How to be a good pope 2.0

So it has happened. The previous pope (let's call him Fred the Humble) has finally died, and you have gone through the process involved in choosing a successor.

It was arduous: you were locked in a room with over 100 lunatics (and a few sane people), and told that you could not eat, drink, or go to the lavatory until a victim had been selected. After disposing of the silly candidates, such as Pah-Oh-Lin, the financial wizard who wanted China to run the Vatican, and Raggle-Taggle, the dancer who sang "Imagine" to the conclave before bursting into tears, the choice fell on you.

"Tell me what Eccles says I should do."

What should you do now, apart from prayer? (And don't pray that it was all a bad dream, as it wasn't!) Well, you must start slowly. Start by pretending that St Fred the Humble is already canonized and is looking down on the Church benevolently - which he never did when he was alive. You can do this by saying things like "He has gone back to his Father's House" without mentioning that this is precisely what the Prodigal Son did. This is called the Heretic of Continuity (memo: check spelling).

So far you have support from the most unlikely sources: traditionalists such as Cardinal Sally of Africa, and popesplainers such as little Jane Austen of Oxford. But will they continue to support you?

The man from "Where Pachamama Is" is also backing you so far.

Things you must not do, at least not in the first month:

1. Declare Pope Fred the Humble an anti-pope, and have his corpse taken away in a van (as he did with his predecessor);

2. Sack all the basket cases more controversial appointments, such as Kisso and Ferrero Rocher;

3. Rush into print with lots of new Apostolic Exhortations contradicting everything that was said in the last 12 years.

Long-standing readers of this blog will appreciate this meeting with Bishop Campbell.

No, a little diplomacy is needed. Pope Fred contradicted all his predecessors without admitting that he was doing this, so you can do the same:

1. Say how much you admire Amorous Letitia, but stress the importance of married life and the evils of divorce.

2. Praise Traditionalists Crushed, but point out that in fact it does not mean that there can be any restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass. Which brings us onto the next piece of advice.

3. Do nothing about the Bishop of Charlatan in the USA who gets his pastoral ideas from the Gestapo Handbook. You are confident that the outcry over his wackier edicts, e.g.

no suits and ties for men;
no silence before Mass - talking to your neighbours is compulsory;
guitar and tambourine only - no organ; 
no male altar-servers, just girls in mini-skirts; 
women can wear mitres but not mantillas;

will soon convince him to look for a job more suited to his talents, such as prison warder. Either that or he'll back down and claim that it was a "draft".

An alternative to mantillas.

4. Praise Fiddled Supplies, but interpret it carefully to mean that blessing same-sex couples is a no-no. This may upset Fr Martin James LGBTSJ, but he's already sulking at the prospect of no further photo-opportunities with a pope.

5. It would be going too far to praise Pachamama and Rupnik, but make it known that Pope Fred's views are to be respected. Meanwhile, quietly burn all the idols and lock the sex maniac in a dark dungeon with rats.

Don't worry. You probably have plenty of time in which to Make Catholicism Holy Again. I'll be back later with more advice, Holy Father, so watch this space!

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Apologies for writing an entirely serious post this time. I am humbled by the fact that the AI program Grok is better at humour than I am. I asked it to write a prayer for humility in the style of P.G. Wodehouse, and it managed this (click to enlarge it):

How can I possibly compete?

How to spot an unsaved person

Let's start the year as we mean to continue, with works of mercy, which include smiting the heretic (or at least, instructing the ignorant and admonishing the sinners).

Father John Z has recently blogged about being blocked on Twitter by Rosica [Rosie] and Faggioli [Beans/Mr Bean] - two people who get a lot of praise on this blog - and he has a point. In fact, everyone on Twitter, including @pontifex, is blocked by Rosie, so Fr Z gets no points for that. Somehow Beans hasn't yet blocked me, but then he is a man of great intellect, at least by the standard of most beans.

For me, the simplest way to find people heading for the Lake of Fire is to see who blocks me on Twitter. So let's start with the most Eminent, and work downwards.

"You're blocked!"

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier came out well during the 2015 Synod on the Family, signing a letter complaining about the absurd way it was run. However, he later backed down, and became an uncritical fan of Amoris Laetitia, even though it contains some distinctly dodgy passages.

