The Catholic case for Nero

From America Magazine, edited by James Martin LGBTSJ.

Following our very popular article The Catholic Case for Communism, we have commissioned Dean Dettloff to write The Catholic Case for Nazism and The Catholic Case for the Rwandan Genocide, which are also bound to go down well with our readers. Today's piece explains why the Emperor Nero was not the villain that is usually claimed, and should certainly be canonized.

Nero: statesman, violinist, and LGBT icon.

Nero has had a bad press for his lack of ecumenicalism towards Christians, but we should not hold that against him. His execution of St Peter and St Paul might be interpreted as showing a certain hostility to Catholicism, but modern studies have shown that these Church fathers were greatly over-rated compared with more distinguished theologians such as Hans Küng, Massimo Faggioli, Cardinal Marx, and of course the Holy Father himself. We can be sure that when Nero went to the Pearly Gates, and found St Peter there waiting for him, the two greeted each other as old friends!

"Hey, our old mate Nero will be along soon!"

Apart from his controversial habit of putting people to death, Nero was known as a prominent member of the LGBT community, and one would have to be truly homophobic to criticise his incest and his relationship with a trans woman called Sporus. Moreover, his violin-playing was legendary. As Rome burned, he entertained the crowd with a performance of "Shine Jesus, Shine" in which they all joined in with the words "Blaze, Spirit, blaze, Set our hearts on fire!"

No, Nero was a warm-hearted Catholic, of the sort to whom we must build bridges. It is a scandal that people such as he could not preach at Mass.

© America Magazine.

New hymns 6 - While Shepherds Watched

In this slot we have previously invited along John Henry Newman, King David, Charles Wesley, Christina Rossetti, and William Williams to attend master-classes on how to write a good "modern" hymn. Today, we are pleased to welcome Nahum Tate, Poet Laureate (from 1692 to 1715), and author of "While shepherd watched their flocks by night".

At least one of these is Nahum Tate.

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.

Other versions are available.

Eccles: Whoah! Stop! You've got something there that looks like poetry. What's more it makes sense, and tells a story. In fact the whole hymn is recognisable as a faithful rendering of Luke 2, verses 8 to 14.

Nahum: Sorry, Eccles, I produced this carol before your previous master-classes on hymn-writing. Can you suggest some improvements?

Eccles: We could go for the Bernadette Farrell treatment, maybe, as seen in "Christ be our Light". You make things sound gloomy and depressing, but we know that, since we are socially-aware Tablet readers, it must be someone else's fault.

Out in the fields, shepherds are freezing,
Out in the cold, shepherds have woes,
Some of them coughing, some of them sneezing,
And one with a runny nose.
CHORUS: Christ be our light, etc.

Nahum: When do we get to the angel of the Lord and his message of Good News?

Eccles: Probably, never. We have another three verses about how there was a leak in the roof of the shepherds' hovel, one of them had a blister on his toe, and...

I'm allergic to wool, but does anyone care?

Nahum: Well, I really wanted to mention the shepherds, sheep, angel and Baby. Could we do it more punchily?

Watch, Shepherds, Watch, Keep an eye on your cuddly lambkins;
Baa, Muttons, Baa, Do whatever sheep do;
Shine, Angel, Shine, Tell the Good News to all the shepherds;
Cry, Baby, Cry, They are off to see you...

Eccles: I like it, but it does sound vaguely familiar. Can't think why...

Family-friendly churches

It has been reported in the Tablet that parents are put off attending church by the inconvenient timing of services, which are not family friendly, and which clash with their busy lives.

Come to church, and let the priest and people bounce!

The picture above shows one possible solution: mobile, bouncy churches, which can be parked in the street and, like ice-cream vans, play music to attract families with young children. We suggest the tune of Wesley's Shine, Jesus, Shine or else Newman's If I were a butterfly to get the kids running to church, especially if there is free ice-cream on offer.

For people who prefer static churches, it is important to adjust mass times to the convenience of those attending: since the priest only works on Sunday, he can easily fit in with the wishes of the customers. It seems that a popular time is early afternoon: fathers and mothers can come along and doze in luxuriously-upholstered pews, while the kids play with lego. In the background the priest can do whatever he chooses (mumble a few prayers perhaps) as nobody will be paying attention. So no change there.

