Pope claims that most Catholics are bastards

Pope Francis, in his usual friendly I-hates-you-all-because-you-is-not-saved-only-I-is-saved style, has claimed that most Catholic marriages are invalid, thereby implying that the fruits of the marriage (kids) are technically bastards.

John Major - also thought that most of his colleagues were bastards.

As has already been pointed out by wiser people than myself*, it is quite likely that most ordinations were also invalid - we can give you a list of prime suspects on request - not to mention Masses, Reconciliation (Penance), etc.

*wiser, but less saved, perhaps.

Having spent the three years of his papacy in accusing Catholics of particular sins (Pope Francis has a particular objection to holiness, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness and orthodoxy), the Holy Father has now decided to "go for broke" by issuing this general Commination on his Church.

"O God! I've just insulted my own parents!"

Some critics (not us) have responded by suggesting that certain papal conclaves were invalid, because either Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and his mates interfered, or simply because the the cardinals ended up electing a rather dim person who didn't understand canon law. I expect that dear brother Mundabor could tell you more.

However, we should remember that the choice of the Pope is made by the Holy Spirit, possibly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and that God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm. After one saintly Pope, and one very learned Pope, it is clear that the time had come for the Church to be led by someone very different. You got it.

Vincent Nichols misses his own funeral

Westminster, Thursday, May 7th 2048.

The funeral of Cardinal Vincent Nichols, who died last week at the age of 102, took place today at Westminster Cathedral. The Mass was celebrated by his holiness Pope Pius XIII, formerly Cardinal Mark Davies, who is himself a youthful 94 years old.

Westminster Cathedral (it hasn't changed much, has it?)

One unusual feature of the funeral was the absence of the deceased himself. As a spokesman explained, "After a lifetime of moving religious festivals from the correct day to the following Sunday in order that priests and bishops could attend midweek football matches, it seemed appropriate for Vincent Nichols to arrive at his own funeral on the following Sunday."

In fact, the controversial Synod of Whitstable in 2034 was supposed to have fixed the dates of religious festivals once and for all, so that, for example, Ascension Day should take place 40 days after Easter. However, this decision did not apply in England and Wales, where it was habitually moved to the following Sunday, irrespective of whenever the Pope himself thought it should be.

Trying to make the date of Whit(sun) stable.

When asked whether the absence of Vincent Nichols meant that his funeral "lacked something", a spokesman said, "It's the way he'd have wanted it. Whenever anyone called on Vin to take action, rather than merely make speeches, you could never get a response. We'll hardly notice the difference."

Meanwhile, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor is 115, and already lobbying for the next pope.

Leading with humility

Thanks to @JoaoMMXIV for drawing my attention to the book "Lead with humility", by Jeffrey A. Krames, which is subtitled 12 Leadership Lessons from Pope Francis. I haven't actually got the book, but I have a fairly good idea of what it should contain.

Can we have a Year of Humility next time, please?

Well, dear reader - Mr Heep, say - as a humble person you won't have put yourself forward for a leadership role, but don't despair, someone else will "fix it" for you. In the old days it might have been Jimmy Saville, but he's rather gone out of favour recently (and, anyway, is dead), so you may have to settle for getting a specially-constituted Team Heep to promote your case. Have a word with Cardinals Cormac Murphy-O'Connor or Godfried Danneels, and see whether they can help.

If all goes well, you will become the managing director of the Lancaster branch of the Acme Drainage Company (motto: Protect the Pipe), and be the proud possessor of a "Cormac fixed it for me" badge.

Now, how does a truly humble leader behave? Well, start by making your office look more humble. Throw out all the comfy chairs in which visitors used to sit, keeping just one for yourself. That aspidistra plant had better go, too: a humble leader should settle for a wilting dandelion. Make it known that you have given your bed at home to the poor, and that from now on you will sleep in the dog's basket. For food, avoid Dolan's All-you-can-eat Restaurant: a humble plate of Fish and Chips (in Italian, "Fisichella") will be much better for you.

Available to any poor person who wishes to collect it.