In fact, he turned into a combination of Candide and Polynanna, tweeting random phrases from the dreaded AL. "Love is never having to say you're sorry." "Love is like a tin of sardines, we're all looking for the key." "Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere." That sort of thing.

Several people asked him questions, in particular, about why heretical interpretations were being put forward, and not contradicted by the Vatican. For a while he blustered and flustered, but anyway in the end he gave up trying to answer questions and blocked poor Eccles, who only wanted to learn from the master.

It's a pity that he's destined for the Lake of Fire, as sometimes he said what more cardinals should be saying.

We move on to the Bishop of Lancaster, Michael Gregory Campbell OSA. A man who nearly made it into the top flight of English bishops (along with Egan, Davies, Hopes, and one or two more), he has done some very good things: for example, speaking out against abortion, and telling ACTA to go boil their heads. We haven't seen much of ACTA lately, but maybe that is because they have already won (Vincent Nichols seems to like them), or maybe it is because they were banished to Gehenna by Michael Campbell. I don't know.

Unfortunately, the Diocese of Lancaster website, and so, by association, the bishop, blocked me on Twitter, probably because I criticised the big mistake of Mike's reign at Lancaster. Remember? He suppressed the Protect the Pope blog. Why did he do it? Well the story is that various people were very upset by it (I don't think Tina Beattie was a fan), and somehow Vinnie Nichols, in one of his first moves as Cardinal, decided to lean on Mike. A sad case.

Tea and sympathy for the bishop.

I still read the bishop's blog, and it used to contain a regular "Here I am having tea with nuns" picture. However, once I pointed this out, the pictures stopped appearing. I hope that Mike is still getting lots of tea from nuns, even if he is too bashful to admit it.

Going down the food chain, we come to mere priests like Rosie and Jim (Rosica and Martin), Spider (Spadaro), and lesser forms of life such as Austen Ivereigh (the Voice of Catholicism), plus comedy vicars like "Rev" Kate Bottley, and professional atheists such as Owen Jones, Stephen Fry, and Richard Dawkins.

These people are already in the world to get as much publicity for themselves as possible, despite their incredibly limited talents, so let's not discuss them. But there is a surprise in the tail!

Could Spadaro be saved after all?

As a unique act of Mercy^TM, Fr Antonio Spadaro has recently unblocked me, along with a whole swathe of other saved persons. My own cynical theory is that he suspects that one of us is the great Marcantonio Colonna, author of The Dictator Pope, and he is watching us carefully to see who it is. I admit nothing.

Anyway, everyone knows that MC is really Fr Zuhlsdorf...

Protect the Pope allowed to resume

After two years of "voluntary" suspension, it is reported that Deacon Nick Donnelly's highly popular Protect the Pope blog is to restart operations. Older readers will remember that Deacon Nick was ordered by his bishop, Michael Campbell of Lancaster, to cease (voluntarily) from providing spiritual nourishment to the world, and instead withdraw for a period of prayer and reflection. Faithful to the Spirit of Humpty Dumpty, "When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean," +Mike explained that this did not mean that he had shut down Protect the Pope.

Apparently, bishops themselves have no need to spend time in prayer and reflection, for the bishop's own hard-hitting blog continues to flourish, and is regarded as the best place on the Internet to find pictures of a bishop having tea with nuns.

Michael Campbell is lost in admiration.

According to reports, Bishop Campbell has been a guilty, tortured person ever since he didn't close down Protect the Pope. For two years he has lain awake at nights, thinking of the deacon he wronged. Although he tried reading the works of Tina Beattie, Timothy Radcliffe and even Michael Coren, he still found it difficult to get to sleep. In vain he tried to atone by saintly actions such as giving St. Walburge's church, Preston, to the Institute of Christ the King Sovereign Priest, and by rebuking the dissident group ACTA, but the one great wrong he had committed (or not committed) remained unrighted.

We are currently enjoying the Year of Mercy, and this also seems to have pushed Michael Campbell in the direction of a reprieve for PtP. After all, nobody wants to go down in history as "Mike the Merciless", least of all a bishop.

Flash Gordon's Ming the Merciless. Unpopular in the Catholic Church this year.

