Is your bishop saved?

So 450 (saved) Catholic priests have written a letter to the Catholic Herald, saying, in effect, that they are OK with Christian teaching and don't want to change it. However, there are reports that some senior churchmen have been applying pressure against signing the letter; moreover, the notoriously publicity-shy Cardinal Nichols has rebuked them for communicating with the press, issuing them with a supply of bushels, under which they are instructed to hide their lights.

A quick calculation using my fingers and toes suggests that, if invited, three bishops would definitely have signed the letter, or at most five. The rest... oh dear. As a now-forgotten journalist called Damian Thompson once put it, "The Magic Circle".

This is what a saved bishop looks like (Philip Egan).

It is time for a scientific analysis of our bishops, to decide whether they are saved or not. From Easter I shall keep an informal record of mentions of bishops (or at least the ones I notice) to see whether their actions are those of a saved or unsaved person. So Mgr Egan scored very well this week with his comments on abortion (against), same-sex marriage (against) and family life (for). He probably gets bonus points for upsetting Conor Burns MP.

Of course, some bishops are hardly ever in the news. For example, we have never had occasion to mention Bishop Drainey of Middlesbrough on this blog. Indeed, I suspect that unless you live in the Diocese of Middlesbrough you may not have heard of him (and possibly not even then).

Terence Drainey. Nice chasuble, but saved status unknown.

How about an unsaved bishop? Well, to take a hypothetical example, suppose that a bishop stopped one of his deacons from writing a totally orthodox Catholic blog, and gave a misleading account of the whole affair? Would he not be in a state of sin (and unsaved) until he repented and that deacon's gagging was ended? No matter how many worthy deeds he did in the mean time?

Ugh. Let's have another saved bishop.

Another saved bishop (Mark Davies).

So how can a bishop score points? Positive things are easy, but unfortunately rather rare: defend Catholic teaching, especially when it is attacked by MPs who really belong in the Goon Show; ban the Tablet; refuse to allow Timothy Radcliffe or Tina Beattie to speak on church property in your diocese; stick up for people who want traditional forms of worship; set up a fifty-mile-radius exclusion zone in which Paul Inwood's music is banned; you know, do all the things they taught you to do at bishop-school.

Negative things? Prevaricate about Catholic teaching; bully your clergy if they show signs of orthodoxy; encourage the Tablet; join in dodgy ecumenical services with Muslims and Hindus; invite dissident speakers; cosy up to ACTA... well of course none of the bishops would ever do such a thing.

Eccles (L) watches a very senior bishop to see whether he is saved.

Naturally, other countries have unsaved bishops too. There are distressing accounts of Bishop Bootkoski of New Jersey giving the bootkoski to Patricia Jannuzzi, a teacher in a Catholic school who defended traditional marriage. Well done, bishop: Cardinal Dolan, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade, would be proud of you.

"Show her the door, 44!" Bootcatholic calls out the Bingo numbers.

How to be a saint

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then obviously you are clearly slightly saved already. However, you may be interested in something better, namely, the reassurance that you will be heading straight for Heaven when you die, without any intermediate steps such as Purgatory, a Last Judgement (which could be very disagreeable, even if at the end you scrape through with a "Not Guilty" verdict), or anything else you might see as a possible hazard en route.

Two saints turn up at the Pearly Gates.

The first thing to remember is that saints are not actually saintly people. Consider the case of St Dismas, the "good thief". Along with his mate Gestas, the "bad thief", he made a complete nuisance of himself in 1st Century Palestine. With his mask, his striped jersey, and his bag marked "SWAG" - an unusual sight in Judæa - he would break into houses and steal primitive computers - Amstrads, probably - or pick pockets. Luckily, they never tried this on Jesus, who would have detected it instantly, as He did when the woman touched His cloak. Still, at the end (admittedly very painful for him), Dismas said the immortal words "It's a fair cop" and ended up in Heaven.

Dismal Dismas.

Moving on a bit, we come to St Augustine, with his famous saying, "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet." I know we live in a "who am I to judge?" era, but I really don't advise you to try this bit of gradualism at home. Augustine converted to Christianity at the age of 32: since he lived to be 75, he behaved himself, more or less, for 43 years, and just spent his spare time blogging. Incidentally, his mother was also a saint (Monica), but in general such titles are not hereditary. So we have here a different way to sainthood, and one more suitable for most of my readers, who are not thieves, as far as I know.

