This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 27 September 2018

The Spreadsheet from Hell

The World Cup of Bad Hymns has started, and here are the groupings for the first round. Apologies if your favourite bad hymn isn't there: one or two couldn't be found on the Internet, and one or two came in too late.
Hymn Author Group
God's Spirit is in my heart Alan Dale 2
This little guiding light of mine anon 1
Were you there when they crucified my Lord? anon 12
Kumbayah anon 10
Christ be our light Bernadette Farrell 13
Bind us together, Lord Bob Gillman 15
If I were a butterfly Brian Howard 5
I Just Wanna Be A Sheep Brian M. Howard 14
The love I have for You, my Lord Carey Landry 16
Forever Chris Tomlin 4
Walk in the Light Damian Lundy 3
I, the Lord of sea and sky Daniel Schutte 1
City of God Daniel Schutte 7
Come to the Table of Plenty Daniel Schutte 16
Jesus take me as I am Dave Bryant 11
Now we remain David Haas 2
You are Mine David Haas 6
Sing a New Church Delores Dufner 6
I saw the grass, I saw the trees Estelle White 8
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled Estelle White 15
Moses, I know you're the man Estelle White 14
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top Estelle White 16
Deep within my heart, I feel voices whispering to me Frank Andersen 7
God of concrete Frederick R.C. Clarke 9
O mother, I could weep for mirth Frederick W. Faber 5
Shine, Jesus, Shine Graham Kendrick 10
Lay Down Your Head, Lord Jesus Christ Graham Maule 2
Journeys ended, journeys begun Gregory Norbet 14
This little light of mine Harry Dixon Loes 4
The Baker Woman Hubert J. Richards 8
I am the Living Bread Ifeanyichukwu Eze 7
Eat this bread Jacques Berthier 11
I love you with the love of the Lord Jim Gilbert 16
This is My Body, Broken for you Jimmy Owens 4
One bread, one body John Foley 12
I watch the sunrise John Glynn 13
There are hundreds of sparrows John Gowans 13
Jesus Christ is waiting John L. Bell 3
Enemy of apathy John L. Bell and Graham Maule 14
Gift of finest wheat John Michael Talbot 1
Come back to me with all your heart John Michael Talbot 12
Amazing Grace John Newton 10
I love to tell the story Katherine Hankey 11
Precious Body, Precious Blood Laurence Rosania 9
Our God reigns Leonard E. Smith 3
Gloria (clap clap) Martin Anderson 12
As the deer pants Martin Nystrom 11
Let us build a house where love can dwell Marty Haugen 5
Gather us in Marty Haugen 6
Springs of water, bless the Lord Marty Haugen 15
Who is the alien Mary Louise Bringle 9
Follow me Michael Cocket 10
The world is full of smelly feet Michael Forster 8
On eagle's wings Michael Joncas 4
Alleluia Ch-Ch Paul Inwood 15
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love Peter Scholtes 8
Jesus Christ the apple tree R.H. 9
Here we are, all together, as we sing our song, joyfully Ray Repp 7
Make me a channel of your peace Sebastian Temple 6
Go, the Mass is ended Sister Marie Lydia Pereira 3
Colours of day Sue McClellan 1
Caterpillar, caterpillar Susan Sayers 5
I am the Bread of Life Suzanne Toolan 13
Lord of the Dance Sydney Carter 2

I have had a sheltered life, and only know about half of these masterpieces.

Addendum: It turns out that "Let us build a house" and "All are welcome" are the same hymn, so I have deleted the latter, and replaced it with "Were you there when they crucified my Lord?"

Enough said.


  1. Was sure that the Smelly Feet hymn had to be a creation of the Ecclesian mind but, no, no. At least it is marketed to those below the age of reason.

  2. Surely that dear pants song is by Marks and Spencer.

  3. Ugh, my ears! I can hear them just by saying the titles! I can't not hear them.

  4. The songs attributed to John Michael Talbot here are rightly credited to and blamed on other authors: "Gift of Finest Wheat" was written by Omer Westendorf who extruded many didactic songs, and "Hosea (Cone back to me)" is by former monk Gregory Norbet.

    1. OK, thanks. I won't bother editing the post.

  5. Readers will note that by far the majority of these are 'Modern' hymns. One exception which stands out is 'O Mother I could weep for mirth' by Fr Faber. This having been written in Victorian times reflected Victorian sentiment which is no longer fashionable. It made me wonder what kind of sentiment the 'Modern' hymns reflect and looking at the titles it appears that Mother Nature has replaced God and his Saints.

    Butterflies, sheep, caterpillars, sparrows, deer, sea, sky, grass and trees etc etc. Give me the opportunity of singing 'Faith of our Fathers' any day.

