Can Peter Oborne be compared to Jesus Christ?

It was his pureness of heart and sanity of judgement that made Peter Oborne one of the three greatest comedians of the 20th century. The other two were Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin.

The Telegraph's chief political comedian.

Whereas many other people decided that Gandhi was a dirty old man who hated Western Civilization, only Peter Oborne in his simple ignorance saw him as a hero who embraced humanity - even the ones who didn't want to be embraced. Indeed, Oborne is probably unique in listing both Churchill and Gandhi - who hated each other and had diametrically opposite views - as his personal heroes.

We should judge Oborne in the context of Telegraph comment and blogs. The list of those with an epic generosity of spirit is small: one might name Damian Thompson, with his universal courtesy and kindness to his enemies such as David Cameron, Tim Yeo, Russell Brand and Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor. Or James Delingpole with his Olympian tolerance of windfarms, "green" taxes, and the inanities of his nonagenarian colleague Geoffrey Lean. Yet only Oborne stands out as genuinely - but unconsciously - a comic genius.

Ayatollah Khomeini - "one of the greatest theologians of our time".

The recent book A Dangerous Delusion: Why the Iranian Nuclear Threat is a Myth is just the sort of text that Jesus would have written, if he had been as clever as Peter Oborne. In it, Ayatollah Khomeini is described as "one of the greatest theologians of all time" - at least if our friends at Wikipedia aren't having a little joke here. All time, you notice. Tough luck, Augustine, Aquinas, etc., you just didn't have the intellect of the sage of Tehran!

Po of the Telegraphies - was she so named because of her resemblance to P.O.?

Oborne himself rose to fame as a sports journalist, with biographies of the great cricketer Basil D'Oliveira, and of Alastair Campbell, the spinner for Tony Blair. But he turned to politics, and our American readers will doubtless admire his article Why the US is now our great enemy, written in 2005, when the UK and USA were bitterly fighting a cold war. Please check this, someone.

Jesus Himself is known to have said to Himself on many occasions, "What would Peter Oborne do?" and this is obviously a precept that we should follow ourselves. Note that Our Lord gave the name Peter to his greatest disciple, intending that he would model his life on that of the great Oborne: inevitably he fell short. In more recent times Damian Thompson said to our hero "You are Peter, and on this rock I shall build my blogs. And I have given you the keys to the executive washroom."

Ye must be - oh, born again!

The death of Peter Oborne's credibility diminishes the earth we walk on. Even now that it has gone, it is essential for the sake of our common humanity that we cherish its memory and try as best we can to remember the lessons that he taught.

Vinston Nichill to appear on £5 note

The Bank of England has announced that Archbishop Vinston Nichill of Westminster, who led England and Wales to victory against the forces of modernism and secularism during the dark days of 2013, is to appear on the new £5 note.

"I have nothing to offer..."

Sir Mervyn King, governor of the Bank, announced the plan today. From 2016, Nichill will be portrayed on the £5 note along with a picture of Westminster, the scene of so many of his triumphs.

It is expected that people will soon start to refer to the £5 note as "Nichols," which is, curiously, how Americans refer to their 5-cent coin. It is believed that the two will soon be worth roughly the same.

Mervyn King went on to hint that other church leaders may feature on future banknotes. "Welby, Sacks, ... why even Kieran Conry or Giles Fraser could be chosen!" he quipped.

Vinston Nichill himself received the news humbly: "In the battle for a red hat, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

Happy citizens in Warwick Street, the scene of one of Vinston's greatest triumphs.

Dawkins arrests BBC Director-General

George Entwistle, now in custody at Dawkins Abbey.

It has just been announced that Richard Dawkins, the famous zoologist, theologian and guardian of Britain's morals, has succeeded in arresting George Entwistle, the Director-General of the BBC. Said Professor Dawkins: "I was unsuccessful in my attempt to arrest Pope Benedict XVI two years ago, because he was too well guarded, but I have managed to apprehend George Entwistle, and this has stimulated a hormonal rush inside my organism - in layman's terms it may be described as saying that I am over the Moon."

The Director-General's Soapmobile, as seen in one of the BBC's long-running soaps.

Mr Entwistle was apparently captured when he made a rare public appearance without the protection of his "Soapmobile." Professor Dawkins went on to explain that he was automatically assumed to take full responsibility for the Jimmy Savile affair, whether or not the allegations were substantiated, and whether or not he was in charge at the time. "The BBC is Institutionally Rapist," explained the learned professor, "and the man at the top must take responsibility. It is disgraceful that an institution such as the British Broadcasting Church, which provides moral guidance to the public, should be engaged in a massive cover-up."

George Entwistle is now locked up in Dawkins Abbey, where he is being tormented by endless readings from The God Delusion. It is believed that Amnesty International regards this as a cruel and unusual punishment, and will campaign for Entwistle's early release.

Jimmy Savile, a C*th*l*c, on "Top of the Popes."

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Eric Hobgoblin - a nation mourns

Eric Honecker Hobgoblin.

In other news, the nation is grief-stricken to hear of the death of Professor Eric Hobgoblin, the brilliant Marxist historian, whose defence of communism was so compelling that he became a Companion of Honour. He is now best remembered for his monumental books, which include:

The Gulag, which explains how Stalin's Holiday Camps attracted many visitors and influenced Sir Billy Butlin;

The knock on the door at 4 a.m., telling how the Russian police were the finest in the world, and could be relied upon 24/7; and

Famine - is it all bad? - a discussion of Stalin's pioneering agricultural techniques.

Have you read Hobgoblin's latest, Comrade Roosevelt?