"Let's play priests and deacons!"

As the picture above shows, it is sometimes possible to get children involved in the service. After all, when it comes down to it, the job of a priest doesn't require much training: you say the red and do the black, or possibly vice versa, and - to get through the only bit of the service that isn't written down in detail - you can buy books of ready-made sermons.

An essential book for the priest who's run out of ideas.

In general we can base our actions on the maxim "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath." Here, Jesus was clearly saying that Sundays are a day for rest and relaxation. If you happen to feel like dropping into church, that's a bonus, but God really doesn't care. Going shopping at IKEA, or to a football match, is just as good. Keep the day holy of course - but only by doing what YOU want.

Still, churches should be thought of as cool places to hang out. Although they often offer nothing more spiritual than what you can find in shops or sports grounds, the main reason for the service should be to have fun.

Getting the kids involved!

Lastly, churches are not just for conventional services, of course. They have the added advantage that they often host "fun" events, such as baptisms, weddings and funerals, where all the family can come along and party. Our final picture reminds us that the revels should start in the church, and not be kept until afterwards.

It's flamenco time!

If that doesn't bring in the punters, then I'm afraid we're doomed.

Protect the Bishop!

Following the closure of the Protect the Pope blog on the orders of Bishop Michael Campbell, many orthodox Catholics are extremely angry, using phrases such as "dimwitted bully", "what's he got to hide?", "puppet of the Magic Circle" and "who made this clueless old goat a bishop?"

Note that Deacon Donnelly maintains a dignified silence.

This blog refuses to go along with such criticism, arguing that bishops are always right, even when they're wrong. So we are launching Protect the Bishop, a website which aims to support our bishops in those difficult decisions such as: should I be a wise shepherd of my flock, supporting my priests and deacons when they are faithful Catholics loyal to the Magisterium of the Church, or should I act like a power-crazed loony knowing that Rome is a long way away and nobody will do anything about it?

Did you want the sheep on the right and the goats on the left, or vice-versa?

We can see where Deacon Donnelly went wrong. Why couldn't he have simply written a nice, boring, everything-in-the-garden-is-wonderful blog, similar to Bishop Campbell's, which is not expected to be shut down? It could have had lots of pictures of Bishop Campbell in it, doing all the wonderful things bishops do when there's a photographer handy. Take a few tips from the brilliant prose of your bishop!

The Reading is taken from Protect the Pope. Hang on a minute...

Dear Diary. On Holy Thursday we had the Chrism Mass, attended by all the devoted priests of the diocese. When I came outside I found that one of my clergy had kindly left a leaflet about retirement homes for bishops at my house - well, in fact it was thrown through the window attached to a brick, but it's the thought that counts! But I'm only 72, and I intend to carry on until people say I'm no longer able to do the job properly.

Later, I washed my feet, because that's what bishops do on Holy Thursday. I also heard some Confessions: one of the most shocking was someone who admitted to owning a computer! For those who don't know what these are, they are engines possessed by demons, and only to be used by people of the rank of Bishop or higher.

The Magic Circle: an ACTA representative prepares for a non-liturgical service.

On Easter Day - now this'll surprise you - we celebrated the Resurrection. As a bishop I explained in my homily whose Resurrection it was: it's one of those obscure facts that I learnt for my become-a-bishop exam. When they woke up at the end the congregation were all impressed by my episcopal erudition.

Yes, that's the sort of hard-hitting blog we expect to see in the Lancaster diocese.

A turbulent priest is punished for blogging too frankly.

So, building on an idea of Richard Waghorne, we feel that we should mark the bishop's courageous gagging of a turbulent deacon by loudly singing Shine, Jesus, Shine in celebration. But please, not outside Campbell Towers at 4 a.m.

Protect the Bishop tee-shirts are now available in a full range of liturgically-appropriate colours, suitable to be worn by altar-servers.

Scribbler Cards accused of corrupting children

As related elsewhere, a company called Scribbler Cards has been criticised for displaying disgusting Valentine cards in their shop window, where children could be expected to see them.

One of the cards, making a particularly indecent suggestion.

A spokesman for the organization Child Eyes commented: "It is shocking that young children should see such revolting cards; who knows what sort of emotional scarring could be caused to tender minds?"

