The five environmental mysteries of the Rosary

Today there is, apparently, Earth Hour, or St Mother Earth's Hour, to give it the official title. Not to be confused with Earth Day (April 22nd), and - no doubt - Earth History Month, Earth Awareness Week, etc. etc. for those who are really into environmentalism. Accordingly, the Vatican will turn off lights on St Peter's Basilica tonight. Let's hope they don't accidentally turn off the light on Pope Francis's medical support system, as well.

It has also been decided to add a new set of mysteries to the Rosary (well, if Pope John Paul II could do it, why can't Francis?) As usual it will consist of five mysteries, and they are as follows:

Calming the climate change storm.

In the first century, climate change was a big concern of the Roman Empire, and whenever the weather was unusually wet, dry, hot, cold, windy or calm, they knew that fossil fuels were to blame.

Feeding the 5000 on lab-grown burgers.

Locusts and wild honey were a popular Biblical food, introduced by St John the Billgates, but sometimes people wanted more than this. Turning down an environmentally dangerous offer of loaves and fishes, Our Lord came up with a better alternative, produced in His father Joseph's laboratory.

Replacing the barren fig tree with a solar panel.

When Jesus encountered a useless fig tree, which was producing no energy, He cursed it and replaced it with a solar panel, as the best way to Save the Planet. This is why Protestants often use the term "Solar Scripture".

Saying "just stop" when anointed with oil.

"Just stop oil" is probably one of the best-known Biblical commandments, and its origin is the anointing (John 12) when Mary of Bethany made an environmental blunder by using precious spikenard. Naturally, she was stopped in her tracks, and the oil was instead given to a third-world country, where it could be used without harming the environment.

Riding a donkey fed on methane-reducing Bovaer.

The true message of Palm Sunday is often overlooked. It was not simply that a King entered, riding on a donkey, as predicted in Zechariah 9: it was the fact that the crowd were shouting "Hosanna, blessed is he that cometh in the name of Mother Earth."

Usually five mysteries are considered to be enough. Pope Francis did not want to be so rigid, and he was proposing an extra mystery (any suggestions?) However, the fact that if he did so then Catholics would have to buy rosaries with extra beads dissuaded him. After all, nobody wants to be beaten up by angry nuns!