So far we haven't addressed the questions of leadership, which, in your case, means getting your own way without seeming to do so. There are various ways to achieve this: one is to come out with a blizzard of insults, confusing and contradictory statements, and plans which you know can never be implemented. When you do so, remind people that your words are being uttered in a spirit of humility and mercy. You could even install a "window of mercy" in your office, so that when you get annoyed with staff and defenestrate them, they can realise that it is being done very humbly.

Dilbert's boss embraces the Spirit of Pope Francis.

Another humble way to lead your company is to announce changes to company policy in a less direct way. For example, every time you take an aeroplane trip, you could stand up and make a speech outlining a batch of controversial changes (e.g. from now on, all staff must turn off the central heating in their offices, to prevent climate change) - check with the cabin crew before doing this.

Or you could float new company policy in interviews with 100-year-old deaf-mute journalists who don't speak your language too well; or you could get a trusted member of staff (the technical name is a gasper, one who emits hot air) to float the silliest ideas that he can imagine. Having totally confused and terrified your employees, you may then return to the office and humbly do whatever it was you planned to do all along.

When King Küng attacks, only a humble person can respond.

Finally, a good catchphrase you might adopt is "Who am I to judge?" The answer being, that you are the boss, and you will judge whenever you feel like it... humbly, of course. That's what leaders do.

How to be a Good Pope 2

So in Part 1 of this self-help guide we saw your through to election as Pope (thanks to the efforts of the St Wormwood and Gall Mafia, which pushed out your predecessor), and gave some tips on what to wear, what to eat, and where to live. What do you do next?

"And don't forget to feed the papal rabbit!"

Well, you can go on visits to your faithful flock around the world - popes do a lot of that stuff - meeting exciting people such as Castro, Obama, and that communist idiot in Bolivia. Maybe even some Catholics - apparently there are quite a lot of them out there if you look hard enough. But if you go travelling, watch out for journalists! They will do their best to get on the same flight, and they will insist on asking you difficult questions to which you haven't prepared the answers. Make it clear that you are not speaking infallibly, and you will probably change your mind again tomorrow.

Wise popes avoid questions altogether, e.g. by reading the in-flight magazine (yes, I know, dire, isn't it?), pretending to sleep (difficult to maintain for more than about 12 hours), or simply asking the stewardess to move you to another seat. In the latter case you'll probably end up next to a screaming child, but if you can stop the brat from howling, then you'll get the reputation of being a Loving and Sensitive Pope - even if you did pour a whisky down its throat when nobody was looking.

"Ugh, the in-flight movie's rubbish."

Another things popes are expected to do is to write encyclicals. These are long documents that necessarily contain a lot of waffle but should also have a sting in the tail that is guaranteed to upset non-Catholics. WRITE YOURS IN LATIN. Remember that Latin is the language of the church - not Italian, not Chinese, not even English. If your Latin isn't up to it, get a friend to help, don't rely on Google translate. Pick a snappy Latin title to bring in the punters - Nemo Me Impune Lacessit ("you lookin' for trouble, Jimmy?") would be a good one in the context of war, peace, and "turning the other cheek". Or try Sona Si Latine Loqueris ("Honk if you speak Latin") for an encyclical on the use of Latin in the Mass.

Meanwhile, you will find yourself being pestered by your cardinals. The German ones are the worst, but there are some pretty strange ones in the USA, UK, etc. as well. They will telephone you at 4 a.m. to tell you "I've just thought of this exciting new heresy we could try," hoping that you will be too tired to send them packing. Before you know where you are, you will have agreed to hold a synod just to keep them quiet. But it won't.

"That's agreed then - you phone him at 3.30 a.m. and I'll phone at 4 a.m."

Just hypothetically, suppose that you have agreed to hold a synod on Torture. There may be a lot of pressure for one - the American organization Catholics for Torture is very influential - and so it may be hard to say to them "You're a bunch of idiots. Get lost." Lots of bishops and cardinals would be happy to have a three-week holiday in Rome three weeks of deep and meaningful discussions, rather than having to sit in their boring dioceses serving their flock and protecting it from the wolves.

