Almost thou persuadest me to be an Easter Worshipper

As recorded in Acts 11, Saul and Barnabas came to Antioch, and hung around for a year, teaching. And, as Luke records, the disciples were called Easter Worshippers first in Antioch.

Luke omits the details, but it is clear that these Easter Worshippers were devoted to a sacred rabbit, and lived mostly on chocolate eggs. At other times of the year they were known as "Xmas Worshippers", indulging in strange rituals involving shopping, mince pies, and fat men in red coats and white beards sitting in "grottos".

Saul and Barnabas hit on the name "Easter Worshippers".

But Easter Worshippers has been the traditional name, ever since the first century. As Agrippa said to Paul, "Almost thou persuadest me to be an Easter Worshipper". Even St Peter got in on the act, with his "Yet if any man suffer as an Easter Worshipper, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf."

How Leeds City Council celebrated Easter. (H/T C.H.)

The name occurs in many hymns, such as the militant "Onward, Easter Worshipper soldiers," the rather soppy "They'll know we are Easter Worshippers by our love", and the stirring "Easter Worshippers awake, salute the Happy Morn!"

Then again, it has also become a first name (what old fashioned people call an "Easter Worshipper name" as opposed to a "surname"). Hans Easter-Worshipper Andersen, Dr Easter-Worshippeer Barnard, Easter-Worshipper Dior, ...

A male model shows off a shirt by Easter-Worshipper Dior.

So, can we PLEASE stop hearing people whining just because Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and the rest of George Soros's sockpuppets referred to the Christians massacred by Islamists in Sri Lanka as "Easter Worshippers"? That is what they called themselves, and that is what we should call them.

Tim Kaine goes to Confession

This probably breaks several of the rules about the secrecy of the confessional, but we must take the risk. The penitent may have been a different senator, with a different priest, but the story is the same.

Senator Tim Kaine: Father, bless me blah blah blah, I can't be expected to remember the right form of words, can I? I'm a busy man.

Bishop Knestout of Richmond, VA (for it is he): Of course not, your importantship. Still, it's good to see you, and I am honoured to receive your confession in person, especially as I know you are incapable of sin.

When the Confession doesn't have any really meaty bits.

Tim: Yes, I wouldn't have come to Confession unless I knew that someone of the rank of bishop would be available.

Knestout: Now, how can I help you?

Tim: Well it's hard for me to think of any really interesting sins. I did make a rude noise during the State of the Union address. Also, I knocked over an old blind lady who was blocking my way this morning, but that's perfectly normal, isn't it?

Knestout: Totally normal, your wonderfulness.

Tim: Oh, and I chewed gum and spat it out during Mass.

Knestout: You're not being totally honest here, are you?

Tim: True. That was 3 years ago, and I confess it every time. I've not actually been to Mass recently.

Knestout: It seems to me that you're a typical modern Catholic. Keen on same-sex marriage and abortion, I see. Nothing else?

Tim Kaine with an unidentified friend.

Tim: Um, well suppose, hypothetically, that I voted against the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, admitting that I saw no problem at all with the idea that children should be tortured, dismembered, and ripped screaming from the womb, with their corpses thrown into a bin marked "biological waste"?

Knestout: Well, technically, you'd be excommunicated and I should announce it publicly. Meanwhile, you would need to do a penance which involved wearing a sign saying "I'M A SCUMBAG" round your neck for the rest of your life. Still...

Tim: Still?

Knestout: Look, I won't mention it, if you don't. I absolve you from your sins blah blah blah (now you've got me doing it!)

Tim: Thanks, padre. EXIT.

Justice for Jimmy Martin!

This blog has always stood up for the underdog on the fringe of Christianity. For example, a few years ago we ran a JUSTICE FOR ENA! campaign in support of Dame Ena Beastly, the professor of Catholic Orthodoxy and Human Blossoming at the University of Rosebush. Ena had been going through a bad patch, with people cancelling speaking invitations to her. Nobody knows why, unless it is that they were really hoping for a Catholic.

