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I think this is self-explanatory.

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Scalfari interviews Satan

The scene: Hell. Satan is relaxing in a comfortable chair. Suddenly the late Eugenio Scalfari materialises before him.

Satan: Ah, Scalfari. How nice to see you. Do you know who I am?

Scalfari: Hmm, a strong smell of brimstone, an atmosphere of evil. Of course! I am in the archdiocese of Chicago, and you must be Blase Cupich!

Satan: Well, nearly right. In fact, you've died and gone to Hell. My name is Satan. How are you? Apart from being dead, I mean.

Our ace reporter.

Scalfari: Fine, thanks. Now what's going on?

Satan: Well, I thought we could make your stay in Hell more comfortable if we put you to some use. Would you mind interviewing me?

Scalfari: Well, I seem to have got my hearing back, so that would make things go more smoothly. I won't have to make things up.

Satan: No problem if you do. After all, I am the Father of Lies.

Scalfari: But why do you need to be interviewed, anyway? You have regular columns in America magazine, the National Catholic Reporter, and the Tablet...

Satan: Also I'm a regular contributor to Where Peter Is and a few other Catholic blogs! Still, all publicity is evil publicity, as we say down here. Now, start asking questions.

Scalfari: So what exactly are your religious beliefs?

Satan: Well, in fact I'm a devout Catholic, although of course I feel that doctrine needs to evolve.

Scalfari: Do you receive communion?

Satan: No, unfortunately, I am confined to Hell. Still, I do have many agents on the Earthly Plane. Blase. Jimbo. Fat Arthur. Joe. Nancy... They sell me their souls and I give them great power and success. How else do you think such no-hopers got so far?

"Now remember, today's code phrase is 'Nighty-night, baby'."

Scalfari: I see. All these absurd cardinals that Pope Francis keeps creating?

Satan: We don't make it too obvious. One or two genuine Catholics are kept on the list as well. Although we took care to delete Chaput, Cordileone, and a few others who looked too dangerous.

Scalfari: Great. Now, any comments for our readers on Traditionis Custodes, which is coming up to its first anniversary?

Satan: The idea came to Pope Francis in a dream - well, I put it there. How best to cause division in the Catholic Church, other than by persecuting all the people who worshipped in the traditional way?

There is a knock on the door and a servant enters.

Satan: Ah, Pachamama! Two teas, please! With added brimstone.

"Have a nice cup of tea."

---

Thanks to Johann du Toit for an idea.

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

How to be a Good Pope 5

Continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. and Part 4.

The story so far: you have issued a spicy exhortation Appassionata Erotica, in which you and your ghost-writers put forward several controversial opinions. It is deliberately confusing, and, whatever it is you're trying to say, it's certainly not what was agreed at the Synod you held last year.

Pope John XXII - also knew a thing or two about inventing new doctrines.

Feeling unloved, you have also decided to create some new cardinals, for which the main criterion you use is not "Is he a good Catholic?" but "Is he a yes-man?" Accordingly some very strange people, including Cardinals Farrago, Kewpie, and Toblerone, are now ready to become princes of the Church, as you approach the end of the Jubilee Year of Hospitality.

However, all is not well. A few months ago, some of your most respected cardinals wrote to you, asking whether you were still a Catholic. Apparently they had come to the conclusion that some of the opinions stated in Appassionata Erotica, if interpreted by a sufficiently mischievous person - say, a Jesuit - were quite possibly heretical. So they posed a few test questions to give you a chance to clear your name. Such questions are called "dubia", and any truly conscientious pope is expected to respond to them.

Pope St John-Paul II replies to dubia.

However, you are now in a real dilemma. Your own Jesuit training has taught you never to give a straight answer to a straight question. At Jesuit seminary it was: "Do you renounce evil, Fr Antonio?" "Well, I'd like to answer that question in two ways: first, by calling you names, and secondly, by running away."

So, as a good pope, you ignore the cardinals' letter - pretend, perhaps that it was lost in the post. Anyway, you have far more important duties as pope: there are still several groups of Catholics that you never got round to insulting, so, as a distraction, you call young devotees of the Latin Mass "rigid", and question the mental health of anyone who dares to ask you for clarification on any matter at all.

