NO 4: the Sign of Peace

We're continuing with our guide to some of the more unusual things you may expect to see in a Novus Ordo Mass, and today we have something very ecumenical, as it occurs in many Church of England services too.

Surrounded by 8 neighbours - but which do I greet first?

Our hearts sink as we reach the point where the priest tells us to offer each other the sign of peace. The first step is to decide on the order in which we are going to harass our neighbours - during the sermon is usually a good time to make a little diagram like the one above, and prepare a batting order. Probably you should start with the lady on your left, but don't hug her too hard or she'll call you names. Then the seedy-looking chap on your right.

The nature of the physical contact allowed will depend on the church, but KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON. If you're wearing any, of course.

Be warned that the man behind you will probably thump you if you leave him too late. I'd avoid the chap with the big teeth altogether, personally.

A typical kiss of peace.

Appropriate forms of greeting:

Peace be with you!
Pax tecum!
Peace!

Pax, Man! - an acceptable greeting in some churches.

Inappropriate forms of greeting:

Peace off!
If you wish pacific communication with me, kindly arrange it 
through my solicitor. After you've cut down that tree which is
blocking my light.
Hello, cheeky!

In most churches use a simple "Peace be with you, peace be with you, peace be with you, I've done you already, haven't I?" and, for those who are too far away to reach, a "Mwah!" or a sheepish grin will do.

A pious Catholic demonstrates the Vatican-II recommended "grin of peace".

Carry on Blogging

I'm scraping the barrel this week

by Damian Thompson

Where does Rowan Williams stand on gay marriage? He keeps giving out contradictory signals. Last week I went round to Lambeth Palace and asked him straight out "Are you in favour of gay marriage?" and he replied "That's sweet of you, Damian, but we can only ever be good friends." This is not the sort of moral leadership we expect.

It's in contrast with the Catholic Church. When I asked the Pope the same question, he threw a bucket of holy water over me and kicked me out of the Vatican. No messing about there!

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Paxman, not afraid to ask difficult questions

As Chloe Smith discovered this week, Jeremy Paxman is something of a blood-crazed ferret, and does not hesitate to ask badly-briefed girls difficult questions about government policy, such as "Do you ever think you are incompetent?" Of course he would never ask such a question of someone really useless who might fight back, such as a Prescott or an Osborne.

I met him recently in the showers at my health club, and asked him "Do you have the balls to take on a real heavyweight?" He hastily covered himself with a towel and ran away, but not before I had seen more than I wanted to.

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Vicar! Put thy clothes back on, we implore thee!

My colleague Tom Chivers has written a blog posting mocking the use of the words "Yes" and "No." These are the sort of words one associates with Jane Austen, and he is right to point out that in contemporary usage the forms "Yeah" and "Nah" are considered to be more correct. The sort of person who would say "Yes" is almost certainly an atheist or, worse, a Protestant.

I phoned up Rowan Williams and asked him "You would never say 'No,' would you?" and he replied "Damian, I told you, we can only be good friends." Sometimes his pronouncements are a little hard to understand.