Which bits of the Bible can we omit?

There's been a bit of controversy this week about the second reading in the Novus Ordo Mass, which was Ephesians 5:21-32: this has some juicy stuff about wives submitting to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. As far as I know, in England and Wales, this bit is not optional (sometimes, parts of a reading can be omitted, but only if it is too long and the priest wants to get away early); however, in the USA it seems that St Paul's teaching does not meet with modern feminist ideals, and can be omitted if the priest is worried about being beaten up by irate women after the Mass is over.

"And if St Paul comes here, he'll get the same!"

So I looked at all the readings for last Sunday (including the psalm) to see whether there are other parts that should really be omitted to avoid offending sensitive souls.

Reading 1: This is from Joshua 24, and our hero calls the people together and tells them that if they don't want to serve the Lord, then they can go and serve the other gods, including the gods of the Amorites. The people decide to stay put.

Verdict: Well, this isn't very ecumenical, is it? I think we'd better cut this a bit, to avoid offending fans of Pachamama and similar alternative gods.

The Amorites worshipped Amurru, seen here dressed for motorcycling.

Psalm: Based on Psalm 33. It has the refrain "Taste and see that the Lord is good".

Verdict: This may offend people with no taste - and I don't mean modern hymn-writers, I mean inability to taste food and drink; and of course, what are the blind supposed to think? There's another awkward bit later on, where we're told that the just man will be rescued from his trials, and "not one of his bones shall be broken". What are people with broken bones going to think of that?

"This wouldn't have happend if you were a just man."

Reading 2: St Paul reveals that he is not exactly a feminist.

Verdict: Enough said already.

Gospel: From John 6. This starts with "After hearing His doctrine many of the followers of Jesus said, 'This is intolerable language. How can we accept it?'"

Verdict: We know how they feel. Look, let's just scrap all these Bible readings and skip to the homily, where the priest can make us feel comfortable by telling us about his holiday in Madeira.

We 'ad it tough before Vatican II

In 'onour, er, honour of Yorkshire Day, here is the original version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Eee, one 'ad it tough. A Yorkshireman flies t' flag.

Aye, them were difficult days when I were a lad. We'd go to church and t'priest wouldn't even look at us. Kept 'is back to us and said 'e were too busy lookin' towards God. We 'ad to face in t'same direction as 'e did. Aye, we used to dream that 'e'd turn round and grin at us, like priests do these days.

What's more, t'service were in Latin. Very confusin' that were. We'd go to furrin parts like Lancashire or Benidorm for our 'olidays, and t'Mass were still in Latin, rather than t'vernacular. Aye, I paid ninepence for a Yorkshire-Lancashire phrase book, and I never got to use it in t'church. What a waste that were.

Silly games at t'altar? Luxury!

And we didn't 'ave no guitars, or even a recorder. They got someone wot 'ad actually 'ad music lessons to play t'organ. Called it more reverent. And when we 'ad 'ymns we didn't get modern stuff, just Gregorian chant and sometimes music by dead people known as composers. You lads wi' your Paul Inwoods and Damian Lundys don't know 'ow lucky you are.

We 'ad to sit through 'omilies on religious subjects too. None of your bishops' letters tellin us all about 'is trip to t'grotto at Lords, or t'priest explainin' t'cultural significance of t'rape scene in Game of Thrones. No, we got Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Like it or lump it.

T'kiss of peace.

We didn't have t'kiss of peace neither. If you wanted to grope t'lasses you 'ad to go down t'pub for that sort of thing. Nowadays t'kids just won't keep their hands to themselves, will they?

Aye, we was poor and 'umble in t'worship, but we had God, didn't we? You tell that to t'young lads of today wi' their clown Masses, their transgendered awareness Masses, and their puppet Masses, and they just won't believe you.

Aye, and t'bishops used to support their deacons in them days, too.