Church Malicious exposes the Apostles!

Welcome to Church Malicious, where lies and falsehoods are trapped and exposed! Or at least they were until we all went mad a few months ago. Never mind, we have some other ideas.

Michael's getting angry!

This piece is a joint effort from the Vorticists, and today we are going to expose the base tyranny of Cardinal Cupich. Only, joking folks! No, as usual we are going to pick on some supposedly harmless group and expose it as a hotbed of creeps, perverts, and weirdos. No wonder they never let us join them!

The Apostles! We can reveal that "Saint" Paul's life was not as saintly as you might think. No, at the time when Stephen was being stoned, what did he do? Sit down and write a blog moaning about it? Pull the other one! (You can let go of it now, Milo!) No, we can reveal that, under the alias of Saul, he collected the coats of those who were doing the stoning. Check it in the Bible if you don't believe our scoop!

We have come across several priests who are fans of St Paul. You can be sure that they are also coat-fetishists with a penchant for stoning people. DO THEIR BISHOPS KNOW THIS?

Why did so many people die when St Paul went on his travels?

Another man who hid under an alias was Simon/Peter, a regular jailbird in those days. He was known for denying Christ! So avoid anyone who tries to defend this wicked man!

These Church Malicious scoops are not the only ones we have up our sleeves - for a mere $10,000/year subscription you can subscribe to our premium service, entitling you to a FREE Voris wig, a personal massage from Milo, and a ground-breaking exposé of any hitherto-respectable organization of your choice: the Mothers' Union, the Little Sisters of the Poor, The Samaritans, St Vincent De Paul Society, ... we've got mud to throw at all of them!

You will also learn more about the Apostles! What sort of doctor was Luke really like? Was Barnabas really "a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith" or was he actually a serial killer? And as for St Mark. If we say "pulling the legs off hamsters" does that give you a clue to his secret life?

We shall sue the Vorticists for using our name - or we would if they were still alive.

Follow the Vortex, as our reputation goes down the plughole!

Sherlock Holmes and the Pachamama affair

I have described elsewhere how my friend Sherlock Holmes had on an earlier occasion been consulted by the Holy Father in order to track down the mysterious Marcantonio Colonna. One October day we were summoned again to the the papal presence in order to investigate the Crime of the Century.

"Right, Zuhlsdorf and Voris will keep us covered, while Donnelly and Taylor Marshall knock off the idols. We'll meet at the Tiber."

After offering us a humble glass of indigenous Amazon water, Pope Francis explained the problem to us. "Mr Holmes, only you can help us. Last night thieves broke into the Church of Santa Maria in Traspontina, removed four idols of the Blessed Pachamama (here the Holy Father knelt down and kissed the ground) and threw them into the Tiber."

At this point I was so shocked that I sipped at my indigenous drink and immediately felt a sharp pain in my tongue. Removing the piranha fish that had been swimming in the glass of Amazon water, I coughed a few times, and listened while the Successor of St Peter gave us our instructions.

"Do you not have replacement idols?" asked Holmes. "I saw traces of Brazilian sawdust on the floor when I came in, which suggest that an idol-making factory is somewhere nearby. I have written a monograph classifying six hundred varieties of sawdust, and these fragments clearly came from the deadly Hummes tree of Brazil."

"Oh yes, we have a whole shed full of the idols," explained Francis. "We shall be sending one to every parish in the world. But it is important for the prestige of the Synod that we recover the missing idols and place them in St Peter's Basilica."

Coming soon to every Catholic church!

We went into the garden, and I remarked to Holmes, "That's a very strange-looking garden-gnome standing on top of the compost-heap. Or is it another pagan idol?"

"I think not, Watson," replied my friend. "One can see that it is moving its lips."

As we approached, we could hear the gnome talking to himself. "Hail Pachamama, Our Lady of the Tiber! Those fascist, alt-right, racist, anti-semitic, Hitlerite, conservative, neo-Nazi, fascist, Brexiting, cat-torturing, thieving, baby-snatching, Telegraph-reading, criminal fascists have committed the Worst Crime in the World! But I will be avenged on the whole pack of you, or my name isn't Austen Ivereigh the Caped Crusader!"

We promptly turned round and walked away.

Massimo Faggioli joins the hunt for the missing idols.

Holmes and I went down to the Tiber bridge from which Pachamama had received her early bath - now renamed St Pachamama's Bridge - and looked for clues. Would the idols have sunk into the mud, or would they be drifting out to sea, like a small flotilla, wending their way back to the shores of South America? There were no clues, and the crime seemed to be motiveless. What Catholic could possibly object to the demotion of the Trinity, the Virgin Mary and the saints, and their replacement by a smelly old lump of wood? Only the worst extremist Genghis Khan-following fascist sedevacantists, as little Austen might put it.