Since Deacon Donnelly's voluntary suspension in 2014, the Catholic Church has been effectively rudderless. Pope Francis himself has been unwilling to give coherent moral leadership, except on rare occasions, and, as for Vincent Nichols, well you "might as well ask the cat", in the immortal words of Basil Fawlty. Now that the Superdeacon is back, it should not be long before the Pope is properly protected again, and the wicked are put to flight. Or something.

New vestments for the Bishop of Lancaster

Cardinal Nichols joins Twitter

Somebody claiming to be Cardinal Vincent Nichols has joined Twitter as @cardinalnichols. Since the Westminster Diocese account seems to endorse him, we have to believe that this is the real Vin posting, and not a rude and naughty sockpuppet.

The good cardinal's first tweet already contains two gaffes, for he refers to the Corpus Christi procession starting on Sunday from Farm Street Church. So, he'll be setting off three days after the pope, and he's chosen a church associated with the infamous "gay masses". Oh dear, perhaps someone is trying to make him look silly, after all.

Pope Francis celebrates Corpus Christi on the correct day.

As the Synod of the Family (Part 2) gears up for action, all the sides involved are trying to keep a high profile, rather as if the Holy Spirit were going to be swayed by whoever shouted the loudest. It cannot be long before the great Cardinal Kasper ("the pope's jester") makes an appearance on Twitter, perhaps with a "deranged tweet of the day" to entertain his followers. The pope said this... the pope didn't say this... I know the pope thinks this... I never said that the pope thought that...

Of course some senior clergy have no trouble with computers.

The Bishop of Lancaster reads his favourite blog (apart from this one).

Anyway, your Eminence, I know you're a great fan of this blog, so do take a bit of advice. Try and say something spiritually nourishing, not just the usual celebrity Twitter-stuff such as: @cardinalnichols Having a glass of wine with my fish today. Only Vin ordinary lol.

Vincent Nichols enjoys one of Eccles's jokes.

Here's a suggestion, Cardinal. You could, for example, quote bits of the Bible at us (it's the large black book on your shelves, covered in dust), or simply tell us what a great idea marriage is, when considered as a contract for life between a man and a woman. Still, if you want, I can lend you a joke or two about the pope's recent and very humble appearance with tatty sleeves - something about his making too many off-the-cuff remarks? Ha ha ha. Well, my aunt liked it.

Be not a-frayed!

P.S. I've been wearing shirts with frayed cuffs for years, but until now I didn't know I was a leader of fashion. Next, the pope will be copying my holey socks.

The life of a secret nun

With the news that Pope Francis has killed the fatted calf for the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (the "prodigal nuns"), some readers have contacted me, saying "Who are these ladies? They don't look like nuns at all. Could they be the Women's Institute?"

"F" briefs the secret nuns.

Let me make it clear at the outset that I will have no truck with any jokes about their unusual habits. Now, where we?

The secret - or plain-clothes - nuns are an elite order of Catholic agents. They go around in "mufti", and are in most respects indistinguishable from ordinary members of the public. Their director, "F" has given some of them a "Licence to Pray", although this is only permitted in emergencies. One of their most famous agents is "Double-six seven", 667, or Jackie Bond, who often introduces herself by "The name's Bond, Sister Bond".

In England, "M" entertains some less prestigious "uniformed" nuns.

Some of the films in which Sister Bond's exploits have been recorded are Dr Küng, From Eccleston Square with Love, You're Only Resurrected Once, On His Holiness's Secret Service, and The Man with the Golden Vestments. Fans of the Bond series will remember another recurring character, the eccentric Cardinal K, who provides our heroine with the latest in a series of improbable new doctrines produced in his laboratory. Many of them don't work properly, or have undesirable side-effects.

Cardinal Martini - shaken but not stirred.

One question remains though: why are all "F"'s secret agents old ladies in their 70s? Wouldn't a younger agent be better able to thwart the plans of Ernst Stavro Dawkins or Rosa Toynbee? Sister Bond admits that this might be so, but maintains that it is all part of her disguise as a harmless old woman, whom nobody could possibly take seriously; and so far this is the case.

