"Name that Pope" World Cup

There has been too much speculation over who will be the next man in the hot seat - from seven lists that I have seen, the most-nominated people are:

Erdő, Parolin 6,
Tagle 5,
Turkson, Zuppi 4,
Besungu, Bo, Eijk, Pizzaballa, Prevost, Sarah 3,

so it probably won't be any of those.

Time for another Pope Linus?

Instead, we're holding a World Cup to see whether we can guess the name that the next Pope will take. The obvious choice is Eccles, but in fact the 24 nominees are:

Adrian
Alexander
Benedict
Boniface
Clement
Eugene
Felix
Francis
Gregory
Innocent
John
John-Paul
Julius
Leo
Martin
Nicholas
Paul
Peter
Pius
Sergius
Sixtus
Stephen
Theodore
Urban

and if we are quick we can get a decision in time for the white smoke.

Some people will never be happy.

---

SEMIFINALS

John 48.9 v Leo 51.1

Clement 40.4 v Gregory 59.6

FINAL

Leo 50.0 v Gregory 50.0

A dead heat. Let's leave it as that. The next pope is going to be Leo XIV or Gregory XVII (unless he's not very good at Roman numerals).

ADDENDUM: Well, those who said Leo XIV got it right!

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout Catholic^TM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.

Government plans to regulate Sunday schools

The Department of Education is expanding its plans to register and inspect Sunday schools using OFCHURCH, the government office that already ensures that church services preach inclusivity, equality, diversity, British values, etc. and as little religion as possible. From now on, there will be a national curriculum, and all Sunday school teaching will be strictly controlled.

This is allowed, as it celebrates biodiversity and warns against climate change.

All Bible stories, games, and children's drawing and colouring will be strictly monitored, and if a church fails to comply with government guidelines, then it can be closed down without warning. The above picture is permitted, but those containing a serious religious message will be forbidden.

This picture is banned under the "prevention of terrorism" legislation of 1558.

However, it is not just Sunday schools that are under threat. Scouts, guides and cubs, for example, are another target. "DYB DYB DYB?" What kind of message is that for modern Britain, especially as "Do your best" is an exclusive and elitist mantra, discriminating against those who have chosen a slothful lifestyle! OFCHURCH recommends "DWYL DWYL DWYL" ("Do whatever you like"), as something that cannot be offensive to anyone.

Rainbow groups (ages 5 to 7) are still encouraged. Can you guess why?

It is expected that the Department of Education will soon be undertaking a complete overhaul of churches' liturgy, to remove all controversial aspects. For the time being, Latin masses will be exempt, as nobody in the civil service knows what they mean, and anyway, if we are going to preach diversity by supporting the African and Asian communities, we must also respect the rights of those such as Fr John Hunwicke whose first language is Latin. However, don't rely on this continuing.

Boris throws his hat in the ring

Boris Johnson, currently the Mayor of London, has announced that he intends to stand for the position of Pope in the next conclave: this may take place as soon as 2022 if Pope Francis takes early retirement at 86, as his predecessor did. Boris will then be a sprightly 58, the same age as Pope John-Paul II was when he took office.

Boris takes advice on what popes actually do.

According to the Tablet, the fact that Boris is twice-married and not even a Catholic should not prove an obstacle to his election ("They're bound to change that sort of thing at the next synod"), but it is generally thought that he will need to find a "safe seat", by becoming a cardinal as soon as possible.

Will Cardinal Nichols give up his Westminster seat to Boris?

When Boris was previously interviewed by this blog about his religious opinions, he set forth his manifesto in no uncertain terms:

Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dawkins!

Boris practises a papal gesture.

Several recent popes have become saints, and Boris's ambitions are such that he expects to follow in their footsteps. "I've heard good reports of Heaven," he says, "and it sounds like a terrific place to pop off to, after shuffling off the old mortal coil. I'm not so keen on hanging around Purgatory like a buffoon trapped on a zip-wire, so I'm planning to give that one a miss and go straight to the Terminus!"

If you want to be a saint, get on your bike!

Dawkins reads us a fairy story

"Read me a fairy story, Uncle Richard," said Polly, age 6. "I need to improve my critical thinking before bedtime."

Kind Uncle Richard.

"Certainly, darling," replied her kind uncle. "That's what fairy stories are for. Would you like the funny one about the selfish gene, or the scary tale of the blind watchmaker?"

"Oh no, uncle," exclaimed the little girl. "Can we have the story of Dr Know-All? Or the story of the Professor's New Clothes?"

A bit too close to home...

