In Memoriam: Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett (or at least the actor Frank Kelly, who portrayed him) has died, and tributes are already flooding in.

So, farewell then...

Cardinal Ravasi, President of the Pontifical Council for Culture

When that good Catholic David Bowie passed away, I tweeted "Ground Control to Major Tom, Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition, and may God's love be with you." Now that an even more distinguished Catholic has gone to meet his Maker, all that the Pontifical Council for Culture has to say is "Feck! Girls! Arse! Drink!"

Fr Tony Flannery, Redemptorist Extraordinaire

Many people have said that I bear a slight resemblance to Fr Jack Hackett, and certainly we share similar religious opinions, namely, "Feck Off, Pope!" Today has been a strange day, as people have come up to me and said "We thought you were dead, Father." I am happy to say that I am still alive and I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. But I miss Fr Jack's support for my annoy-the-Vatican campaign.

Stephen Fry, luvvie-in-chief.

Bottoms. bottoms. bottoms! I've always had a great appreciation for bottoms, and so, I would say, has Fr Jack, to judge from his regular cries of "Arse!" Of course he was a Catholic, so as far as I am concerned he could feck off.

You don't like my comments? Well feck you! I'm not commenting on this blog ever again, and I'm going to leave this planet. Uranus looks nice.

Donald Trump, future President of the USA, possibly.

I would like to pay tribute to one of my closest friends, Father Jock Hoggett. At present I am too busy campaigning in order to make America great again, as otherwise I would be rushing over to Iceland to attend his funeral!

Diarmuid Martin, Archbishop of Dublin.

There was a time when Fr Jack Hackett and I were in strong contention for the job of Archbishop of Dublin. I won the contest by a whisker, and I think it is fair to say that my strong spiritual leadership has given Irish Catholicism the moral high ground and influence that it possesses this day. Fr Jack would have been unable to show the courage and decisiveness for which I am known. Maybe.

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

In my days at Telegraph blogs we had a little fun at the expense of Fr Jack. In reality he was a sober, polite and learned man, but we created for him the persona of a lecherous, foul-mouthed, drunk: many people were fooled by it. As a result the Irish Magic Circle of bishops was thwarted in its attempts to install Fr Jack as Archbishop of Dublin.

The true Fr Jack: author of a ground-breaking monograph on John Henry Newman.

It's Bowie-mania in the Vatican!

I don't really know much about the late David Robert Jones, also known as David Bowie, although I once nearly met him (I'm fairly sure that we were both in London at the same time, or maybe that was someone else). However, certain distinguished people in the Vatican are singing his praises, so he must have been a devout and holy person, whatever else he got up to.

A devout and holy person.

First, we heard from Father Thomas Rosica, the Salt and Light media magnate, who tweeted a spiritually nourishing message. I have had some worries about Fr Rosica's health lately (it's rumoured that he had a severe case of Repetitive Strain Injury after blocking the entire Catholic Church on Twitter), and I do wonder whether he could have been overworking. It's hard to imagine a man of Rosica's build bopping around to the sounds of David Bowie.

Anyway, Rosica's message was "The world remembers David Bowie with gratitude. He helped us to remember those on the peripheries of life," and he linked to a video of a man with some Kermit the Frog glovepuppets. Time for your lie-down, Father!

Fr Rosica rehearses Space Oddity with Cardinal Tagle.

Well, Rosica is Rosica. A more worrying case was that of Cardinal Ravasi, President of the Pontifical Council for Culture. I thought at first his Twitter account had been hacked, when I saw that he'd tweeted first a platitude from Buddha, then the following message:

Ground Control to Cardinal Ravasi: Have you been hacked?

I suppose that "culture" can mean many things, including music, literature, and colonies of bacteria, and when you are 73 (as Ravasi is), you may have fond memories of the 1960s and 1970s. Now, no offence to the late David Bowie, but he wasn't particularly Christian. If anything, he was drawn towards Buddhism. Aha, like Cardinal Ravasi, maybe?

So far, Pope Francis has not get joined in the Bowie-mania, except possibly in private. He was last seen plugging launching his new book The Name of God Is Mercy, with the aid of the comedian Roberto Benigni.

"You laughed at Laudato Si', but this is even funnier!"

This isn't good enough, Holy Father! Why aren't you wearing black robes? Why isn't the Vatican flag at half mast? How long must we wait for David Bowie to be canonized?