What do you know about Christmas?

Our attention has been drawn by Archdruid Eileen to an article showing that 9 out of 10 Independent journalists know nothing about Christmas.

The problem, of course is that 99% of them haven't been in a church for more than 20 years ("Is it that big building with the minarets?") and 85% of them have never spoken to a Christian ("They're the ones in the turbans, aren't they?")

This is probably not a church.

Although we haven't even got to the 2nd Sunday in Advent, it was clear to the Independent editor that we must already be on about the 35th Day of Christmas, which traditionally starts when Bonfire Night is over, and it was time for a "What we don't know about Christmas" piece.

Shockingly, when asked to name the 12 Apostles - not that they have much to do with Christmas - the Independent "Staff and Agencies" (a term they use when they can't find anyone prepared to take responsibility for an article) came up with the following list:

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Adam, Eve, Esau, Jacob, David, Goliath, Pontius Pilate,

and as, mentioned on the Archdruid Eileen blog, they narrowly avoided naming Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen (or possibly Kasper and Cupich and Farrell and Tobin).

Christians - except for "Jihadi John" Arnold - do not celebrate Mohammed's birthday.

Clearly, it is difficult to find the traditional Christmas story - either you need to find a Bible, and then it's a long wade through from Genesis until you get to the bit about Bethlehem, or else you need to do "research" (probably Google), and that sounds too much like hard work. Indeed, if you use traditional Christmas keywords such as "snowman", "robin" and "mince pie", you may never stumble across the story at all.

The Easter story is equally hard to pin down, and even a Biblical concordance won't help you if you type in keywords such as "egg", "bunny" and "chocolate". We Christians know that these are key parts of the Easter narrative, but traditionally these bits aren't even read out in church.

I don't think we can blame Pope Francis, who, when he has finished rewriting the Lord's Prayer, is definitely expected to introduce that beautiful old Christmas hymn "We all like figgy pudding" into the liturgy for Christmas Day.

"And there came three snowmen unto Bethlehem..."

When asked what languages Jesus spoke, 80% of Independent staff said that, although of course He normally spoke in English (see the King James Bible for proof of this), he must also have understood Gaelic (the language of St Andrew), and probably also spoke whatever it is that Jews speak - probably Yiddish. Anyway, there's clearly no point praying to God (an obscure ritual that some traditional Catholics perform) in languages such as French and German, as HE WON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

The journalists had heard of the Turin shroud, but most associated it with Alan Turing, the computer chappie, rather than Jesus. "Anyway, wherever Jesus's body is buried, He's probably still wearing the shroud."

Well, with this level of ignorance - and the Guardian is worse - we have a long way to go before we see surveys asking people to explain the Hermeneutic of Continuity, the difference between Modern Reformed Baptists and Reformed Modern Baptists, or the meaning of Eschatology. Let's start with something simpler, such as explaining the Gospels to Fr James Martin SJ.

Harry Houdini - a master of eschatology.

Why we hate Mother Teresa

Exclusive to the Independent, the Guardian, the Carpet-chewers' Gazette and all other liberal papers.

So the Catholic Church has chosen to ignore the description given by the great Christopher Hitchens - "a lying, thieving Albanian dwarf" - and canonize one of the most evil women of the 20th Century. Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu was her real name, but she chose to hide under the alias of "Mother Teresa", even though she had no children and was not called Teresa at all.

How I hate that woman. She opposed a woman's right to choose to dismember her unborn child (when Hitchens asked her if she had any "baby parts" for sale, she looked at him in total disbelief). She never spoke up for same-sex marriage, incest, polygamy and orgies in tanks of olive oil, which are now accepted by all mainstream orthodox secularists. As for transgender awareness, she still lived in the dark ages when they had sexist labels such as "male" and "female" - and "Mother" of course! Teresa even attended Catholic Church services, as if she actually believed all that nonsense about God. Sheeesh!

Mother Teresa. What a horrible smug woman.

When the Catholic Church decides whom to canonize, it doesn't ask journalists like me to advise them. That's why you don't see such heroes as Marie Stopes, Che Guevara, Nelson Mandela and Hugo Chávez getting an expensive ceremony with lots of pilgrims singing their praises. No, they pick on some wretched nun who was not only undersized but also Albanian (well spotted, Christopher!) and give her the works! She was never invited to our Islington dinner parties, and serve her right!

