Vincent Nichols cancels Triduum

Catholics in the diocese of Westminster have been surprised to learn from Cardinal Nichols that this year the Triduum is completely cancelled, and they will move immediately from Thursday afternoon (after Cardinal Nichols has completed the ceremonial washing of the feet of women, Muslims, dogs and cats) to the traditional Sunday evening worship of rabbits and eggs, as performed by the Church since the first century.

However, three new activities are to replace the triduum, as follows:

1. All praise to Little Amal!

Another opportunity to worship Little Amal, the symbol of migration (or was it climate change? I forget). And if you don't, then she will send her mother, Big Amal, to beat you up!

2. The religion of football.

Football (soccer) is already one of the main obsessions of the UK, and it is time that the Catholic Church forgot about all that passiontide stuff and celebrated a religion said to have been founded by the disciples. It is no coincidence that there were exactly 11 of them left after Judas Iscariot was, er, transferred.

3. This would be an ecumenical matter.

It is no coincidence that March is Black Transgender Sikh History Awareness Month, and we must always be open to alternative forms of worship, provided that they are not in Latin!

Definitely no TLM!

On reaching the age of 75, Cardinal Nichols tendered his resignation to the Pope, as he was obliged to. However, the Pope is not obliged to accept the resignations of yes-men: trouble-makers are another matter, of course, and they are instantly cast into the outer darkness without a home, a job, or a pension. We have all seen DO NOT FEED THE BURKE signs on the walls of the Vatican. However, Vin is safe for the time being (and so are we, if they are really thinking of John Arnold as a successor).

"Ugh! Heresy! Take it away!"

Vincent Nichols spells it out

From: bigcheese@rcdow.org.uk
To: serfs@rcdow.org.uk

Dear Priests of the Archdiocese of Westminster,

You have probably read in the Tablet about a misguided statement from Cardinal Sarah, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, suggesting that some priests might like to consider the possibility, perhaps, if it not too much trouble, and nobody minds, of maybe going so far as celebrating some Masses ad orientem.

For those of you under the age of 60 who won't have learnt any Latin, this is the Language of Satan's way of saying "with your back turned rudely towards the congregation, making it hard for them to take selfies with you during Mass".

I'm so glad to see the back of Cardinal Sarah.

Now I wouldn't go as far as my mentor, Cardinal Kasper, who said "Blimey! Those fuzzy-wuzzy priests are getting a bit above themselves, aren't they?" but it is clear to me that my own opinions - those of a cardinal who is, dare I say it, papabile - must outweigh any ideas put forward by some jumped-up chap from the CDW who has clearly never thought about the issue.

May I remind you all that the General Instruction of the Roman Missal - which has come down to us unchanged from the days of Moses - explicitly says that the altar should be pulled back from the wall so that the cleaners can easily dust it, and this means NO FACING EAST OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL.

On rare occasions, facing East is unavoidable.

May I also emphasise that the celebration of the Church’s Liturgy is not a place in which priests are to exercise personal preference or taste - it is MY personal preference and taste that should be your guide in all things, even when people from the CDW say otherwise. I've even got the Pope on my side - well, I've got Lombardi and Rosica, and the Holy Father always backs up what they say, if he doesn't want to find caterpillars in his bed.

So I'm sure you'll all agree that, as your ordinary - and I have always tried to be as ordinary as possible - all matters of liturgy, doctrine, morals, and choice of football team to support are my decision and mine only. So belt up, the lot of you.

And my fan club, the Mini Vinnies, agrees with me!

There's only one religious scandal

We've seen a few religious scandals recently, but they all have exactly the same plot. A controversial person moves into a job previously occupied by a more popular person; he does something weird, and annoys people; he eventually leaves. This plot was invented by Anthony Trollope.

We've seen it all before.

Thanks to
*
a change of Prime Minister,
the machinations of Cormac Murphy-O'Connor,
insufficient investigation by the Vatican,
sloppy thinking by Archbishop Peter Smith,
*
Barchester
Rome
Westminster
Blackfen
*
is stunned by the arrival of
*
"well, my dear, I rather believe you are right"
"self-absorbed promethean neopelagianism"
"I'm not kidding you, I actually can't remember which way I voted"
"I didn't mention his rainbow mankini, did I?"
*
Bishop Proudie,
Pope Francis,
Cardinal Vincent Nichols,
Fr Steven Fisher,
*
who
*
blocks the reappointment of Septimus Harding to Hiram's Hospital.
accepts a Bolivian artefact that glorifies Marxism.
celebrates a "Gay Mass".
drives away the lovers of the traditional Mass. 

A powerful German bishop. Or is this just a lookalike?

The faithful are further outraged by the conduct of 
*
Obadiah Slope,
Cardinal Kasper,
Mgr Keith Barltrop,
a certain deacon,
*
who
*
decides to woo Mrs Eleanor Bold.
pushes heretical doctrine on the subject of marriage. 
does not understand the Church's views on transgenderism.
sits in a shed stirring up trouble.
*
In the end, the new man
*
is forced to accept Mr Arabin as the new Dean,
retires, leaving Cardinal Pell to be elected as his successor,
gets a stiff letter from the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith,
resigns and goes to teach in a school,
*
and everyone lives happily ever after.