More lewd practices that could damage children.

Sensitive to this hostile criticism, Scribbler cards have now agreed not to display the offensive cards where young people might see them, and have produced a new design, which could not possibly offend anyone.

What the true romantic will send.

A medieval French song

The manuscript of a previously-unknown French carol has come to light. It is attributed to the medieval monk Frère Graham Quendrique.

The underdog

Chien j'y sous-chien!
[The singer complains that he is always the underdog.]
Fille d'Islande vif dit farceuse clairet.
[A girl from Iceland says he is lively, but she is a jester who drinks claret.]

The girl from Iceland.

Blé ce spire rite Blaise!
[He invokes St Blaise to condemn a ritual involving binding wheat into coils.]
Ce tour hâtes Enfer!
[This prank hurries one to Hell!]

Beware pagan rituals!

Flou rit va flou!
[Confused, he laughs and goes.]
Fleur de naissance suive graissant merci!
[The flower denotes birth, but afterwards greasing (unction) may follow, thank God!]

Frère Graham looks forward to his deathbed.

Scène de four dur verte,
[The scenery is green, even if toiling at the oven is hard.]
Lourdes en laideur Pilate!
[He goes to Lourdes to atone for the ugliness of Pontius Pilate.]

The ugliness of Pilate.

---

H/T brother Ben Trovato for reminding me of Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames. An alternative translation of the song may be found here.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Magic Circle guilty of "inappropriate acts"

The Catholic church in England and Wales was reeling tonight after claims that a group of "Magic Circle" bishops had been engaged in "inappropriate acts."

Of course, the Scots have been reeling for some time.

An eye-witness, who has chosen to remain anonymous, told us what happened.

Witness: It was late at night, and the organic fairtrade herbal tea had been flowing quite freely, when some of the less restrained bishops started singing inappropriate songs.

Eccles: I see, and what sort of songs were these?

Witness: Well, it started with simple vulgarity like "Shine, Jesus, Shine," but then it became really offensive, and they began to sing Paul Inwood stuff: "Alleluia, Ch-Ch" and similar disgusting things. I didn't know where to turn.

A young Paul Inwood entertains a congregation in Portsmouth.

Eccles: I can see that you must have been really horrified. What happened next?

Witness: Well, I don't like to mention it in polite circles, but some of the bishops then produced magazines, and began reading out disgusting passages from them.

Eccles: Can you name one of these magazines for us? Take your time, if you are upset.

Witness: Well, the main one was the Tablet. There was some horrid woman called Pepinster writing in it: vile, shameful stuff that I didn't think any decent person would dare to put down on paper.

Top shelf only!

Eccles: And what did the bishops think of this?

Witness: Well, some of the bishops left hastily, as I did, but other were rubbing their hands and crying "There's one in the eye for the Pope!" Ugh, it makes me cringe just to think of that evening.

Eccles: Thank you very much, Mr Witness.

Genome Style Rap

For those who aren't familiar with rapping, the idea is to take a repetitive and rather trivial lyric and recite it to an even more repetitive and dull beat. An example which springs to mind is:

Lord, the light of your love is shining,
In the midst of the darkness, shining.
Jesus, light of the world, shine upon us,
Set us free by the truth you now bring us.

Got that? Then let's start, kiddos!

We're doing a rap in da Genome Style,
We're saying all Catholics are vile!

I left New College, and I went back home,
I wrote a book attacking Rome -
Now I'm dashing off another tome - 
Yo! Dudes, I'm called da Selfish Gene-Gnome!

Selfish gene! My pen is scribbling!
Selfish gene! My mouth is dribbling!

Now stretch those arms to left and right,
We're gonna be rappin all da night!

I was getting tired of biology,
So I thought I'd switch to theology -
I confused it with mythology -
But you aint gettin no apology.

We got Genome Style! I keep on screaming!
We got Genome Style! My head is steaming!

When you're getting old, just a little se-nile,
You gotta sit down to do da Genome Style!

As I was rapping round da Quad,
I thought of something rather odd -
I said "There prob'ly aint no God."
They told me: "You're a silly sod!"

Selfish gene! God's a delusion!
Selfish gene! That's my conclusion!

Tell your kids of Christ, that's child abuse.
Teach them Genome Style, that's much more use!