"Well, I could read you something from my autobiography, I suppose," said the learned professor. "There's the fascinating story of how I spent twenty minutes reading the Bible and became an instant expert on theology."

"No, that's too fantastical. I know, let's have Snow White!"

Christians* will tell you that Snow White's story was literally true.

*Or possibly just Sola Scriptura Christians.

"Yes, all right. Once upon a time there was an evil pope, with a magic mirror. He would ask it daily, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the brainiest of them all?' and the mirror would reply 'You are, O Pope.'

But one day, the mirror gave a different answer. 'O Pope, you are indeed very clever, and you have read the Bible, the works of Augustine and Aquinas, and even the Vatican II documents. But there is a young man called Snow Dawkins, who is yet cleverer than you!'

A FACE appears in the pope's magic mirror.

So the pope determines to dispose of Snow Dawkins, and tells a huntsman to take him into the woods and kill him. But the huntsman, who is an atheist and therefore much kinder and compassionate than Christians are, abandons him alive in the woods.

After wandering around, Snow Dawkins comes to a hut inhabited by seven dwarves, called Grayling, Toynbee, Sanderson, Harris, Pullman, Hawking, and Fry. They sing a jolly song, "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, it's off to church we go!" since, like Snow Dawkins, they claim to be secular Christians and cultural Anglicans (not to mention atheist Muslims, militant Buddhists, and bullfighting Hindus).

In a cultural, secular way, Dawkins and friends follow the Egyptian gods too.

Later, the magic mirror tells the evil pope that Snow Dawkins is still alive and doing very brainy experiments in his hut in the woods. He disguises himself as an old man and gives Snow Dawkins a poisoned apple. Of course, Snow Dawkins is very intelligent and knows instantly that the apple is poisoned; nonetheless he eats the apple as part of a much deeper plan, such as only an atheist could think of.

Something told Dawkins that the apple was unsafe to eat.

When the dwarves return, they place Snow Dawkins in a glass coffin. Now Polly, dear, this is obviously where the Bible story of Jesus originated: we clever atheists know that Jesus wasn't really dead, and anyway he never existed. It was a sky fairy tale told by bronze-age goatherds, who didn't have the critical abilities of a 21st-century professor of biology.

To continue - the dwarves carry Snow Dawkins to the evil pope's palace, where the shaking dislodges the apple from his throat, and he recovers. Enraged by the failure of his plan the evil pope drops dead.

So Dawkins marries a handsome princess - well, three altogether, at various times - and lives happily ever after."

"What a lovely story, Uncle Richard!"

"Now I do hope this story is not fostering supernaturalism in your mind, Polly, dear?"

"Oh no, Uncle, it has simply helped me develop critical thinking, and to learn to see through a certain class of falsehoods. Now I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... I-am-an-unquestioning-atheist... zzzz...."

Zzzzzzz....

New Pope criticised on all sides

Jerusalem, AD 33. Pope Peter, the new occupant of the Chair of St Peter, has been severely criticised both by traditional and liberal commentators following his taking office two weeks ago.

Pope Peter - a new era for the church?

Since the departure of Jesus, last seen mysteriously disappearing into a cloud, Pope Peter is now the leader of several hundred Catholics worldwide, all of whom are waiting to see in which direction he will take the Church.

Traditionalist bloggers, led by Roar at Galilee, have already criticised Pope Peter on the following grounds:

1. He has abandoned the tradition of walking on water, probably because he is not very good at it.

2. He seems unwilling to celebrate Masses in Latin, preferring a modernist Aramaic service.

3. Following a rather sordid incident involving a cock crowing, Pope Peter has been accused of complicity with the repressive Pontius Pilate junta.

4. So far Peter has refused to wear the traditional halo.

Roar at Galilee has called for a return to the age of miracles, saying that what Pope Peter needs is a little more Spirit. With Pentecost rapidly approaching, it will be interesting to see whether the new pope can satisfy such critics.

Meanwhile, liberal Catholics are equally disappointed. The Tablistines People's Front (Pepinster, Curti, Beattie, Stourton, ...) has observed with dismay that the new Pope is showing himself distinctly reluctant to embrace abortion, euthanasia, same-sex relationships or women apostles. "I feel let down - I only joined the Catholic church for way-out sex and violence," complained one Tablistine.

Ed Stourton, who has complained that a baboon keeps peering through his window.

At this stage the general feeling is one of disappointment. It is clear that Peter will not be able to match the record of his illustrious predecessor: nonetheless, some have said that dropping the "King of Kings" role and presenting the Pope as a simple fisherman may be just what is needed to increase the popularity of the Church.