Mourning the departure of Fr Steven Fisher.

Who was the mystery priest?

When Katie Lentz of Missouri, USA, was trapped in a crashed car, a "mystery priest", appeared from nowhere and prayed with her. The story has miraculous elements, as the priest appears on no photographs of the scene, and later ascended bodily into Heaven (I may have got that bit wrong).

"Hand me down a blanket!" says the mystery priest.

Although in some accounts, the mystery priest was later identified as Fr Patrick Dowling, this is far too improbable a theory, and we suggest some other miracle-working priests.

Father John Zuhlsdorf, with his bus pass.

Father Z, a traditional Catholic and celebrity blogger, is also an experienced miracle-worker, and would have no trouble manifesting himself at a road accident, provided that he was facing east at the time. Known for miraculous deeds such as "turning the water into coffee" and "driving the demons out of the National Catholic Reporter", Fr Z is also prepared to do liturgical materializations, if the instructions are written in red.

Fr Eccles.

Fr Eccles, author of The Pilgrim's Ogress, a biography of his aunt Moly, normally wears a red biretta. However, this week he lent his red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols ("I'd just like to try one on and see what I look like in it"), and was wearing a simple black one.

The mystery priest sustained Katie Lentz with a dish of Eccles cake and custard.

Fr Tony Flannery? No, the man looked like a priest.

The "mystery priest" was reported as behaving entirely like a normal Catholic priest in good standing, who did not once moan about how beastly the Vatican had been to him. We must regretfully eliminate Fr Flannery from our list of suspects, even though, as one person put it, "It's a miracle that he's still a priest."

Bishop John Arnold.

Bishop John Arnold is chairman of the allegedly-Catholic charity CAFOD, and credited with a miracle that still leaves people's jaws dropping - the pouring out of gold (£90,000) onto CAFOD's Chief Executive Chris Bain. John Arnold has links with more plausibly Catholic organizations as well, including the Archdiocese of Westminster, an organization which recently hosted a lecture by Tina Beattie. So far he has not denied being the "mystery priest".

Oh all right, perhaps it was Fr Dowling after all.

The Westminster Heresy Lectures

Arranged by Vincent Nichols in conjunction with the Tablet.

To mark Lent, the Archdiocese of Westminster has organized a strong programme of public lectures exploring heresy in all its aspects. Here are some of the forthcoming attractions.

---

Tina Beattie shirts are now on sale.

To kick off, Professor Tina Beattie will be explaining the heresies of modernism. We look forward to hearing her views on the doctrine on same-sex marriage, as explained in that beautiful passage from Matthew 19 in the Roehampton Bible.

Have ye not read, that He who made man from the beginning, made them male and male, and female and female, and sometimes a bit of both? For this cause shall a man leave father and father's boyfriend, and shall cleave to another man, and they two shall be in one flesh.

One of the sacred texts we shall study in Lent.

As an encore she will read from her wonderful book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, where the Mass is likened to an orgasmic celebration of homosexual love.

Says Tina: "One of my favourite ploys is to announce that I am giving a lecture about the Blessed Virgin Mary. After that, I can say what I like!" A Tablet spokesman said, "If Mary is God's Mother, then surely Tina is God's slightly eccentric Auntie!"

---

Alain de Bottom (L, with ass's head).

Also coming to Westminster is celebrity intellectual Alain de Bottom, "The man with the ass's head," who will be providing spiritual nourishment from his new book Religion for Atheists. In particular he will be talking about his Ten Commandments for Atheists.

Says Alain: "If I had to design a list of 10 virtues that could apply today, I might go for the following:

Smugness, Banality, Self-centredness, Pretentiousness, Emeticality, Pseudo-intellectualism, Moral blindness, Fluffy niceness, Apparent omniscience, and Pomposity."

Marcel Proust, author of Comment Alain de Botton peut changer votre vie.

However, Damian Thompson, a well-known expert on custard who occasionally dabbles in Catholic journalism, expressed a dissenting viewpoint: "Frankly, I can't take Alain seriously, as he is going very bald."

---

Chris Bryant MP (with offensive parts redacted).

Fresh from the same-sex "marriage" debate in the House of Commons, we have Chris Bryant MP, star of a "gay-dating" website, who will speak on What is truth?

Says Chris, "I want to get away from old-fashioned notions of truth and falsehood. As I said to Edward Leigh in the House of Commons, the assurances that I made a few years ago no longer apply because I believe that the world has moved on."

Father, don't blame me: that cherry tree came down because the world has moved on.

---

Says Vincent Nichols, "I am hoping that by inviting so many experts to challenge Catholic doctrine I shall become more well-known in Rome, and - who knows? - I may finally get that elusive red hat."