Vincent Nichols turns 70

It's Remembrance Day, November 8th 2015. Also the 70th birthday of Vincent Gerard Nichols, Cardinal-Priest* of the Church of St. Alphonsus Liguori, Rome.

*Non-experts may not have realised that cardinals come in three flavours. The six cardinal-bishops have titular dioceses, the 200-odd cardinal-priests have titular churches, and the handful of cardinal-deacons make do with titular sheds. But we digress.

At 11 a.m. today people fell silent all round the country, as they remembered some of the achievements of Vincent Nichols; many were wearing little red flowers in honour of the cardinal. To celebrate his anniversary we re-post some pictures celebrating his finest moments.

Vincent Nichols finally gets the coveted "red shirt" of a cardinal.

It is a little-known fact that Vincent Nichols was the 13th incarnation of Doctor Who. Here he is shown confronting the forces of darkness, in the form of the Weeping Angels.

Not on the side of the angels. Not this time.

The cardinal tells us that he is very interested in "accompaniment", "walking with", "reverential listening" and "discernment". Here we see him explaining these concepts to a young admirer.

"Now, Damian, let me teach you about discernment."

But the life of a cardinal is not all a matter of rewriting Catholic teaching to suit the mood of the Tablet. There's fun and games too! Here we see our hero doing a rather inept "rabbit ears" on Archbishop Rowan Williams.

Accompaniment...

And it's not only Anglicans who receive spiritual nourishment at the hands of the cardinal...

"Reverential listening..."

Moreover, as we approach the year of Mercy, we should not forget Vin's welcome to all, in particular his persistent encouragement of "gay masses".

"Walking with..."

So let the celebrations begin! Tomorrow, to mark the 70th birthday of Cardinal Nichols, the Bank of England will issue a "Vin" £5-note.

As Americans know, there are 20 Nichols to the dollar.

So Happy Birthday to the man of whom people are already speaking in hushed tones as the future Pope Francis II. Unfortunately, this is not a joke.

Famous writer to appear on ten-pound note

In April we brought you the controversial news that Archbishop Vincent Nichols was to be the new face of the Bank of England £5 note. Since the Catholic church is widely regarded as a symbol of repression, misogyny, chauvinism, etc. (except by most of its female members), a chorus of voices has arisen, calling for a woman to appear on an English banknote.

Following a hard-fought campaign, it has now been decided that the new £10 note will drop Charles Darwin and replace him with Professor Tina Beattie, the well-known expert on "human flourishing".

The "tenner" becomes the "tina".

The campaign for Tina Beattie has not been without its incidents - for example, there were threats on the blogosphere from people who offered to "convert" her or to "educate" her (Italian police are said to be interviewing a retired pope in Rome, who was one of her main attackers). But in the end, the Governor of the Bank of England relented, and the choice of a famous female writer was inevitable.

Known for her pride and prejudice, although not for her sense or sensibility (or persuasion), Professor Beattie has made powerful attacks on the Catholic Church in works such as God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate, where she expresses some highly eccentric views about the Mass. As a result she is much loved by atheists: indeed, Richard Dawkins, although sad to lose Darwin from the £10 note, and piqued that he himself is not to be the replacement, acknowledged that Tina Beattie was "a woman after his own heart".

The "Mass" scene from the soon-to-be-released movie of God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate.

Tina Beattie herself was said to be delighted with the today's news. "People who attend my lectures sometimes say that my notes are worthless," she commented, "but this will prove them wrong!"

Vinston Nichill to appear on £5 note

The Bank of England has announced that Archbishop Vinston Nichill of Westminster, who led England and Wales to victory against the forces of modernism and secularism during the dark days of 2013, is to appear on the new £5 note.

"I have nothing to offer..."

Sir Mervyn King, governor of the Bank, announced the plan today. From 2016, Nichill will be portrayed on the £5 note along with a picture of Westminster, the scene of so many of his triumphs.

It is expected that people will soon start to refer to the £5 note as "Nichols," which is, curiously, how Americans refer to their 5-cent coin. It is believed that the two will soon be worth roughly the same.

Mervyn King went on to hint that other church leaders may feature on future banknotes. "Welby, Sacks, ... why even Kieran Conry or Giles Fraser could be chosen!" he quipped.

Vinston Nichill himself received the news humbly: "In the battle for a red hat, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

Happy citizens in Warwick Street, the scene of one of Vinston's greatest triumphs.