This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Argus gets into trouble again

As readers will surely know by now, the religious blogger, Jesus of Nazareth, recently suffered a hatchet job from the malicious giant Argus Panoptes.


Argus Panoptes, the giant with 100 eyes, attacks his victim.

The story is that Argus sent a rather slow-witted creature, Bill the Lizard, to torment our Lord by misrepresenting everything He said.

For example, when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, it is known that Martha, the dead man's sister, had commented "Lord, by this time he stinketh, for he is now of four days." In the capable journalistic hands of Bill the Lizard, this became "Jesus told me that he really hated raising people from the dead, because they were so smelly."

Lazarus comes back

At least I don't smell as bad as certain journalists.

On another occasion, Jesus is reported as having written on His blog: For the poor you have always with you: and whensoever you will, you may do them good: but Me you have not always. Argus's tame lizard rendered this as "Jesus told me that he had no time for the poor, and always told his disciples to kick them out into the street."

let down through roof

"... and it's really irritating to have sick people let down through the roof when I'm talking."

Fortunately, many bloggers have rushed to the defence of Jesus, including St Timothy the hermeneutic, St Timothy of Stanley, St Laurence of England, and even the eccentric St Z (and many others too numerous to name individually).

Finally, even Bishop Kieran has taken notice of these events, and given support in the way he knows best. "I must apologise for any offence given by Jesus Christ," he said. "Sometimes in his enthusiasm for religion he goes too far. Be reassured that there will be very few Catholic priests in my diocese who act like Jesus - at least not if I have anything to say in the matter!"

Bill the Lizard was unavailable for comment: it was believed that he had been been engaged in an errand of mercy, rescuing a child called Alice who had become trapped in a house. Unfortunately, she kicked him up the chimney when she knew who he was.

Bill the Lizard

Bill the Lizard finds that charitable acts aren't as easy as they seem.


  1. Daling eccles, good job Bill wasn't at the crucifixion. He'd probably have reported: 'And, as Jesus himself admitted, he is now finished. We shan't be hearing anything more from that failure". xx Jess

  2. I expect Bill would have been unimpressed with the feeding of the 5,000 also, asserting it was a publicity stunt to curry favor with the masses.

    And as for curing leopards of their spots, what about the Spotted Owl? Racism! Or would that be Genusism..?

    I could go on – and usually do – but I’ll refrain (cheers from the crowd…)

    1. Curry, curry??? I knew that guff about loaves and fishes was a pack of lies. Thanks for the tip.


    2. Dear me, Bill, you are still getting the wrong end of the stick.

      Not to worry though, I’m sure Eccles will get around to the NT when he’s done chronicling the OT…

      All will be made plain – even for Argus journalists!

  3. We have emailed the editor and the guilty reprobate twice and sent him demands for a merited apology for Fr Blake. Such bad manners. Please, everyone go for the jugular.

  4. Bill's next story is about The True Church Founder who attended a homophobic wedding & gave the couple extra boot-leg wine to keep the wedding feast going.

  5. Argus may have 100 eyes but he probably has no brain.

  6. Dear Sir,

    I find this one of the most insensitive blog posts I have ever read. My pet lizard Bill fell off the ceiling and drowned in my bowl of breakfast porridge today while I was making a cup of tea.

    Satire is all very well, but you people have no idea of the anguish that you cause through your insensitive remarks. You should think twice before posting this kind of so-called "humour" and just ask yourself how many people may have experienced a lizard tragedy before reading your blog. A helpline would be a useful addition.

    Yours, bereft and confused etc.

    Lizardless of Tunbridge Wells

    1. Dear Rabit

      I so agree - Eccles has been really insensitive since he started mixing with that southern riff-raff (and I include Hale Barns in that description by the way).


      Could you post me Bill's remains please - there is a shortage of newts at the moment, and I need a substitute for a spell I am currently making.

  7. The usual brilliant satire. Thanks awefuly orl ov yus.

  8. This is very irresponsible reporting, Eccles. Argus is an absolute sweetie - and I always give Juno a bell, and ask her to send him round to have a look when I have lost the keys to my chariot.