As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the
most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time
ago, he once said to a crowd:
"The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious,
I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat."
We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.
Open your mouth, Donald!
Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head.
Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds.
Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do
with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!
Armed and ready for action.
Incense is another good weapon. If your neighbour has already swallowed your rosary beads without collapsing, then a good
handful of the dry powder should help to choke him.
If that doesn't work, then there may be a baptismal font handy, and devout Catholics should be
able to show their devoutness by drowning other less devout Catholics.
Your church may also be blessed with useful relics. Skulls, for example, make excellent missiles,
and arm and leg bones can be used to deal a nasty injury to anyone who still says that you
are not religious.
Ready for throwing at your political enemies.
When you have finished assaulting your neighbour ("the sign of peace"), don't forget to received Communion! Joe says it's OK, and Joe is a devout man.
Other suggestions may be left here, and will be passed on to President Biden the next time I see him at Mass.