Bowing to Pachamama. Catholic worship at its best.

After a detailed search of the neighbourhood, Holmes and I finally stumbled across a quaint Italian shop, which advertised "LITURGICAL SUPPLIES. Puppets, statuettes, idols, and dolls. All your Catholic needs supplied here." Disguising ourselves as indigenous Amazonians (those feathers really tickled), we went in and asked to see something "spiritually nourishing". There, sitting on a shelf, were four muddy idols, which were clearly the missing Pachamamas.

"I do not wish my name to appear in this case," said Holmes. "Let us alert Inspector Ploddo of the Flying Squad, and allow him to take the credit for this discovery."

And so it was. Following Inspector Ploddo's advice, the Pachamama idols appeared in a place of honour in St Peter's, the following Sunday. Inspector Ploddo was there, ready to arrest anyone seen trying to liberate them. Indeed, the Holy Father had organized a "Bring your own idol for blessing" service, to which I took along my own ten-foot statue of Moloch.

Blessed by Pope Francis.

Holmes was not present. Bored by the whole affair, he had retired to his chamber to inject himself with another 7 per cent solution of Coccopalmerio.

Vatican revives the Index Librorum Prohibitorum

It gives us great pleasure to announce that the Vatican has revived the Index Librorum Prohibitorum of publications deemed heretical, or contrary to morality.

The Index was abolished by Pope Paul VI in 1966, after the Vatican II Council decided that heresy and immorality were henceforth perfectly good "alternative lifestyles". It is slightly surprising that Pope Francis should have restored it.

The compiler of the new Index is Father Thomas Rosica of the Satan Lite corporation, a regular reader of this blog. Here is his list, as revealed by Michael "Vortex" Voris. Note that it includes the Tablet, America, and the National Catholic Reporter, all publications that make excellent cat-litter.

Websites to be avoided at all costs.

Unfortunately there are various Fake News stories going round. One is that this bunch of dreadful sites was actually recommended as "Trusted sources for Catholic News". Seems unlikely, doesn't it? On the other hand, how did Rosie's own Satan Lite group get into his list? Associated with this is another Fake News story - that the original list contained other Vatican favourites, including the "Gay Priests in Bondage" magazine, and Cardinal Cupich's magnum opus "A guide to purely consensual sinning."

"Gosh, that shouldn't be allowed!"

We are still awaiting the Vatican's real guide to trusted news sources. You will know it is genuine when ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com is listed.

I stand by Fr James Martin SJ!

Today's big question is the following: if someone is demonically possessed, should we stop them from speaking in church? Fr James Martin SJ has received another ban, this time from Our Lady of Lourdes Church, in the Diocese of Metuchen, NJ, and it all seems dreadfully unfair. Luckily the talk will still go ahead, probably at the sewage farm in French Town, NJ, the most appropriate venue they could find.

Standing by our most famous alt-Jesuit.

Contrast that cruelty with today's Gospel, where Our Lord met a man possessed by an unclean spirit. Actually, the man's teaching was less controversial than Fr Jim's stuff: for example, he said, "I know who You are: the Holy One of God!" Not something you'd expect Fr Jim to say. Of course, St Mark may have missed out some details: perhaps the possessed man was also telling anyone who would listen that the Holy Spirit was female, or that Jesus should go and chat to a Canaanite woman to find out what His real mission was. You can't mention every detail.

The point is that Jesus didn't try to shut him up, or move him to another venue, he simply used dialogue, and built bridges with the man. "Be quiet! Come out of him!" was the formula. The demon left the man, and went into a herd of Jesuits grazing nearby, who rushed down the hill and - I'm sorry, I seem to have turned over two pages at once.

Be quiet! Come out of him!

So, being known for our mercy, we stand by Fr Jim. Probably with a megaphone, so that we can shout COME OUT OF HIM! whenever the great man starts to speak.

We should note that Fr Jim blames his downfall on a far-right website named "Tradition, Family and Property." You have to watch out for these far-right fascists, in their black shirts (or shorts), shouting "What do we want? Tradition! Family! Property!" when what they should have asked for was "Modernism! LGBT relations! Ruin!" Yes, again Martin hits the nail on the head.

Fr Spode of the Black Shorts tells off Fr James Martin.

We are also told that "another far-right online site that traffics in hate and is similarly obsessed with homosexuality" is Church Militant. Obsessed with homosexuality, unlike Fr James Martin SJ, you notice. The picture below, of its leading light, Michael Voris, shows the depths of shame and degradation to which Church Militant has sunk.

In a shameless act of right-wing hatred, Voris eats an Eccles cake.

