The legend of Telegraph Blogs

From the Daily Telepath, April 3016.

It is strange to think that 1000 years ago mankind was unable to communicate by instant telepathy, as we do today. Historians tells us that there were miserable people who sat in front of boxes containing electronic equipment, laboriously typing their thoughts into something called "blogs", which were then read by other sad people, also sitting at (or at least holding) boxes. (Less "progressive" people read "newspapers", which were apparently produced by cutting down "trees" - a form of life that became extinct in the 27th century - and writing on them.)

The tradition is that the readers would then "comment" on the blogs: this was generally done by means of trading insults or (in the case of one commentator known only as "On The Side Of The Angels", but believed to be the then archbishop of Corby) writing incoherent essays, longer than the original article, on a vaguely related subject.

However, recent excavations at the remains of "London", the primitive city now known as Corbyngrad, have revealed a "cache" of "Telegraph blogs", which our ancestors tried to suppress in 2016.

There is evidence that this man was worshipped as a god.

Looking at the writings of the Telegraph blogs' supreme being, Damian Thompson, we see some of the questions that concerned our distant ancestors. Religion was one such issue: these were the days of Pope St Francis I, who was not universally loved. He was to be succeeded by Pope Francis II, our own Vincent Nichols, who introduced "gay" masses and the writings of Mother Tina of Roehampton into the Vatican. Nichols is also mentioned in the blogs, although not in respectful terms.

Francis I, later the first Dalai Pope.

Now, for us who live in the reign of Pope Richard XIX, it is odd to think that the saint after whom he is named, St Richard Dawkins, was in in those days a fierce atheist. However, Damian, whose prophecies were invariably correct, foresaw Richard's conversion and eventual canonization.

St Richard, in his "unsaved" days.

In those days something called "politics" was a matter of great interest. Nowadays, of course we are looked after by a benevolent Big Brother, who reigns in Brussels, chosen by a computer that telepathically reads our minds and finds the most suitable candidate. However, in those days the leaders were selected by voting. One such person, who disappeared mysteriously in the summer of 2016, was known as "Dave". For reasons that our analysts are still trying to discover, the big political issue of 2014 - according to Damian - was whether Dave consumed too much custard.

Dave, who disappeared mysteriously in 2016.

It is fascinating to learn of 21st-century culture from the blogs of Damian Thompson - cupcakes obviously played an important part in the everyday life of 21st-century Britain, as did the music of Gladys Mills (believed to have been a teacher of the great Stephen Hough) and the dramatic efforts of Dame Noele Gordon, a Shakespearean actress known for performing the play "Crossroads" which has not survived to the present day.

Damian foresaw that orange juice would kill millions in 2025.

We are still investigating the Telegraph Blogs find, and attempting to make sense of it. For example, there was also a writer called James Delingpole who warned of climate change just 10 years before the New Ice Age began and Scotland was destroyed by glaciers (this seems to have gone largely unnoticed at the time). Also a man called Dan Hodges the Hermit, who was ridiculed for his always-wrong prophecies. Odone the Odd One, Lean the Fathead... yes, archaeologists, historians and psychiatrists will be investigating this find for years to come!

We Christians are all guilty

We invited some distinguished guest columnists to explain how the terrorist murders in Paris should be laid directly at the door of Christians.

Juliet Carpet-Chewer of the once great Telegraph.

Surprising as it may seem, I can reveal that the Islamic terrorists who killed so many people in Paris were in fact Muslims. It's very confusing to have two different names for the same thing, but half an hour's research with Wikipedia put me straight on that! What's more, their "holy book" is called the Koran, but also called the Qur'an - it took me several days to work out that these were the same thing, really. Sheesh!

But then I came across a book called "Why Catholics are right" by Michael Coren (alias, Koran or Qu'ran), and I realized that in fact "Muslim" is just another word for "Christian". And, when you look at the two religions, they're identical. The Coren tells me that "Mohammed" is just the Arab word for "Christ", and - as we know from the New Testament - Christ told his followers to go out into the world and spread violence, hatred and terror.

A Catholic mosque.

