This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 28 September 2019

How to deal with a schism

This is the latest in our series of self-help guides on "How to be a good Pope", designed for any of our readers who are one day thrust into a white robe, shoved onto the balcony in Rome, and told to SMILE.

Randall and Hopkirk (deceased)

A man in white discovers that he is the new Pope.

After a few years of poping, making up new doctrine in aeroplanes, thinking of insults for the faithful, appointing random dropouts as cardinals, and teasing everyone with new improbable synods, the thought may occur to you: IS THERE A SCHISM IN THE CHURCH?

Schisms can be identified by a variety of signs. It could be clericalism, moral problems, black cassocks and Saturno hats, for example. It can be no coincidence that the arch-baddie in the Bible is called Saturn (memo: check spelling). But mostly it's AMERICANS.

Of course, there are good non-schismatic Americans. Think of Cardinal Tobin, who tweets "Nighty-night baby" to each of his seventeen sisters, as well as any unemployed actors in the neighbourhood. Or Cupich. Or celebrity campaigner Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

But there are others, far more sinister. Michael Voris, who used to be a friend of yours, until he discovered Catholicism and turned against you. EWTN, which, according to your great pal Dawn the Merciless, is run by Nazis. Worst of all is Cardinal Burke, who constantly does provocative things such as saying nothing to criticise you, preaching boring old Catholic doctrine, and meekly accepting all the insults that come his way. No wonder Austen Ivereigh can't stand him.

Damian Thompson Nazi

You haven't lived until Dawn has called you a Nazi.

Luckily you will be able to reunite the church with yet another synod, this one based on the wisdom of the tree-spirits of the Amazon (Hum-Mes, Czer-Ny, Mara-Di-Aga, and Spa-Da-Ro), as interpreted by your friend Rhino Marx. You will see semi-naked tribesmen, painted in gay colours, dancing before you - and those are just Fr Martin's friends from New York. Poisonous darts will fly in all directions - but that's just Ivereigh exerting his charm.

Yes, finally the Catholic Church will be united (with very few exceptions) in saying "THIS SYNOD IS A LOAD OF RUBBISH!"

Rhino Marx

Rhino Marx in his film role as Captain Wolf J. Piranha, the Amazonian Explorer.


  1. Too bad this whole piece can't be posted on twitter in total. I'm laughing so hard my eyes are wet and I need my nitro pills.

  2. Jorge B himself has told us that schismatics will not go to hell; "No one is condemned forever." [Amoris Laetitia]. Even better: he has ordered that the church welcome public adulterers, those publicizing their sins of voluntary homosexual activity, and yes, even schismatics, All MUST be joyfully integrated into the life of the Jorge B church. See, eg, Guy, Texas

    Ps-Alinsky's Rules for Radicals, No 4: Make them live up to their own rules

  3. Read Malachi Martin's The Jesuits: The Society of Jesus and the Betrayal of the Roman Catholic Church and you'll know that Francis is doing to the Church what Pedro Arrupe did to the Jesuits.

    Arrupe HAS to be made a saint (he's now Servant of God) because if Arrupe is a saint, it will legitimize everything Francis has done, is doing and will do. Arrupe searched for a primitive charism...hence we now have Francis' Amazon synod which will lead to Amazonian Catholicism.

    Guess Catholic women will legitimately be able to join FEMEN and go topless like women in the Amazon. Catholic women will no longer have to worry about what to wear on Sunday for Mass. We can go native, go topless.

  4. Speaking of powheads, OED word of the day...

    Yogi Berra vs Ice-Berg

    It was the 7th inning stretch. Manager Yogi Berra gave his rookie pitcher the once-over in the Yankee dugout.
    Say Ice-Berg, how come you want to play for the Yankees? You hate Americans.

    Ice-Berg: If you ask me anything I don’t know, I won’t answer.

    Yogi: That’s my line. So you really don’t know the answers to the Dubia?
    You’re a switch hitter, talking outta both sides of your mouth. An amphibious powhead.
    Speaking of amphibians, what’s with this Amazon synod?

    Ice-Berg: If I see a fork in the river, I’ll take it.

    Yogi: If you don’t know where you’re going, you might wind up somewhere else.
    I’m Catholic. Imitation of Christ. But if you can’t imitate Him, don’t pretend to copy Him.

    Ice-Berg: I never said half the things I said. Then again, I might have said them, but you never know.

    Yogi: Sounds like deja vu all over again from your last air-borne audience. Ya know, Ice-berg, there are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ‘em.

    Why don’t you go back and play for that bush league Argentine soccer team. You just can’t cut it in the major leagues. Bad popes & pitchers are either crybabies or liars.
    Being a good pope is 90% mental and the other half is physically kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament.

    Ice-Berg: The future of rigid Catholicism ain’t what it used to be.

    Yogi: You eco-lib Jesuits make too many wrong mistakes.

    Ice-Berg: It ain’t over til it’s over.

    Yogi: It’s over.

    1. Thank you very much. I didn't understand a word of that, so it must be profound.

  5. Profound inside baseball color commentary.