Richard's invitation to the fleshpots of New York was withdrawn; for, in the words of the prophet Necsas, "Unpopular and offensive views are fine, but if we disagree with them they become divisive, counterproductive, hate speech."

Richard is banned from the "world's biggest bores" conference. [click to enlarge]

13. And some said "NECSS hath got cold feet. Doth Michael Mann know of this climatological phenomenon?"

14. But Richard was sore exasperated and said unto himself, "Atheists! Are ye not sick of them? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING???"

Richard is wounded.

Continued in Chapter 25.

The Pope's Encyclical on Climate Change

Blessings upon you, my flock. Before we start, may I just mention that you're all suffering from spiritual jetlag and climatological hangovers, you brood of vipers. Indeed, the purpose of my addressing you today is to warn you that you are destined for the furnace of fire, as warned in Matthew 13:50. For unless we instantly ban all cars, lightbulbs and washing-machines, the Earth will be consumed by flames, and that can be pretty disagreeable, I'm sure you'll agree.

You have been warned!

Now, in this letter I want to concentrate on the teaching of two doctors of the Church. The first is his eminence Michael Mann, who saw a mystic vision of a hockey-stick, which, like the Holy Grail, turned out to be very elusive when people searched for it in this world.

Sir Michael de Mann seeks the Holy Hockey-Stick.

The second learned doctor is his eminence Albert de Gore, author of An inconvenient truth, which correctly predicted that the world's temperature would rise by fifty degrees in five years, the seas would rise by twenty feet, and that the whole of the UK would disappear under the waves, except for Ben Nevis, UNLESS we bought carbon credits from him and banned all things that emit carbon dioxide, including pet cats, bishops, and bottles of Coca-Cola. A prophet is without honour in his own country, as someone once said - I can't remember who, off hand - and it is to the shame of the human race that the blessed Albert was so cruelly mocked.

Albert Hallin Kensington Gore.

I myself have noticed a change in climate. Since I moved to Rome, I have observed that July and August have become far hotter than they ever were in Buenos Aires. Admittedly, January and February have been a bit disappointing, but since they insist that I wear heavy papal vestments, rather than the humble rags favoured by St Francis, I never find it very cold.

You may think that there are more serious issues we need to address in the world: the complete massacre of Christians in the middle-east is undeniably irritating, and I shall be writing a stiff letter to Mr Jihad-John pointing out that he is slipping into neo-Pelagianism. Some of you may think that world famine is an inconvenience, and others may wonder whether letting 600,000 people per year die of malaria is a Good Thing or not. But that's all peanuts compared with the threat of having to turn the heating down by a degree or two in the next hundred years.

Dangerously hot weather in Egypt!

The Catholic Church is taking a lead here: from now on we'll have no more candles, and no more burning of incense - these are nasty traditionalist warming rituals that smack of Donatism, as my expert on heresy, Cardinal Nichols, assures me. Stop sniggering at the back there, Cardinal Pell. I'll deal with you later.

Right! Stop that at once!

Since China is building dozens of new coal-fired power stations, you may wonder whether there is really any virtue in our turning off the heating and dying of cold this winter, simply in order to reduce our own CO₂ emissions. Well, when the Apocalypse comes, the unbelievers will suffer first, mark my words. In the words of Jude 1:7: Shanghai and Guangzhou, and the neighbouring cities, in like manner, were made an example, suffering the punishment of eternal fire.

Meanwhile, I am doing my bit for the salvation of Cardinal Burke, by driving him out into the cold. What a thoughtful pope I am.

Addendum: I did not make this up. Just as Richard Dawkins became an instant theologian, the Holy Father has become an instant climatologian.

Parish of St Daryl the Apostate

Father Arthur writes:

REINTERPRETING ST PAUL. Today's epistle of St Paul to the Ephesians is a challenge to us, isn't it? How can St Paul's words "Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord" possibly apply in the 21st century?

Of course, what Paul really meant was that one member of each married couple should be designated the "husband," while the other should be designated the "wife." It is not necessary for the husband to be male, nor the wife to be female. Indeed, in our modern world, where couples may be same-sex, transgendered, or "don't-know," it is important to escape from sexual stereotyping. St Paul, although he suffered from the disadvantage of living in a world where access to birth-control, abortion and pornography were severely limited, would certainly have agreed that this is the only way to go.