I'll bet that if you asked Ayatollah Francis in Rome, he'd say that the two religions basically preach the same things. Look, I'm a reasonable woman, and I understand that there is a small minority of Christians who do not go out committing acts of terrorism on a daily basis. However, in the interests of security, we need to round up all Christians and shoot them. Don't you agree?

Brilliant article, Julia! I'm so glad we got rid of Damian Thompson. Love, Chris Evans (Telegraph Editor).

Comedy gold - Colbert and Rosica!

Fr Thomas Rosica writes: "The cry "Allahu akbar” was never a call to violence and destruction - it's what Muslims scream when they call people to prayer. Just as I scream "You're blocked!" or "Where's my lawyer?" when people attempt to dialogue with me. Once you realise that the armed gunmen in the Bataclan Theatre were simply trying to persuade people to pray, you understand what deeply religious people they were. We Basilians recognise holiness when we see it.

Of course, the gunmen were misunderstood, and things may have got slightly out of hand. Which of us has not had to face such a problem? It's important that Christians understand that we are all to blame. We need to dialogue more, walk with people, and show them mercy. Unless they're traditional Catholics. The Jihadi Jesuits, as usual, are leading the way.

"Adopt a Syrian - or at least a camel" says Anglican bishop.

David Walker, Bishop of Manchester, explains: "There's only one answer to all this. It's important that we move the entire population of Syria to England, and welcome them into our homes. Refugees, migrants, terrorists, all are worthy of our love."

"Unfortunately I am unable to take a Syrian family - even a Christian one - into my humble six-bedroom 'pad' . They wouldn't feel at home, and I fear that the constant prayer, hymn-singing and other religious devotions would cause annoyance - although I suppose I might get used to this. However, in the interests of peace, I have agreed to take a camel to live at Bishopscourt, and I urge you all to do likewise."

Pope Francis says "Have an abortion on me!"

By Julia Carpet-Chewer of the Telegraph, Tom Wingnut of the Times, and in fact most of the most foolish journalists in the secular media.

Yes! Pope Francis - who I've just discovered is the head of the Cathartic Church (memo, check spelling) has made it clear that during the forthcoming Year of Murphy abortion will no longer be a sin! In fact all Cathartics, male and female, will be encouraged to go out and have abortions, knowing that they will automatically go to Heaven as a result!

Is this why it's called the Year of Murphy?

I've been given a fascinating but rather difficult book called "Catholicism for three-year-olds" - oh, THAT's how you spell it - and, as far as I can tell, there are two important notions going round in the most advanced theological circles. One is called GOOD and the other is EVIL. Weird, eh? Now, if you do GOOD, you go to Heaven, and get angel's wings, learn to play the harp, and sit on a cloud. But if you do EVIL - now don't be shocked by this - you go and sit in a big lake of fire, eat brimstone, and watch endless television shows starring Stephen Fry.

A vision of Heaven.

And that's all there is to it, EXCEPT that you can still do EVIL and get away with it. All you have to do is tell a PRIEST - a sort of holy policeman - and you are FORGIVEN. But BEWARE, for if you've done GOOD and you tell THAT to a priest, then it gets FORGIVEN as well, and so you get no credit for it. This is what Catholics call ABLUTIONS.

It's a big thumbs-up to EVIL from now on!

So what did Pope Francis actually SAY? Well, he said that in the Year of Murphy there was no need to worry about committing sins. There won't be any! In fact he even said that HITTING STUPID JOURNALISTS OVER THE HEAD WITH A CRICKET BAT - although normally said to be one of the wickedest things you can do - was no longer to be considered sinful. In fact he RECOMMENDED IT. Oo - er...

Preparing to tackle the Press.

2067: the date of the Second Coming

A revised version of a Spectator piece by Damian Thompson.

When my editor asked me to write a scare story for the Spectator, I considered several possible scenarios:

2067: the date that world reserves of custard will run out.

A possible victim of world food shortages.

Pretty scary, you'll agree, but in fact this is not going to happen. Here's something more likely.

2067: the end of the Daily Telegraph.

This is more probable. Indeed, now that the Telegraph is basically a clone of the Daily Mail, without the intellectual gravitas of a Richard Littlejohn or a Piers Morgan, we may expect the last rites by 2017, shortly after Tim Stanley finally gives it up as a bad job.

