This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Our religious experts comment on Trump's victory

Pope Francis.

My children, you know that I never make judgements on people, I'm just not that sort of person. So, although Donald Trump is a dangerous man who will destroy the world, I would never dream of saying so. The man wants to build walls, and there is nothing worse than walls...

... except Latin Masses of course. What is it about people who still yearn for the pre-conciliar liturgy? They are RIGID, RIGID, RIGID. Don't they know that the Catholic Church was founded in the 1960s, and not back in ancient times? These people make me sick. They probably even have walls in their houses.

Bastards, the lot of them. They don't know how to show love. Why can't they follow my example, instead of acting like a lot of insecure hate-filled wall-worshipping neo-Pelagians?

Mr Neutron

Donald Trump - a dangerous man, although I'd never dream of saying so.

Fr James Martin SJ.

Lord have Mercy! Christ have Mercy! Lord have Mercy! The Spirit of Vatican II have Mercy!

These words from the Jesuit liturgy summarise how I feel today. The election of Hillary Clinton would have led to advances in all the areas that we Catholics see as important: LBGTSJ rights, the ordination of women... and more consideration for the really wretched and despised members of the population - Jesuits. After all Vice-President Kaine was brought up by our lot.

Did you see today's Gospel? In it Jesus gets REALLY CROSS about the election of Herod, a powerful man with strange hair. He speaks out, saying "If only we could have elected a thieving woman with a sex-maniac husband, then the Kingdom of God would be with us already."

Er, don't worry if your Bible says something different. This is perfectly normal.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go and have a good cry.

James Martin SJ

All dressed up for a celebration party and nowhere to go!

Professor Tina Beattie.

Woe, woe and thrice woe! God the Mother, forgive them for they know not what they do! America is doomed!

It's clear that the American people rejected Hillary because she was a woman. All my friends at ACTA agree with me.

Look, her policies were soundly built on the principle of human flourishing. Her main aim in life was to get incredibly rich, and if that isn't flourishing, then what is? She was a great advocate of women's abortion rights - and although I wouldn't go quite as far as her policy of killing all children under the age of two, you must admit that there is a Biblical precedent!

But, most important of all, Hillary has two X chromosomes, and that means she has a BETTER BRAIN than any of those sexist male people. All right, OFFICIALLY she is not a Catholic, but can you tell the difference? I can't.

America, I weep for you. Father Jim, can I borrow one of your hankies? The pink one with flowers on will do nicely...

bunch of people crying

A few unhappy faces in Tina's support group.


  1. This is more or less what these people are saying. Thank God Pope Francis doesn't judge and dislikes walls. True, he himself lives behind walls that were built to keep out Muslim invaders, but how dare Donald Trump suggest such a thing.

  2. Pope Francis never addressed Hillary Clinton telling people they would have to change their religious beliefs to accommodate her policies,but he was very quick to address the walls.

    1. A good comment, although the answer to it is of course that Pope Francis is trying his hardest to change them for us himself!

    2. Changing them for us saves us the trouble.
      Mercy, thy middle name is Frank.

  3. Sir, I really must point out one glaring error in your otherwise touching collection of heartfelt responses to the current situation: there is no way Tina would call Jim "Father"—WAY too patriarchal/clerical/hierarchical. It makes me have a doubt or two as to whether these letters are authentic.
    London, SW1V

  4. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! I want a group hug. There are no 'safe spaces' now, I need rainbows and fluffy unicorns NOW.

    1. Don't forget the coloring books, crayons and puppies. ... can't have a 'safe space' without them

    2. ...and, of course, a "no-kill" ("no guns") kennel. For the puppies.

  5. I have a sneaky feeling that there were many prayers offered by those neo-Pelagian Traditionalists that the actual outcome would be this one.

  6. John Baptist Scalfari a voice crying in the media... "make straight the way of Francis". Then the Bishops sent messengers unto him and asked "who art though?" "art though a Marxist he answered "so", Art though

  7. The Trump it shall sound and the deed shall be praised.

  8. That comment about building walls has been misconstrued. Although he was looking at Donald Trump when he said those words he actually meant them to apply to Israel. As we all know, the Catholic Church has a long history of anti-semitism, so the Pope was merely speaking in accordance with tradition. He would never do otherwise. It's not in his nature. He's as traditional as you and I are rigid. And as walls are rigid structures he doesn't like them. Especially when they are decorated with fancy hats.

  9. You don't understand why the people in the photo are crying.

    The last "trump" has now sounded, and they're upset because it's the end of (their) world.

    It's in the Bible.

    You'd cry, too, if your world were ending.