This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 2 March 2024

Vincent Nichols cancels Triduum

Catholics in the diocese of Westminster have been surprised to learn from Cardinal Nichols that this year the Triduum is completely cancelled, and they will move immediately from Thursday afternoon (after Cardinal Nichols has completed the ceremonial washing of the feet of women, Muslims, dogs and cats) to the traditional Sunday evening worship of rabbits and eggs, as performed by the Church since the first century.

However, three new activities are to replace the triduum, as follows:

Amal and Vin

1. All praise to Little Amal!

Another opportunity to worship Little Amal, the symbol of migration (or was it climate change? I forget). And if you don't, then she will send her mother, Big Amal, to beat you up!

Vin and football jersey

2. The religion of football.

Football (soccer) is already one of the main obsessions of the UK, and it is time that the Catholic Church forgot about all that passiontide stuff and celebrated a religion said to have been founded by the disciples. It is no coincidence that there were exactly 11 of them left after Judas Iscariot was, er, transferred.

Vin and Sikh blessing

3. This would be an ecumenical matter.

It is no coincidence that March is Black Transgender Sikh History Awareness Month, and we must always be open to alternative forms of worship, provided that they are not in Latin!

Roche and Nichols

Definitely no TLM!

On reaching the age of 75, Cardinal Nichols tendered his resignation to the Pope, as he was obliged to. However, the Pope is not obliged to accept the resignations of yes-men: trouble-makers are another matter, of course, and they are instantly cast into the outer darkness without a home, a job, or a pension. We have all seen DO NOT FEED THE BURKE signs on the walls of the Vatican. However, Vin is safe for the time being (and so are we, if they are really thinking of John Arnold as a successor).

LMS triduum

"Ugh! Heresy! Take it away!"


  1. He is Novus Ordo,and you're shocked 60 yrs into the Apostasy?
    Lux Vera site has listings of traditional Catholic Chapels in the U.K. Find one and attend the Triduum.

    God bless,

    1. Sede chapels don't count as Catholic, they're just a different brand of Protestantism

  2. And I thought they were going to replace all that Latin Lenten stuff with Hot Cross Bunday, followed by Creme Egg Sunday! I'm really disappointed now...