Remember that Fr James Martin SJ is an adviser to Pope Francis, and so, by association, is mostly infallible. Of course he is.

Intern takes over Pope's Twitter account

Twitter went into meltdown this week (I'm sorry, we're using Daily Telegraph journalistic style here), when the @pontifex Twitter account was handed over to Eddie, a 15-year-old intern, for the day, rather than being used for computer-generated Dalai-Lama-style platitudes, as is usually the case.

Eddie responds to the queries of the faithful.

@pontifex: Hi, it's Eddie here. I'm hoping to become Pope one day, so I'm getting some work experience. Send me your questions!

@CardinalBurke: Bless you, Eddie. I don't suppose you've got the answers to my dubia, have you?

@pontifex: Hi, Eminence! I'll have a hunt round and see whether they've fallen down the back of the sofa or something!

Hello, Eddie!

@MelindaGates: Why doesn't the Church change its teaching on contraception? I am married to a very rich man, and so I expect value for money!

@pontifex: I'm only 15, Melinda, so this isn't really a problem for me. Still, we keep getting Do you wish to install the new Magisterium? messages, so maybe that's something to do with it?

@MelindaGates: I'm still confused about why Vatican I was followed by Vatican II, and not Vatican 98 or Vatican XP (isn't XP Christian?)

@pontifex: I'm told that the boss is going to call a new Vatican Council soon, to make Italian the official language of the Church and ban Latin for all time. I'll ask him if we can call it Vatican Vista.

@caroline_flack: Eddie, have you seen Love Island?

@pontifex: Sorry, Caroline, Mum won't let me watch it. But we do have a new Vatican TV show, Hate Island, where we send Spadaro, Winters, Rosica, Ivereigh, Martin, Mickens, etc. to an island and get them to write insulting articles about Catholics.

@michael_voris: Can I vote for Spadaro to be eaten by a crocodile?

@pontifex: No crocodiles, Michael. It seems that we've only got vultures, snakes, poisonous spiders, and blood-sucking bats. Oh, sorry, that's the list of participants!

@austeni: I was licking the corridor clean outside the Pope's apartment today, and saw the sign "Vietato Lamentarsi". What's all that about, Eddie?

@pontifex: Well, Austen, according to Google translate, it means "Forbidden to complain". We're all under orders to smile, smile, smile!

Your new-look Swiss Guards.

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

Welcome to the Dolex

Welcome to the Dolex, where lies and falsehoods are buried under the carpet. I'm Timmy Dolan broadcasting on behalf of Church Indolent.

Timmy Dolan does his trademark finger-wiggle.

Today on Church Malignant we are going to expose the past sins of Michael Voris, because he's been a persistent thorn in our flesh - of which we have rather a lot - and is starting to tell people where the bodies are buried.

Yes, before becoming a Good Man, the notorious Voris was... a... Bad Man! This makes a complete mockery of my version of Christianity, where you choose between Good and Evil from the start, and don't attempt to repent! If you're Evil, you stay Evil, and rejected by Christ, even if you rise to the eminent heights of Cardinal!

"These men are dangerous - especially the guy in the middle."

Some of you may say that my hatred of Voris is somehow personal. After all, he regularly tries to disrupt my St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March in New York, he doesn't think much of my attempts to open the doors of Catholicism to let the light of Secularism flood in, and he seems to think that Cardinals should be people worthy of respect. Well, we at Church Ignorant repudiate all this.

The picture below will destroy Voris's reputation for good. Perhaps he'll leave me in peace now?

Voris in Eccles cake scandal. (Not available in England and Wales, owing to a court injunction.)

Eccles comment: In fact, I am blocked from leaving comments on Voris's blog, first for referring to Dolan as "the fat man", and then for complaining about the heavy-handed muddlerators. So I cannot say that Voris is totally saved.

Eccles registers with the Ministry of Truth

Under Home Office plans, Imams, priests, rabbis and other religious figures will have to enrol in a "national register of faith leaders" and undergo vetting.

Well, naturally Brother Eccles could not expect to stay under the radar for long, and I received the following letter from the Ministry of Truth.

The Ministry of Truth investigates a religious blogger.

Dear Brother Eccles,

We understand that you are the author of a spiritually nourishing blog that is read worldwide by as many as six people. This means that you must register as a "faith leader" and subject yourself to regular training and inspection. Our inspector, Brother O'Brien, will be knocking on your door at 4 a.m. to take you to a cell, where we shall address the many problems with your blog that have come to our notice. These include:

1. Derogatory remarks about David Cameron, his fondness for visiting fish markets, his unwillingness to address the problems of Islamic extremism, and his rush to implement same-sex marriage legislation.

Big Brother shows his appreciation of fish.

