This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 9 September 2021

Joe Biden explains the use of Catholic artefacts

As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time ago, he once said to a crowd:

"The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat."

We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.

Biden with rosary

Open your mouth, Donald!

Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head. Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds.

Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!


Armed and ready for action.

Incense is another good weapon. If your neighbour has already swallowed your rosary beads without collapsing, then a good handful of the dry powder should help to choke him.

If that doesn't work, then there may be a baptismal font handy, and devout Catholics should be able to show their devoutness by drowning other less devout Catholics.

Your church may also be blessed with useful relics. Skulls, for example, make excellent missiles, and arm and leg bones can be used to deal a nasty injury to anyone who still says that you are not religious.


Ready for throwing at your political enemies.

When you have finished assaulting your neighbour ("the sign of peace"), don't forget to received Communion! Joe says it's OK, and Joe is a devout man.

Other suggestions may be left here, and will be passed on to President Biden the next time I see him at Mass.


  1. The crosier is the newest addition as a martial arts weapon.

  2. A biretta can easily be used to suffocate a loud-mouthed neighbor, and a maniple makes strangulation an easy option. I don't think they are in use at Mr Biden's Jesuit parish in Georgetown, though.

  3. As it has been related to me, there are several "ruggedized" scapulars that may be used as a garote. See the "Blessed Order of Rosa Kleb"

  4. Don't forget the 'unbreakable' cord rosaries. These can come in quite handy for your average pious person.


  6. I'm sorry Eccles. I don't find it funny. I think its disrespectful.

    1. C'mon man, who are you to judge ?

      Major !! Attack !!

  7. The Cincture can be used to throttle traddys and be used extensively in bishop's bondage games.

  8. The Stole: specifically meant to be worn when certifying elections.

  9. Mr President: that's not what Padre Pio had in mind when he said the rosary was the weapon.