Eccles is blocked

It has become something of a matter of pride to be blocked on Twitter by George Galloway, Even Tom Chivers managed it by tweeting "booooooooooooooo" at him, which will probably even get him sued. George is a much-misunderstood fellow, who managed to make friends wherever he went, especially if it was Saddam Hussein's Baghdad or a Hamas knees-up. Not many people know that he is a talented cat-impersonator and an expert on forced marriage. Will he be re-elected as Respected MP for Bradford West? Well, that all depends on whether he captures the Jewish vote.

Most likely to say: "Many of my best friends are Israelis."

Still, I have managed to get blocked by many on Twitter in my time. The roll of honour includes another great hero of mine, Richard Dawkins, the distinguished zoologist, theologian, poet and moral philosopher. Originally an expert on chickens, he has now diversified his interested into selfish genes, blind watchmakers, and deluded gods. Professor Dawkins understands that to be a good scientist, you have to have a spiritual dimension to your life. He is a deeply sensitive man, who is anxious never to give offence. If he stood in Bradford West, he would certainly have many Muslims supporting him.

Most likely to say: "Of course, I'm probably wrong."

Many people will be surprised to know that I have been blocked by Professor Tina Beattie, the well-known professor of Money, Life and Health (or something like that). Tina is a Catholic after my own heart - well, after her own heart, actually - and from her I have learned many things about the Catholic faith that no priest or bishop would ever dare to tell me. Her ground-breaking God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, is probably the only book on theology that I could recommend to people who enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey. O Tina, tell me it was just a misunderstanding!

Correction: I am not blocked. But I thought I was...

Most likely to say: "The important thing is to remain true to Catholic teaching."

Even more puzzling is my cold-shouldering by Damian Thompson, the Spectator's publisher for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing (or something like that). In the good old days of Telegraph blogs, when Friday night was sock-puppet night, we found that we had many common interests, such as Catholicism, custard, and the oeuvre of Gladys Mills. To add insult to injury, once the organ-grinder had spurned me, so did the monkey (Paul Priest), a man considered to be Corby's answer to James Joyce.

Most likely to say: "I think of Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor as my mentor."

And so it goes on. The Diocese of Lancaster blocked me after I constantly praised its bishop's tough line on bloggers. Stephen Fry was so embarrassed by my description of him as the cleverest man of this age or indeed any age, that he humbly blocked me. On the other hand, Catherine Pepinster, Polly Toynbee and Giles Fraser - people who provide me with much quiet amusement - still haven't blocked me, so perhaps there is some hope that they can be saved. Oh, and this man hasn't blocked me, either: indeed, quite the reverse!

Pope Francis writes a tweet inspired by Eccles's blog.

Pope Francis upsets the Turks

Ahmet Davutoglu, Prime Minister of Turkey, has angrily condemned Pope Francis's description of the Ottoman Empire's murder of 1.5 million Armenians as "the first genocide of the 20th century".

"Hey, Francis, we only killed half the population. Not a real genocide!"

Clearly, mentioning this sort of thing is bad manners, and according to poor injured Ahmet "an evil front is being formed before us. Now the pope has joined it and these plots." Apparently, this is the end of the famous saying "Turkey's voting for Christians". Pope Francis, in turn, has responded by giving up turkish delight, which he was going to do anyway, given that doctors had told him he was getting overweight.

The Holy Father is no longer delighted.

We are expecting further outspoken comments from the pope any time now. It is thought that he may mention the War (you know, it involved someone called Adolf Hitler, generally understood to be something of a bad egg), if he can face the wrath of Angela Merkel. Or he may go even further and talk about Stalin, in which case Vladimir Putin won't be sending him any more Christmas cards.

Preparing for a meeting with Angela Merkel.

Of course Turkey is one of our highly esteemed allies in NATO, so that if Pope Francis's tactless mention of the Armenians is to be regarded as an attack on it, then the UK, USA, etc., will be asked to declare war on the Vatican. The UK is already calling up its shock troops, the geriatric ACTA Brigade, which has been dying to have a pop at the pope for several years, especially during this era of diplomatic tension with the Bishop of Lancaster.

ACTA's youth coordinator rushes to the defence of Turkey.

Bishop revives "Protect the Pope" blog

Having studied my recent article, entitled Is your bishop saved? Mgr Michael Campbell, Bishop of Lancaster and an old friend of this blog, has decided to do something noble. On his own blog he has attacked ACTA, the dissent group that was a source of many Protect the Pope articles.

