The sin against synodality

Most readers are aware of the seven deadly sins - pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth - and some readers may even have committed some of them. Mea culpa - I am particularly guily of sloth, and have even tried to encourage others to commit that sin (if they can be bothered!)

A typical "sloth pride" march - nobody turned up.

But now Pope Francis has come up with a list of new sins, and the synodal participants will request forgiveness "in the name of all the baptized" for a rather confused list of things he doesn't like.

The most important of these sins is of course the "sin against synodality". So I went to my priest and made the following confession.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have not practised kenotic decentering, nor have I enlarged the space of my tent.

Pope Francis and Cardinal Cupich enlarge the space of their tent.

Worse, I do not breathe synodality into every component of academic theology, and I do not embrace the principle of circularity that animates the whole synodal process."

My priest interrupted. "Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church? Are you an athlete and standard-bearer of synodality?"

I blushed, and continued:

"Er, synodality is essentially missionary, and, vice-versa, mission is always synodal. So I try to respect the protagonism of the Spirit as a new way of being Church."

But he was not fooled. The penance he gave me was a real killer: "GO AWAY AND SPEND THREE WEEKS SITTING AT A ROUND TABLE WITH AUSTEN IVEREIGH."

Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!

Hieronymus Bosch's depiction of souls in torment.

World Cup of Synod Horrors - nominations please!

In memory of the recently deceased Synod O'Contrick, one of the great enemies of the Catholic Church, we are now going to run a World Cup of Synod Horrors.

The official list of the great and good is now posted, so we can see who will be redesigning Catholic teaching for us.

So at last we have a world cup in which both Cardinals Cupich and Roche (from last year's World Cup of Bad Cardinals) and James Martin and Austen Ivereigh (from the 2019 World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists) can meet on equal terms. Plus a few others who are ready to walk with them and tell the Holy Spirit what He has decided (is this the right language?)

My list so far is the following. Are there any others on the official list who should be added before we do another Twitter X-rated poll?

Abp Charles Scicluna
Abp Víctor Fernández
Bp Georg Bätzing
Cdl Arthur Roche
Cdl Blase Cupich
Cdl Christoph Schönborn
Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich
Cdl Joe Tobin
Cdl Jozef De Kesel
Cdl Kevin Farrell
Cdl Luis Tagle
Cdl Mario Grech
Cdl Michael Czerny
Cdl Pietro Parolin
Cdl Robert McElroy
Cdl Seán O'Malley
Cdl Timothy Dolan
Cdl Wilton Gregory
Dr Austen Ivereigh
Fr Antonio Spadaro
Fr James Martin
Fr Timothy Radcliffe
Sr Nathalie Becquart

We will exclude Pope Francis.

Synod and Synodality, by Jane Austen Ivereigh

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good job in Rome, must be in want of a synod.

You thought I made up the title, didn't you?

"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Vatican Towers is let at last?"

Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.

"Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife, impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

"It is the patron of our foolish cousin, the Reverend Cupich. It is the famous Lord Francis de Bourgholio! What a fine thing for our girls!"

"How so? How can it affect them?"

"My dear Mr. Bennet," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome? You must know that I am thinking of his inviting one of them to a synod.”

Mr Bennet returned to his newspaper.

"I see here that Bishop Pell has died," he said, "shortly after writing an article denouncing synods. He was not impressed by the new 'Enlarge the space of your tent' philosophy."

Lord Francis de Bourgholio and Mr Cupich prepare to enlarge their tent.

Turning to his favourite daughter, Mr Bennet continued, "“An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not attend a synod, and I will never see you again if you do."

The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were particularly anxious to attend Lord Francis's synod: their minds were more vacant than their sisters', and when nothing better was offered, a camping trip was certain to amuse them.

After listening to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Bennet coolly observed:

"From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, you must be two of the silliest girls in the country. I have suspected it some time, but I am now convinced."

To synod, or not to synod?

His daughter Elizabeth frowned.

"Lizzy, you look as if you did not enjoy seeing the folly of your sisters. For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?"

Will Catherine and Lydia attend the Synod? Why is Major Hollerich so interested in camping? What plans does the wicked Captain Roche have?

Not to be continued. I hope.

Catholics keep out!

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."

Clap the Church each week!

In these dangerous times everyone wants to thank the front-line troops - bishops, priests and deacons - who are protecting us against Damnation, sometimes at risk to their own souls. So at 8 p.m. every Thursday it has been agreed that we shall Clap the Church (not "give our clergy the clap", which means something else entirely).

A bishop, priest and deacon trying to save a soul.

With its catchy slogan "Save the Church by staying away," the campaign has thrilled the hearts of all our people. The Daily Mail has airlifted an aeroplane full of "PPE Equipment" - cassocks, chasubles, stoles, albs, you name it - from China, so that our "Boys in White" (or whatever liturgical colour it should be right now) can be properly equipped.

Admittedly, clapping is not the only activity that we have seen: some people have gone further, praising bishops with sound of trumpet, praising them with psaltery and harp, praising them with timbrel and choir, praising them with strings and organs, praising them on high sounding cymbals, and even - in extreme cases - praising them on cymbals of joy.

"Unclean! Unclean!" A poor sick man praises the Church with a bell.

