1. What was the first thing you noticed on arriving at your place of worship?
a) A man high up in the tower shouting "Allahu Akbar!" b) The jolly ringing of church bells, intermingled with the screams of someone who had caught his foot in the bellrope. c) Hooting and swearing from drivers trying to park their cars. d) A solemn silence. e) An axe flying past your head and a cry of "Odin is great!"
"Welcome to our humble service of worship. I'm the vicar."
2. Did you have difficult finding a seat?
a) No, as there were only three people present. b) Yes, but I kicked out old Granny Bannister, and took her place. c) We do not sit in our church, but meditate while standing on our heads. d) No, but a bouncer removed me, hissing "Get out of the bishop's cathedra!" e) No, because I was part of the clown procession, and had a reserved bath of custard to lie in.
The liturgical significance of custard has been under-estimated.
3. Which (if any) of the following sacred beings were mentioned during the sermon?
a) Pope Francis. b) Fr James Martin SJ. c) Lord Oates, the Quaker Maximus. d) The crocodile god. e) Rowan Williams. f) Donald Trump. g) The Duchess of Cambridge.
"I take as my text the 2000th tweet of St James to the Twitteratians"
4. The sign of peace. What do you do?
a) We don't have it, although we are allowed to smile at our neighbours if we don't get too excited. b) As little as possible, but usually one or two people catch me. c) I embrace as many as I can, and later go round to the houses of all the people I missed. d) I grab my neighbour's hand firmly, and squeeze until he cries for mercy. e) In our church we smoke a pipe of peace.
No, I don't know, either.
5. What music was there?
a) Gregorian chant. b) Sankey's Sacred Songs and Solos ("Throw out the lifeline across the dark wave; There is a brother whom someone should save"). c) 100 Hymns for Hippies. d) Something old, tuneful, and spiritually nourishing. e) The Kevin Mayhew book of Bad Hymns.
"The organist is sick, but Mr Banerjee has agreed to play 'Shine, Jesus, Shine' on the nose-flute instead."
6. What was on offer after the service?
(a) Coffee and Eccles cakes in the church hall. (b) Gin, toiler cleaner and hair-restorer, chez Anti Moly. (c) Cold tap water (we are tops for asceticism). (d) The priest's own-brand spinach wine. (e) As much liturgical custard as we could drink.
"More gin, vicar?"
Thank you for completing our questionnaire, and if you have any further comments please keep them to yourself.