How to be a good pope 2.0

So it has happened. The previous pope (let's call him Fred the Humble) has finally died, and you have gone through the process involved in choosing a successor.

It was arduous: you were locked in a room with over 100 lunatics (and a few sane people), and told that you could not eat, drink, or go to the lavatory until a victim had been selected. After disposing of the silly candidates, such as Pah-Oh-Lin, the financial wizard who wanted China to run the Vatican, and Raggle-Taggle, the dancer who sang "Imagine" to the conclave before bursting into tears, the choice fell on you.

"Tell me what Eccles says I should do."

What should you do now, apart from prayer? (And don't pray that it was all a bad dream, as it wasn't!) Well, you must start slowly. Start by pretending that St Fred the Humble is already canonized and is looking down on the Church benevolently - which he never did when he was alive. You can do this by saying things like "He has gone back to his Father's House" without mentioning that this is precisely what the Prodigal Son did. This is called the Heretic of Continuity (memo: check spelling).

So far you have support from the most unlikely sources: traditionalists such as Cardinal Sally of Africa, and popesplainers such as little Jane Austen of Oxford. But will they continue to support you?

The man from "Where Pachamama Is" is also backing you so far.

Things you must not do, at least not in the first month:

1. Declare Pope Fred the Humble an anti-pope, and have his corpse taken away in a van (as he did with his predecessor);

2. Sack all the basket cases more controversial appointments, such as Kisso and Ferrero Rocher;

3. Rush into print with lots of new Apostolic Exhortations contradicting everything that was said in the last 12 years.

Long-standing readers of this blog will appreciate this meeting with Bishop Campbell.

No, a little diplomacy is needed. Pope Fred contradicted all his predecessors without admitting that he was doing this, so you can do the same:

1. Say how much you admire Amorous Letitia, but stress the importance of married life and the evils of divorce.

2. Praise Traditionalists Crushed, but point out that in fact it does not mean that there can be any restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. Which brings us onto the next piece of advice.

3. Do nothing about the Bishop of Charlatan in the USA who gets his pastoral ideas from the Gestapo Handbook. You are confident that the outcry over his wackier edicts, e.g.

no suits and ties for men;
no silence before Mass - talking to your neighbours is compulsory;
guitar and tambourine only - no organ; 
no male altar-servers, just girls in mini-skirts; 
women can wear mitres but not mantillas;

will soon convince him to look for a job more suited to his talents, such as prison warder. Either that or he'll back down and claim that it was a "draft".

An alternative to mantillas.

4. Praise Fiddled Supplies, but interpret it carefully to mean that blessing same-sex couples is a no-no. This may upset Fr Martin James LGBTSJ, but he's already sulking at the prospect of no further photo-opportunities with a pope.

5. It would be going too far to praise Pachamama and Rupnik, but make it known that Pope Fred's views are to be respected. Meanwhile, quietly burn all the idols and lock the sex maniac in a dark dungeon with rats.

Don't worry. You probably have plenty of time in which to Make Catholicism Holy Again. I'll be back later with more advice, Holy Father, so watch this space!

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Apologies for writing an entirely serious post this time. I am humbled by the fact that the AI program Grok is better at humour than I am. I asked it to write a prayer for humility in the style of P.G. Wodehouse, and it managed this (click to enlarge it):

How can I possibly compete?

Pope Francis to collaborate with Harry and Meghan

Having sent a nessage to Vax Live, "the concert to reunite the world", chaired by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (hereafter, Harry and Meghan) - who are having enough trouble reuniting their own family - Pope Francis is anxious to exploit his friendship with the future king of the UK and president of the USA (unconfirmed).

Although Pope Francis himself admits that he is "an old man, who does not dance or sing like you", he has also sent along Cardinal "Chito" Tagle, the world's oldest teenager, who has promised to dance, sing, and burst into tears wherever appropriate.

The present and future popes? Cardinal Tagle shows off his dancing skills.

In return, Harry and Meghan have agreed to write some passages for Ecclesia Woka Sit ("Let the Church be woke"), the Pope's next encyclical. They will also persuade some of their friends to contribute: these include Chelsea Clinton (already a participant in an online Vatican conference on health), Greta Thunberg, professor of climatology at the university of Truanzee, Deacon-in-training Joseph Biden of the Devout Catholic Church of Washington, and of course Bill and Melinda Gates from the charitable foundation known as Help the Rich Get Even Richer.

