This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 28 January 2020

Pope Francis really does resign

Rumours circuating in the Vatican were confirmed today, when Pope Francis finally announced his resignation. "My work here is done," he said. "I have united the Catholic Church, sorted out China, put Catholic doctrine on a firm and unambiguous basis, cleared up all the questions of the Vatican finances, got rid of all the perverts and junkies, and in general ushered in a new era of Catholicism. In conclusion I would like to state infallibly and ex cathedra that... aaargh!"

The "aaargh" is not a new piece of doctrine, but was the result of a mass rush onto the dais when it was feared that the Holy Father might say something incredibly stupid ex cathedra, rather than, as is usual, ex aeroplana or ad Scalfarium.

Pope Francis

"It's been a lot of fun!"

So Francis fades into obscurity, having vowed to spend his declining years in (a) learning how to pray; (b) writing his memoirs to correct the errors of Austen Ivereigh; and (c) trying to chase up that Chinese pilgrim whom he impatiently slapped... "so that I can give her a real walloping". Now we have a Pope Emeritus Senior and a Pope Emeritus Junior, and the question is: who will be next?

Well, it can't be Cupich (too heretical), Marx (too fat for the chair of Peter), Tagle (too pathetic), Sarah (too African), or Burke (too American). So here is our hot tip:

Cardinal Saito has been hiding in the Burmese jungle since the 1960s, and has never heard of Vatican II. When he first went there as a young priest, all Masses were in the extraordinary form, clerical sex abuse hadn't been invented, men were real men, and popes were real popes (or at least as real as John XXIII). Owing to a clerical error, Saito was raised to the College of Cardinals by Pope John-Paul II, even though nobody had heard of him for 40 years.

Cato and Clouseau

The Cardinal who came in from the cold: Saito smites a heretic.

Support for Saito is gathering among all sections of the College of Cardinals, as someone who can start the Church off with a clean sheet, and who is totally uninfluenced by Freemasonry, Liberation Theology, Modernism, Feminism, Wokeness, etc. If elected, he will restore everything in the Church to how it was in 1960. Of course his habit of running around with a machete, shouting, "Kill the heretics" is not likely to endear him to everyone. Still, you heard it here first. Look out for Pope Goliath!


  1. What would once have been outrageous a mere seven years ago now even looks quite attractive...

  2. Pope Saito... has quite a ring to it - a papal ring even!

  3. "Kill the heretics." ? I think I'll like Pope Goliath, Eccles.

  4. Vatican II City-State-- Hard on the heels of Cardinal Saito, his rival arrives, suitably attired in sackcloth & ashes. Card. Cocco greets the utterly unassuming Mr. Uriah Heep.

    Card. Cocco (CC): Uriah (UH), what qualifies you for a Vatican position?

    UH: I was an ‘umble clerk in Mr. Wickfield’s law office until his wiley weaselly, lodger, Davy Copperfield accused me of cooking the books, pocketing the firm’s profits. So I do need a job.

    CC: UH, you seem to have a heep of potential. Perhaps a post with Vaticano Banco-Bunco?

    UH: I propose a new position: Professional Consulting Sycophant.™
    You see, obsequiousness is an art form in today’s competitive world, a world in which one must disguise one’s naked ambition while pursuing global geo-political hegemony--

    CC: We already possess an abundant supply of papabile sycophants.

    UH: The big plum for an ‘umble minion like me would be (rubbing his hands together in a manner most unctuous), a position so dreadfully far above my ‘umble state in life...

    CC: Yes…?
    UH: How about...Pope!
    CC: Hmm… aren’t you an Anglican?

    UH: I believe so. But in this era of eco-ecumenism, let’s not go all rigid and pan-phobic.
    Say, Card. Cocco, what about your old job? The Congregation for Cocaine-Enhanced Entertainment of Erotically-inclined Clerical Etruscans.

    CC: Mr. Heep, we’ll keep your, resume on file. Ciao