Meanwhile, your cronies will be describing Appassionata Erotica as "magisterial" and "part of the depoisit of faith", even "necessary for salvation", in spite of the fact that it is not even an encyclical like your famous Phew Wottascorcha on the environment, but merely an apostolic exhortation loosely based on what you wish the Synod had actually agreed.

Meanwhile, your attack dogs are slavering at the mouth...

Your pet pooch, Fr Wormtongue, attacks the cardinals who wrote to you.

Now, there is a real problem here, as you need to hold a consistory, before which you would meet your cardinals. They are getting increasingly disrespectful, and you expect embarrassing questions like "Did you get our letter, chum?" and "Haven't you resigned yet?"

The answer is simple - cancel the pre-consistory meeting!

However, if the cardinals responsible for the dubia are really serious about upholding the Catholic faith (sheesh! we thought that this sort of thing ended with Vatican II) then they may even go so far as to issue a formal "act of correction". So you'd better stuff some copies of Appassionata Erotica down the back of your cassock, Holy Father, in case someone comes round with a big stick!

Where's that naughty pope got to?

More wise advice in due course, no doubt.

Pope Francis makes a cardinal error

The Catholic Church was reeling in shock and dismay today, as it was announced that Pope Francis had decided to appoint Archbishop Blase Cupich - a man so liberal that he makes Vincent Nichols look like a reincarnation of Pope Pius V - as a cardinal.

"Sorry, folks, I seem to have made a boo-boo there," laughed the Holy Father. "My friend Thomas Rosica played a little joke on me, by crossing off the name of Archbishop Chaput from the list I had originally prepared and writing in 'Cupich'. Since I didn't have my glasses on, I never even noticed! The names were so much alike!"

"Cupich? I asked for Chaput!"

Cupich, of course, is known for his very weak pro-life credentials - it is said that Hillary Clinton wanted him as her vice-president - and indeed he discouraged his priests from participating in demonstrations against Planned Parenthood (now renamed "Baby Parts 'R' us"), or from supporting 40 Days for Life.

Some of the Holy Father's other appointments are equally bizarre, notably Archbishop Farrell, who was awarded his red hat for extreme sycophancy.

Kevin Farrell - the only man who is not confused by Pope Francis.

Still, it is said that Caligula made his horse Incitatus a consul, David Cameron scrounged an O.B.E. for Isabel Spearman, his wife's hair stylist, and Harold Wilson obtained a peerage for his secretary Marcia Williams, so there are definitely precedents for this unusual appointment. The pope's dentist will have to wait until next time.

The list of new cardinals contains several who are from the third world, including the splendidly-named Dieudonné Nzapalainga of Bangui, Central African Republic. It is believed he was included in the hope that his arrival would cause Cardinal Kasper to have an apoplectic fit. However, this has not yet happened.

Dieudonné Nzapalainga - looking forward to a punch-up with Walter Kasper.

Pokémon Go - catch those cardinals!

Yes, it's the new game that's sweeping the Catholic Church - Pokémon Go! The rules are very simple: scattered around the world are 212 funny little creatures known as "cardinals" and your job is to "catch" them all!

Theresa May takes time off her busy schedule to catch the cheeky Nicol.

The Pokémon cardinals can turn up in a variety of odd places - some have even been sighted in churches wandering around in circles trying to decide whether to face east or west. The greatest density of the creatures is in Rome, but nowhere - however unlikely - can be ruled out. The Baldisseri was seen playing "Chopsticks" on the piano at the London Oratory, while others have been seen hiding (badly) among dancing girls.

Another sighting! The tubby creature known as Donut.

To "catch" a cardinal, you need to go up to him and give him the "kiss of peace". This can be anything from a formal handshake to a full-scale passionate hug. But be careful! These funny creatures like to hide (except for some, who seem to be everywhere).

He's behind you! Old Kaspa hides from Pokémon-addict Thomas Rosica.

Pope Francis is known to be a Pokémon fan, but this is mainly so that he can keep track of his cardinals and block them from any liturgical practices that date from before Vatican II. Other celebrity Catholics regularly seen hunting for cardinals include Damian Thompson, Tina Beattie ("only 3 of the cardinals are actually women" she complains), and even Michael Voris. But the game is not limited to Catholics, and many others are becoming addicted to it...

"I've got one!" A Hindu holy man joins in the fun.