The Mail offers Kim Kardashian as the thinking man's Cristina Odone.

2067: the end of British Christianity.

This one is pretty certain, too. My own priest, Mgr Bottletop, is worried about declining congregations, and it can't be due to the fact that certain priests refused to sign a letter sticking up for Catholic teaching on marriage and the family. No, the Catholics and Anglican leaders have done their best to fit in with the "Spirit of the Age" and to reject anything that would make Christians look somehow "different" from liberal secularists. Richard Dawkins could walk into most of our churches without finding anything to throw a tantrum about. It's all very mysterious.

By 2100 there will be MINUS THREE MILLION Christians in the UK.

The above chart was helpfully provided by my former colleague Geoffrey Lean, who also tells me that climate change will cause his zimmer frame to burst into flames tomorrow. It proves that we are in deep trouble, and Christianity in the UK will become extinct at 3.13 pm. on August 27th 2067. Indeed, I'll be over 100 by then, and probably departed to that great Newspaper in the Sky, and the same goes for most of my friends. All right, there'll be a few bishops left: indeed, that man Cormac Murphy-O'Connor will only be 130-odd, so I expect he'll still be meddling in things. But no Christians as such.

We're doomed, I tell ye. We're doomed!

2067: the Second Coming.

Actually, this is the most likely scenario. I took an Eccles tour to Medjugorje ("Your money back guaranteed if you don't get a personal apparition of the Virgin Mary"), and as a result I became convinced that we live in the end times. In fact, it was the hotel cleaner not the Virgin Mary who appeared to me, but - whoever she was - she was very persuasive. Basically the Lord is fed up with the whole human race, and wants to try something else. And who can blame Him?

With spiritual leaders like this, are you surprised?

Cormac doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting

Adapted from the Catholic Herald.

By Peter Stanford.

There's a touching scene in Tony Blair's newly published memoir An English Spring. It is May 1994, and Labour leader John Smith lies dying. The then Shadow Home Secretary, Anthony Blair, is ushered in to say a final goodbye. "John Prescott will have to take over this job," says the dying Smith, whose mind is already wandering. However, the message is relayed back as "It's all yours, Tony," and the rest is history.

Cormac Murphy-O'Connor is admitted into the Labour Party.

Tony Blair faced several challenges during his time in power, not least Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor telling him he wanted to join the Labour Party. The news came as no great surprise, he says. "He'd been a bit of a leftie for twenty-five years, and his conversion had been expected for a long time. Cormac's getting a bit of a bad time now, without even the usual twenty million pounds and a string of luxury mansions to console him in his old age, and I feel sorry for him. He made many mistakes during his time at Arundel and Brighton - oh, and at Westminster too - and ever since then, come to think of it - but he doesn't deserve the kind of treatment he is getting. Well, actually he does, really."

---

Adapted from the Spectator.

The Heckler: why does Damian Thompson have to be so rude?

By Sir John Eliot Gardiner.

Damian Thompson is talented almost beyond measure. He is the leading Bach expert of his age, or indeed any age, but is also equally at home with Gladys Mills. His stupidly-named Orchestre Petit Gâteaux et Crème Anglaise has notched up one triumph after another over the decades. At 53, Damian is at his artistic peak, the author of numerous books and articles, and you have to wonder: is there anything this man can’t do?

The answer is yes. One art eludes him: good manners. He's perhaps the only Telegraph blogger to have had his own comment on his own blog deleted by his own moderators, when he described a sensitive female commentator as "You spiteful cow!" He told another "I will not be lectured to by you, Mrs Farrow." Then again he had a blazing row with the normally-timid Peter Hitchens, storming out and knocking over a blind little old lady in the corridor.

Clash of the Titans!

Many geniuses have been bad-tempered - think of Beethoven, Evelyn Waugh, even Pope Francis - and Damian’s friends think all this is unfair. Although he is generously endowed with self-esteem, he is not a monster like George Galloway. He inspires deep affection in some colleagues. Belatedly anxious about his image problem, he now says he has "mellowed". That may be true, but there is plenty of mellowing still to do. "I said 'hello' to Damian on Twitter not that long ago," says one award-winning saved blogger, "and he stared through me as if I was a parlourmaid."