Some of the synod team will be convinced that Catholic Doctrine on Torture can be changed. If someone keeps his aunt locked up in a cellar, and goes down regularly to stretch her on the rack, should that be a bar to his taking Holy Communion? Or should he abstain from stretching on the day he goes to Mass? Obviously, we can't go so far as to ask him to release her. These are deep waters, and about 1/4 of your synodders will be pressing for complete liberalism here - they're the ones who don't believe in things like sin, redemption, confession, absolution, repentance, etc.

"I've got to go to Mass now, then write an article for the Tablet, but I'll be back later.

Writing these pieces have convinced me that being pope isn't easy - it's not just kissing people's feet and releasing birds into the air. More on this, later, your Holiness.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Smith

Our story is set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The Smith Lords are all-powerful, imposing their will on all intelligent life-forms. The cruel dictator, Darth Smithius, ferociously suppresses the old ways, which are still practised by the Latin-speaking Tradi Order - the ones who know how to use the Extraordinary Force. He drives them back as he imposes the Ordinary Force.

The all-powerful Darth Smithius.

The Tradi knight, Tim-obi Wan Fin-igan, is urged to flee the land of the black fens, and he takes refuge on the distant planet Thanetooine at the gates of Mar. Nearby, he finds another Tradi Master, Marcus Yoden, the custodian of the gates of Ram. Meanwhile, the black fens see the arrival of the young master Annoyin Stevefisher, who in those days has not yet turned to the Dark Side; he is considered to have been broadly neutral in the recent Clown Wars, when so many masses were taken over by puppets, clowns and liturgical dancers. The people of the black fens expect that the Extraordinary Force will be with him.

The temple in the black fens. Note the impressive array of light-sabres.

As we wait to see what Annoyin Stevefisher will do, we have a comic interlude, with various subsidiary characters such as the following:

The Wookiee cries in triumph, watched by the robots RAD2-D2 and CORM-3PO,

and of course this one:

Flabba the Shedd.

Back to the plot. In the black fens, Annoyin Stevefisher shows an instant hostility to the Tradi Order, rejecting the Extraordinary Force, and and driving many into exile. Nearly a year passes, and the black fens lie in ruins. It transpires that Annoyin Stevefisher has turned to the Dark Side. He even declares his intention to teach in a secondary school. From now on, he will be known as DARTH FISHER.

The dreaded Darth Fisher.

The power of the Smith Lords is now unchallenged, and the Evil Empire holds sway everywhere except on the planet Thanetooine. We shall have to wait for three more films before we see the Return of the Tradi.

2067: the date of the Second Coming

A revised version of a Spectator piece by Damian Thompson.

When my editor asked me to write a scare story for the Spectator, I considered several possible scenarios:

2067: the date that world reserves of custard will run out.

A possible victim of world food shortages.

Pretty scary, you'll agree, but in fact this is not going to happen. Here's something more likely.

2067: the end of the Daily Telegraph.

This is more probable. Indeed, now that the Telegraph is basically a clone of the Daily Mail, without the intellectual gravitas of a Richard Littlejohn or a Piers Morgan, we may expect the last rites by 2017, shortly after Tim Stanley finally gives it up as a bad job.

The Mail offers Kim Kardashian as the thinking man's Cristina Odone.

2067: the end of British Christianity.

This one is pretty certain, too. My own priest, Mgr Bottletop, is worried about declining congregations, and it can't be due to the fact that certain priests refused to sign a letter sticking up for Catholic teaching on marriage and the family. No, the Catholics and Anglican leaders have done their best to fit in with the "Spirit of the Age" and to reject anything that would make Christians look somehow "different" from liberal secularists. Richard Dawkins could walk into most of our churches without finding anything to throw a tantrum about. It's all very mysterious.

By 2100 there will be MINUS THREE MILLION Christians in the UK.