Then for many years I lived in hope,
Dat I was gonna arrest da Pope
And tie him up with a big big rope,
But dey all said "Dawkins is such a dope!"

Genome Style! Oh I'm misbehaving!
Genome Style! Don't tell me I'm raving!

Genome Style!

The worst Church buzzwords

In response to Fr Lucie-Smith's Catholic Herald article listing ten words and phrases that should be banned from religious life (e.g. "elephant in the room," "outreach" and "guideline"), we have asked a more liberal "Doctor of Immoral Theology" to provide a list of buzzwords that annoy him.

---

A traddy priest aggressively wearing a biretta

biretta: in the modern church there is no place for old-fashioned vestments (terms like "chasuble" and "maniple" are equally verboten). It is best if a priest shows that he is no different from other people, so saying Mass in jeans and tee-shirt is recommended. Perhaps a discreet clip-on dog-collar if you want to show you're "staff."

hermeneutic: anyone using this obscure piece of jargon (and that includes Popes who should know better!) marks himself out as someone who is not fully committed to the ideals of Vatican II. If the church is to proceed to ordain women as priests, to endorse abortion and euthanasia, and to allow gays to marry in church - all explicitly recommended by Vatican II - then we need to crush rebels who stand in our way.

kneeling: a most unhealthy custom, leading to arthritis and lumbago. Churches should withdraw all kneeling facilities, and allow the customers to sit down throughout the Mass (perhaps standing for hymns, to allow self-expression by waving arms and doing the occasional jig).

The Last Supper. Only one traddy apostle is kneeling!

Latin: Do we need to say more? The language of Satan. Banned by Vatican II. Who wants to hear a Mass in which abominations such as de gustibus non est disputandum or caveat emptor can be found? Or even veni, vidi, vici?

novena: not a decent English word, is it? All to do with praying on nine consecutive days - if that's not a sign of obsessiveness, we don't know what is!

Gregorian chant: Largely done away with, and replaced by the pioneering work of the blessed Paul Inwood, but it still survives in some pockets of resistance. Ugh. Moreover, Graham Kendrick tells us that he feels insulted that people are attempting to introduce Fulge, Jesu, Fulge as a Gregorian chant.

Pope Gregory I - you can see that he's up to no good

consubstantial: A word re-introduced into the new English translation of the liturgy. Not a word you'll hear in the street! "I hear you're feeling a little consubstantial, Mrs Peppermint! Aren't the tablets working?" What nonsense!

fasting: These days we don't fast, or eat fish on Fridays, or regard Lent as a special period of abstinence. It smacks of an eating disorder if you don't tuck into a healthy Jumbo Offalburger on Fridays (unless, of course, you are a vegetarian, in which case we truly respect your sincere beliefs, but do make sure you get enough calories). Lent's a period for stuffing ourselves with Easter eggs - why do you suppose they are in the shops at that time?

Pope: A chauvinist old fogey in Rome too full of his own distasteful ideas. Don't mention him in polite circles! The word "Vatican" is equally taboo, unless followed by "II."

God: Too controversial a figure in the modern Catholic church. If we are to be able to dialogue with atheists and Anglicans, we must not insist on this. If we must refer to a possibly nonexistent supernatural creator, then the term "sky-fairy" is recommended. We don't want Diarmaid McCulloch or Stephen Fry to laugh at us!

Not a necessary part of modern Catholic theology

Vatican II - 50 years on

Monsignor Basil Foltus, who in 1962 was a high-flying priest in his late forties, played an important role in persuading the Second Vatican Council to throw away the Church's ancient traditions. He reflects modestly on some of the reforms he instigated.

Basil Foltus as a young priest

Which way should the priest face at Mass?

The answer to this question was obvious to me. When I ride on an omnibus, I don't want the driver to turn his back on me, in order to see where he's going, I want him to turn round and talk to me. "Monsignor Foltus, how kind of you to grace our humble omnibus with your presence! Where do you want me to take you?" he should say. In the same way, the priest should turn round, face the congregation, and ask them, "Where do you want me to take you?"

Pre-Vatican II omnibus crash on Loftus Bank, Yorkshire

Or to put it another way, should a church be more like an omnibus, or a theatre? Do we go to church because we want to follow the priest towards God, or because we want him to entertain us?