Into the wilderness for Lent

So Eccles prepared to go into the wilderness for Lent. On the day before Ash Wednesday the world had celebrated a big festival: formerly called Shrove Tuesday, it was now universally known as Pancake Day, being a day when all mankind - except for the starving millions - was obliged to gorge itself on pancakes. Apparently, this was in honour of the blessed St Pancake, a Roman martyr who achieved immortality by having a railway station named after him.

The face of St Pancake appears in a plate.

Enough of this foolery. Lent arrived, and Eccles retreated into the wilderness. The first wilderness he tried was the desert of Telegraph blogs. Here there had clearly once been a great civilization: people spoke in hushed tones of the legendary Damian Thompson, James Delingpole, Tom Chivers, Daniel Hannan, and the millions who hung on their every word.

But when Eccles arrived, he saw a deserted wasteland. In one corner, Judith Potts was gallantly carrying on her popular series of "cancer" posts: "Why cancer can be fun", "Make the most of your cancer", "How we grew to love cancer", ... and so on. In another corner, there was still Pete Wedderburn with his "furry animal" blog: "Why the possum is man's best friend", "Give your mother a scorpion for her birthday" and "A gorilla is for life, not just for Christmas".

One of Pete Wedderburn's remaining fans.

But apart from that, nothing. No Toby Youngs, no Norman Tebbits, not even a humble Geoffrey Lean. What calamity had struck the Telegraph? All Eccles could find was a broken statue, bearing the following words: MY NAME IS DAMIAN THOMPSON, KING OF KINGS, LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR...

Lies, all lies...

Eccles moved on to the Guardian, well-known as a wasteland full of dangerous creatures. There he suffered three temptations at the hands of Giles Fraser. At this point, some readers will say "There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. At his best, he is a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature." But still, the legend goes as follows:

Fraser showed Eccles his Guardian articles and said: "If you are a saved person, then turn these stones into spiritual nourishment." But Eccles replies: "It is written: 'Man cannot live on the words of Giles Fraser, but only on words that come from the mouth of God.'"

Then Fraser took Eccles up to the moral high ground, from where he could look down into the abyss of Radio 4. "Jump in," he said. "If you are a saved person, then the Lord will protect you from the Today Programme, the Moral Maze, and all other places where my views are to be found." But Eccles replied, "Don't tempt me to turn on the radio. Please."

Can Radio 4 really lead you to Evan?

Finally Fraser showed Eccles all the United Kingdom and its splendour. "Bow down and worship Ed Miliband," he said. "and a new socialist era will dawn, in which children may learn all about homosexual relations, yeah, even at the age of five. What's not to like?"

But Eccles shouted "Get thee behind me, Fraser!" and left for another wilderness.

Eccles flees the human projection of our darkest nature.

To be continued.

Celebrities ask for assisted death

A group of celebrities has written to the Telegraph "demanding" that politicians agree a plan to legalise assisted dying. And if nothing is done, then they'll scream and scream until they're sick. They can, you know. Apparently, 25 people a year travel abroad to be killed (compared with, say, the 1700 who are killed in road accidents), so action must be taken to make their self-destruction easier.

Eric Idle. Obviously an expert on the morality of killing people.

As many will remember, the prime mover for the "Why can't people be bumped off?" campaign is Lord Falconer. Note that a falconer is one who has control of a certain bird of prey, which is used to kill off weaker creatures - sorry, "assist weaker creatures to die" - and it is possible that Charlie Falconer is merely reverting to the traditions of his ancestors.

Set phasers on "assisted dying"! Patrick Stewart joins the campaign.

Of course, not all the signatories to the Telegraph letter are actors. Oddly, Stephen Fry is absent (which must automatically invalidate the list). Some of them are very eminent: one signs himself as Lord Rees of Ludlow OM, so that you know that he is a Very Important Person indeed, and not just any common or garden Lord Rees who wouldn't know one end of a telescope from the other. The fact that Martin Rees knows his Mars from his Albireo means that we should take his opinions on assisted dying more seriously than those of a man with no telescope. Lord May of Oxford OM, who has been Chief Scientific Adviser to the UK Government (yes, one man who knows all the science there is to know), is another who was wearing his "I've got an OM" tee-shirt when he signed the letter.