A harmless side-effect of the Gates vaccine - you turn into a geek.

There are many important issues to be addressed in Ecclesia Woka Sit. A change in the liturgy is planned, in which the priest and congregation will "take a knee" at the start of Mass, in honour of Black Lives Matter*; they will also tear down the statues of any saints who may have links with slavery - for example, by having ancestors or descendants who once wore cotton.

*At least they matter unless they are babies. (Thanks, Chelsea!)

After the recent meddling with the Lord's Prayer ("how foolish of Jesus to get it wrong" as a Pope Francis ally explained to us), more changes are planned, introducing themes such as climate change and transgender awareness and removing the embarrassing bits about forgiveness, temptation, and evil.

Oh praise ye the Floyd!

Priests are also being encouraged to display their pronouns - preferably they/them rather than he/him, although she/her will also be accepted - on sign boards, in church newsletters, and in emails, etc. At the start of Mass, they recommend a form of words such as "Hi, guys, gals and people of all other genders and none, I am Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them), and we're going to have a really swell time today!"

Preparations for the new encyclical are said to be going well, although apparently Meghan has already fallen out with her collaborators. Pope Francis has accused her of bullying, and she has accused the entire Ecclesia Woka Sit team of racism. So it's business as usual.

"It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he simply laughed at me."

How to be a good pagan pope

This is of course the latest instalment in our series "How to be a good pope", providing essential advice for anyone expecting to be launched into the Chair of St Peter. (However, be warned, Pope Francis is taking the 93+ years of Leo XIII and Benedict XVI as a challenge, and has lots of exciting plans for making the Catholic Church unrecognizable in the next ten years...)

"Thank you for sending me the idol of Pachamama. I have thrown it into the Tiber."

It's been a frustrating summer, and you haven't been able to hold your usual audiences in front of great crowds, nor to take aeroplane trips (your usual opportunity for inventing new doctrine). True, you had another chat with Scalfari, who at 96 is even older than Benedict and Leo, even if he does make everything up from memory. But it turned out to be a bit of a non-event.

You were so desperate for company that you were reduced to allowing Austen Ivereigh to interview you - somehow he misunderstood your groans of "Let me sleep!" when he phoned you up at 3 a.m., and he is going to call the resulting book "Let us dream!" (Memo: remind Austen to brush up his Italian.) More on that some other time.

No, seriously...

Well, you amused yourself a little by tinkering with the Italian liturgy. The bits quoted from the Bible always looked wrong to you, so you were happy to rewrite them in the way Jesus would have put things if he'd been as wise as you. But this is merely trolling the traditionalists, so you need something bigger to keep yourself in the public eye.

Got it! For the next month we're going to celebrate the Jubilee for the Earth, the Season of Creation. That is, paganism. Here are a couple of wise things you might preach. Don't mention Jesus, sin, redemption, Heaven, Hell, or any of that stuff. It just confuses people.

What's that strange voice I hear?

Listen carefully, folks, that's the voice of creation speaking. Forget all that nonsense about being masters of creation - rewriting Genesis is next on your list - and remember that we are all spiders in a web, not just your friend Tony Spidero.

I got rhythm...

Speak out about the rhythms of creation. You may go down in history as the rhythmical pope, which is better than the web-bound pope. However, be warned: one of your likely successors, Cardinal Taggle-Waggle, is already putting in a claim to be the most rhythmical pope, and his dance moves are better than yours.

"I got rhythm AND I got music."

Anyway, keep muttering about the Rhythms of the Earth, the Jubilee of Creation, the Season of the Voice, the Voice of the Season, the Creation of Rhythm, and the Jubilee of the Season of Creation of the Rhythms of the Voice of the Earth... and that will keep people in a state of confusion until your next encyclical gets written.

The next Pope

The Rome correspondent Edward Pentin has written a book detailing some possible successors of Pope Francis in the Chair of St Peter. Not that Pope F is likely to quit soon, since he still has a huge pile of Dubia to answer - the latest one from Cardinal Zen asks bluntly "Are you mad or bad?" (a difficult question to answer). Also, the Pope's health is excellent - he works out every day in the martial art of Pappaslappa - so it is likely that he will live to be 100.

Rather than go for a "runners and riders" approach, let's detail some of the qualities that the next Pope must have, and see where that takes us.

Getting down wiv da yoof.

