Fraser St Giles to be closed down

Following a remarkable article in the Guardian, proposing a "Beeching axe" to English country churches (Anglican, presumably, although most were formerly Catholic), it has been announced by Network Rail that all train services from Fraser St Giles are to be withdrawn.

As Gray's Elegy in a Country Churchyard put it: sorry, we've been closed down.

The prospect of English country churches closing down, and perhaps - as a result of the Vicky Beeching axe - to be replaced by a network of gay-friendly "encounter centres", open to all, including atheists (but NOT Conservatives, of course), is an inviting one.

The future for rural English worship.

Meanwhile, is it not in the spirit of England that old ladies should cycle to communion in the morning mist? And if they have to cycle 30 miles to an urban church (the only ones that we should allow!), then we will be breeding a new generation of super-fit old ladies, which must be good for the nation.

Giles Fraser explains his new plans for the Anglican church.

Beeching of course was greatly admired for his fearless cuts to rail services. The people in such towns as Gosport, Dunstable, and Otley, for example, never cease to thank their lucky stars that they are not troubled by the noise of trains.

As for Fraser St Giles, well it was a rather unaesthetic station, mainly known for its 7.49 a.m. "thinkers" special and its occasional more substantial "Loose Canon Street" journeys. Often there were problems with services going off the rails, and delays caused by the wrong kind of beliefs on the line. But there are still people prepared to defend this anachronism.

Supporters of Fraser St Giles demonstrate against its planned closure.

Vicky Beeching comes out as a rock singer

In a very frank interview with the Independent newspaper, the Christian lesbian, Vicky Beeching, has finally admitted what people suspected all along - she is a rock singer.

Frankly, the guitar was a bit of a give-away.

Said one commentator, "It's true that her recent behaviour had been giving some concern, but we assumed that she was simply in pain, and that it was a cry for help. Now we discover that, in fact, she was singing."

There is still a fierce debate among Christians about whether rock singing is compatible with being a Christian - and traditionalists condemn it entirely. No explicit prohibition by Christ is recorded, but there are severe doubts over the claim by more liberal Christians, such as Giles Fraser, that when Christ called Peter "The Rock" he was inviting him to go out and sing to the world.

Peter receives the keys (C minor and A major).

Vicky Beeching is a high-profile Christian, and it is possible that her admission may make rock-singing more acceptable among religious people - although of course there have been earlier cases of Christians coming out as rock singers, ever since Graham Kendrick was outed in 1963.

An early advocate of Rock Lib.

Still, rock singer or not, it is clear that God will still love her. Remember, it's "hate the song and not the singer".

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In other news, today is the day that so many British teenagers get their A level results. As is traditional, we show some young sixth-formers jumping for joy after receiving their grades.

Good news, girls?

We are very glad that these charming young girls are so happy, but we should remind them that in former times the receipt of A level results was received in a much more dignified manner.

I'm off to study history at university!