My third and last case study is Pope St John-Paul II. Like Dismas (on a Very High Authority Indeed) and Augustine (by Popular Acclaim), John-Paul was canonized very quickly - 9 years after his death - and the fact that he made it to pope may have had something to do with this. But even John-Paul did some startling things.

Kissing the Koran. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

We never got to the bottom of this story. Perhaps it was just John-Paul's habit to kiss any large book that came his way, whether it be a Bible, an Encyclopædia Vaticana, or even a humble telephone directory. The last is not such a bad idea, actually, as it may be interpreted as blessing all those within, yeah, even from brother A.A.A.A.0.0.0.Dyno-Plugg, the plumber, right through unto the blessed Zzygmunt Zzzzzzuhlsdorf of the Magic Circle (available for parties, weddings, and bishops' conferences). Still, kissing a Koran is something we do not generally advise.

John-Paul was of course a better man than we are, and has even been recognised to have performed some post-mortem miracles. Still, his route to sainthood is a hard one to follow, if only because we cannot all be popes.

Conclusion: I still haven't worked out a thoroughly reliable recipe for sainthood. More later, after I have consulted my brother Bosco, who is undeniably a saved person.

Could this be the way to Salvation?

Don't be a Donatist! Be nice to your bishop!

The Bones blog tells of a fascinating document Reflection Document for Clergy on Marriage and Family Life, produced by the CBCEW, warning clergy against the heresy of Donatism.

Robert Donat in "The 39 Articles Steps".

Donatism, as every schoolboy or girl knows, was a heresy condemned by St Augustine. This was in the time of Diocletian's persecution of Christians: Christians were being forced to bake cakes bearing slogans in favour of same-sex "marriage", other Christians lost their jobs when they repeated Christ's teaching on marriage and the family... Well, in these times, various Christians renounced their faith, or at least kept very quiet about it. Some bishops even allowed "gay" masses to take places in their dioceses, or invited known dissenters to lecture.

Now, when the the climate was a bit milder, and people felt able to speak freely once more, then the Donatists refused to accept the sacraments at the hands of such "apostates". This is heretical, and we must take the view that - however badly your bishop has behaved - he is still a priest in good standing. If he marries you - er, to someone else, that is - baptises your child, or anoints you with oil, or whatever, then it's all perfectly above board.

"Something's not quite right here, Vin."

In fact, the CBCEW letter isn't condemning true Donatists who may refuse to accept the legitimacy of priests: it is changing the meaning of the word to refer to those who refuse to give communion to remarried divorcees, those in same-sex relationships, and others who do not wish to give "Go and sin no more" a try. It's always a good move to label your political opponents with some obscure heresy, rather than coming out and saying exactly what you mean. We've been accused of neo-Pelagianism and Donatism; coming soon: accusations of Arianism, Marcionism and Montanism, or you may be identified as one of the Bogomils, the Patarini, the Dulcinians, the Waldensians or the Cathars.

Do you look like this? If so, you mean be guilty of Bogomilism.

The explanation for the gibberish in the CBCEW document is simple. It was written by all the bishops, sitting in a large "magic" circle, each taking it in turns to supply a word. Some of the bishops dozed off while this was being done, or woke up shouting "Drink!", so the process was not entirely reliable. As Mr Bones has hinted, "Donatist" was actually one portly bishop's cry for doughnuts.

Probe makes historic landing on Cormac

From our astonomical correspondent.

As reported elsewhere, a robot probe has made an historic landing on the heavenly (?) body Cormac Murphy-O'Connor.

The probe comes in to land on Cormac.

First reports indicate that although considered "eminent", the Cormac is a featureless wasteland unlikely to support much in the way of intelligent life. Sophisticated tests are being conducted for evidence of orthodoxy and spirituality, but scientists are pessimistic about the outcome.

The Cormac has long been a significant object in the constellation Circulus Magicus, and is of such a great age that many observers had expected it to fade away by this time. Nevertheless, it still exerts a mysterious force on other celestial objects, such as Cardinalis Amnesiae or the "Nichols Star"; however, its rogue satellite Kieranus Arundelis et Brighthelmstonis has now broken away, and is alleged to have been seen in the vicinity of Uxor Alii.