Simple fish and chips - a dish fit for a modern 1st century Pope.

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?

The worst Church buzzwords

In response to Fr Lucie-Smith's Catholic Herald article listing ten words and phrases that should be banned from religious life (e.g. "elephant in the room," "outreach" and "guideline"), we have asked a more liberal "Doctor of Immoral Theology" to provide a list of buzzwords that annoy him.

---

A traddy priest aggressively wearing a biretta

biretta: in the modern church there is no place for old-fashioned vestments (terms like "chasuble" and "maniple" are equally verboten). It is best if a priest shows that he is no different from other people, so saying Mass in jeans and tee-shirt is recommended. Perhaps a discreet clip-on dog-collar if you want to show you're "staff."

hermeneutic: anyone using this obscure piece of jargon (and that includes Popes who should know better!) marks himself out as someone who is not fully committed to the ideals of Vatican II. If the church is to proceed to ordain women as priests, to endorse abortion and euthanasia, and to allow gays to marry in church - all explicitly recommended by Vatican II - then we need to crush rebels who stand in our way.

kneeling: a most unhealthy custom, leading to arthritis and lumbago. Churches should withdraw all kneeling facilities, and allow the customers to sit down throughout the Mass (perhaps standing for hymns, to allow self-expression by waving arms and doing the occasional jig).

The Last Supper. Only one traddy apostle is kneeling!

Latin: Do we need to say more? The language of Satan. Banned by Vatican II. Who wants to hear a Mass in which abominations such as de gustibus non est disputandum or caveat emptor can be found? Or even veni, vidi, vici?

novena: not a decent English word, is it? All to do with praying on nine consecutive days - if that's not a sign of obsessiveness, we don't know what is!

Gregorian chant: Largely done away with, and replaced by the pioneering work of the blessed Paul Inwood, but it still survives in some pockets of resistance. Ugh. Moreover, Graham Kendrick tells us that he feels insulted that people are attempting to introduce Fulge, Jesu, Fulge as a Gregorian chant.

Pope Gregory I - you can see that he's up to no good

consubstantial: A word re-introduced into the new English translation of the liturgy. Not a word you'll hear in the street! "I hear you're feeling a little consubstantial, Mrs Peppermint! Aren't the tablets working?" What nonsense!

fasting: These days we don't fast, or eat fish on Fridays, or regard Lent as a special period of abstinence. It smacks of an eating disorder if you don't tuck into a healthy Jumbo Offalburger on Fridays (unless, of course, you are a vegetarian, in which case we truly respect your sincere beliefs, but do make sure you get enough calories). Lent's a period for stuffing ourselves with Easter eggs - why do you suppose they are in the shops at that time?

Pope: A chauvinist old fogey in Rome too full of his own distasteful ideas. Don't mention him in polite circles! The word "Vatican" is equally taboo, unless followed by "II."

God: Too controversial a figure in the modern Catholic church. If we are to be able to dialogue with atheists and Anglicans, we must not insist on this. If we must refer to a possibly nonexistent supernatural creator, then the term "sky-fairy" is recommended. We don't want Diarmaid McCulloch or Stephen Fry to laugh at us!

Not a necessary part of modern Catholic theology

A day in the life of Damain Thopmson

A blood-crazed ferret

I shudder into wakefulness as my alarm clock rings (today it plays my friend James MacMillan's cantata "The Lord smote Glasgow Rangers"). Giving my teddy-bear, Benedict, a quick hug, I leap out of bed and get dressed. Breakfast is a simple affair of cupcakes and coffee.

Telegraph cupcakes. Can you spot Cristina Odone, Tim Stanley and Ed West?

Of course on Sundays I omit breakfast and go straight to the Oratory to look for liberal and modernist tendencies in the Latin Mass, but on weekdays I go to Telegraph Towers where I hold the highly important job of Editor of Telegraph Blogs. This means that all the bloggers kow-tow to me, bring me cupcakes, and laugh at my jokes. The only person I have to fear is the Telegraph's Editor, Tony Gallagher, who is a West Ham United fan, and regularly says things like "I don't like your face, Thompson, you little squirt. Beat it!" But now I've stopped blogging on religious topics, he doesn't kick me so often.

One big happy family of bloggers

Like most journalists, I spend most of the morning reading the papers, insulting people on Twitter, and swapping silly jokes. But Friday is my big day, as I have to write a Saturday column for the Telegraph's distinguished readership of London lawyers and retired colonels. So I look for pictures of fat people with silly hair or strange clothes, and weave a hilarious (or as my brainy friend Tom Chivers says "an hilarious") narrative about them.