Apparently, "Saint" Teresa ran some sort of hospital in Calcutta, but if you turned up asking for a sex-change, an abortion, or even "something for the weekend", she would ignore you in favour of some nasty smelly person with leprosy, tuberculosis or other socially unacceptable disease. No compassion for those of us who suffer modern illnesses such as acne, hair loss, or halitosis! Monster!

Mother Teresa and one of her smelly old lepers.

She was a self-publicist, nagging people for money to waste on a bunch of dying no-hopers. She'd fly across the world to see rich people, just to embarrass them into coughing up some cash. For crying out loud, she could have walked, couldn't she? Also, she was too proud to use the traditional "get rich" methods employed by the majority of our readers, such as embezzlement, insider trading, and mugging people late at night.

Well, what do you expect of the Catholic Church? Pope Francis has been a great disappointment to us: he may have correctly identified climate change as the biggest issue facing us in this era, or indeed any era, but he puts God and Jesus a close second, which is a real turn-off. Mother Teresa was the same, so HOW DARE the Catholic Church honour her in this way?

Er, will that do? All I needed to say was that she was a Catholic, and so should never have been canonized, but I needed to pad it out a little.

Pope says 2+2=4

The Catholic Church finally entered the modern world today, when Pope Francis upset two thousand years' Catholic teaching by admitting that two plus two equalled four.

Pope Francis used to give the traditional Catholic answer "5".

Said Nick Silly of the Telegraph: "For years the Catholic church has rejected science, and its believers have been told to take on trust the belief that 2+2=5. Remember Galileo, who had his arms and legs cut off by Pope Paul IV-or-V, for saying 'But it is 4'. After that, of course, he could never be sure what the answer was, as he no longer had any fingers or toes to count on."

Galileo: suffered for his scientific beliefs.

Adam Witless of the Independent concurs: "This is the biggest scoop we have had since we revealed that Pope Benedict XVI believed that genes 'probably do exist'." This certainly upsets traditional Catholic doctrine, all the more so because this topic was never discussed at the recent synod. Indeed, Pope Francis's ex cathedra statement on the big question of 2+2 seems to have been made without even a 2/3 majority vote to support it."

Finally, Hannah Rubbish of the Daily Mail also carries the story of the Catholic Church's capitulation to scientific progress, together with in-depth interviews with Kim Kardashian, Lauren Pope, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and other women for whom counting up to four is an intellectual feat beyond their imagination.

One of those scientific women in the Daily Mail.

But what of the scientific elite? How will Richard Dawkins, Brian Cox, and Stephen Hawking react to Pope Francis's attempts to claim such major scientific discoveries for the Catholic Church? And why are Stephen Fry and Russell Brand choosing to remain silent? Are they ill? I think we should be told.

Four or five? At this stage of the evening I've lost count!

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church's 2015 Synod is expected to consider other deep scientific issues, such as "How many beans make five?" "Why does a red cow give white milk when it always eats green grass?" and "Is the Moon made of green cheese?" Cardinal Kasper is said to be already working on a set of controversial responses to these questions.

The basis of a new Catholic theory of beans.

Vicky Beeching comes out as a rock singer

In a very frank interview with the Independent newspaper, the Christian lesbian, Vicky Beeching, has finally admitted what people suspected all along - she is a rock singer.

Frankly, the guitar was a bit of a give-away.

Said one commentator, "It's true that her recent behaviour had been giving some concern, but we assumed that she was simply in pain, and that it was a cry for help. Now we discover that, in fact, she was singing."

There is still a fierce debate among Christians about whether rock singing is compatible with being a Christian - and traditionalists condemn it entirely. No explicit prohibition by Christ is recorded, but there are severe doubts over the claim by more liberal Christians, such as Giles Fraser, that when Christ called Peter "The Rock" he was inviting him to go out and sing to the world.

Peter receives the keys (C minor and A major).

Vicky Beeching is a high-profile Christian, and it is possible that her admission may make rock-singing more acceptable among religious people - although of course there have been earlier cases of Christians coming out as rock singers, ever since Graham Kendrick was outed in 1963.