The Church needs more young people, and the way to bring them in is to forget dusty old notions such as God, but instead appeal to their interests, namely sex, drugs, dancing and listening to rock music. A Pope who can tell his Elvis Lennon from his John Presley is what we really need!

Someone forceful.

Nobody wants to think that their Holy Father is being manipulated by sinister forces, so is it not better to put the sinister forces in charge? That way we know where we are.

Someone who can make changes.

The German Church, imbued by the Spirit of Vatican III, not to mention Vatican IV, is showing us the way in dogmatic changes, and so a senior German cardinal, filled with the spirit of sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat and bier, would make an excellent leader for the Church as it heads for the cliff edge.

Is it time for a do-nothing Pope?

After all the excitement of Pope Francis's reign, maybe the Church needs a period of consolidation, with a Pope who has nothing to say, and nothing to do. Modern technology means that the next Pope may just be a cardboard cutout, programmed to give the occasional blessing. And who can say no to that?

A financial wizard?

The Vatican finances are rather dodgy at present, so perhaps it is time to forget evangelisation, saving souls, and sound doctrine. Instead we need to concentrate on building up a huge bank balance, and so it is time to appoint someone who knows all about amassing the stuff in sackfuls.

A safe pair of hands.

The Catholic Church should always be looking to the past, and perhaps it is time to elect someone who, although 87 already, can be relied upon to preach all the values of the swinging 60s, when the Church was reborn. It doesn't matter too much if the new Pope is barking mad, provided that he is there as a figurehead reminding us of our glorious past.

AND FINALLY...

Why not elect three Popes at once?

Clap the Church each week!

In these dangerous times everyone wants to thank the front-line troops - bishops, priests and deacons - who are protecting us against Damnation, sometimes at risk to their own souls. So at 8 p.m. every Thursday it has been agreed that we shall Clap the Church (not "give our clergy the clap", which means something else entirely).

A bishop, priest and deacon trying to save a soul.

With its catchy slogan "Save the Church by staying away," the campaign has thrilled the hearts of all our people. The Daily Mail has airlifted an aeroplane full of "PPE Equipment" - cassocks, chasubles, stoles, albs, you name it - from China, so that our "Boys in White" (or whatever liturgical colour it should be right now) can be properly equipped.

Admittedly, clapping is not the only activity that we have seen: some people have gone further, praising bishops with sound of trumpet, praising them with psaltery and harp, praising them with timbrel and choir, praising them with strings and organs, praising them on high sounding cymbals, and even - in extreme cases - praising them on cymbals of joy.

"Unclean! Unclean!" A poor sick man praises the Church with a bell.

It has been claimed that the campaign to "Save the Church by staying away" has been a little too successful: most of the buildings remain empty. The clergy are also often under-employed, and have been seen making TikTok videos in which they dance around the aisles - to the annoyance of many devout worshippers who think they should be at the "coal-face" of soul-saving.

A typical TikTok video.

Still, these are minor considerations, and all citizens are invited to be happy-clappy at 8 p.m. on Thursday. We shall be sending the police out onto the streets to make sure you participate - not-clapping is now a criminal offence, considered to be as serious as sitting on a park bench or sunbathing in a public place! You will obey!

Lockdown Diary, Day 7313

March 31st 2040.

Well, here we are after 20 years of lockdown caused by the Coronavirus, which keeps mutating every so often into something even nastier. The present incarnation is called COVID-39.

The latest form of the Coronavirus.

We are still allowed out to go shopping, and for exercise, but the churches have now been closed for 20 years. It is hard to remember what it was like in the old days, when we went along to St Daryl the Apostate and received Communion on the tongue (to the great annoyance of one or two pearl-clutchers who didn't actually believe in the Real Presence), or, if we wanted, did the Sign of Peace and sang hymns such as Cumberland ("Someone's eating sausages, Lord, Cum-ber-land..."). I may have got the words wrong after all this time.

Nowadays the churches remain closed, and all Masses are live-streamed. Pope Francis II (alias "Chito" Tagle) takes a very relaxed view of these, and priests no longer have to wear vestments. Many of them stay at home and stream the Masses from their bedrooms, without even bothering to choose the liturgically-correct colour for their pyjamas.

Father Brown dresses down for his livestream Mass.

Of course "Chito" takes seriously some aspects of worship, especially liturgical dancing (getting down wiv da yoof, as the 82-year-old teenager puts it) and the faithful are encouraged to skip around their houses during Mass. "Chito" claims to have arthritis and sciatica, so that kneeling is out of the question, but he can still dance the Funky Cardinal.