Arthur Roche, always good for a laugh

The lost sheep?

My Telegraph column also provides the material for a very witty blog. It attracts comments from the intellectual elite, who post under names like GI Joe, Mahatmacoatmabag, An Aussie Carrot, Chap With Wings, Molybdenite, Cutley in Florence, Ernest Chaussette, and The Great Stalin. Most of these names are real, but I suspect that one or two may be made up!

Well, the day draws on, and in the evening there are many options open to me. Sometimes I stand outside Victoria station selling copies of my new book The Fix to commuters. "Big issue!" I shout, as I think that addiction is indeed a big issue for all of us. Many commuters agree, and some are so impressed that they give me 50p, saying "Get yourself some tea, young man," without even taking a copy of my book.

Did I mention that I have written a book?

This is the book of which the great Clive James, writing in the prestigious Wallamaloo Possum-Breeder's Gazette said "Some wonderful books have been written on the subject of addiction. If you want something totally different, try this book instead." Praise indeed, I'm sure you'll agree!

Another thing I may do in the evening is go home to Notting Hill, and play one of my 50,000 CDs. I am a very cultured chap, and I have 94 recordings of James MacMillan's Orchestral Variations on Donald, where's yer troosers? Often I lie in my bath, playing games with my plastic duck, Donata, and singing along to James's immortal music.

Before I know it, it's 9 p.m. and time for bed. A quick anonymous phone call to one of my enemies (e.g. Austin Ivereigh or Johann Hari), with a burst of demonic laughter, and we've reached the end of a perfect day. Off to bed with my teddy-bear!

Good night, Damian!

A geust blogger, de Brad of Avon

It aint easy to keep writin spiritaully nuorishin fings about how Bosco and me is saved, and de Cathlics is all headin for de Lake of Fire, so I has got a geust blogger to do it for me todday.

Well, God's above all; and there be souls must be saved, and there be
souls must not be saved.
(Othello)

For mine own part,—no offence to the general, nor any man of quality,—
I hope to be saved.
(Othello)

Descend to darkness and the burning lake!
(Henry VI part II)

Enough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Quit presently the chapel, or resolve you
For more amazement. If you can behold it,
I'll make the statue move indeed, descend
And take you by the hand.
(Winter's Tale)

Boskos vauvado: I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
(All's Well That Ends Well)

But, good my brother,
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.
(Hamlet)

But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
(Hamlet)

Priest, beware your beard,
I mean to tug it and to cuff you soundly:
Under my feet I stamp thy cardinal's hat:
In spite of pope or dignities of church,
Here by the cheeks I'll drag thee up and down.
(Henry VI Part I)

Yet I alone, alone do me oppose
Against the pope and count his friends my foes.
(King John)

The piece of tender air, thy virtuous daughter,
Which we call 'mollis aer;' and 'mollis aer'
We term it 'mulier'.
(Cymbeline)

If there be more, more woeful, hold it in;
For I am almost ready to dissolve,
Hearing of this.
(King Lear)

Well, dat's all de Shakespere you needs to know. Dere is some uvver stuff no duobt, but it aint needed for Salivation.

Pop Bozodict

We had a good Chritsmas dinner, wiv a luvvly puddin, on which Anti Moly puored a whole bottle of branddy. She was verry cross dat it cuaght fire, but she soon put out de flames and we drank de rest of de puddin.

After dat we was all gettin a bit merry, and Bosco said dat he had finally ran out of pattience wiv de Pop, who is refussing to ressign in favour of a saved pusson. So he said we was gonna ellect a new Pop. De ellectoin was conductted by de very merry college of Cradinals (Bosco, Eccles, Anti Moly and Farver Arfur), and de votes was 2 for Bosco, 1 for Anti Moly, and 1 for Farver Arfur. I voted for Bosco and I fink de uvvers all voted for demselves.

At dis point Anti Moly said "Stuff dis for a lark, let de clown be Pop, I is goin for anuvver drink," and dat gave my bruvver de majoritty he needed. I fink dat's what happened in de Vattican, last time, as well - Cradinal Pell said "Strewth, I needs a tinnie of Chatteau Wallaby Clarret now. Let Cradinal Ratzigner have de jobb. Anyways, I gotta get away quick, cos I is bein stalked by an old lady from Adellaide. She's out dere in St Peter's Sqaure now, shoutin 'Coo-eee, Goerge!'"