Watching Cormac from the Westminster observatory.

The Cormac has occasionally been sighted in Urbs Roma, where it exerts a mysterious gravitational attraction way beyond what is predicted by the normal laws of physics. This influence is considered undesirable, and may even be a cause of some recent chaotic behaviour observed in the great star Pontifex.

The Synod of Bridlington

As historians know, the twenty-first century was the beginning of the period known as the Dark Ages, a time of intellectual darkness and barbarity. The weather was harsh, and, thanks to a reliance on wind turbines and the energy generated by hamsters running around in little wheels, there were frequent periods when heat and light were no longer available.

The solution to an energy crisis.

Britain was subject to waves of invaders from overseas. Some came from Scandinavia in long ships, wearing horned helmets. Others came from Poland, armed with plungers, pipe cutters and wrenches; their only wish being to settle on these islands to unblock drains and mend leaking pipes. Still others came in from Muslim lands, showing a passionate hatred for sausages and women's rights.

Education was in decline. Whereas once all children knew Latin, Greek, advanced calculus, brain surgery, and the kings of Israel and Judah at the age of five, the majority of school-leavers in the twenty-first century were unable to read and write anything except text messages; they used numbers only for operating their mobile phones.

No longer a suitable gift for a five-year-old.

Religion was in a parlous state. Christianity was on the verge of dying out, or was being perverted into strange forms in the name of "modernization". It was illegal to refuse to bake a cake for a same-sex couple who wished to hold a "wedding", indeed it was even considered "extremist" to disagree with their redefinition of marriage. Catholic bishops had affairs with married women, the Anglicans allowed bishops to divorce and remarry, and the Baptists didn't even have bishops to show them how to behave.

Of the dreadful year of 2014, the monks wrote in the Anglo-Saxon chronicle, Ye power of ye Magick Circkle cometh not to an end, and a group of demons calling itself ACTA wieldeth influence in ye lande. In other news, ye Pope in Rome hath decreed that ye feast of Alle Saintes shall be on ye first day of November, yet ye rascally bishops, led, so they say, by ye mischievous Cardinal Nickels, have chosen to move it to the Sundaye. And now a quick look at ye weather: it is expected to be cold and dark for the next 200 years.

Ye synod starteth at Bridlington.

In the end, another synod was called, at the Yorkshire town of Bridlington, so that the Catholic Church in England and Wales might agree on the date of All Saints (they had originally planned to hold the meeting in Whitby, as on an earlier occasion, but all the hotels were booked up). The Scottish church did not participate: they were loyal to the pope, and celebrated All Saints on the 1st November; besides, they were more interested in what came after, namely the day of "A' Souls", named in honour of Alexander yclept Salmon.

The Lord smiteth Alexander yclept Salmon.

So Catholicism in England and Wales stood on the brink: would it show loyalty to Pope Francis the Humble, or to Cardinal Nichols the Cunning? Would a new St Hilda emerge to put to flight the forces of rebellion? Er, well, ...

Worshipping dead fish

There is a possible interpretation of the Bible that says that Jesus came into the world to supply us with dead fish. This viewpoint is held by the Episcatorian Church, part of the Anglercan Communion; for them the feeding of the five thousand on bread and fish is a central part of Jesus's ministry, together with the events after the Resurrection, when He advised His disciples how to catch fish and then prepared them a fish breakfast cooked on a fire of burning coals.

A miracle involving fish.

Prime Minister David Cameron is of course a man of strong religious convictions, and, although he does not speak often of this, a pious Episcatorian. His trip round the fish-markets of Portugal at the time of Armageddon has been widely mocked (including, regrettably on this blog), but he was merely undertaking a pilgrimage in accordance with the tenets of his deeply-held piscine faith.

A dedicated fish-worshipper visits some holy shrines.

Episcatorians sing many of the modern hymns that Anglercans love, such as "Follow me, follow me, leave your home and family, Leave your fishing nets and boats upon the shore" and "If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings, ..., If I were a fish in the sea, I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee", together with modified versions of more traditional hymns, such as "Be still, my sole" and "Hark! The herald angelfish". They generally conclude their service with the traditional "The piece of cod which passeth all understanding".

On the side of the angelfish.