Late news: a new strain, the Coren virus, is infecting our brothers in the Anglican Church (having flipped between the Anglican Church, the Catholic Church, the Seventh-Day-Adventists, the Baptists, and the Pachamama Church several times during the last 20 years). It is particularly unpleasant.

The Coren virus.

Even later news: Eccles is still waiting for an answer to his "Dubia" - why was he excommunicated from Twitter?

Why Eccles will tell no more jokes

Eccles's new law states that it is impossible to tell any joke without someone being offended.

Take for example the Tommy Cooper joke: "I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'"

With this joke the late Mr Cooper (99 today) has managed to offend Jews and Muslims (mentioning pork), fat people (mentioning "lean") and people with one leg shorter than the other (the other meaning of "lean"). So watch out for Mohammed Ben Fatwa, the overweight Muslim with a limp!

One man's comedy is another man's tragedy.

The same law has applied to me recently, and here are three examples.

Case 1. Someone on Twitter asks what she should do during the present crisis, if it is impossible to get to Confession.

Witty Eccles reply: Stop sinning.

Audience reaction: Let's be more charitable here, please. Accusing S. of being unable to stop sinning is the height of rudeness.

Well, that went down well!

Case 2. We have the usual St Patrick's Day dispute about whether St Patrick was English, Scottish, Welsh, or something else. Someone says that he was Scottish.

Witty Eccles reply: You're thinking of St Andrew.

Audience reaction: (patiently). No, no, he's the Patron Saint of Scotland. If he was Scottish, his brother Peter would also have been Scottish.

St Andrew relaxes after a hard day's apostling.

Case 3. An American priest (who claims to have a sense of "humor", whatever that may be) tells us that he tried to give up chocolates for Lent, and failed.

Witty Eccles reply. "This is the face of true evil."

Audience reaction (and this, if anything, proves that British irony doesn't travel well): I hope you didn’t give up "calling priests evil" or "exaggerating" or "joking not joking" or what New Yorkers called "joking on a square" for Lent.

Pope Francis will not eat his choco-Luther until Lent is over.

O.K. from now on I will stop telling jokes. Here instead is a purely factual piece of spiritual nourishment.

New Catholic helpline.
Worried about / whom to consult.

Climate change - Pope Francis.
Coronavirus - Cardinal Nichols.
Sexual problems - Cardinal Marx.
Sin, redemption, etc. - Er, position still vacant.

To which someone added: Liturgical Dancing / Cardinal Tagle. See? People are starting to appreciate my serious comments.

Pope Francis II?

How to have a good Mass in Time of Plague

Whether or not he is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Plague, in the form of the Coronavirus, is making a severe nuisance of Himself, and it is important to know how we should take precautions against him when attending Mass.

"When's Climate Change turning up?"

Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.

Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!

99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".

Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.

No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead). In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.

"Peace be with you."

Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.

Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.

Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!

Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)

Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

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UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

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Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.

What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!

However...

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."

Pope Francis approves electronic tagging for clergy

As reported by Rorate Caeli, the Vatican is taking steps to keep its cardinals under control; if one of them is absent from Rome he is asked to let the Secretariat know where he is.

Sensors indicate that Cardinal Burke is hiding somewhere round here.

In phase 2, it is planned to extend this to all clergy, with the introduction of electronic tagging using the TAGLE^TM: this is a white collar worn round the neck, and if you see any priests so dressed, you can be sure that they are already under surveillance.

The Vatican's main computer AMORIS (Analytical Machine for Organizing Radically Innovative Services) will process the data transmitted by priests and bishops worldwide, and flag up any signs of "rigid" practice. For example, the tag will be able to detect whether the priest is facing east for an extended period of time, and warn the Pope that an Extraordinary Form Mass may be taking place. In addition, a smoke detector fitted to the tag will record the excessive use of incense.

A rigid priest. No chance of promotion if this gets out!

Priests who wish their masses to find favour with the Pope are recommended to move around a lot, perhaps in some form of liturgical dance, as the tag will detect this and transmit a signal saying "It's OK, this priest is one of us". Also the tag will detect (and approve) the use of hymns with particularly banal rhythms and harmony, especially those containing clapping and words such as "Ch-ch". On the other hand, sounds of Gregorian chant will set off a persistent high-pitched whistling from the tag. You have been warned, Father.

"Nothing can block the signal!" A model shows off the Rosica version.