Lord Rees of Ludlow OM demonstrates the use of a telescope by putting it to his ear.

Fortunately, there appear to be no Catholics signing this infamous letter with the stench of death about it - how nice to be able to praise Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor for being a wise and moral Christian! There is one senior but retired Anglican who - as is well known - has gone over to the dark side: namely, the Humpty-Dumpty lookalike, George Carey. O George, time for a refresher course in Christian morality, you poor deluded buffoon. We've done this before, but this picture is worth another airing.

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death.

Welcome to Tablet blogs!

Many of us remember the Telegraph blogs, in the days when they were run by Damian Thompson, the blood-crazed ferret and expert on catholicism, Chopin, cup-cakes and custard.

Lest we forget: Damian Thompson at the National Custard Museum.

Damian persuaded the great and good (and Mary Riddell) to write for him: Norman Tebbit, James Delingpole, Stephen Hough, James MacMillan, ... Even Cormac Murphy-O'Connor took an interest (but failed to shut the whole thing down). These days, with Damian gone, there is nothing left to see: in the last ten days we have had pieces from Hannan (politics), Wedderburn (health and lifestyle), Potts (health and lifestyle), Hannan and Hannan. And that's it: Spam, Egg, Sausage, Spam and Spam. Why, you see more activity on this lovely blog!

Herman Van Rompuy shows what he thinks of Daniel Hannan.

So, over to the Tablet, where the blogs are alive and well. People who hate Catholicism need not fear - you're in good company! Look at some of the highlights from the last week!

Tony Flannery.

I refuse to be silenced. The Pope would like nothing better than to tie me to a chair and stuff a gag in my mouth. But I won't have it! I have just had a great time in the States, talking to anti-Catholic organizations, and preparing for the time when I shall march into the Vatican and demand justice. I spoke at the Call to Action conference, and gave them tips on how to avoid excommunication while still denying Catholic teaching on women priests, contraception, homosexuality, etc. I also met some Westboro Baptists, who welcomed me by holding me upside-down above the toilet bowl, saying "You may be a bit too friendly with faggots, Tone, but we are proud to recognise someone who hates Catholics almost as much as we do!" Praise indeed, and a sign that I've got Pope Benedict on the run!

"If you're in a hole, keep digging!" says Tony Flannery.

Tina Beattie.

The Pope! Arentchasickovim? He went to the EU Parliament, and what did he tell them? He hates grandmothers! Well, we can see what that means, can't we? He won't be ordaining any grandmothers in the near future, in line with the sexist, misogynist Catholic tradition that goes back all the way to, er, ... Jesus Christ! Let me tell him that in my daily life I meet many grandmothers and grandfathers, and it's the grandfathers that are the useless ones - they sit in a chair all day long, drinking beer and watching television, just as Jesus did, while the grandmothers do the shopping, the cleaning, and the washing, and they bring in the coal; then they stay up all night writing theological tracts (just like Martha). Phooey! If I were not a distinguished professor of Catholic Flourishing (memo: check exact title), I would quit and become a Pagan!

Pope Francis shows his utter contempt for a grandmother.

Una Kroll.

As a former Anglican vicar, and now a Catholic layperson, I want the Catholic Church to be more like the Anglican one: it was a big mistake when some pope decided to break away from the Anglicans in the 16th century. So I want to see Catholic women ordained bishops - never mind what the men at the top of the Church think. Also, we need to change Catholic teaching, and drop patriarchal concepts such as faith, hope and charity. We need to use more buzzwords, such as equality, cultural diversity, gender awareness, sustainability, organic unity, low-fat, gluten-free, climate change, recycled, cis and trans, and empowerment! Empowerment for me, that is, and not for some silly men in Rome! I may be 102, but it's not too late for me to take power! Mwahahahaha!

"The power of Kroll" (Dr Who, 1978). The men stare at Una in amazement.