At dat momment we relleased de white smok which proves dat we has got a new Pop. In fact it was Anti Moly's lapptop wot cuaght fire, I fink she spilt some branddy on it.

Bosco and me is currantly postin under alliases on Damain Thopmson's blogg. He is now Pop Bozodict, of course. I is callin myself "incongito" - dis is to confuse Farver Arfur, wot reports all my words of priase to de muddlerators. He cant stand de idea dat I is saved and he aint, cos he is a cosstume holly man. (But I finks he wont be in good stand-in much longer if de Pop in Rom reads dis blogg and finds out dat Arfur voted for an Anti-pop.)

Dat's Bosco in his brand new Pop vestmeants, I dont know what dere names is, fings like cossacks, chazebels and stoles, I fink dey is called. Don't he look handssome?

My bruvver Pop Bozodict has learnt dat Pops like writin fings called Pappal Bulls, dey doesnt use paper like de rest of us. I aint seen one of dem pappal bulls yet, but we did find a pitcher of an old Pop called Herbert goin to de bank to cash a check, so dat proves dat it must happen.

Farver Arfur says dat after Vattican II de Pops aint allowed to use bulls any more, but we is still checkin dis.

Bosco is lost

Dis is a very worryin state of affairs. We has lost my dere bruvver Bosco. So far I got at least three thoeries about his disapearrance, which is leavin de poor folks on Damain Thopmson's blogg wivout any spirritaul giudance.

1. He have been taken by de Rapture.

Dis is possible, as we knows dat he is saved. But if so, why was I (Eccles) left behind? I is saved too, aint I? And does dey do pussonal Raptures like dat? Still, it may explane why dese shoes of Boscos is steemin. I fought it was just dat his feet was always hot and smelly.

2. He have been eaten by Anti Moly.

My dere Anti have a lean and hunggry look sometimes, and she does eat some strange fings, but I don't fink she can have done dis wikced deed.

Here is my Anti Moly lookin inoccent, as if butter wuoldnt melt in her mouf (in fact dat was just a figger of speech, she have been known to melt lumps of iron in her mouf when she gets reely cross).

3. He is doin somefink holly like saved poeple does.

In his campaing to become de next Pop, Bosco have been tryin very hard to be holly, and maybe he have gone into de willderness. We is grate fans of John de Batpist, and I fink Bosco may have packed hisself a nuorishin food parcel of loccusts and wild honey, so dat he can go away and medittate on de sacred mytseries, viz how many ways are dere of cookin loccusts and honey?

De Calumny Chappel has offered a reward.

$1000 if you finds where Bosco is, and makes sure he stays there.

Here is a pitcher of Bosco as we last saw him. Dont he look so sweet and gentel?
I do hopes he turns up agin soon.

Screemin Pops

Well, you may have bin wonderin why my dere bruvver Bosco is keepin a low proffile at present, dats becuase he is busy on his campaing to save de Cathlic churhc by becommin de next Pop. As I explaned, he sent out letters to all de Cradinals wiv dis offer of Salivation:

ULLO COSTUME HOLY MAN, YOU AINT SAVED. VOTE BOSCO FOR POP!

He aint got many repplies yet, in fact de only one he got back was from someone called Cradinal Sockpope, who he didnt even write to. Dis Cradinal said "Git lost you pathettic sporn of Sattan," which suggests dat he probbably aint gonna vote for Bosco. What's more, we aint sure dat Cradinal Sockpope is a real person, anyway.

Bosco have been usin de resauces of Goggle and Wikkipedia to find out what Pops does when dey aint burnin poeple. He found dis pitcher by a lady called Frances Baccon, which is entittled "Screemin Pop".

We fink de Pop is bein drenched in hot water, dat's why he's screemin. Does Pops have to keep dere clothes on when dey takes a shower?

Meanhwile I has made a sclupture of my Anti Moly, which we puts in de gardden to scare away de crows. We dat is saved knows it aint reely an iddle, and so we doesnt kiss it. Come to think of it, de last time I kissed my Anti, she kicked me in de shins, so I doesnt do dat no more niether.

My Anti Moly has recorded a disc of her singin songs (she does dat in de bath), and I is advertisin it bellow. De procedes will go to Anti Moly's Gin Fund, which is a charitty aimed at keepin old ladies off de streets.

Don't be worried about de steem commin out of de top of her head, it happens quite often.

---

DE SOOTHIN SOUNDS OF MOLY BENDITE

ON SAIL NOW AT ALL GOOD RECCORD STORES

DE ANTI DOTE TO SCREEMIN POP SONGS