Allah! Allah!

The Eccles Broadcasting Corporation (EBC) is pleased to announce a re-make of the the BBC television comedy series 'Allo 'Allo. Set in the year 2045, when the Muslims have taken control of France, the show Allah! Allah! tells the story of René Al-tois, the proprietor of a halal café, the Allahu Hack Bar.

René Al-tois.

Although ostensibly on good terms with the Muslim invaders - notably the witless Colonel Salem and Lieutenant Grubaiyat - René is secretly working for the Catholic Resistance. His wife Eid-ith sings Paul Inwood songs in the café; however, nobody recognises them as Catholic music and so she escapes censure. Indeed, she is complimented on the improvement she achieves by her tuneless singing.

The two sexy waitresses in René's café.

The story contains various sub-plots, to do with hiding two prominent British Catholics with posh voices, Patten and Stourton (luckily, nobody seriously believes that they are Catholics); another plot device is the question of the whereabouts of the famous painting The Fallen Monsignor with the big bores, by Christian Van Adams.

The Fallen Monsignor.

Finally, we should mention Mullah Flick of the elite iSiS squad, corrupt and incompetent. In the days when President Hollande was in charge of France, it was usual for Islamic attackers to plead insanity, but here we have one who is genuinely un gâteau aux fruits.

Allah! Allah! will be broadcast in the autumn.

Are you a top Catholic?

As described slightly inaccurately here, 100 rich and famous people in San Francisco have written an open letter to the Pope demanding the removal of Archbishop Cordileone because of his insistence on Catholic values. The comedy PR man, Sam Singer, has been hired to help, and he has made the very important point that these are "top Catholics", not just any old people. Which raises the question: what is a top Catholic?

This is what a top Catholic looks like.

Unfortunately, I have not heard of most of the top Catholics in San Francisco, although they do include Charles Geschke, the president of Adobe Systems. He's the one who sends alerts to my computer every two or three days announcing a new version of Flash Player. Being gullible, I download them, but they never work properly.

However, there are top Catholics everywhere, and we can only gaze at them in wonder. When the "kiss of peace" comes in church, you are not allowed to shake hands with them, but there will usually be an aide available to represent them.

Remember that Jesus said "You cannot serve God and Mammon, so choose one of them. I really don't care which!" To be a top Catholic, you really need to be rich and powerful, so make sure you choose Mammon!

Happy 92nd to Mother Angelica, a highly revered Franciscan nun. Not "top" though.

Who are the two people mentioned in the Nicene Creed, apart from Our Lord? Well, Mary, of course, but the other is Pontius Pilate, the man who liked washing his hands. Pretty "top" I'd say, and without too many religious convictions to get in the way. Unlike Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea who started off "top" but went downhill once they started to take religion seriously.

Chris Patten, named by the Tablet* as one of the most influential UK Catholics.

*Of which he happens to be a Trustee. That proves he is a top Catholic.

Well, you get the point. When the Day of Judgement comes and Christ has to choose between sheep and goats, what will He do? Will He take aside the president of Adobe and say ironically, "You know, your program still doesn't work properly, but you're a top Catholic so come and sit and my right hand," or will he settle for a humble nun who spent her time doing good deeds and saying the Rosary? I've no idea.

The Pope is honoured to meet a top Catholic with no particular religious views.

One last point. It is the season for letter-writing, and now Cardinal Nichols is getting very worried that people may write to the Pope complaining that he is too strict about upholding Catholic teaching. May I implore readers NOT to do this? Thanks.

The Pope's next ten tips for a happy life

Following on from Pope Francis's Desiderata, or Ten Tips to Bring Joy into one's Life, of which a more detailed version can be found here, we are able to reveal the next ten tips, which didn't quite make the cut.

A happy pope.

11. Buy yourself a white suit. It makes you look smart, and is not as gaudy as some of those red clothes your friends tend to wear. At all costs avoid hats emblazoned with rainbow stripes, pictures of Pinocchio, or advertising slogans.

12. Watch lots of football (soccer). Of course this won't always bring happiness, as your team may occasionally lose the World Cup final to a bunch of stupid Germans. However, remember Acts 7:49: Heaven is my throne, and earth is my football. Not footstool - whoever heard of a round footstool?

13. Don't give interviews to journalists. I did, but I think I got away with it. But it's risky, as they make things up, and misunderstand things; generally, they don't report what you said, or what you think you said, or even what you think you meant to say, let alone what you think you wished you'd thought you meant to say.