Justice for Ena!

Admittedly, we did not get very far with our justice campaign, and it is reported that Ena is still not a happy bunny. She has discovered that the Catholic Church is colluding with fascism, because the American bishops did not unite to stop Donald Trump - who is LITERALLY HITLER! When there was the wondrous alternative of Hillary Clinton, surely a saintly person if ever there was one! With a husband who knows how to give a girl a good time!

No, the Church is run by Islamophobic, homophobic, Brexiteering, Nazi, Catholics, who have shunned the wise and wonderful Karl Marx - and why hasn't he been canonized yet if Mother Teresa has? - in order to spread lies, hatred, and poison exactly like ATTILA THE HUN. Don't these people realise that it's the 1970s now?

Today's good cause.

But enough of Ena Beastly. Today's good cause is Fr James Martin SJ, known variously as "Fr Jim", "Jimmy", "cuddles" and "Dan Brown" (for his pioneering views on Mary Magdalene). Sunny Jim was due to speak at a gala for the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre, but has now been disinvited.

"What can I do to help?" you are asking yourselves. "The man may be completely obsessed by LGBTSJ issues, he may preach heresy, he may be in totally the wrong job, but... look, he's a friend of Pope Francis (and a special adviser no less)! He knows Spadaro! Rosica! Steve Colbert! He's a multi-millionaire celebrity author, TV personality, and deep thinker! Why, he's the American version of Stephen Fry!"

Many people owe a lot to Fr Jim.

We Christians are called to help the downtrodden, the faint-hearted, the weak, the poor, the helpless, and the oppressed. Luckily, Jimmy doesn't fall into any of these categories, so we can carry on making fun of him as usual. What a relief!

We must apologise because our "Justice for Jimmy!" campaign seems to have gone off the rails. The man running it has been shot, and we are making approaches to "Stonewall" Jackson, the gay rights activist, to see if he will take over.

There must be some mistake here. That's not God's message at all!

Fr James Martin finally "comes out"

It was long suspected from his lifestyle and the way he dresses; it will dismay many of his supporters, who still had confidence in him. However, we must admit that it is becoming increasingly common, among Catholic priests, as well as the laity.

Every year there are numerous marches and political campaigns on this issue, which irritate so many people. Even priests and bishops have been known to take part. But the movement seems to be unstoppable, and Fr James Martin SJ has finally nailed his colours to the mast.

Yes, Father James is pro-life!

Well, we on this blog are very broad minded, and we have come to accept the "love that dare not speak its name" - the preference for happy smiling babies to dismembered corpses. Fr James's own orientation has our full sympathy.

Of course, it was not always entirely clear which way Fr James swung. His preference for Hillary Clinton, the supporter of the Planned Parenthood "get your baby parts here, folks, and help make the lovely Mary Gatter an extremely rich woman" organization, was a little surprising. Still, we must remember that the alternative was Donald Trump, who is of course literally Adolf Hitler!

The flamboyant black and white costume is a bit of a giveaway!

Will other Catholic priests now come out, as Fr James has done? In the Vatican, there is said to be a large "pro-life" Mafia, although it is hard to see exactly where Pope Francis lies, following his suspiciously close relationship with Emma Bonino.

Well, our apologies for yet another post on the weird and wonderful James Martin SJ, theologian extraordinary, member of the friends of Canaanite women, builder of bridges, etc. But this bombshell could hardly be kept secret, and since "coming out" Fr James has been overwhelmed both by messages of support and by hateful misopedic abuse.

Still... as for his theology...

Fake News from Rome

During the American presidential election, and since, various organizations such as CNN and the New York Times were revealed to be issuing fake news, mostly slanted towards the Democrats. Headlines such as HILLARY CURES BLIND BEGGAR and TRUMP KILLS TWENTY IN CHAINSAW MASSACRE were produced in order to sway public opinion.

"And then Pope Francis said, 'Dubia? Shmubia!'"