In our family, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

FREE MASS ON. This week, St Daryl's was pleased to welcome our Masonic brethren for a truly ecumenical Mass. Although, technically the Vatican has shown a slight disapproval of freemasonry in the past, as in Pope Ignitus's frankly-worded Encyclical De Masone Comburendo, we freely admit that we at St Daryl's are in the vanguard when it comes to liberal thinking. We all had a great time at the "Free Mass," especially when I said "roll up your trouser legs" and the congregation replied "we roll them up unto the Lord." Moreoever, the "funny handshake of peace" with our neighbours was another innovation that we may well use again in future weeks.

Masons - helping us to build bridges.

PUSSY RIOTS. Likewise, we at St Daryl's are showing our support for the so-called "Pussy Riot" girls, who attempted to bring the fresh air of liberalism into the stuffy old Orthodox church. We are making a humble gesture of solidarity with these heroic rebels against misogyny, capitalism and (Fr Pau, please find out what they were actually demonstrating against and fill in something here. Thanks) as this photo, taken before Sunday's Mass, indicates.

Our altar-servers, in their new vestments, waiting for "kick-off."

ST DARYL'S CAR PARK. In this era, when the main spiritual issues that concern us are global warming, climate change, the melting of the ice caps, and the extinction of fluffy polar bears, it is obviously unreasonable for us to come to church by car (Michael Mann, our churchwarden, has done a statistical analysis and says that every time a car parks at St Daryl's a fairy dies). Therefore, we have begun work to convert the church car park into a bus station, complete with a fast food outlet, newsagent's and "gay" bar (all profits to church funds). Unfortunately, this has necessitated the demolition of our shrine to the blessed St Daryl, but we must all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

The environmentally friendly way to travel to Mass.

LATELY DEAD. Keir Bertrand Russell Lenin Jones, age 85. Stanley Baldwin Kitchener Allenby Robinson, age 94. (Miss) Laurel Hardy Chaplin Groucho Brown, age 83.

RECENT BAPTISMS. David Harper Seven United Smith. Gaga Beyoncé Wilson. Julian Assange Ecuador Asil Nadir Taylor.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23.

Yet more bloggs

St Gordon of Kirkcaldy
By Mary Drilled

Mary Drilled's photo marks the 100th anniversary of the death of Bram Stoker

Gordon Brown now spends his days in retirement in a darkened room in Kirkcaldy, his only reward being an MP's pittance of £65,000, together with necessary expenses (most recently, an invoice from Jock McBogey's Glazing Repairs, for a window damaged by a flying laser-printer, £300+VAT). But until 2010 he was the most powerful man in the free world, the saviour of civilization as we know it. The verdict of history on Gordon Brown will surely be: We Owe So Much.

 Of course Ed Miliband is wonderful too, so handsome, so masterful. He can't make his eyes revolve in opposite directions at the same time, as Ed Balls can, but let's face it, is that really a necessary qualification to be PM? But it is Gordon whose photo I have on my bedside table, the Pride of Scotland.

Surely this man is a god?

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Viagra, sex, and pianist envy
By James Hordes

As a famous but iconoclastic pianist  - I'll get a better picture later, but I never really understood the instructions in those photo booths - I went to a concert recently. It featured a new sensational Chinese pianist, Miss To Tee. I can't remember much about what she was playing (it was one of those seriously uncool dudes, Beethoven, maybe) but I did notice that she certainly wasn't "flat". As I munched my way through a packet of Viagra tablets, and swelled to a climax with the melody, I said to myself, "Yes! This is what classical music is all about!"

Damian Thompson can keep his Bach (that Baroque wig he wears when he thinks nobody is watching doesn't suit him anyway). Give me To Tee tickling the ivories any day. Or the new CD set  from Cora Bimbo, in the deluxe edition with extra photos. YES!!!

Playing Fauré's Dolly Bird Suite

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Is Monbiot trying to kill me?
By James Goldenpile

I was eating my cold toast for breakfast today (no warming required), when I was struck by a terrible thought: is George Monbiot trying to kill me? Call me paranoid if you like, but I remember that the last time I appeared on Any Questions? with him, he was carrying an umbrella, and I am fairly sure that it was he who jabbed me in the leg half-way through the programme. I was explaining once more how Michael Mann had produced his hockey-stick graph by massaging his data, adding in his friends' telephone numbers and converting them to Fahrenheit. But the warmists are up to their dirty tricks as usual.

There's definitely a Libtard conspiracy to suppress the truth. Indeed, the man on the Sainsbury's fish counter looks suspiciously like Al Gore, and is obviously ready to slip me a poisoned haddock if I let my vigilance slip. But Monbiot is at the centre of it. He's a master of disguise too - the old lady who nearly barged me off the pavement yesterday didn't look anything like him, so that proves it.

Phew, it's cold today, isn't it? I told you there was an ice-age coming.

There's something sinister about him, don't you think?

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Concluded here.