2. Too many unfunny jokes, or at least jokes that our civil servants in the Ministry of Truth need to have explained to them.

3. Critical comments about registered "national treasures" such as Elton John, Gerry Adams, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry and Dr Giles Fraser of the BBC.

A penguin national treasure trying to think of something silly to say.

4. A general religious attitude in your blog, as seen in the fact that you use prohibited words such as "sin", "evil", "adultery", "murder" (in the context of abortion), and "God".

5. A tendency to mock senior international figures such as Barack Obama, François Hollande, Jihad John, Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Un; if one of these were to read your blog it might cause a major diplomatic incident.

I warn you now that if you do not change the tone of your blog, then you will probably have to be burnt at the stake.

Little Uncle pp. Big Brother.

Luckily all is not lost, and support has come from an unexpected direction.

Michael Voris eats some Eccles cakes in solidarity with your blogger.

Saved person of the year

Brother Eccles, an obscure religious blogger from England, today declared himself delighted with the news that Time magazine had nominated him as their Saved person of the year.

The cover of Time magazine.

In winning this award, Eccles had to overcome stiff competition from other nearly-as-saved persons, such as Pope Francis (a well-known Catholic), Father John Zuhlsdorf (author of Fac meam diem - a guide to liturgical shooting), and Michael Voris (famed for his catchphrase "Of course, I could be wrong...")

"These men are dangerous - especially the guy in the middle."

---

In other news, it has been reported that a man seen on television worldwide, apparently communicating in sign language, was in fact hoaxing everyone, in that none of his gestures made the slightest sense. What was startling was that he had been allowed to carry on producing gibberish for so long without being challenged.

Pretending to pass on a serious message.

Do we need Dwight Longenecker?

Until now I have kept quiet about the controversial priest Dwight Longenecker. However, yesterday I viewed one of his blog posts, in which he attacks the saintly prophet Michael Voris.

A rare photo of Michael Voris, sans wig.

It isn't necessarily a bad thing to criticise Catholic laymen who make videos. But there are serious problems with the way Longenecker has made his criticism. First of all, what status does he have as a Catholic watchblog? Attacking Michael Voris - a person whose influence in the Catholic Church is less only than that of the Pope, Father Z, Eccles and Damian Thompson - is not something to be undertaken by anyone under the rank of Cardinal.

Second, some people may misinterpret Father L's attack as motivated by envy. Longenecker is a hard-working priest with a wife, four children, three goldfish and a pet rat called Mahony. In order to make ends meet he has to write books, give lectures, and stand at traffic lights offering to wash people's car windscreens. Also, his name is almost impossible to spell correctly.

Fr Dwight Longenecker.

Voris, on the other hand, is a Hollywood superstar, who earns slightly more than George Clooney and Tom Hanks put together.

Don't get me wrong, here. There is a certain class of people (often called "priests"), who feel that they are somehow qualified to speak to the rest of us about good and evil, even to hear confessions and give absolution. Go into any church on a Sunday and you may find one of these people, often talking for ten or fifteen minutes without any interruptions or opportunities for questions. As a liberal Catholic I am shocked that such people should exist!

A priest.

Anyway, forgive me if my words seem harsh. I have endeavoured to remove the speck from my own eye before taking the planks out of everyone else's. Or whatever the saying is.

Scandal in the Vatican

Tonight, thanks to Michael "Vortex" Voris, we can report on a scandal that is set to rock the Vatican to its foundations.

Pope Francis receives a shocking letter.

It seems (says Voris) that Pope Francis has received a letter from a deacon in good standing, alleging that one of his cardinals blogs under the name of "Eccles", and as such has been making fun of atheists, liberal Catholics and Damian Thompson.

Damian Thompson visits the California State Museum of Custard.

The news that the infamous Eccles could have infiltrated the Vatican naturally brought great distress to Pope Francis; it caused him to miss a Beethoven concert while he summoned an emergency meeting of his most trusted advisers (Father John Zuhlsdorf and Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor) to resolve the situation.

Have you seen this man?

As the search for the intruder continues, Eccles is finding it harder to cover his tracks.

Further evidence that Eccles has infiltrated the Vatican.

However, the mischief of "Cardinal" Eccles is not limited to the writing of blogs. Tablet staff were enraged to learn that copies of their newspaper had been found burning in one of the Vatican apartments.

Tabula est comburenda!

Said a Tablet spokesman: "We can live with rumours of gay orgies and satanic rituals - indeed, nobody enjoys that sort of thing more than I do - but burning the immortal words of Catherine Popehater is a bridge too far."

So the search for Eccles continues. I'm Michael Voris, thank you for reading.

The Costa Blanca Michael Voris lookalike competition (3rd prize).

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice. I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.