Pay nuns more so that they can make moral judgements!!??

Today, a guest post from Sister Judy Piranha, of the Nuns for Herod, who led prayers at the Democrat National Convention.

Coo-ee everyone!!?? It was a great privilege to be a guest of honour at the Democratic Convention, especially since we of the Nuns for Herod are the least conventional sisters you'll ever meet!!??

No rude comments about my habits, please!!??

Ever since the days of President Barack Aborter, we in the Nuns for Herod have been keen Democrats!!?? It's all part and parcel of being one of the "Fat Nuns in the Limousine"!!?? I was delighted when Joe Biden came up to me, stroked my hair, and said, "What's it like being a naughty nun, sister??!!" I replied, "Well, it's not to be sniffed at"!!?? Oddly, he replied, "That's a shame," and moved away!!??

Now, many of you have asked me, "Do you really support abortion??!!" Well, that's above my pay grade!!?? If you want nuns to make moral judgements, you must pay them more!!?? 30 pieces of silver will buy you a moral judgement, dearie!!?? And we're not dogmatic - you can have any answer you like!!??

Of course Abortercare is not universally popular with nuns!!?? Think of the Little Sisters of the Poor, who don't think nuns should send out baby-killing drugs!!?? Well, you can see that they're losers, can't you!!?? Otherwise they'd be the Big Sisters of the Rich, and get lots of juicy grants from rich companies!!??

The Big Sisters of the Rich (not losers!!??)

But enough of that!!?? Sister Kamala* is organizing an auction today!!?? Who wants to buy a nun's conscience, totally unused??!! Send your bids in!!??

*Originally Mary, but that wouldn't do!!??

Join the Big Brothers of the Rich!

Dear Uncle Eccles,

I was fascinated to hear the news about the Little Sisters of the Poor, and their battle against President Obama's "Abortercare" legislation. So I applied to join. However, my application was rejected on several counts:

(a) I am too tall to be "little".
(b) I am too male to be a sister.
(c) I am too rich to be "of the poor".

Can you advise me, please?

Bruce Caitlyn Jenner.

Two little sisters (well, one is medium-sized).

This is one of many letters I have received from oversized men who are interested in getting rich. Many of them don't worry too much about President Obama's total lack of a conscience, his bizarre fondness for killing babies, his weird idea that two people of the same sex - er, "gender" - can get married, or his eagerness to let the boys invade the girls' toilets. So perhaps the Little Sisters of the Poor is not for them.

Fortunately, we now have available a new religious order, the Big Brothers of the Rich. Standing for everything that the Little Sisters detest, their Abbot is no less than Mr Obama himself (Fr Joe Biden, winner of the Laetare medal from Notre Dame, is of course too devout a Catholic to be associated with the BBR, even though he has the same high moral standards as Abbot Obama).

Big Brother (Abbot Obama) is watching you!

To sign up, all you need to do is take a vow of wealth, and swear allegiance to Big Brother. Thus, we believe that this fills a much-needed gap in the range of religious orders available. And don't worry, you won't be having any embarrassing encounters with the Little Sisters in the After-life. Members of the BBR will be going to quite a different destination!