    Incidentally on googling Kumbaya I was surprised to learn it dates from 1920. Hearing this sung brings back to me memories of a very rough ferry crossing when a group of youngsters near me, who appeared to be the only ones not being sick, sang it over and over again!

    1. that would surely put me "beyond the pale," so to speak (or spew).

  6. My selections for the second round:

    The Beatles “My Sweet Lord” and “Let It Be (Mother Mary Comes to Me)”

    Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge over Troubled Water” and “Mrs. Robinson (Jesus Loves You More Than You Will Know)”

  7. I still nominate "Anything Goes" by Cole Porter. ... Times have changed and...God knows, anything goes. ...If old hymns you like...the world has gone mad today, and good's bad today, etc. Am sure Dan Schutte could rewrite the lyrics.

  8. I notice that Shine, Jesus, Shine only got 10 votes, which surprised me. Until you have experienced it sung (or rather, shouted) complete with hand-clapping and foot-stamping accompaniment to every verse, you have not plumbed the depths, in my opinion.

    Currently our PP is inflicting on us assorted Mass settings by Dan Schutte. This is made particularly cruel because, just down the road, they are chanting Gregorian. How about another spreadsheet devoted to tone-deaf musical dribble under the guise of Mass settings?

    1. Eh? The 10 means that it's in Group 10. There are 16 groups, and the top 2 in each group go through to the last 32. I expect SJS to qualify. Schutte should also do well.

    2. Thank you! Alas I have led an even more sheltered life - I don't understand the processes of World Cup football scoring or ranking, whicheveritis.

    3. I may as well explain the rules, as I haven't really done so yet.
      The 64 are divided into 16 groups of 4, of which 2 go through to the next round.
      Then we get down to the last 32 (8 groups) and then 16 (4 groups).
      The last 8 go through a standard knock-out competition, until we have a winner, which we're all going to sing together.

    4. bruvver eccles, do i detect a streak of lyrical cruelty in you...?

    5. For HORRIFIC Mass settings check out any post 1969 "Catholic" hymnal!! (Although I believe that the wily bishops of England and Wales, despite they're being responsible, authorised none of 'em despite saying no hymn was to be used without their authority! The vast vulgarity of Catholic worship is down to them (and others around the world. Did they mean to distort the appreciation of what the Mass really is? Were they trying to destroy the Church?

  9. How about All Are Welcome? I used to cringe whenever I would hear that song. I always see that saying with the rainbow flag at Protestant churches. Thanks be to God for the TLM. I am now spared these insipid songs.

  10. Frederick R.C. Clarke, one of the organizers of the dreadful United Church-Anglican Church of Canada Red Hymnal (a.k.a. "The Red Menace") of the 1970s, opportunistically inserted a fair number of his own.. er.. "unique" hymnic offerings into "The Red Book". All of them have the same remarkable, nay, searingly unforgettable quality of "God of Concrete, God Of Steel".

    The Canadian Anglicans, at least, made a new hymnbook after "The Red Menace", which hymnbook bent the knee unto feminism, environmentalism, theological fuzziness, "inclusive" language, and other modern Isms & Ba'als unto which all knees must be humbly bent, or else you're a bigotry.

    1. We always refereed to it as the Red Abomination.

  11. "Let there be peace on earth, let this be my solemn vow." "And let it begin with me!"

  12. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved and rescued me!"

  13. "Each newborn servant,of the Crucified! bears on the brow, the mark of one who died!"

  14. Here's something to help some of those perhaps hesitating in what to vote for, of its opposite :

  15. I had started writing the following : could some kind person explain to me what the 'Xtian'means as in 'They'll know we are Xtian'? Could I replace it with 'They'll know we are Martian' or 'Xrigid' or even 'LGBTQ'?

    Light dawned as I finished typing - always hated that 'hymn' but it's dangerous to abbreviate anything these days -the mind boggles or conjures up all sorts of possibilities!!

    1. Sorry about that, Twitter didn't give me enough characters. And after all XP (or chi-rho) is a traditional abbreviation for Christos.

  16. Just shows how conditioned I'm becoming to assuming everything is sacrilegious or worse which isn't 100% clear! Same goes for not being able to distinguish true news from satire any longer.

  17. Not sure I know even half of them, but somehow I don't feel like I'm missing much.

    1. By the time we get down to the last few rounds, only the really notorious ones will be left.

  18. Can't help but think of the SNL routine (when the show was actually funny) "Really Bad Theater" with the great line "There, now that wasn't so good, was it."

    In listening to these, can't help but notice that "they all sound the same", same sing-songy meter and rhythm. Nah-hah-hah-NAHHHHH-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.