This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 5 October 2023

We eavesdropped on the Synod

Nothing can keep down an ace reporter. I gatecrashed the 2013 conclave by borrowing a cardinal's robes (without permission, in fact), and today I was in the Synod of Synodiocy disguised as Sister Lesbia Nosebucket, the feminist nun and professor of transgender hermeneutics.

All reporting was forbidden: Pope Francis doesn't want it to be known what the views of the participants were, because he has already written the final report. Still, here are some of the snippets I managed to catch:

Synod logo

"When's the big hairy giant going to turn up?"

"Why don't we..."

"That's immoral! Let's do it."

"Austen, would you like some cushions so that you can reach the table?"

"Who's nicked my my Pachamama doll?"

"Haven't we met on Grindr?"

"These Team Rupnik tee-shirts really give us a sense of unity."

Synod crowd

"I see your 'ordain donkeys' and raise you to 'bless people who marry donkeys'."

"Tucho just made an improper suggestion to me! Still, I'll think about it."

"Arthur, that food was for the whole table!"

"Give us a kiss."

"If you haven't read my book about Lazarus's LGBT orgies you've missed out."

"How did you do it with a melon?"

Synod table

"I'm a deaconess. Do your own washing up."

"You're a Jesuit? There's a coincidence - I'm a weirdo too."

"Austen, you've licked my boots enough now."

"You're trans? What does the diocese think?"

"There's only insect pie for dinner, Arthur. Read my new essay 'Loada Te-dium'."


  1. If those pictures are the face of the modern Catholic Church, then we really are all screwed.

  2. Probably pretty accurate. From Barque of Peter to Ship of Fools.

  3. Clues:

    The saved person is sitting next to a bishop.

    The slightly-saved person is sitting next to a nun.

    The person who is probably saved drinks whisky.

    The person who drinks beer is already bored with proceedings and has furtively opened a tab to follow the Rugby World Cup.

    The person to his left thinks Japan will defeat Argentina.

    The person to his right is adamant Argentina will win.

    The person sitting opposite them is doing the chess problem on Fr Z's blog, and has no opinion either way.

    Question: Which one is Eccles?

    1. Hilarious comment on a very hilarious post.

    2. It's like the SHIELD guys from the Avengers - "that guy's playing Gallagher!" (Cue *pew pew* noises)

  4. Neo-knights of the round table who say Nit to fellow Nitwits.

  5. This is priceless! Thank you, Eccles!!!

  6. Hilarious post on a ludicrous bunch of pagans. Thank you, Eccles!