Pope says 2+2=4

The Catholic Church finally entered the modern world today, when Pope Francis upset two thousand years' Catholic teaching by admitting that two plus two equalled four.

Pope Francis used to give the traditional Catholic answer "5".

Said Nick Silly of the Telegraph: "For years the Catholic church has rejected science, and its believers have been told to take on trust the belief that 2+2=5. Remember Galileo, who had his arms and legs cut off by Pope Paul IV-or-V, for saying 'But it is 4'. After that, of course, he could never be sure what the answer was, as he no longer had any fingers or toes to count on."

Galileo: suffered for his scientific beliefs.

Adam Witless of the Independent concurs: "This is the biggest scoop we have had since we revealed that Pope Benedict XVI believed that genes 'probably do exist'." This certainly upsets traditional Catholic doctrine, all the more so because this topic was never discussed at the recent synod. Indeed, Pope Francis's ex cathedra statement on the big question of 2+2 seems to have been made without even a 2/3 majority vote to support it."

Finally, Hannah Rubbish of the Daily Mail also carries the story of the Catholic Church's capitulation to scientific progress, together with in-depth interviews with Kim Kardashian, Lauren Pope, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and other women for whom counting up to four is an intellectual feat beyond their imagination.

One of those scientific women in the Daily Mail.

But what of the scientific elite? How will Richard Dawkins, Brian Cox, and Stephen Hawking react to Pope Francis's attempts to claim such major scientific discoveries for the Catholic Church? And why are Stephen Fry and Russell Brand choosing to remain silent? Are they ill? I think we should be told.

Four or five? At this stage of the evening I've lost count!

Meanwhile, the Catholic Church's 2015 Synod is expected to consider other deep scientific issues, such as "How many beans make five?" "Why does a red cow give white milk when it always eats green grass?" and "Is the Moon made of green cheese?" Cardinal Kasper is said to be already working on a set of controversial responses to these questions.

The basis of a new Catholic theory of beans.

The Fall and Rise of Damian Thompson

I have long watched the career of Damian "blood-crazed ferret" Thompson with interest - indeed I contributed to the comments section of his "Holy Smoke" Telegraph blog as "Eccles", the brother of the idiot "St Bosco", until I was banned. Then I contributed again as "ThisIsNotEccles" - but the moderators were not fooled by my subtlety and I was soon banned again. Later I was cunningly "Incongito" - this was in the days before I got a secretary, Ecclesiam, to help me with the typing - but that didn't last long either... Anyway, the blog you're reading would probably not be here, were it not for my response to the activities of Brother Bosco on Damian's blog.

Supporters of Bosco protest at his banishment from Damian's blog.

As I have recorded elsewhere on this blog, Damian's blog was originally full of religious news and discussion, hence the nickname "Holy Smoke". Later, however, a distinct dumbing-down was noticed, especially after Damian started to write a Saturday column in the Telegraph. Less frequent were the references to Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor or the Ordinariate, and more frequent the mentions of cupcakes, custard, the pianist Gladys Mills, and the actress Noele Gordon. Occasionally, there were snippets of religious gossip, such as the plots against the Nuncio, and the prediction that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next (Catholic) Bishop of Leeds. This event has yet to come to pass.

Damnit, Damian! I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

Finally, however, Damian parted company "amicably" with the Telegraph, as we have recorded already; Jason the Mekon, ruler of the Treens of northern Venus, was brought in to dumb-down the newspaper further. Luckily Bryony Gordon and Bill Gardner, formerly of the Brighton Argus - and who better to write about Dull and Boring Day? - are still there to back up the few grown-up writers remaining at the Telegraph, such as Tim Stanley and Tom Chivers.

Gardner of the Argus's greatest scoop.

So what of Damian? Of course he was still doing casual journalism for the Catholic Herald and the Spectator, but otherwise he was alone in the world with his collection of 10 million CDs, his Gladys Mills piano, his royalties from the Fix - soon to be a major blockbuster starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz - and a significant pay-off from the Telegraph.

Damian received a substantial "Golden Cupcake" from the Telegraph.