An ace reporter, looking suspiciously like Dr William Oddie, gets a scoop.

14. Eat healthily. Drop into the canteen for pasta and fish occasionally! Don't sit alone in your palace eating yet another of Cardinal Dolan's suet puddings with extra lard.

15. Ride on buses. You may be tempted to take your private helicopter or your own "mobile" just to go downtown for a bag of sugar, but trust me, the bus is perfectly comfortable, and you won't have parking problems.

16. Listen to Beethoven. We like Beethoven. I tried Madonna on the recommendation of my friend Cormac, but she turns out not be as religious as I was led to believe. My friend Benedict prefers Mozart, which is also good.

Madonna and Lourdes (?!)

17. Release a dove from your window every so often. It's amazing how peaceful it makes you feel. Throwing hedgehogs out of the window at passers-by, as my friend Hans Küng recommends, really doesn't have the same effect.

18. Learn to dance the tango. It keeps you physically fit, and is a great way to praise You-Know-Who. It can be done at any time, even during Mass.

19. Make friends with the despised and the rejected. I was really thinking of Chris Patten here, but there are plenty of other failed politicians around who might be in need of a job, if you find something for them to do. Cleaning out the stables, that sort of thing.

The despised and rejected.

20. Chill out! Relax! Be happy!

The Tablet Hallowe'en Party

October 31st was a big day for the Tablet, a teenage comic that unconvincingly claims to be "Catholic". First, there was the annual Tablet lecture, given by its Rome correspondent Robert Mickens, on the subject "We hates all popes, especially Benedict".

We hope to report more fully on the talk later, but so far we simply have a few soundbites, in which Mickens gives an in-depth analysis of previous popes, such as "John-Paul I - what silly glasses he wore!", "John-Paul II - couldn't even think of an original name!" and "Pope Benedict ate my hamster."

A Tablet CD.

Mickens did however look to the future as well, with "Now, Francis - here are your orders. Listen very carefully - I shall say this only seventy times."

After the lecture, it was time for the Tablet Hallowe'en Party - an event billed as "Come as you are!"

Tina Beattie enjoys an evening of "human flourishing".

All the great and good were there, sharing the true Vatican II Spirit which has made the Catholic church such a happy united institution, where Christian doctrine remains unchallenged, and the secular liberalism of the modern world is put in its place (Catherine Pepinster's office).

Chris Patten takes "come as you are" a little too literally.

Of course, some of the Tablet trustees did decide to dress up a little, but it was not always possible to identify them.

Eamon Duffy recreates the Spirit of Vatican II.

All-in-all, a good time was had by everyone, and at the end it was agreed to "trick or treat" some prominent Catholic priests in the neighbourhood - unless they agreed to revive the Tablet by placing copies in their churches, it would be custard-pie-in-the-face time. (The Anglicans have a similar tradition, known as "vicars and tarts".)

"Suddenly, a custard pie in the face doesn't seem like a bad alternative."

NO 4: the Sign of Peace

We're continuing with our guide to some of the more unusual things you may expect to see in a Novus Ordo Mass, and today we have something very ecumenical, as it occurs in many Church of England services too.

Surrounded by 8 neighbours - but which do I greet first?

Our hearts sink as we reach the point where the priest tells us to offer each other the sign of peace. The first step is to decide on the order in which we are going to harass our neighbours - during the sermon is usually a good time to make a little diagram like the one above, and prepare a batting order. Probably you should start with the lady on your left, but don't hug her too hard or she'll call you names. Then the seedy-looking chap on your right.

The nature of the physical contact allowed will depend on the church, but KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON. If you're wearing any, of course.

Be warned that the man behind you will probably thump you if you leave him too late. I'd avoid the chap with the big teeth altogether, personally.

A typical kiss of peace.

Appropriate forms of greeting:

Peace be with you!
Pax tecum!
Peace!

Pax, Man! - an acceptable greeting in some churches.

Inappropriate forms of greeting:

Peace off!
If you wish pacific communication with me, kindly arrange it 
through my solicitor. After you've cut down that tree which is
blocking my light.
Hello, cheeky!

In most churches use a simple "Peace be with you, peace be with you, peace be with you, I've done you already, haven't I?" and, for those who are too far away to reach, a "Mwah!" or a sheepish grin will do.

A pious Catholic demonstrates the Vatican-II recommended "grin of peace".