What is not generally known is that the Catholic press (such as Crux, EWTN, even the Catholic Herald) is guilty of similar "fake news" designed to show Pope Francis in a bad light. After all, we rely on these publications for most of our news.

Fake news: The Pope holds two Synods on the Family designed to decide whether Catholic teaching has "developed". Cardinal Baldisseri steals copies of the "Five cardinals" book that are being sent out to participants. After the Synod - or, in fact mostly before it - the Pope's ghostwriters produce a muddled document called Amoris Laetitia ("The Joy of Sex"), which is deliberately ambiguous and bears little relationship to what the Synod has decided.

True news: Cardinal Kasper goes to the Pope and says "Let's have a Synod to celebrate the joy of Christian marriage, as preached by the Church for the last 2000 years." This is arranged, and Cardinal Baldisseri hands out complimentary copies of the New Testament and Familiaris consortio to all participants. Later, the Pope himself writes a short statement in clear unambiguous language, called Nihil Mutat or "Nothing changes".

♫ "Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage." ♫

Fake news: Four cardinals, of which the most eminent is Raymond Burke, issue five "dubia" to try and ensure that interpretations of Amoris Laetitia do not contradict standard Catholic doctrine. The pope ignores them. In order to get his own back, he appoints a group of ridiculous but sycophantic idiots as cardinals. It would be rude and offensive to mention names, but, you know, C*p*ch and F*rr*ll... Meanwhile, some rogue bishops from Malta decide that, after all, Christ was talking through His crown, and they threaten any of their clergy who disagree.

True news: Some highly-regarded cardinals compliment Pope Francis on his wise teaching. He humbly brushes off this praise saying, "Oh, I'm just repeating what my predecessors said!" He also appoints some faithful bishops as cardinals, including Charles Chaput, Philip Egan and Salvatore Cordileone. Some Maltese bishops ask the Pope whether Church teaching could ever be watered down, and are promptly excommunicated.

Bishop Grech takes up a new career directing traffic.

Fake News: The Pope decides to harass the Order of Malta: he appoints a committee to `investigate' it, which suspiciously produces a massive report within three days. This justifies the Pope in taking over the sovereign state, in clear violation of international law. He humiliates its Head of State, Fra' Matthew Festing, and appoints a puppet government, led by Fra' Pétain. To rub salt into the wound he illegally declares that all actions taken by Grand Master Festing and the Sovereign Council after December 6, 2016 are null and void, backdating his piracy by nearly two months.

True News: The Pope recognises the huge contribution afforded by the Order of Malta, which is in fact far better run than the Vatican. He leaves it in peace.

The new Vatican flag.

Fake News: Following a lot of whingeing by Jesuits, the Tablet and other organizations on the fringe of Catholicism, the Pope asks Arthur Roche to revise his translation of the Latin Mass, dumbing it down into a looser version that can more easily be perverted.

True News: The Pope compliments Arthur Roche on the faithfulness of his Mass translation, closes down the Jesuits ("they no longer serve any useful purpose") and requests that the Tablet remove all references to Catholicism from its pages.

Indeed, the true news is far more plausible.

Everyone who disagrees with me is Satan

When you're debating religious or political issues, I find that insulting your opponent is the best way to win the argument. For example, the people who imposed same-sex "marriage" on us - something that ten years earlier everyone had recognised as absurd - managed to get their way by means of the powerful slogan "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!"

A happy couple (now long-since forgotten).

On Twitter it is well-known that everyone you disagree with is literally Hitler. There are lots of 127-year-old Germans with silly moustaches sitting around in sheds, shouting hateful Nazi slogans such as "We don't think much of the EU" and "Er, perhaps Donald Trump is a better bet than Hillary Clinton."

Is this literally YOU?

Curiously, this is mainly a left-wing thing, and you don't see conservatives labelling people as Stalin or Mao - probably because for so many lefties, these mass-murderers are still regarded as heroes. So the insult becomes a compliment.