"Eccles tells me you may be saved after all."

We have not yet contacted Bishop Campbell for a statement, but we believe that he intends to revive the Protect the Pope blog under another name. So far he has not yet installed a little widget that tells you how long it is since Enda Kenny should have been excommunicated (1 year, 7 months, 4 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours and a few minutes at the time of writing), but I am sure that it will be coming soon.

We are also looking forward to in-depth articles about the evils of QUEST, the Soho Masses Pastoral Council, Tony Flannery, Tina Beattie, Basil Loftus, old uncle Tim Radcliffe and all. Or maybe not, as most of these do not operate in his diocese (when Basil Loftus goes down to London from Ochmahairasee to collect his thirty pieces of silver from the Catholic Times, he always uses the East Coast Main Line, rather than the West, in order to to avoid trouble in Lancaster).

Cardinal Ouellet and friends excommunicate Enda Kenny as gently as possible.

Bishop Campbell's robust attack on ACTA has been vigorously supported by Cardinal Vincent Nichols. "I do not think that secret societies, with their passwords, funny handshakes and odd rituals, provide the best method for conducting dialogue of this sort," he explained. "I much prefer it when people come out in the open and write letters to the Catholic Herald, or else appear on BBC Radio 4 talking to Ed 'Stewpot' Stourton. That's the sort of dialogue the Pope has asked for, not the cloak-and-dagger tactics favoured by ACTA."

Ed "Stewpot" Stourton interviews a member of ACTA.

Anyway, following Bishop Campbell's initiative, we look forward to seeing other bishops follow suit. Will we see a "Protect the Pope (Arundel and Brighton Branch)"? Well, miracles do happen...

Is your bishop saved?

So 450 (saved) Catholic priests have written a letter to the Catholic Herald, saying, in effect, that they are OK with Christian teaching and don't want to change it. However, there are reports that some senior churchmen have been applying pressure against signing the letter; moreover, the notoriously publicity-shy Cardinal Nichols has rebuked them for communicating with the press, issuing them with a supply of bushels, under which they are instructed to hide their lights.

A quick calculation using my fingers and toes suggests that, if invited, three bishops would definitely have signed the letter, or at most five. The rest... oh dear. As a now-forgotten journalist called Damian Thompson once put it, "The Magic Circle".

This is what a saved bishop looks like (Philip Egan).

It is time for a scientific analysis of our bishops, to decide whether they are saved or not. From Easter I shall keep an informal record of mentions of bishops (or at least the ones I notice) to see whether their actions are those of a saved or unsaved person. So Mgr Egan scored very well this week with his comments on abortion (against), same-sex marriage (against) and family life (for). He probably gets bonus points for upsetting Conor Burns MP.

Of course, some bishops are hardly ever in the news. For example, we have never had occasion to mention Bishop Drainey of Middlesbrough on this blog. Indeed, I suspect that unless you live in the Diocese of Middlesbrough you may not have heard of him (and possibly not even then).

Terence Drainey. Nice chasuble, but saved status unknown.

How about an unsaved bishop? Well, to take a hypothetical example, suppose that a bishop stopped one of his deacons from writing a totally orthodox Catholic blog, and gave a misleading account of the whole affair? Would he not be in a state of sin (and unsaved) until he repented and that deacon's gagging was ended? No matter how many worthy deeds he did in the mean time?

Ugh. Let's have another saved bishop.

Another saved bishop (Mark Davies).

So how can a bishop score points? Positive things are easy, but unfortunately rather rare: defend Catholic teaching, especially when it is attacked by MPs who really belong in the Goon Show; ban the Tablet; refuse to allow Timothy Radcliffe or Tina Beattie to speak on church property in your diocese; stick up for people who want traditional forms of worship; set up a fifty-mile-radius exclusion zone in which Paul Inwood's music is banned; you know, do all the things they taught you to do at bishop-school.

Negative things? Prevaricate about Catholic teaching; bully your clergy if they show signs of orthodoxy; encourage the Tablet; join in dodgy ecumenical services with Muslims and Hindus; invite dissident speakers; cosy up to ACTA... well of course none of the bishops would ever do such a thing.

Eccles (L) watches a very senior bishop to see whether he is saved.

