This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Protect the Bishop!

Following the closure of the Protect the Pope blog on the orders of Bishop Michael Campbell, many orthodox Catholics are extremely angry, using phrases such as "dimwitted bully", "what's he got to hide?", "puppet of the Magic Circle" and "who made this clueless old goat a bishop?"

deacon gagged

Note that Deacon Donnelly maintains a dignified silence.

This blog refuses to go along with such criticism, arguing that bishops are always right, even when they're wrong. So we are launching Protect the Bishop, a website which aims to support our bishops in those difficult decisions such as: should I be a wise shepherd of my flock, supporting my priests and deacons when they are faithful Catholics loyal to the Magisterium of the Church, or should I act like a power-crazed loony knowing that Rome is a long way away and nobody will do anything about it?

sheep and goats

Did you want the sheep on the right and the goats on the left, or vice-versa?

We can see where Deacon Donnelly went wrong. Why couldn't he have simply written a nice, boring, everything-in-the-garden-is-wonderful blog, similar to Bishop Campbell's, which is not expected to be shut down? It could have had lots of pictures of Bishop Campbell in it, doing all the wonderful things bishops do when there's a photographer handy. Take a few tips from the brilliant prose of your bishop!

Bishop Campbell

The Reading is taken from Protect the Pope. Hang on a minute...

Dear Diary. On Holy Thursday we had the Chrism Mass, attended by all the devoted priests of the diocese. When I came outside I found that one of my clergy had kindly left a leaflet about retirement homes for bishops at my house - well, in fact it was thrown through the window attached to a brick, but it's the thought that counts! But I'm only 72, and I intend to carry on until people say I'm no longer able to do the job properly.

Later, I washed my feet, because that's what bishops do on Holy Thursday. I also heard some Confessions: one of the most shocking was someone who admitted to owning a computer! For those who don't know what these are, they are engines possessed by demons, and only to be used by people of the rank of Bishop or higher.

Magic Circle

The Magic Circle: an ACTA representative prepares for a non-liturgical service.

On Easter Day - now this'll surprise you - we celebrated the Resurrection. As a bishop I explained in my homily whose Resurrection it was: it's one of those obscure facts that I learnt for my become-a-bishop exam. When they woke up at the end the congregation were all impressed by my episcopal erudition.

Yes, that's the sort of hard-hitting blog we expect to see in the Lancaster diocese.

murder of Becket

A turbulent priest is punished for blogging too frankly.

So, building on an idea of Richard Waghorne, we feel that we should mark the bishop's courageous gagging of a turbulent deacon by loudly singing Shine, Jesus, Shine in celebration. But please, not outside Campbell Towers at 4 a.m.

Protect the Bishop tee-shirts are now available in a full range of liturgically-appropriate colours, suitable to be worn by altar-servers.


  1. Darling eccles - as you has not been closed down, that must mean you is really a bishop xx Jess

  2. Ah, if we voted for those to be consecrated bishop (heaven preserve us) gonads might be in evidence beneath the mitres.
    Defence of Catholicism gradually goes underground and becomes anonymous, again.

  3. Dear Sir,

    As a catholic with a small "c" and a significant IT consultant in the progressive diocese of Lancaster, I wish Nick and his wife all the best in their retirement. Now is not the time to start crowing over our victory, but it has to be said that we used our connections well.

    Alex Wallpaper,
    Lancaster AcTA
    (Alzheimers catholic Trotskyist Association)

    1. I think I heard you on Radio Pendle the other day,explaining that Pope Francis. had engaged Lancaster ACTA to rewrite the Catechism for the 21st Century, under the working title "Love is the Thing - Catholicism Isn't".

      It i a wonderful radio station - my apologies for knocking the aerial off the shed roof, while practising stunt flying with my friend Demdike. Still - I believe you will be broadcasting on the thorny topic of "Fair trade condoms for all" at Radio Raspberry Ribble on Friday, and I look forward to engaging in dialogue, as a representative of the local Traddy Pagans.

  4. Move along! Nothing to see here!! Just giving one of those orthodox, obedient-to-Deposit-of-Faith-and-morals types the opportunity to practice obedience to one whose responsibility it is to ensure there are no impediments to the clear field for the creators of the New Church, with brand new and world-friendly doctrines and morality.

    1. Hurry up creating that new church. It has to be ready in time for the Apocalypse.

  5. "Protect the Bishop tee-shirts are now available in a full range of liturgically-appropriate colours, suitable to be worn by altar-servers."

    Girl altar-servers (and lady EMHCs) are reminded that these should be worn over the regulation black polyester slacks.

  6. This is why Fr Z doesn't give his full name.......the bishop can't find out.

  7. Darling eccles - is our new slogan "I agree with Nick"? xx Jess