I hope that this clarifies the situation, and will put an end to malicious comments about David Cameron along the lines of "Why is he totally ignoring what ISIS is up to? Why doesn't he ask for a recall of parliament? Why does he make even Obama look good by comparison?" Our pious Prime Minister will pray for peace in the way he knows best, by visiting yet more fish shops, and he will leave the military aspects to Pope Francis, who is even now planning to drop an elite force of "Magic Circle" bishops in Iraq.

Protect the Bishop!

Following the closure of the Protect the Pope blog on the orders of Bishop Michael Campbell, many orthodox Catholics are extremely angry, using phrases such as "dimwitted bully", "what's he got to hide?", "puppet of the Magic Circle" and "who made this clueless old goat a bishop?"

Note that Deacon Donnelly maintains a dignified silence.

This blog refuses to go along with such criticism, arguing that bishops are always right, even when they're wrong. So we are launching Protect the Bishop, a website which aims to support our bishops in those difficult decisions such as: should I be a wise shepherd of my flock, supporting my priests and deacons when they are faithful Catholics loyal to the Magisterium of the Church, or should I act like a power-crazed loony knowing that Rome is a long way away and nobody will do anything about it?

Did you want the sheep on the right and the goats on the left, or vice-versa?

We can see where Deacon Donnelly went wrong. Why couldn't he have simply written a nice, boring, everything-in-the-garden-is-wonderful blog, similar to Bishop Campbell's, which is not expected to be shut down? It could have had lots of pictures of Bishop Campbell in it, doing all the wonderful things bishops do when there's a photographer handy. Take a few tips from the brilliant prose of your bishop!

The Reading is taken from Protect the Pope. Hang on a minute...

Dear Diary. On Holy Thursday we had the Chrism Mass, attended by all the devoted priests of the diocese. When I came outside I found that one of my clergy had kindly left a leaflet about retirement homes for bishops at my house - well, in fact it was thrown through the window attached to a brick, but it's the thought that counts! But I'm only 72, and I intend to carry on until people say I'm no longer able to do the job properly.

Later, I washed my feet, because that's what bishops do on Holy Thursday. I also heard some Confessions: one of the most shocking was someone who admitted to owning a computer! For those who don't know what these are, they are engines possessed by demons, and only to be used by people of the rank of Bishop or higher.

The Magic Circle: an ACTA representative prepares for a non-liturgical service.

On Easter Day - now this'll surprise you - we celebrated the Resurrection. As a bishop I explained in my homily whose Resurrection it was: it's one of those obscure facts that I learnt for my become-a-bishop exam. When they woke up at the end the congregation were all impressed by my episcopal erudition.

Yes, that's the sort of hard-hitting blog we expect to see in the Lancaster diocese.

A turbulent priest is punished for blogging too frankly.

So, building on an idea of Richard Waghorne, we feel that we should mark the bishop's courageous gagging of a turbulent deacon by loudly singing Shine, Jesus, Shine in celebration. But please, not outside Campbell Towers at 4 a.m.

Protect the Bishop tee-shirts are now available in a full range of liturgically-appropriate colours, suitable to be worn by altar-servers.

Moveable feasts

Although Catholics in England and Wales are apparently out of step with much of the rest of the Christian world, the Catholic Bishops' Conference has announced new arrangements for the major religious festivals.

And when the time came for Jesus to depart, He said "Let's do it on Sunday instead."

First, as has already been noted by many people, almost everyone - from the Pope downwards - believes that today is Ascension Day. However, the Magic Circle has decided to defer it to Sunday. This is believed to be because there is a highly important football match taking place tonight (Leicester v. Watford), which several bishops are unwilling to miss.

There is also Eastenders: apparently, Roxy finds herself in a dangerous situation when she gets some unwanted attention (a situation in which Vincent Nichols often finds himself).

Today is an unholy day of obligation, when all Catholics much watch Eastenders.

Looking ahead, the CBCEW has announced that Christmas Day has been moved to the nearest Sunday, December 22nd 2013. This will have the advantage that believers will be able to finish their Christmas shopping a few days before everyone else, and spend most of the next two weeks in an alcoholic stupor watching television, like the rest of the country.