An early advocate of Rock Lib.

Still, rock singer or not, it is clear that God will still love her. Remember, it's "hate the song and not the singer".

---

In other news, today is the day that so many British teenagers get their A level results. As is traditional, we show some young sixth-formers jumping for joy after receiving their grades.

Good news, girls?

We are very glad that these charming young girls are so happy, but we should remind them that in former times the receipt of A level results was received in a much more dignified manner.

I'm off to study history at university!

St Ubbs, an Anglican saint

Reprinted from the Indecent newspaper.

Ian Ubbs, vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop

Father Ian Ubbs, the vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop, is one of the most original minds in the Anglican church. His basic philosophy on all matters religious is Christ was wrong.

"For too long the church of England has been treating Christ as if He were some sort of God," explains Father Ian. "In fact, he was a racist homophobic bigot who believed in outmoded ideas such as Good and Evil. Almost every time He opened His mouth he said something stupid."

Jesus heals a blind man. But what was His true agenda?

Our Indecent reporter was naturally delighted to find a priest prepared to deny almost the entirety of Christian teaching - after all, we wouldn't have interviewed him if he'd been willing to put forward a more traditionally orthodox line - and so we asked Father Ian to explain.

"Look at all this nonsense about forgiving sins," scoffs Father Ian. "Over the centuries the Anglican church has evolved into a position where we don't accept the idea of sin. Thus there are only two possibilities here: either Jesus was a complete idiot who was out of touch with reality - or He was pretending that sin exists, in order to deceive people."

"Take up thy bed and walk." Jesus shows His prejudices against disabled people.

"Remember the racist story of the Good Samaritan? Obviously it was designed to insult the Samaritans, by implying that there was only one good one. And the story is also homophobic - all this stuff about pouring oil and wine on the traveller's wounds is obviously a sneering reference to gay massage parlours."

The Wedding at Cana. More homophobic bigotry.

"How about equality and diversity, Father Ian?"

"Well, as a committed Indecent reader, I see equality and diversity as the fundamental concepts in my faith; but Jesus never uses either word. That strongly suggests that we Anglicans have been encouraged to worship the wrong man."

Don't let Jesus see these girls - He was a known misogynist.

Our reporter then raised the issue of women priests, and gay weddings. Father Ian said "I rolled on the floor laughing hysterically when I first received communion from a woman. I shall similarly roll on the floor laughing the first time I officiate at the wedding of a gay couple, whether the Church sanctions it or not."

Although regarded as a conservative in the modern Anglican church, Father Ian is widely expected to be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Casting out demons. Nowadays you would get an ASBO for that.

Bosco is interveiwed

My dere bruvver Bosco is too modest to say dis, but he hav become a celebritty on account of his evangellical activities, viz goin up to old ladies in de street and sayin "You aint saved buster. Gimme some cash." So we was not suprised when de Lake Hellsinere Papper sent round its star jounalist, John Hairy, to interveiw Bosco. Dis Hairy he said "Well I aint much good at talkin to people, has you got any writtings dat I can copy out, Mr Bosco?"

We showed him Bosco's luvvly blogg, and Mr Hairy he said "Er, yes, I gotta go to de men's room quick," and den he ruhsed off to vomitt.
"Was it de pitchers?" asked Bosco. "De one of my girlfiend is a little scary if you hasnt seen mummyfied copses before."
"Nope," said Mr Hairy, "It was de grahpic descriptoin of boddily functions. Even in de days befor dey sakced me from de Indepandant we wasnt allowed to menshun dat sort of stuff ecxept when writin about Ryan Gigs."
I dont fink dis interveiw wiv Bosco will ever get printted.

Meanwhile de Calumny Chappel is suing de Battman people for pinchin our saccred loggo wot we bows down to, cos dey has got one simillar:

Woss more de Battman flims has got a charracter called de Jokker wot is evidenttly based on Pastor Parsell of de Calumny Chappel.

We is gettin a leedin firm of lawyers, viz Cutley, Dastardly and Mutley, to look into dis. It aint rihgt dat de sincere beleifs of people should be mokced (unless dey is Cathlics).