Well, a few weeks later we learned that Damian had been given a real job at the Spectator. Of course, he had to begin at the bottom, as the tea-boy, but we all have to start somewhere, and the senior Spectator staff appreciated having their tea poured out by someone who could talk knowledgeably about Wagner, custard, Islam and of course Catholicism as he helped them to sugar. Promotion was inevitable: like the chap in H.M.S. Pinafore who "polished up that handle so carefullee, that now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee", we could sing about Damian, "At making tea so good an operator, that now he is an Ass. Ed. of the great Spectator". An Ass. Ed. is nothing to do with donkeys, but is an Associate Editor, which is a very grand position indeed.

Cristina Odone is called in to help Damian interview a new tea-boy (R).

So the story has a happy ending, and Damian is blogging on religious matters again at the Spectator's Coffee House - or Custard House, as it is to be renamed. In-depth articles are appearing:

Bravo, Justin Welby! Much better than Rowan Williams! (even Anglicans get it right sometimes, eh?)

Fr Jean-Marie Charles-Roux - the priest with the William Hartnell hairstyle (ah, comments on hairstyles make me nostalgic for the old Telegraph days) and

Even the atheist left realise that Richard Dawkins is a bigot (a bit of an open goal, that one).

Ad multos bloggos, Damian. Will I be allowed to comment on your posts though?

The Abbot of Amboise, a lookalike of Fr Charles-Roux.

In praise of the Fishwrap

The American National Catholic Reporter is not highly regarded by orthodox Catholics: indeed Fr Zuhlsdorf has been known to refer to it as the Fishwrap. But does it have any merits?

The most obvious use for the National [Hahaha] Reporter (H/T Fr Z).

If five thousand friends suddenly descend on you wanting a meal - as can happen if someone mentions your party on Facebook - then there is no better way of catering for them than with fish sandwiches: in the right hands, five loaves and two fish can go a long way. In these circumstances, your fish would naturally be best wrapped in the National [Heretic?] Reporter, which is capable of packing in so much that is oily, foul-smelling, and even slightly rotten. Only the British Tablet can compete in this respect.

However, under controlled laboratory conditions, some people have managed to read the National [Whatever] Reporter without going insane, and today we shall review two of its articles.

See how many mistakes you can spot.

Did you know that the Catholic Church has women priests? I didn't, even if you spell them "Womenpriests". I don't think Pope Francis knew, either, and he's generally considered to be something of an expert on the matter. Here we have the National Catholic Reporter - yes, it really does use the C-word in its title - claiming that a gaggle of ladies in suspiciously stripy vestments are priests, indeed, that one of them is a bishop. Phew! That's a relief! We can cancel the Reformation and re-unite with the Anglicans, who are just beginning to catch up in this vital matter.

Now after that, you may think that some of the NCR editorial staff are in need of an analyst, the sort of person who can lie them down on a couch and say to them in a cod-Austrian accent, "So, and how long haf you had zis delusion about vimmin priests?" Luckily, there is an analyst on the staff, and he's a Jesuit!

Fr Thomas Reese SJ, a senior analyst for NCR.

Fr Tommy deserves the credit for another article that we'd like to review. Its headline is unpromising and a little insulting, but it is possible that - as at the British Daily Telegraph - the headlines are often written by teenagers on work experience. On the other hand, the quality of the article that follows also suggests that it was written by a teenager, rather than a worthy disciple of St Ignatius of Loyola.

Now, on this blog, we have always known that the kiss of peace was slightly problematical: see, for example, this guide, which tells you how to conduct the kiss without upsetting your neighbours, and this one, which tells you how to do so without catching an illness. Certain people in the Vatican have now taken our message to heart. You are not there to grope your neighbour, nor to try and beat your personal best in terms of "kisses" scored.

A scoreboard showing the current record as 346 kisses.

Fr Tommy takes a negative view of the Catholic church: basically the "Catholics against the Vatican" tribe has won. He says: The Catholic community, no matter what the Vatican may want, has made the kiss of peace in its current place a joyous symbol and no amount of catechesis will change that.

Yes, it's a great paper, the National [Oh-dear] Reporter. Recommended especially to Presbyterians, Muslims, Atheists, and anyone else who wants to see the Catholic Church looking very silly. Oh, and to fishmongers.