It has been claimed that the campaign to "Save the Church by staying away" has been a little too successful: most of the buildings remain empty. The clergy are also often under-employed, and have been seen making TikTok videos in which they dance around the aisles - to the annoyance of many devout worshippers who think they should be at the "coal-face" of soul-saving.

A typical TikTok video.

Still, these are minor considerations, and all citizens are invited to be happy-clappy at 8 p.m. on Thursday. We shall be sending the police out onto the streets to make sure you participate - not-clapping is now a criminal offence, considered to be as serious as sitting on a park bench or sunbathing in a public place! You will obey!

God denounces Stephen Fry

In an unprecedented appearance on an Irish television programme, God the Father Almighty has described the "entertainer" Stephen Fry as "utterly evil, capricious and monstrous".

"I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM," said God, "BUT HE IS SUCH A LOATHSOME TOAD THAT ONLY AN OMNIPOTENT BEING SUCH AS I COULD MAKE A REALISTIC JOB OF IT."

Smug, about to be killed by Smaug (disappointingly, this didn't really happen).

Stephen Fry, of course, has recently developed an interest in theology, possibly because his young "husband" is currently taking Religious Studies as one of his GCSEs. As such, he has discovered for the first time the Problem of Pain, that there is suffering in the World. Apparently, theologians throughout the ages never noticed this before, and it took a mega-brained actor to point it out to them.

"We know what's wrong with you, but only Stephen Fry can explain why."

Meanwhile, God had another comment to make. "SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HIS 'QI' PROGRAMME IS SOME SORT OF PARADISE. BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE AN ETERNITY OF LISTENING TO FRY MAKING SMUG REMARKS TO A SYCOPHANTIC AUDIENCE? I'D RATHER GO TO THE OTHER PLACE - RTE TELEVISION."

Delivering the message of a not-very-good Fry Day.

In conclusion, God remarked. YES, TV CAN BE VERY WONDERFUL, BUT IT CONTAINS INSECTS WHOSE WHOLE PURPOSE IS TO BURROW INTO PEOPLE'S BRAINS AND DRIVE THEM MAD: THE BRIGSTOCKE, THE BRAND (ANY BRAND), THE GERVAIS... YES, AND THE FRY. THE MOMENT YOU BANISH THEM, LIFE BECOMES SIMPLER, PURER, CLEANER AND MORE WORTH LIVING."

He's right, you know.

Carey on Killing

A new film in the long-running "Carey-on" series, has been produced, but it has been seriously panned by the critics, and it may not go on general release.

Entitled "Carey on Killing", it stars Sid James as Sid Falconer, the dodgy proprietor of the "Zap-Yer-Grandad" Assisted Suicide Company.

Sid Falconer and Bishops Wilson and Carey come to a patient's assistance.

Glamorous support is provided by blonde bombshell Rosie Harper (Barbara Windsor), who tells the House of Lords that the "moral and Christian" approach to sick and dying people is to push them over the edge.

Saucy boy! Wait till I tell my bishop!

A key role is played by Archbishop George Carey (Bernard Bresslaw), who, sick and tired of promoting orthodox Christian doctrine (or at least an Anglican version of it) decides to go out in style!

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death (non Angeli sed Anglici...)

It is a pity that this film is so poor. Our own personal favourite amongst the Carey-on films was "Carey on Praying" in which George Carey was molested in Canterbury Cathedral by Peter Tatchell (a comic role played by Kenneth Williams) when he tried to defend the traditional family. This film simply does not compare in terms of spiritual nourishment.

"Infamy! They've all got it infamy!" says Tatchell.

Eccles verdict: do not go and see this film. The characters are totally unbelievable.

Carry on Blogging

I'm scraping the barrel this week

by Damian Thompson

Where does Rowan Williams stand on gay marriage? He keeps giving out contradictory signals. Last week I went round to Lambeth Palace and asked him straight out "Are you in favour of gay marriage?" and he replied "That's sweet of you, Damian, but we can only ever be good friends." This is not the sort of moral leadership we expect.

It's in contrast with the Catholic Church. When I asked the Pope the same question, he threw a bucket of holy water over me and kicked me out of the Vatican. No messing about there!

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Paxman, not afraid to ask difficult questions

As Chloe Smith discovered this week, Jeremy Paxman is something of a blood-crazed ferret, and does not hesitate to ask badly-briefed girls difficult questions about government policy, such as "Do you ever think you are incompetent?" Of course he would never ask such a question of someone really useless who might fight back, such as a Prescott or an Osborne.

I met him recently in the showers at my health club, and asked him "Do you have the balls to take on a real heavyweight?" He hastily covered himself with a towel and ran away, but not before I had seen more than I wanted to.

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Vicar! Put thy clothes back on, we implore thee!

My colleague Tom Chivers has written a blog posting mocking the use of the words "Yes" and "No." These are the sort of words one associates with Jane Austen, and he is right to point out that in contemporary usage the forms "Yeah" and "Nah" are considered to be more correct. The sort of person who would say "Yes" is almost certainly an atheist or, worse, a Protestant.

I phoned up Rowan Williams and asked him "You would never say 'No,' would you?" and he replied "Damian, I told you, we can only be good friends." Sometimes his pronouncements are a little hard to understand.