"And this attachment is for hitting cardinals with."

So we come to Satan, himself. I must plead guilty on this score, since I have long referred to Mrs Clinton as Hell Cat, and regarded her as a tool of the Devil. This is mainly because I don't share her enthusiasm for dismembering live babies and selling the remains off commercially (this is what is technically known as "planned parenthood").

Still, there are apparently worse things that one can do. Pope Francis himself picked out what he considered one of the great evils of the world when he described parish secretaries as like "disciples of Satan" - we never got to the bottom of this little rant, but one theory is that he had decided to make one of his spontaneous 3 a.m. phone calls to a random victim, but had been told to get off the line, have a cup of cocoa, and go to sleep. EXACTLY what Satan would say.

"Oh Lord, I hope that's not the pope again.

And now he's at it again. Pope Francis told the Curia that resistance to reforms is inspired by the Devil. Since these reforms apparently include modernisation and gradualism (discernment), we have a problem here, as these are the sort of thing that previous popes were very much against. Odd, that.

Unfortunately, the Holy Father has now run out of superlatives. All I know is, I'm glad I don't work for the Roman Curia. Two years ago it was a listing of their "spiritual diseases" and now they're being told that they're ALL LITERALLY SATAN. Call this job satisfaction?

Our religious experts comment on Trump's victory

Pope Francis.

My children, you know that I never make judgements on people, I'm just not that sort of person. So, although Donald Trump is a dangerous man who will destroy the world, I would never dream of saying so. The man wants to build walls, and there is nothing worse than walls...

... except Latin Masses of course. What is it about people who still yearn for the pre-conciliar liturgy? They are RIGID, RIGID, RIGID. Don't they know that the Catholic Church was founded in the 1960s, and not back in ancient times? These people make me sick. They probably even have walls in their houses.

Bastards, the lot of them. They don't know how to show love. Why can't they follow my example, instead of acting like a lot of insecure hate-filled wall-worshipping neo-Pelagians?

Donald Trump - a dangerous man, although I'd never dream of saying so.

---

Fr James Martin SJ.

Lord have Mercy! Christ have Mercy! Lord have Mercy! The Spirit of Vatican II have Mercy!

These words from the Jesuit liturgy summarise how I feel today. The election of Hillary Clinton would have led to advances in all the areas that we Catholics see as important: LBGTSJ rights, the ordination of women... and more consideration for the really wretched and despised members of the population - Jesuits. After all Vice-President Kaine was brought up by our lot.

Did you see today's Gospel? In it Jesus gets REALLY CROSS about the election of Herod, a powerful man with strange hair. He speaks out, saying "If only we could have elected a thieving woman with a sex-maniac husband, then the Kingdom of God would be with us already."

Er, don't worry if your Bible says something different. This is perfectly normal.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go and have a good cry.

All dressed up for a celebration party and nowhere to go!

---

Professor Tina Beattie.

Woe, woe and thrice woe! God the Mother, forgive them for they know not what they do! America is doomed!

It's clear that the American people rejected Hillary because she was a woman. All my friends at ACTA agree with me.

Look, her policies were soundly built on the principle of human flourishing. Her main aim in life was to get incredibly rich, and if that isn't flourishing, then what is? She was a great advocate of women's abortion rights - and although I wouldn't go quite as far as her policy of killing all children under the age of two, you must admit that there is a Biblical precedent!

But, most important of all, Hillary has two X chromosomes, and that means she has a BETTER BRAIN than any of those sexist male people. All right, OFFICIALLY she is not a Catholic, but can you tell the difference? I can't.

America, I weep for you. Father Jim, can I borrow one of your hankies? The pink one with flowers on will do nicely...

A few unhappy faces in Tina's support group.

Hillary demands back her soul

Following her unsuccessful campaign to be the first woman president of the United States of America, Hillary Clinton has sent a stern e-mail to the demon Mephistopheles demanding the return of her soul.

A young Hillary negotiates a deal for her soul.