The above chart was helpfully provided by my former colleague Geoffrey Lean, who also tells me that climate change will cause his zimmer frame to burst into flames tomorrow. It proves that we are in deep trouble, and Christianity in the UK will become extinct at 3.13 pm. on August 27th 2067. Indeed, I'll be over 100 by then, and probably departed to that great Newspaper in the Sky, and the same goes for most of my friends. All right, there'll be a few bishops left: indeed, that man Cormac Murphy-O'Connor will only be 130-odd, so I expect he'll still be meddling in things. But no Christians as such.

We're doomed, I tell ye. We're doomed!

2067: the Second Coming.

Actually, this is the most likely scenario. I took an Eccles tour to Medjugorje ("Your money back guaranteed if you don't get a personal apparition of the Virgin Mary"), and as a result I became convinced that we live in the end times. In fact, it was the hotel cleaner not the Virgin Mary who appeared to me, but - whoever she was - she was very persuasive. Basically the Lord is fed up with the whole human race, and wants to try something else. And who can blame Him?

With spiritual leaders like this, are you surprised?

Cormac doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting

Adapted from the Catholic Herald.

By Peter Stanford.

There's a touching scene in Tony Blair's newly published memoir An English Spring. It is May 1994, and Labour leader John Smith lies dying. The then Shadow Home Secretary, Anthony Blair, is ushered in to say a final goodbye. "John Prescott will have to take over this job," says the dying Smith, whose mind is already wandering. However, the message is relayed back as "It's all yours, Tony," and the rest is history.

Cormac Murphy-O'Connor is admitted into the Labour Party.

Tony Blair faced several challenges during his time in power, not least Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor telling him he wanted to join the Labour Party. The news came as no great surprise, he says. "He'd been a bit of a leftie for twenty-five years, and his conversion had been expected for a long time. Cormac's getting a bit of a bad time now, without even the usual twenty million pounds and a string of luxury mansions to console him in his old age, and I feel sorry for him. He made many mistakes during his time at Arundel and Brighton - oh, and at Westminster too - and ever since then, come to think of it - but he doesn't deserve the kind of treatment he is getting. Well, actually he does, really."

---

Adapted from the Spectator.

The Heckler: why does Damian Thompson have to be so rude?

By Sir John Eliot Gardiner.

Damian Thompson is talented almost beyond measure. He is the leading Bach expert of his age, or indeed any age, but is also equally at home with Gladys Mills. His stupidly-named Orchestre Petit Gâteaux et Crème Anglaise has notched up one triumph after another over the decades. At 53, Damian is at his artistic peak, the author of numerous books and articles, and you have to wonder: is there anything this man can’t do?

The answer is yes. One art eludes him: good manners. He's perhaps the only Telegraph blogger to have had his own comment on his own blog deleted by his own moderators, when he described a sensitive female commentator as "You spiteful cow!" He told another "I will not be lectured to by you, Mrs Farrow." Then again he had a blazing row with the normally-timid Peter Hitchens, storming out and knocking over a blind little old lady in the corridor.

Clash of the Titans!

Many geniuses have been bad-tempered - think of Beethoven, Evelyn Waugh, even Pope Francis - and Damian’s friends think all this is unfair. Although he is generously endowed with self-esteem, he is not a monster like George Galloway. He inspires deep affection in some colleagues. Belatedly anxious about his image problem, he now says he has "mellowed". That may be true, but there is plenty of mellowing still to do. "I said 'hello' to Damian on Twitter not that long ago," says one award-winning saved blogger, "and he stared through me as if I was a parlourmaid."

Is it still safe for Catholics to laugh at Father Vin?

Reprinted from the Catholic Herald.

Six years on, the popular sitcom "Father Vin" continues to divide Catholics. Telling the tale of three useless clerics marooned on the remote island "Britain", some have seen it as a mockery of Catholicism, while others see it as brilliantly slapstick, surreal and childish.

Father Vin.

Crucially, the ludicrous characters are the butt of the jokes, rather than precious elements of the faith. The humour is gentle, and all "Father Vin" fans have their favourite episode. For some, it is the one where he goes to a synod and can't remember how he voted. For others, it is the embarrassment he suffers when he discovers that "gay" masses are taking place on his doorstep. Yet again, others will remember the difficulties Vin gets into when he tries to silence 500 Catholic priests, only to be reminded that the Pope wants "dialogue".