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

Boris throws his hat in the ring

Boris Johnson, currently the Mayor of London, has announced that he intends to stand for the position of Pope in the next conclave: this may take place as soon as 2022 if Pope Francis takes early retirement at 86, as his predecessor did. Boris will then be a sprightly 58, the same age as Pope John-Paul II was when he took office.

Boris takes advice on what popes actually do.

According to the Tablet, the fact that Boris is twice-married and not even a Catholic should not prove an obstacle to his election ("They're bound to change that sort of thing at the next synod"), but it is generally thought that he will need to find a "safe seat", by becoming a cardinal as soon as possible.

Will Cardinal Nichols give up his Westminster seat to Boris?

When Boris was previously interviewed by this blog about his religious opinions, he set forth his manifesto in no uncertain terms:

Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dawkins!

Boris practises a papal gesture.

Several recent popes have become saints, and Boris's ambitions are such that he expects to follow in their footsteps. "I've heard good reports of Heaven," he says, "and it sounds like a terrific place to pop off to, after shuffling off the old mortal coil. I'm not so keen on hanging around Purgatory like a buffoon trapped on a zip-wire, so I'm planning to give that one a miss and go straight to the Terminus!"

If you want to be a saint, get on your bike!

How to address the clergy

If you are reading this blog, you probably encounter clergy on a regular basis - whether Catholic, Anglican, Orthodox, or something else - and indeed you may even be a person of the cloth. However, you may not be precisely sure how to address them, and how to treat them.

A deacon or "Reverend Mister". Often he has a second job, e.g., burglar.

Deacons are customarily accorded the "Reverend" title, which means that they should be revered, or held in reverence. When two deacons meet, they say things like "Oh how I revere you!" or "No, I revere you more than you revere me!" Of course being a deacon doesn't make you immune to hypocrisy (you have to be a bishop to achieve that level of purity): I once knew one who had enough planks in his eyes to make an entire shed.

Murder at the vicarage! All in a day's work for a priest!

So we come onto the priesthood, where again "reverence" is the appropriate reaction. Priests come across many sins in their daily round, of which murder is perhaps the most common. The priest above was an Anglican, but the same applies to Catholic priests, of course. Some (particularly the Catholic priests) are addressed as "Father". Not "Dad", not "Pop", just "Father".

Fr Brown. (The raised umbrella on a dry day is a liturgical error.)

After that it gets complicated. There are lots of clergy with titles such as Canon Street, Metropolitan Line, Marble Archdeacon, etc. but I think we'll move straight on to Monsignor.

Mgr Ronald Knox. What is it about the clergy and crime?

These chaps used to be regarded as Very Reverend, or in some circumstances Right Reverend, but have now been downgraded to "Reverend". Since future Monsignors will have to be at least 105 years of age, it won't matter how you address them as they won't be able to hear you anyway.

Bishops, then...

You address a bishop as "My Lord", although they are also "Right Reverend". This shows that they are the bosses, are always right, and should obeyed under all circumstances. In return for your squirming in their presence, they undertake always to be loyal to the Pope, the Queen, the Magnificent Archdruid of the Luminous Feet, or whatever the big cheese in their church is called.

Four young members of the dissident group ACTA, turned away by a faithful bishop.

Archbishops are a bit more senior. I was told "Say 'Your Grace', Eccles, when you meet Archbishop Nichols," but the poor man looked disconcerted when I began "For what we are about to receive..." So this one is a mystery to me.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor ("His Eminence").

Cardinals are "His Eminence" or "Your Eminence". This is a bit of a come-down, really, as being "eminent" is less impressive than being "reverend", surely. It's not much better than just being a celebrity, like Eminem. Still, these are the princes of the Church, so should be regarded as eminent in the same way, as, say, Prince Harry.

A Pope, with birds of pray.

Popes are very busy men, asked to give many off-the-cuff newspaper interviews in addition to their ecclesiastical responsibilities. If you meet a pope - perhaps performing papal duties at your local bird sanctuary - call him "Your Holiness". This is to emphasise that he's not merely eminent, like a cardinal, but is in many ways a saved person. If he then says "Bless you!" it would be discourteous to point out that you didn't sneeze.

Signs that the world is ending

We live in remarkable times. Here are some signs that the End of the World may be at hand.

Pigs fly.