The arrangements promised by the demon included the presidency for her husband (delivered), all the women he wants for her husband (delivered, although some of the women weren't too keen), vast quantities of money to be spent on anything she chose (delivered, via the Clinton Foundation), and finally the presidency for herself (not delivered).

"I did not have sexual relations with those 500 women."

Many people had suspected that Hillary's soul was no longer her own, having seen her fanatical hatred for unborn children - and her support of the Plant Parenthood "Buy your loved one some baby parts for Christmas" organization - the disgusting "Spirit Cooking" habits of her friends (unmentionable in a blog like this, which is read by innocent children and priests), and her general dishonesty.

That embarrassing moment when your dinner guests insist on discussing politics.

So what went wrong? Well, there came into the world a modest, virtuous, chaste, and holy being called St Donald of Trump, who fought the evil dragon Hillary and captured the presidency from her. He thus made America great again, and brought the dawn of a new era of prosperity and world peace, and an end to famine and disease. (I've copied this from a press release, but I am sure that St Donald is being scrupulously honest here).

However, demons are completely unreliable, and should not be trusted, and so it is unlikely that poor Hillary will get a refund.

St Donald of Trump slays the dragon.

As a side-effect, we learn that Fr James Martin SJ has finally "got religion" - at least his reaction to the events was to say "Lord, have mercy!"

Don't mention your faith!

Following Pope Francis's advice to a girl that she should avoid convincing people of her faith, the Holy Father has asked me to clarify this instruction.

Pope Francis himself has of course given strong leadership in this direction, by showing himself to be much happier in the company of Lutherans and Anglicans than with ordinary Catholics. Indeed, it seems that for some people the question "Is the Pope Catholic?" is no longer rhetorical. This is what we call ecumenism, and goes well with the Biblical instruction "Seek ye out a bushel, that ye may hide your light under it" (The Sermon in a cave under the Mount, Matthew 5, etc.)

"They say she's the anti-Christ, but, hey! That's just fine by me!"

Well, you see the problem above. If you tell people that you're a Catholic Cardinal - as so many of my readers are - then they're going to think that you're interested in God. And that will OFFEND people. It is a very grave sin to challenge other people's beliefs. Ask Pope Francis!

So the answer is to hide your light under a bushel. Pretend you're a Jesuit - nobody thinks of them as religious - or, in any case, keep quiet about your religious beliefs.

"You will forget that you were ever a Catholic..."

Of course the way of the truly ecumenical is not easy. When we come to celebrate the Reformation, you must forget everything you read about Thomas More, John Fisher, and other trouble-makers. Instead, wear a seraphic smile on your face, and say "We can all learn from other people's beliefs, man, but they mustn't learn from mine."

Cardinal Ravasi leads the way in touchy-feelie hippyism. The answer is 42, by the way.

So, avoid people who preach controversial doctrines, such as Heaven, Hell, judgement, sin, and redemption. That dreadful man Cardinal Sarah, for example - he actually talks as if he believes in something! Far better to have a Kewpich-doll as as your spiritual adviser - there's no danger of any dogmatic teaching creeping in and causing upsets!

Cardinal Blase Kewpie.

How we know we are living in the End Times

From the 3rd Letter of St Paul to the Jesuits.

1. Now, brothers, many of ye have asked me, "How shall we know that the Day of the Lord is nigh?"

2. Ye shall know that ye live in the End Times by means of various signs.

3. For lo! The world shall become very silly, and by this ye shall know that your time is nearly up.

4. First, clowns shall stalk the land, spreading terror to all who see them.

Pope Francis receiveth his new cardinals.

5. Then in England, a land flowing with Marmite, shall men complain that this wondrous foodstuff is no more.

6. The great wells of Marmite shall dry up, and the pipeline that bringeth Marmite from the distant East shall run dry.

7. Even the mighty jars of Dawkins, that once ran with milk, honey, and Marmite, shall be empty. And the professors of Oxford shall starve.