Father Vin demonstrates against the Catholic Herald letters page.

Of course "Father Vin" contains other memorable characters. We have all laughed at the rather dim Fr Timothy Radcliffe, who is totally unable to understand some aspects of Catholic teaching on sexual matters, and Mrs Beattie, the tea lady, with her "Try another heresy, Father, go on, go on, go on!" However, our personal favourite is the disgraced Father Kieran, with his fondness for DRINK and GIRLS.

"DRINK!"

Perhaps the most popular of all episodes is the "Kick Cardinal Cormac up the backside" story, in which Father Vin is told that the only way that he can become a cardinal is to "give the boot" to his predecessor. Watch this sort of superlative comedy, and you will never wish to say "Down with this sort of thing!"

A bad day for Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.

Lily the Pink - some new verses

First, to appreciate this post, you need to be familiar with the classic song "Lily the pink". We particularly appreciate this verse for its sensitive handling of transgender issues:

Jennifer Eccles
Had terrible freckles,
And the boys all called her names,
But she changed with 
Medicinal compound:
Now he joins in all the games.

Pioneers of transgender awareness.

Now, here are four new verses.

Murphy-O'Connor
Thought he was a goner
When Austen said he'd misbehaved:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he hopes he may be saved.

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order!"

Professor Dawkins
Could not stop his squawkings,
Though they found his views were junk:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's training as a monk.

Professor Dawkins becomes a Trappist.

Damian Thompson
Had mischievous romps on
His blog at the Telegraph:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's gone, and makes folk laugh.

Thompson and Farage get ideas from the Eccles blog.

Cardinal Kasper
Made everyone gasp: "A
Man like this destroys the Church!"
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now they've left him in the lurch.

"Can I come indoors if I behave myself?"

Religious Cluedo - or who killed AC?

The story so far: Archbishop Cranmer, the celebrity blogger, has been found murdered. There are six principal suspects, all people who were (justly or unjustly) excluded from his list of the top 100 UK Christians in favour of more exciting people such as Catherine Pepinster, Giles Fraser and Austen Ivereigh. Which one do YOU think was guilty?

Cardinal Green.

The illustrious Cardinal Green, rumoured to have been the Eminence Verte behind the election of Pope Francis (who does not appear in this game), was once seen wandering round the cathedral with a candlestick. Green with envy because his sidekick Vincent Nichols made it onto the Cranmer list, and annoyed because his other sidekick Kieran Conry was exiled to a snakes-and-ladders game, could the Cardinal have decided to bash the celebrity blogger?

Sister White.

No relation to Canon White, the Vicar of Baghdad, who actually won the Cranmer game, Sister White, the pastoral administrator of a church in Milton Keynes, is described by her local priest in the Tablet as "a very good parish priest – she has that feminine quality that parish priests don't have". Why should Anglican lady vicars such as Libby Lane and Kate Bottley be Cranmerized, when this pioneering sister - who actually trades under the name of Sr Yvonne Pilarski - is leading the way for feminism? Sister White was apparently seen in the presbytery with the dagger.

Colonel Custard

The wrath of Damian Thompson ("Colonel Custard" of the Spectator) was wondrous to behold, when he discovered that he was excluded from the top 100, even though less famous Christians such as Tim Stanley, Richard Chartres and Alexander Lucie-Smith were allowed seats at the top table. Damian was last seen in Notting Hill with a piece of lead piping: he claims that it was an an organ pipe that fell off when he played Bach at Mach 2.

Mrs Beacock

An expert in religion, society and human flourishing (which is what we recommend to people who can't cope with grown-up theology), Tina Beacock is a high-profile lecturer, whose comic book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate is subtitled 4004 B.C. and All That. She was last seen on a Thames houseboat with a rope - an innocent enough item, given the context.

Professor Dumb.