More surprising than that:

Hell freezes over.

Moreover:

It really is once in a Blue Moon.

And, most surprising of all:

Vincent Nichols is appointed Cardinal.

Congratulations, your Eminence.

♬ God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm. ♬

God, moving in a mysterious way.

Since we have already blogged on Vincent Nichols's irresistible rise, there is no more to be said now.

Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".

A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Come on, let's Bergoglio!

The bouncing pope

Pope Francis has revealed that he was once employed as a bouncer.

Pope Francis in his younger days.

The Holy Father worked in a variety of locations in his native Argentina. For example, as a very junior priest, he would say "Go, the Mass is ended" at the end of a service, and woe betide anyone who refused to leave promptly: they might find themselves leaving on all fours.

Later, as Cardinal Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Francis made it his particular concern to stand at the door of the cathedral as people went in for Mass. Once in a while he would block someone's entry with an "Oi! You! You're a self-absorbed promethean neopelagian! Beat it, before I beat it for you!" followed by a "Bless you" as the erring worshipper hurriedly beat a retreat.

Pelagius - had his teeth smashed in by Augustine of Hippo.

It is not commonly known, but many papal conclaves have concluded with trials of physical strength: it doesn't matter too much if a pope keeps confusing St Peter with St Paul - the names are very much alike - but it is necessary for him to be able to fight off rival contenders for the throne of St Paul. I mean Peter.

Pope Francis wrestles Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor into submission.

Only orthodox fighting methods are allowed in the Vatican: for example the ancient art of Hans Kung Fu is regarded as heretical, as is hitting one's opponent in the face with a quiche (or Flannery, as it is called).

Cardinals train regularly.

Meanwhile, Catholic priests are urged to keep themselves in peak physical condition: in particular, if anyone arrives at their church carrying a guitar, he should be firmly prevented from entering, as indeed should anyone who is dressed for liturgical dancing. You have been warned.

Bishop John Robinson represented the Anglicans against the Catholics in the 1970s.

God gets Nobel prize, but Dawkins never existed

Theologians and scientists were equally excited today, as the Nobel Committee announced that the 2013 prize for Physics would be awarded to God.

The tracks of the God Particle (a.k.a. the Higgs Boson).

Press reports at first claimed that the prize was to be award to Professor Peter Higgs, the physicist who first conjectured that there was a missing particle, and, surprisingly, that like him it was called "Higgs". But when it was pointed out that this was the particle without which Mass was impossible, it became clear that in fact God Himself was involved.

Religious leaders were quick to point out that the very idea of a large hadron collider, which involves bodies going round in circles, crashing into other bodies and emitting energy, is based on various well-known church concepts, for example, a synod, or a conclave of cardinals.

Cardinals colliding under experimental conditions.

God has decided to make a statement concerning His Nobel prize, and has broken tradition by refusing to talk directly to a prophet who might take down His words verbatim and make a book out of them. Instead, He has given an interview to an Italian journalist. Unfortunately, the journalist was somewhat deaf and didn't catch everything the "still small voice of calm" was saying. Moreover, his pencil broke (he had not come to grips with modern technology), and so he had to reconstruct the interview from memory.

Apart from that, the interview was a great success, although it is not clear whether God really said: "All this Good and Evil stuff is over-rated, the important thing is to have fun," words which have shocked traditionalists.

---

In other news, American Biblical scholar Joseph Atwill has claimed that the comedy atheist, Richard Dawkins, never existed, and his entire story was fabricated by Christians wishing to discredit atheism.

The "floating head" miracle - obviously a fake.

Said Atwill: "We have obtained confessions from a group of Christians, which make it clear that the patently absurd life story of Dawkins was just a propaganda exercise on their behalf. The entity known as 'Dawkins' has been constructed by combining obviously meaningless comments on religion with computer images. It's just surprising that it actually fooled anyone for more than a few moments, but people will always believe what they want to believe."

A "debate" with Cardinal Pell - the wonky Dawkins image is a clear sign of a forgery.

The purpose of the Dawkins Hoax is obvious - as a result, Christian belief is stronger than ever before, and even Islam is experiencing a revival as a result of the straw-man criticisms made by "Dawkins". It has led sceptical people to wonder whether there are other fabricated "celebrities" operating - surely preposterous creations such as Stephen Fry cannot be real?