Naturally, other countries have unsaved bishops too. There are distressing accounts of Bishop Bootkoski of New Jersey giving the bootkoski to Patricia Jannuzzi, a teacher in a Catholic school who defended traditional marriage. Well done, bishop: Cardinal Dolan, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade, would be proud of you.

"Show her the door, 44!" Bootcatholic calls out the Bingo numbers.

The Bishop of Lancaster's blog

Going Deeper Into Our Lenten Journey!

The true roots of Lent lie in Lancaster. We remember the trials of Deacon Donnelly in the wilderness, where he was sorely tempted by a heartless bishop. Hang on, that can't be right. Let's start again.

A new start. It is a year now since the deacon entered into a voluntary period of prayer and reflection on my orders, and many people are wondering how long his exile - which we described as a voluntary pause - will last.

"You will be my witnesses... unless Michael Campbell says otherwise.

My friend Eccles has kindly provided me with the "Eccles scale" by which you can judge the personality of a bishop by the length of the sentence he imposes on his clergy when other bishops are leaning on him to do something.

One week's pause. "A week is a long time in religion", as the saying goes - think of Holy Week. A kindly sympathetic bishop could ask his deacon to take a week off, and then resume his defence of the faith.

Forty days and forty nights. Lent is a time for sacrifice and reflection. I myself will be visiting the poor: some nuns have invited me round for tea and cakes, and we all know that they have a vow of poverty! Also, they make exceedingly good cakes! After forty days of meditation, a wise bishop would be ready to join his deacon in defending Catholic doctrine, and pfui! to the Magic Circle.

Visiting the poor!

Three months. After silencing his deacon for three months, a bishop needs to get him blogging again, or he (the bishop) will be regarded as a cruel taskmaster.

One year. This is getting beyond a joke. In the eyes of many the bishop is no longer a "cruel taskmaster" but a a "hard-hearted dictator".

Seven years. By then I will have retired to somewhere comfortable, preferably with lots of tea and cakes. The new bishop - unless it is someone bizarre like Timothy Radcliffe - will be only too pleased to see what Deacon Nick has to say.

Forty years. On my 112th birthday I shall make every effort to see that Deacon Donnelly's Protect the Pope blog is up and running again. Trust me, I'm a bishop.

Cardinal Burke is in town!

It has been reported that Cardinal Burke is in the Liverpool area, and I expect that he will want to make a pilgrimage to Lancaster, in order to visit a truly holy man (me). Ray Burke has said that priests should not sue bloggers, and I am fully in agreement with this. In my view, they should report the bloggers to their bishops for silencing, excommunication, and possibly chastising with a rope of knotted cords. It is probable that Cardinal Burke will wish to discuss this with me, so I look forward to seeing you, your Eminence. Change trains at Preston.

This sign should help you find me, Cardinal.

Some spiritual nourishment. The prophet Nathan came to King David, saying "There was a rich powerful man, who wrote a 'Bishop's blog' with a vast readership which was sometimes almost in double figures.
Then there was a poor man who wrote a humble blog that had only a few thousand hits per day.
The time came when a sacrifice was demanded, so the rich powerful man took the poor man's blog and destroyed it."
David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, "As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die!"
Then Nathan said to David, "Thou art the man!"

Nathan confronts David. Makes you think,eh?

And finally. Don't think I haven't noticed that Deacon Donnelly has been writing a nasty personal attack on Cardinal Kasper and Cardinal Baldisseri in the Irish paper Catholic Voice. That's not going to please my friend Vincent Nichols, I can tell you! The deacon attempts to confuse the issue by using words like "paratheke" (who does he think he is, Fr John Hunwicke?) but it's a blog in all but name. Will nobody rid me of this turbulent deacon?

The Campbell family. Spot the bishop!

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Postscript. Cardinal Burke came to tea, but he was very cross with me!

But Cardinal, it was a purely voluntary suspension...

Fifty Shades of Purple

This week shows the release of (some would say) an erotic film based on the lives of bishops. With explicit scenes of dominance and discipline, Fifty Shades of Purple is already being condemned by many faithful Christians.

A typical bishop, with his instrument of correction.

As one deacon remarked: "My bishop is very keen on discipline. First he gagged me, and then he tied my hands, so I was unable to go about my usual business of protecting the pope. I was forced to submit to his wishes. I think he sees it as a form of correction."