Richard Dumbkins, although not a Christian in any meaningful sense, feels that he should have been included, since his writings have done so much to expose the contradictions and silliness of atheism. He was last seen wandering round Oxford with a spanner, although it may simply be that he has a screw loose (in which case shouldn't it have been a screwdriver?)

Mrs Scarlett

Once regarded as the Barbara Cartland of the House of Commons, the authoress of Say Farewell to the Archbishop of Corby, and No Communion for Mrs Mensch, produced a surprisingly orthodox contribution to the great "Should Cardinal Kasper be allowed to destroy the Catholic Church?" debate. However, because it was so sensible, it was largely ignored. She was last seen in New York, bearing a revolver.

So there you have it, six suspects who had reason to kill of Archbishop Cranmer. Over to you...

Religious predictions for 2015

Our predictions for 2013 were pretty much on target (we didn't repeat the exercise for 2014), so here is what is expected to happen in 2015.

January. ISIS troops run away in terror from an army of little old ladies. David Cameron celebrates this victory - for which he takes the credit - by going on yet another holiday to foreign fish-markets.

Training to combat ISIS.

February. Bishop Campbell discovers that Deacon Donnelly is still spilling the beans about bad behaviour in the Catholic Church, even though his "Protect the Pope" blog is closed down. He confiscates the deacon's laptop and telephone, places him under house arrest, and warns him to talk to nobody. Donnelly continues to proclaim the Catholic faith by means of smoke signals from his chimney.

March. Cardinal Dolan attends the New York St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. Rather than look ostentatious by parading in full clerical dress, he disguises himself as a golfer (see below).

"A cardinal, me? No, I'm just off for a game of golf."

April. Tony Flannery, the "silenced priest" is encouraged to go on a retreat to a Trappist monastery. However, he is thrown out after two days because he refuses to stop talking. He blames the Vatican.

May. Pope Francis welcomes a party of disabled children to the Vatican. In a three-hour harangue, he lists 94 faults that they are guilty of, and reduces the entire class to tears. At the end he concludes "Who am I to judge? I'm the pope, that's who I am."

Preparing to meet the pope.

June. Paul Inwood makes a desperate bid for recognition as a respectable composer by releasing his "Rest" (the word "Requiem", being in Latin, is unacceptable to him). After hearing the opening chorus "Eternal Rest, zzz, zzz, Eternal Rest", critics suggest that he take out all the notes and replace them with rests.

July. Arundel and Brighton hosts a "Woodstock II" happening to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the diocese. Kieran Conry asks if he can bring his "plus two" with him, but this is refused. With Rowan Williams, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Timothy Radcliffe as guests, the organizers realise that they are a little short of Catholics, and invite Hans Küng, Tony Flannery and Tina Beattie as additional speakers.

Distinguished speakers arrive for the Arundel and Brighton happening.

August. The Church of England is accused of "institutional sexism" as it is revealed that it has not had a male Supreme Governor for 63 years. Prince Charles offers to take over, with the title King Ali Krishna Siddhārtha Charles, defender of all faiths except Catholicism, but in the end Goodish Queen Bess continues as before.

September. Pope Francis publishes a biography of Austen Ivereigh, the great reformer, suggesting that Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had a hand in his election as head of Catholic Voices. A clarifying statement is issued soon afterwards, confirming that Ivereigh himself knew nothing of this.

Pope Francis presents Austen Ivereigh with a copy of his book.

October. The World Synod of Bishops is held. To make sure that the "right" decisions are taken, Pope Francis asks Cardinal Kasper to write the relatio in advance. He then "accidentally" sends out invitations with the wrong venue to Cardinals Burke, Pell, and Müller, who find themselves stuck in Trent.

November. Pope Francis resigns, saying that he's had enough. Cormac Murphy-O'Connor takes charge of "Team Nichols", with the result that the Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster is the surprise choice for pope. This is astonishing, as nobody had suspected that he was even a Catholic.

The Archbishop of Corby misses out again.

December. Pope Francis II (to give him his official title) invites Tina Beattie to lecture in the Vatican, and offers the Sistine Chapel as a base for the World Gay Catholic Society. The Tablet warmly approves this move.

