The mystery of the shepherds

Many writers have speculated about the identities of the Magi, most recently Fr Dwight Longenecker. Clearly, many questions are still to be answered, of which the key ones are:

• were there three of them?
• were they wise?
• were they men?

Indeed, next Christmas's blockbuster by Fr James Martin SJ is expected to reveal that they were five women deacons wearing dalmatics.

A traddy nativity scene, unsuitable for modern use.

Traditionally, at least, there were three wise men, called Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, but nobody knows how many shepherds there were, nor any of their names.

My own detailed research suggests that there were three shepherds (because Biblical stuff comes in threes, sevens, twelves and forties). I thought at first that Baa-lamb was a shepherd, but many scholars now say that he kept a donkey, and was nothing at all to do with the first Christmas.

Shepherds only! Clear off!

A study of the Archers, a long-running religious radio programme broadcast by the BBC, suggests that one of the shepherds might be called Walter Gabriel, originator of the phrase, "Me old pal, me old beauty", although Gabriel is also the name of an angel, so one cannot be sure.

The Tony Hancock character Joshua Merryweather (another Biblical name!) is also a possibility, with his classic hymn of praise (now available in The Graham Kendrick Book of Hymns for Today):

I've got mangel wurzels in my garden, 
I've got mangel wurzels in my shed,
I've got mangel wurzels in my bathroom,
And a mangel wurzel for a head.

Were these the three shepherds?

Well, it's all very mystifying. Also, why did the angels summon shepherds to the manger? Why not celebrities - by which we mean actors, footballers, comedians, politicians, professors of zoology, professors of human flourishing, etc.? Or even celebrity clerics, bloggers, and professors of theology, who could have explained what was going on? It all sounds like an almighty mix-up.

"There will be a time for the canonization of King Herod," explains a distinguished professor.

Note: "While shepherds washed their socks by night / All seated round the tub" is © The Graham Kendrick Book of Hymns for Today.

New hymns 6 - While Shepherds Watched

In this slot we have previously invited along John Henry Newman, King David, Charles Wesley, Christina Rossetti, and William Williams to attend master-classes on how to write a good "modern" hymn. Today, we are pleased to welcome Nahum Tate, Poet Laureate (from 1692 to 1715), and author of "While shepherd watched their flocks by night".

At least one of these is Nahum Tate.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.

Other versions are available.

Eccles: Whoah! Stop! You've got something there that looks like poetry. What's more it makes sense, and tells a story. In fact the whole hymn is recognisable as a faithful rendering of Luke 2, verses 8 to 14.

Nahum: Sorry, Eccles, I produced this carol before your previous master-classes on hymn-writing. Can you suggest some improvements?

Eccles: We could go for the Bernadette Farrell treatment, maybe, as seen in "Christ be our Light". You make things sound gloomy and depressing, but we know that, since we are socially-aware Tablet readers, it must be someone else's fault.

Out in the fields, shepherds are freezing,
Out in the cold, shepherds have woes,
Some of them coughing, some of them sneezing,
And one with a runny nose.
CHORUS: Christ be our light, etc.

Nahum: When do we get to the angel of the Lord and his message of Good News?

Eccles: Probably, never. We have another three verses about how there was a leak in the roof of the shepherds' hovel, one of them had a blister on his toe, and...

I'm allergic to wool, but does anyone care?

Nahum: Well, I really wanted to mention the shepherds, sheep, angel and Baby. Could we do it more punchily?

Watch, Shepherds, Watch, Keep an eye on your cuddly lambkins;
Baa, Muttons, Baa, Do whatever sheep do;
Shine, Angel, Shine, Tell the Good News to all the shepherds;
Cry, Baby, Cry, They are off to see you...

Eccles: I like it, but it does sound vaguely familiar. Can't think why...