And men shall say that Bin Laden hath won.

8. And there shall be other signs of silliness.

9. For a singer of popular ballads shall win a mighty prize for literature.

10. Thus shall he spoken of as the equal of Kipling, Yeats, Mann, Eliot, and Camus.

And Dylan shall ask "How many roads must a man walk down?"

11. Finally, and silliest of all, the sound of the Trump and the sound of the Clinton shall be heard in the land of America.

12. For the people shall be asked to choose between a complete slob and a woman of infinite evil.

No, this is beyond a joke.

13. And at that point the LORD shall say, "Enough! This is too silly!" and the world shall end.

How to be a devoid Catholic

The story so far: you are Citizen Kane, who was brought up by Jesuits and thus never had the benefit of any moral guidance. Nonetheless, when they kicked you out into the big world, they slapped a label on your forehead saying "Catholic", and you find it useful to describe yourself as a "devoid Catholic", saying "devoid" quickly so that it sounds like "devout".

"Let us pray. Only joking, folks, ha ha ha!"

Imagine your joy when Hillary Klingon - a woman known to be suffering from a thousand illnesses - asks you to be her running-mate as she stands as the Demonic candidate for President of the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave! There's just one condition necessary: you must sell your soul to the Devil.

"Whatever you say, Hillary."

Being Jesuit-educated, you didn't even know you had a soul, but it turns out that you do. Now, what are good causes for a devoid Catholic to support? Catholics for Slavery? Catholics for Torture? Catholics for Rape? Excellent... but Catholics for Choice is even better! Ripping babies to pieces in the womb... um, sounds a bit grim, doesn't it, but Hillary's all for it, so you must be too!

By all means describe yourself as "personally" a decent human being who only wants love, peace, mercy and fluffy kittens. Provided that "politically" you go for violence, cruelty, bullying and squashed fluffy kittens, like Auntie Hillary and Uncle Bill do.

"I don't like the sound of this Klingon woman."

Oh, but there's one problem. The LOTFATHOTB is full of Catholic bishops. People such as the mighty Dolan, Wuerl, and Cupich. Stout defenders of the faith. Single-minded champions of the weak. Moral giants. These people aren't going to stand any nonsense from people in public life who claim to be Catholics and then spit on the Church's teaching. You'll be excommunicated in no time.

Only joking, Tim! First they didn't come for Ted Kennedy, then they didn't come for Joe Biden, then they didn't come for Nancy Pelosi.... You're perfectly safe. Moreover, if Hillary gets in, then in six months time she'll be carted off to the funny farm, and we'll see President Kane!

Peter's Pence or the Mark of Kaine?

Many of my American readers have asked me, "Eccles, how would a saved person vote in the forthcoming American presidential election?" Apparently, the democratic process has produced a choice between a Republican regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as a completely mad egomaniac, and a Democrat regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as evil incarnate, whose actions and beliefs would even embarrass Lucifer. So you lose either way.

Two political leaders discuss foreign affairs.

Well, good luck, Americans, in finding someone to vote for. I suggest a write-in vote for the world's greatest American, Cardinal Dolan Burke.

So let's assume that Trump chokes on his wig, or that Hillary is escorted down to Hell by a demon. Time for the vice-president to take over! And now nothing can go wrong, as both Mike Pence and Tim Kaine are Catholics. Sort of...

Mike Pence is a born-again evangelical Catholic. Now don't worry if you don't know what these are, as Uncle Mike doesn't really know either. As far as we can ascertain they are Anglo-Lutheran Catholics with a dash of Aztec. It was so much simpler when Mr Pence was a simple (Roman) Catholic. At least he seems to be against abortion and same-sex "marriage", almost as if he were a member of a Church for grown-ups.

Actually, I think these are the Westboro Baptists. Sorry.