The Great Reformer: Christ, the radical Messiah

We are finally able to publish a review of Austen Ivereigh's new book The Great Reformer: Christ and the Making of a Radical Messiah, which has caused so much controversy. Since his surprise appointment in December 1 BC (or whenever it was), Jesus Christ has emerged as the most talked-about and most revolutionary Messiah in living memory. He has become a subject of fascination not only to the 2.2 gigaChristians in the world, but to virtually everyone.

A Nativity scene. Note the life-size Austen Ivereigh model looking on (L).

A certain amount of scandal has arisen over the circumstances of Jesus's appointment as Messiah. It is said that there was a "Team Jesus" in place a long time beforehand, containing such illustrious figures as Isaiah and Micah; it persuaded people that the Baby born in Bethlehem was the one to support, and not, for example, rival candidates such as the Emperor Augustus, the Dalai Lama (any of them), Haile Selassie, Prince Philip, or various other people who have been worshipped as gods.

Members of the rival "Team Philip".

If Dr Ivereigh's allegations are true, then apparently the prophets Isaiah and Micah risk excommunication. On the other hand, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, who was also around in the BC/AD switchover period, is not generally associated with "Team Jesus", so he is probably in the clear.

Since coming to power, Christ has upset many people with His strong words. Most recently, He accused the Pharisees Conference of being "A generation of vipers", and even the loyal Cardinal Peter was labelled as "Satan". Perhaps after all He is not the meek and mild Messiah that some expected when He was elected.

Cleansing the Curia of Financial Leprosy.

Don't let Pope Francis turn into Sylvester McCoy!

In a very interesting piece for the Catholic Herald, Tim Stanley complains that the modern Dr Who character is becoming too atheist. There has been a change from the Jon Pertwee days, when the Doctor was almost certainly a staunch Anglican - if the Anglican Church was the Conservative party at prayer, then Dr Who was the Anglican Church hiding behind the sofa. Over here we have observed a different phenomenon: the Catholic Church is being led by a new Pope, who bears a suspicious resemblance to Sylvester McCoy.

Pope Francis (L) with Guido Marini.

The signs are all there - a general feeling of bewilderment, as if the Holy Father is unaware what forces he has unleashed, together with an air of total chaos as nobody really knows what direction the Church is heading in. Pope Francis's aim is not to judge anyone (except when he chooses to, of course) and the state of play in the fight between good and evil is generally uncertain.

Pope Francis has an ecumenical meeting with a Buddhist from Kandy.

Contrast this with the more rigorous, formal, regime of Pope Benedict XVI. Here of course the Doctoral model was William Hartnell, a thoroughly orthodox but much stricter character, who wouldn't suffer fools gladly.

Pope Benedict gets tough with a renegade monk.

Pope Benedict made great use of his Tardis to visit earlier times: one famous story in which he was involved was Summorum Pontificum, set in Rome. Here, the language of Latin was used throughout (although when shown on television it was dubbed into English).

Pope Benedict explain the use of Latin in the story Summorum Pontificum.

Before the Pope regenerated into Benedict XVI, the role was played by John-Paul II, who may be seen as a Patrick Troughton figure: saintly, but sometimes prepared to clown around. Still, a good man to follow when fighting Cybermen, Yeti, Communists, etc.

Pope John-Paul II working on his latest encyclical.

Pope John-Paul II was known for visiting many far-flung parts of the Universe (he would usually kiss the ground on the planet when his Tardis landed). As a result he met a plethora of exotic creatures, many of which seem to be immortal.

A meeting with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

However, the Sylvester McCoy model is definitely prevailing in the Catholic Church right now. So, what shall we see next? A female Pope is as unthinkable as a female Doctor, even though his arch-enemy managed to regenerate into a woman (the Mistress Beattie). Moreover, we are unlikely to see a Pope along the lines of ultra-liberal modernists such as Tennant or Capaldi. We may end up with a Colin Baker - some cardinals really have no taste in vestments - but a calm, sophisticated pope with fantastic hair is expected next time round.

Br Pertwee (R) - the next Pope?