Francis is Redeemed

As a blogger who endeavours to provide spiritual nourishment, I do regularly look at the writing of other satirists to see what the "competition" is up to. For example, Fr James Martin SJ, with his nuggets of made-up doctrine such as "Mary Magdalene was the Church" is a well-known star, as is Prof. Tina Beattie with her "human flourishing" that rewrites Catholic teaching as an over-the-top parody of feminism.

"And you say that Cardinal Burke's head is inside this?"

But now is the first time that I have encountered a parody of my own blog. Francis is Redeemed is clearly a spoof of "Eccles is saved", and very funny it is too, even if the author's name, Austen Ivereigh, is not quite as witty as, say, Fr Todd Unctuous or Archdruid Eileen.

Francis is Redeemed was written to celebrate the 80th birthday of the pope, and presented as if it were a genuine piece by the official hagiographer of the 2nd most powerful Catholic in the world (after Antonio Spadaro).

It is very tongue-in-cheek, and you have to be on the lookout for the clever bits of humour. Apparently Francis is interested in the Enneagram - and, in particular, is an "Eight", like Fidel Castro, Ignatius Loyola, and Martin Luther King. Of course he's also a Sagittarius and a thetan of the twelfth level, but that would be going too far with the joke.

The Vatican has promised to purge all 5s from the cardinalate.

Then again, Francis is said to model himself on General Juan Domingo Perón, although presumably without the same fondness for fascism and love of torture. I must admit I would never have dared write anything quite so rude about the pope, but I am a mere novice at this satire game.

Yes, this new kid on the block, with his Francis is Redeemed blog, is writing some of the top Catholic humour of the day! Well done, man!

Bruvver Eccles, not an Eight, but a humble and dubious Five.

Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".

A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Come on, let's Bergoglio!

A tribute to Richard Dawkins

Last week saw the 72nd birthday of Professor Richard Dawkins, scientist, theologian and comedian; we are happy to reprint some tributes to the great man, which we found hidden away on http://www.richarddawkins.net/.

FACT: Dawkins shares his birthday with Fred Karno, inventor of the custard-pie gag.

Richard, I was a devout Catholic until the age of three, when my teddy-bear's head fell off. I prayed for it to be mended, but nothing happened. At that point I realised that God was an illusion, and that the Bible was a tissue of lies. Thank you for letting me share my pain with the world, so that no more three-year-olds suffer as I did. S. Fry.

Richard answers: Well, that sums up the whole fallacy of Christianity, doesn't it? Thank you for sharing those wise words with us.

Nancy Pelosi, a strong opponent of Catholic teaching, also shares Richard's birthday.

Dear Professor Dawkins, I just saw a bus go by with the message THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD on it. Genius! I'll bet that Julian of Norwich and Thomas à Kempis never thought of that one! If only they'd known of your brilliant arguments, they'd never have wasted their lives as they did. P. Toynbee.

Richard answers: Yes, they tell me I am very good at presenting powerful slogans without any distracting attempts at justifying them!

And Pierre Boulez, another misunderstood genius.

Dear Mr Dawkins we read the God Delusion at school, and it is so clever when it says that bringing kids up as Catholics is like child abuse. Also when you talk of sky fairies and men in dresses I see just how stupid it is to believe in God. My teacher tells me that you are a very clever man who invented genes, and so I know that what you said must be true. A. Grayling (aged 9).

Richard answers: Yes, your teacher is right, I am a very clever man. Well done.

Leonard Nimoy, another cult figure, shares Richard's birthday.

Richard, will you stop wasting your time on that dreadful egotistical website. The chicken has escaped again, and K9 needs a walk. Love, Lalla.

Richard answers: Yes, dear, of course.

Also, William Hague, Foreign Secretary.

Infidel dog of a Dawkins, I hurl my shoes in your general direction. Unclean pig of an atheist, beware lest you suffer the death of a thousand cuts! Best regards, Abu McTavish.

Richard answers: Oh dear, have we been hacked again?

