This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 30 October 2019

Welcome to Pagan Voices!

My dear friend Austen Ivereigh and I have decided to start a new organization, Pagan Voices. The object of our team will be to improve the Pagan Church's representation in the media, above all in news programmes and debates. Expect to see us on many radio and television programmes in future, where we are certain to make a big impression on bishops and broadcasters alike.

Pachamama logo

Our new logo, the pregnant Pachamama idol.

The founding of our organization is a direct response to the bad publicity that the recent Pachamama Synod received in the Catholic media - many people labelling it as "pagan" without fully understanding the spiritual nourishment obtainable from pagan beliefs. Austen and I meet regularly to say prayers to the great Mother Earth Goddess, to kiss the soil, and to talk to the trees. Today my colleague received an offer of £10 million from a Nigerian who wants to borrow his bank account. If that doesn't prove that Pachamama answers our prayers, then I'm just a useless lump of wood drifting down the Tiber!

So far we have not yet received an answer from Pope Francis to our request that he become a sponsor of Pagan Voices. Although he was present when Our Lady Pachamama was honoured, we fear that he may use the same excuse that Jeremy Corbyn did when spotted participating in a wreath-laying ceremony for terrorists: "I was present, but I don’t think I was actually involved."

Paganism with Pope Francis

Pope Francis is not yet a fully-confirmed member of our Church.

Still, Austen has already begun work on the third and last volume of his Pope Francis trilogy, "Pope Francis, the great pagan," which should be out in time for Christmas 2020.

That's it really. If anyone wants to become a "Pagan Voices" spokesman, contact Austen, and he will book you onto his classes, where you will learn to speak in a deep mystical voice, throwing out all the standard catchphrases abour Mother Nature, Laudato Si', and the Great Pregnant Earth Goddess who will give birth to new Redeemer (or so Austen tells me).


  1. Program suggestions: Placing Desiccated Llama Fetuses Beneath the Sacrificial Altar in Your Parish and The Altar is no Longer a "Table" Since Sacrifice Must be Offered to Pachamama"

    1. You made the point that n.o.
      masses deny the sacrificial essence of the Mass. We must stay clear of them.

  2. Bruvver Eccles, as your namesake on the Highly Esteemed Goon Show once sang "I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away..."

  3. We is saved.

    We is all saved.

    God Bless the Trees.

  4. You seem to be a nasty bunch of people

  5. Whisper it QUIETLY, but as a Pagan I APPLAUD your new initiative! SILENCED for so long, it's time we RAISED OUR VOICES!No more will we be MARGINALISED and IGNORED, but we will MAKE OURSELVES HEARD!After all, did not your Jesus say that the meek shall inherit the earth? None so meek as the Pagans - and we get an easy ride in the press, too - the media love our frolicking around Stonehenge - it seems they've forgotten about the old child sacrifice thing, and re. the Amazon synod, the Church is being pretty decent about it too...

    1. The media haven't forgotten about the old child sacrifice thing, as eco-pagans, they fully supported it being reinstated - they just do not support animal sacrifices as it is speciesist, oppressive and cruel.

  6. Editor@Pagan Voices
    High Noon Duel at Diablo

    It was difficult to determine any good guy with both men dressed in flowing white robes.
    Sheikh-dadi offered: Scimitars or pistols?

    Pacha-papa: Since I believe in gun control, scimitars.

    Their seconds stepped forward to hand each man a long curving blade. Their weapons glinted in the bright noonday sun.
    Sheikh-dadi opened with a cutting remark:
    We are willing to cooperate with infidels, at least until we outnumber you. Then you will fall under the rule of Islam.

    Pacha-papa: (parrying) We are willing to compromise all to meld all religions into one.

    Shiekh-dadi: En garde! Yes, there must be one faith as our god is one and Mo is his prophet.

    Pacha-papa: Touche. Not sure if God is one, but can Pachamama also be a prophet?

    Shiekh-dadi: (Slashing) A lesser prophet, ok. But If you try to convert any of us, you will receive the death penalty. What’ll it be: hanging, beheading, or stoning?

    Pacha-papa: (ducking) Have you not heard I outlawed the death penalty? At any rate, I only preach Pachamama proselytization.

    Shiekh-dadi: (pointedly) Francis of Assisi once spoke to us of his God Who allowed no idol-worship. Real Francis was respected, not killed. All conflicting religions cannot be willed by God!

    Pacha-papa: If everyone worships my every infallible word that will stop all this false idol talk.

    Sheikh-dadi: (guardedly) Prophet Mo’s daughter Fatima has a Moslem name. Does the Fatima message have significance for the whole world?

    Pacha-papa: Well, I did go to Fatima once to announce I might be the Bishop in White.

    Shiekh-dadi: (lowering scimitar) Hmm, is it not prophesied to go badly for the Bishop in White?

    Pacha-papa: Umm…

    Shiekh-dadi: It is not honorable to duel with a toothless lion. You must face your fate, the destruction of the West. UNLESS your God and His Mother are victorious...

    1. Toothless and rotten gummed. God and His Mother will be victorious - they are already in fact and about to give Dadi and Papa a good Sheikhing (and preferably then throw them into the Abyss - sorry, Tiber.

    2. Dear Heloise, a good sheikhing indeed.