This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Anti Moly's Memiors

"Has you got any organs, Anti?" I asked my dere Grate-Ant Moly a few days ago.
"Well, we has got an old barrel organ in de attic," she said. "As you know, I was a virtouso performer of de Yakety Sax tune at Methoddist funerals, in my yuonger days. Also I used to take Bosco out into de street to make music, when he was a wee lad."

Moly and Bosco makin luvvly music

Dat's Anti Moly and my dere bruvver Bosco givvin a recittal in de street.

"Nope, I don't fink dat's what I meant, Anti," I explaned. "You see dere is a loony in Manchesster wot finks dat Jessus had both male and female organs. Dem's what dey calls hermenuetics. De Pop knows all about it."

Anti Moly told me I was an idoit (dem's creul words, Anti), and went on to reveel dat de time has come to write her memiors, becuase she has lived a very interrestin life, and it is only rihgt dat de humman race shuold be able to read all abuot it. At pressent all she does is reveal little snippets of her autoboigraphy on uvver poeple's blogg, which of cuorse is much more interrestin dan discussin de actaul topic of de blogg.

"But you is very busy, Anti, pickin fights wiv Cathlics 24/7," I said. "Why doesnt you get someone to gohst-write de book?"
"Dat's a good idea, Eccles," said Anti Moly. "I can tell dem de story about how I trekked in de Himalayers lookin for de Dolly Llama, and got mistaken for de Abonimable Snowman. Also de true facts about my romances wiv Hermann Gorring and Cradinal Pell. Den dey can write it up propperly."

Anti is still very cross becuase George Pell refusses to admit dat he ever knew her, but she is tryin to console herself wiv anuvver admirrer, wot comes ruond to drink cammomile tea wiv her (dat's a code word we is now using for cream de menth, cos we doesnt want people to fink she drinks a lot).

Moly's new admirrer

We has tried askin St Cuttley, de cellebrated novelist, author of de best-cellar "Thopmson takes charge," to gohst-write Anti's memiors, but he has very pollitely declinned, cos de stresses of copin wiv his fambly is keepin him too busy.

I mentoined to Anti Moly dat dere is a tallented writer wot keeps donkeys on de Costa Blanca (Spane), and wot is very used to writin under false names, but she went into a fit of historics and I had to give her some more cammomile tea - if you knows what I mean (dere is a sutble clue below).

camomile tea

So we is still finkin abuot a gohst-writer. Dere's a cosstume holly man called Peter Mullen wot has retired now, and mihgt be availlable. Or else dere is Damain Thopmson, wot dont seem to be doin very much dese days.

I spose I might try writin up Anti Moly's memiors myself, but I is reely quite busy wiv dis blogg, wot gives spiritaul nuorishment to many poeple who wants to be saved.

I is concluddin today wiv a jolly pitcher of a dove, as authenticatted by Anti Moly de grate orthinologist. I fink it is saying "Ho Ho, you aint saved!"

Not a cement dove


  1. As a tallented writter on the Costa Blanca wot keeps donkeys, I should point out that I only do gost writting for gosts. Your anti Molly sounds like some sort of pre-gost, wot is still alive but just pretending to be dead from the neck upwards. I would find it very difficult to writ the memiors of such a half dead sujbect.

  2. I am not dead yet, and I *do* hope that Lord Jesus will bring me among the Communion of the Saints in the Afterlife -- and whilst I live on the French Riviera instead of the Costa Blanca, and whilst I keep no donkey, I'm pretty sure that if I return as some sort of ghost, haunting this material plane as a baleful presence of destruction of evil, then cripes !! I'll simply have to admit to having been one of Molly's sockpuppets all of this time !!! Woe !!!

    (now, where did I put that last slice of carpet, and hmmm best ask slaveboy Pholas to run down to the Paki's for some bottles of gin to help fuel tonight's hate mail campaign against the woeful traddy claque)

  3. Here is an example of my ghost writing skills, if your Auntie is interested :

    WoooOOOOOooohh ....


    WWWWoooooooOOOOOOOOOooooohhhhhh !!!!!

    [Molly's computer suddenly flies across the room and smashes into the gin cabinet smashing bottles]

    WWWWWWoooooooEEEEeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuuuuFFFFffffffuuuuuuoooooooollllll !!!!!!!!!!!!

    [unearthly screams suddenly ring out, while images of Benedict Carter and the Rabbit appear, receiving the Holy Communion on the tongue]

    NNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooOOOOOOoooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    TrrraaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaddyyyyyyyyyy Caaaaaaaaaathoooooooooolic SPIT !! SPIT !! sssssSSSsssssssssockpuppitssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssss .... sSSSSSSSSssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssSSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Um, you is a polterghost, aint you?

      I fink Anti Moly gets a lotta probblems wiv ghosts huanting her. I shuold blogg about it, one of dese days.