Another bishop, with his glamorous sidekick.

We invited the author of Fifty Shades, E.L. James, onto this blog to tell us more about the story, and to explain why her main character was called "Christian", but she told us "Sorry, I'm a bit tied up right now."

As the picture below shows, some bishops are unhappy about their exploits being revealed in this way.

"We're all DOOOOOMED!" says Bishop Frazer of Walmington-on-Sea.

Still, there is no doubt that some bishops lead far more exciting lives than the rest of us: who can sit through a "Bishop's Letter" without wondering whether they rather enjoy inflicting pain on people? Our last picture shows another scene from the film: it is so disgusting that many faithful Christians are calling for the whole work to be banned.

A shocking scene of bishops engaged in unnatural practices.

Religious predictions for 2015

Our predictions for 2013 were pretty much on target (we didn't repeat the exercise for 2014), so here is what is expected to happen in 2015.

January. ISIS troops run away in terror from an army of little old ladies. David Cameron celebrates this victory - for which he takes the credit - by going on yet another holiday to foreign fish-markets.

Training to combat ISIS.

February. Bishop Campbell discovers that Deacon Donnelly is still spilling the beans about bad behaviour in the Catholic Church, even though his "Protect the Pope" blog is closed down. He confiscates the deacon's laptop and telephone, places him under house arrest, and warns him to talk to nobody. Donnelly continues to proclaim the Catholic faith by means of smoke signals from his chimney.

March. Cardinal Dolan attends the New York St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. Rather than look ostentatious by parading in full clerical dress, he disguises himself as a golfer (see below).

"A cardinal, me? No, I'm just off for a game of golf."

April. Tony Flannery, the "silenced priest" is encouraged to go on a retreat to a Trappist monastery. However, he is thrown out after two days because he refuses to stop talking. He blames the Vatican.

May. Pope Francis welcomes a party of disabled children to the Vatican. In a three-hour harangue, he lists 94 faults that they are guilty of, and reduces the entire class to tears. At the end he concludes "Who am I to judge? I'm the pope, that's who I am."

Preparing to meet the pope.

June. Paul Inwood makes a desperate bid for recognition as a respectable composer by releasing his "Rest" (the word "Requiem", being in Latin, is unacceptable to him). After hearing the opening chorus "Eternal Rest, zzz, zzz, Eternal Rest", critics suggest that he take out all the notes and replace them with rests.

July. Arundel and Brighton hosts a "Woodstock II" happening to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the diocese. Kieran Conry asks if he can bring his "plus two" with him, but this is refused. With Rowan Williams, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Timothy Radcliffe as guests, the organizers realise that they are a little short of Catholics, and invite Hans Küng, Tony Flannery and Tina Beattie as additional speakers.

Distinguished speakers arrive for the Arundel and Brighton happening.

August. The Church of England is accused of "institutional sexism" as it is revealed that it has not had a male Supreme Governor for 63 years. Prince Charles offers to take over, with the title King Ali Krishna Siddhārtha Charles, defender of all faiths except Catholicism, but in the end Goodish Queen Bess continues as before.

September. Pope Francis publishes a biography of Austen Ivereigh, the great reformer, suggesting that Cormac Murphy-O'Connor had a hand in his election as head of Catholic Voices. A clarifying statement is issued soon afterwards, confirming that Ivereigh himself knew nothing of this.

Pope Francis presents Austen Ivereigh with a copy of his book.

October. The World Synod of Bishops is held. To make sure that the "right" decisions are taken, Pope Francis asks Cardinal Kasper to write the relatio in advance. He then "accidentally" sends out invitations with the wrong venue to Cardinals Burke, Pell, and Müller, who find themselves stuck in Trent.

November. Pope Francis resigns, saying that he's had enough. Cormac Murphy-O'Connor takes charge of "Team Nichols", with the result that the Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster is the surprise choice for pope. This is astonishing, as nobody had suspected that he was even a Catholic.

The Archbishop of Corby misses out again.

December. Pope Francis II (to give him his official title) invites Tina Beattie to lecture in the Vatican, and offers the Sistine Chapel as a base for the World Gay Catholic Society. The Tablet warmly approves this move.