Latin - Requiescat In Pace

One casus belli at the 2nd Vatican Council was which lingua franca we should adopt for masses de futuro. We had an in camera debate on this, and I saw that it was ipso facto necessary to lead the Catholic faithful into terra incognita. You may well say "De minimis non curat lex," but whoever heard of the plebs speaking Latin? After all, cui bono?, as I pointed out. This made me a persona non grata in some circles - I remember saying "Et, tu, Brute?" to the Pope himself - but "Carpe diem" is my motto, and muttering "Excelsior!" to myself, I went on to make a prima facie case for abolishing Latin, using a powerful reductio ad absurdum argument ad nauseam, namely, "Vox Populi, Vox Dei." Having won the debate, my only thoughts were "Labor omnia vincit." Well, "Veni, vidi, vici," and we may finally say, "Quod erat demonstrandum!"

We never sing "Cave canem" at Masses in my church

Significantly, Vatican II was an opportunity to give the liturgy a good shake-up. When people come to Confession with me, I no longer ask them to say five Hail Marys as a penance - no, they are told to sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" five times. They don't come back, I can tell you!

Giving a lead to the church

Although, nominally, the leader of the Catholic Church is now a young chap operating under the alias of Benedict XVI, I still see it as my role to direct the faithful away from the sort of fuddy-duddy traditionalism that might have appealed to my father's generation - people such as Augustine and Aquinas, that is. Vatican II was the New Pentecost - the time that the Holy Spirit settled on Basil Foltus and inspired him to lead the Church into pastures new.

The author (in striped dressing-gown) witnesses the New Pentecost

I am a strong believer in free speech, and you may have heard of my threats of legal action against Fr Michael Clifton and Fr Ray Blake - dreadful traditionalists clinging to outmoded beliefs. I simply wanted them to have their say, of course, and I thought that a court of law might be the best place for it. But, in general, the Catholic Church appreciates all that I have done for it, and I still receive tokens of esteem from grateful worshippers.

A gift from an anonymous admirer

Bad hymns 2

Today we have an interview with the great Graham Kendrick, writer of a popular "Christian song."

E: Well, Mr Kendrick, your hymn, "Shine, Jesus, Shine," which is extremely popular with the under-9 age group, but which drives all adults crazy, has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award. We recently interviewed one of your rivals, Sydney Carter, and now we come to you.

GK: It's great to be here, Eccles.

E: First the meaning of the song, then. Does the photograph below give some idea of your intentions when you refer to "Shine"? Romans 10:15? How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace?

Shine...

GK: No, I don't think you have fully grasped the meaning of my song, Eccles. It is more to do with the idea of Jesus, the Light of the World, shining in the darkness.

E: I see. Well, of course that is stressed very well in the first verse, where you use the word "Shine" or "Shining" no less than five times (out of a total of 15 in the entire song, I think). Let's move on a bit, skipping over the embarrassing bit where you try to rhyme "presence" and "radiance," making the latter just two syllables, "Ray-jence."

GK:  Yes, many people have told me that the song doesn't really scan. If you clap your hands or bang your head against the wall at various points, it makes it go past a bit more smoothly.

E: Now, what's all this "Flow, river flow, Flood the nations with grace and mercy" stuff? Is that not a little insensitive these days, when we see many people threatened with flood water? Which river would that be, anyway?

Flood the nations.

GK: I'm afraid I didn't have any particular river in mind. The verse refers to "Jesus," then "Spirit," so I thought I'd add a cunning twist by not mentioning the "Father" but using "River" instead. If it makes people think of  the Big Guy in the Sky as "Old Man River," then that's all to the good, surely?

E: Is it? Oh, right. Could you settle one other point that I find difficult? "Blaze, Spirit blaze, Set our hearts on fire?" Why is it a good thing to have one's heart on fire? A quick check of the Bible suggests that it is quite a painful and distressing thing to endure. See Jeremiah 20:9:  There came in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was wearied, not being able to bear it.

There came in my heart as a burning fire.

GK: Think of it as poetry, Eccles. It doesn't mean anything, but it sounds good. So good that you have to sing the chorus three times before you are allowed to leave the church.

E: Mr Kendrick, thank you very much. Can I go now?