Anti Moly's birfday

My Anti Moly has had an important birfday. I aint supposed to say which one it is, but she got tellegrams from the Queen, de Govenror-Generall, Dame Edna Everage, Rolf Harrass, and Shane Worn, dat aint bad since de only one on de list wot knows her is Rolf. De tellegram from Cradinal Pell must have got lost in de post.

De Queen forgot to fill in de date, I expect she was too busy.

"Eccles, we is goin out for a cellebratoin, and I is gonna show you de best Austrialan ciusine," said my dere Anti. So she booked us a table at de leadin Pottymouth restaurant, "Maisson Boomerang," so called because your food usaully comes back again a few hours later.

Anti Moly had a luvly twelve-course meal of kangaroo suop, fried oppossum, wallabby stew, roast wombat, koalla bear pie, emu curry, haddock, crockodile, giant barracuda and many other dellicacies washed down wiv gallons of gin. For me she chose de "bush ticker" optoin, of live witchetty grubbs, spiders, weevils, mouse tales, etc. washed down wiv staggnant water fresh from de billaboing. She spoils me, she really does, and it makes up for de dog food and bons dat she gave me when I first got here.

Den we sang tradditoinal Austrialan songs, like "Waltzin MacKillop," "Tie me sockpuppets down, sport," and "De Cradinal wot loved me" (dat's a new one I didn't know) until dey frew us out into de street.

After dis grate feast we is both feelin a little ill, I cant fink why.

Bosco's feast

De cellebrations of Bosco's birfday continnues, dis is like de Lords feast dat we is invited to as we is savved, and Bosco says we gotta practice by eatin a lot.

As you may know, Bosco is obssesed by a dame called Hilda, and he gits very confussed and says dat it is me sometimes. So I fuoght I would help him wiv dis probblem. Since we aint far from Holywood, I mannaged to book an acttress to come along and say she was de leggendry Hilda wot Bosco is seekin. Dis acttress is a very big girl.

Bosco invitted her out to de resteruant, where de sing says "Be greedy, eat what you wants for $17. Disscount if you is saved."

Dis was what Bosco ate:

Pasta Dave.
Leftover stew, made with food dat's been saved.
"Cement" doves wiv gravy in image.
St Peter's rock cakes.
Donuts a la Damain Thopmson.
Chocolate Boscoits in a lake of fire.

De actress Hilda had a meal which makes me fink she aint saved. It was suet puddin dumplins deep fried puddins frenchfries whole roast pig wiv an apple in de mouf whole roast sperm whale wiv a shark in its mouf six fried hippopotamuses and (dis is de healthy opttion) a lettice leaf.

She's a big girl and no mistake, and Bosco put a pitcher of her on his blogg, sayin dat she was his girlfiend. I fink Camila gonna be very cross when she knows about dis.

We got Bosco a new costtume for goin to de Calumny Chappel, it is to disguisse de fact dat he have put on a lot of weihgt.

I gonna finnish wiv a happy pitcher of Anti Moly walking her new dogg. We aint got a name for it yet. When she calls it she screems "Sockpoppet", but den she screems dat at everyone.

Bosco's birfday pressent

It was Bosco's birfday, and now dat de banddages was off Bosco was able to enjoy it to de full. I had saved up my monney and buoght Bosco a lovely religuos arttifact, viz a stattue of St Peter for de gardden. Bosco he was not very pleased by dis, he said it was an iddle and he knokced de head off.

Here is Bosco's birfday pressent after he got cross wiv it.

"Dat stuppid Eccles he aint never got de hang of iddles," he said. "He finks de saccred dove of de Callumny Chappel dat we bows down to is an iddle, and he dont recognise a real blashpemy when he sees it. He aint gonna be saved liked me."

Dem's creul words Bosco, and what's more he still seems to think I is called Hilda, dats crazzy. We was gonna frow de stattue out, but Grate-Anti Moly said she mihgt have a use for it, and she got a scluptor to make a new head to her own dessign.

"Dat's luvvly," she said. "You can see dat he is a pius saintly wise pusson, not like dem traddie Cathlics."

She sez it is de cellebrity blogger Cuttley. What's more he have written a best-sellin commic novell and will be visitin Lost Angels soon to sing coppies of it. But Bosco sez he aint saved.