Which brings us to Tim Kaine. A "Catholic" educated by Jesuits; so obviously the usual suspects - James Martin SJ and Thomas Reese SJ - are delighted. He's Catholic, but not TOO Catholic, right? He reckons Jesus got it wrong on same-sex marriage. He is backed by Planned Parenthood, the place you go to whenever you need a freshly-killed baby. There's no danger that anyone is ever going to persecute him for his beliefs!

Probably a forgery.

In Memoriam: Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett (or at least the actor Frank Kelly, who portrayed him) has died, and tributes are already flooding in.

So, farewell then...

Cardinal Ravasi, President of the Pontifical Council for Culture

When that good Catholic David Bowie passed away, I tweeted "Ground Control to Major Tom, Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition, and may God's love be with you." Now that an even more distinguished Catholic has gone to meet his Maker, all that the Pontifical Council for Culture has to say is "Feck! Girls! Arse! Drink!"

Fr Tony Flannery, Redemptorist Extraordinaire

Many people have said that I bear a slight resemblance to Fr Jack Hackett, and certainly we share similar religious opinions, namely, "Feck Off, Pope!" Today has been a strange day, as people have come up to me and said "We thought you were dead, Father." I am happy to say that I am still alive and I WILL NOT BE SILENCED. But I miss Fr Jack's support for my annoy-the-Vatican campaign.

Stephen Fry, luvvie-in-chief.

Bottoms. bottoms. bottoms! I've always had a great appreciation for bottoms, and so, I would say, has Fr Jack, to judge from his regular cries of "Arse!" Of course he was a Catholic, so as far as I am concerned he could feck off.

You don't like my comments? Well feck you! I'm not commenting on this blog ever again, and I'm going to leave this planet. Uranus looks nice.

Donald Trump, future President of the USA, possibly.

I would like to pay tribute to one of my closest friends, Father Jock Hoggett. At present I am too busy campaigning in order to make America great again, as otherwise I would be rushing over to Iceland to attend his funeral!

Diarmuid Martin, Archbishop of Dublin.

There was a time when Fr Jack Hackett and I were in strong contention for the job of Archbishop of Dublin. I won the contest by a whisker, and I think it is fair to say that my strong spiritual leadership has given Irish Catholicism the moral high ground and influence that it possesses this day. Fr Jack would have been unable to show the courage and decisiveness for which I am known. Maybe.

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

In my days at Telegraph blogs we had a little fun at the expense of Fr Jack. In reality he was a sober, polite and learned man, but we created for him the persona of a lecherous, foul-mouthed, drunk: many people were fooled by it. As a result the Irish Magic Circle of bishops was thwarted in its attempts to install Fr Jack as Archbishop of Dublin.

The true Fr Jack: author of a ground-breaking monograph on John Henry Newman.

Catholic Church changes teaching on abortion

Taking advice from Mrs Hillary Clinton, widely tipped to be the next president of the United States, the Catholic Church has decided to change its teaching on abortion. Following her comment that "deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed" so that killing off children is made easier, there has been a unanimous response of "Oh gosh, we never thought of that" from the Church.

Hillary and friends enjoy a webcam set up in Bill Clinton's office.

Mrs Clinton has angrily insisted that for many years she has been negotiating with Pope Francis and his predecessors by e-mail, explaining to them how they have totally misunderstood Catholic teaching, but unfortunately all the correspondence was accidentally deleted. You know how these things happen.

"I'll think about it" promises Pope John-Paul II.

Meanwhile, on these shores Mr Edward Miliband, a well-known atheist and politician, has declared that he wants to meet Pope Francis. Having been leader of the opposition for nearly five years, he has not previously shown the slightest interest in hopping on a plane to Rome (or even hanging around when Pope Benedict XVI visited), but the approaching election has concentrated his mind wonderfully, and he realises that he urgently has to challenge David Cameron for the votes of any so far undecided but gullible Christians.

All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!

Coincidentally, the Pope has expressed a long-standing wish to meet Ed Miliband, in order to decide whether he is real. "Some people find the Christian faith difficult to accept," he said, "but believing that Ed Miliband is a real person is far more of a challenge."