Arrangements for Lent have similarly been altered. Ash Wednesday will of course become Ash Sunday (which is so much more convenient for everyone), and Good Friday will also become Good Sunday. There is an obvious technical problem here: thus, the Nicene Creed used in church has been modernised so that it now says that Jesus "rose again on the seventh day in accordance with the Scriptures." Which means in fact that the Bible will also have to be retranslated under the direction of the Magic Circle ("for forty days appearing to them" should have been "forty-three," anyway).

St Luke is persuaded to change "forty" to "forty-three."

The changes have been greeted with enthusiasm in some circles. Said a spokesman for the Tablet: "Ha ha, another kick in the teeth for the Pope! He should know that only religious nutters go to church on any day of the week except Sundays. And thank goodness we all stopped saying our prayers on weekdays, when Vatican II banned such practices!"

Christopher Robin is saying his prayers on a Thursday. What a Traddie reactionary!

All bishops asked to leave Britain

Following the Vatican's issuing of marching orders to Cardinal O'Brien, it was announced today that the entire "Magic Circle" of British bishops (apart from Davies and Egan, apparently) has been given 24 hours to leave the country.

"Now, I've asked all the usual suspects to assemble here."

It is said that Pope Francis is unhappy with various aspects of the bishops' conduct, such as their disregard of orthodox teaching, their encouragement of heresy, and their toleration of blasphemous Masses.

Heresy? All I want to do is rewrite Catholic teaching from scratch.

It is not yet clear where the bishops will be sent to, but our inside sources (Twitter) suggest:

Nichols: North Korea; Conry: Iran; Burns: Afghanistan; Murphy-O'Connor: Libya.

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is said to be very relieved at the expulsion of the bishops, saying, "Since there are so few scandals in those dioceses which are sede vacante, it is clear that most bishops just get in the way. Maybe now we can get down to reviving orthodox Catholicism."

"Our flight should be boarding soon."

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

Magic Circle guilty of "inappropriate acts"

The Catholic church in England and Wales was reeling tonight after claims that a group of "Magic Circle" bishops had been engaged in "inappropriate acts."

Of course, the Scots have been reeling for some time.

An eye-witness, who has chosen to remain anonymous, told us what happened.

Witness: It was late at night, and the organic fairtrade herbal tea had been flowing quite freely, when some of the less restrained bishops started singing inappropriate songs.

Eccles: I see, and what sort of songs were these?

Witness: Well, it started with simple vulgarity like "Shine, Jesus, Shine," but then it became really offensive, and they began to sing Paul Inwood stuff: "Alleluia, Ch-Ch" and similar disgusting things. I didn't know where to turn.

A young Paul Inwood entertains a congregation in Portsmouth.

Eccles: I can see that you must have been really horrified. What happened next?

Witness: Well, I don't like to mention it in polite circles, but some of the bishops then produced magazines, and began reading out disgusting passages from them.

Eccles: Can you name one of these magazines for us? Take your time, if you are upset.

Witness: Well, the main one was the Tablet. There was some horrid woman called Pepinster writing in it: vile, shameful stuff that I didn't think any decent person would dare to put down on paper.

Top shelf only!

Eccles: And what did the bishops think of this?

Witness: Well, some of the bishops left hastily, as I did, but other were rubbing their hands and crying "There's one in the eye for the Pope!" Ugh, it makes me cringe just to think of that evening.

Eccles: Thank you very much, Mr Witness.

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

Damian Thompson exercises the right of reply

Damian Thompson, posing with a group of his most loyal readers.

I have always regarded Eccles as one of the most valued commentators on my Telegraph blog: his comments, made from the perspective of a truly saved person, have invariably been incisive and witty, and it was a great loss to all of us when he left the "Holy Smoke" community and decided to concentrate on his own blog.

Eccles - a man with very good hair.

Of course I do have one or two other brilliant commentators, with whom I engage regularly on my blog. For example, there is Eccles's Auntie Moly or "molybdenite," who may be a senile gin-soaked old thug, but who is nonetheless always ready to insult people in a way that I can only dream of emulating. Another person whose comments I appreciate is "Sister Muriel," from the church of St Daryl the Apostate down in the southwest, who tells me he is "a priest in good standing, sweetie."

But I digress. Eccles and I have shared many good times together, and I am very grateful to him for giving some publicity to the new hair salon that I have just opened. Here clients can get a truly Catholic haircut while listening to the sound of Gladys Mills playing Bach's Well-tempered Clavier.

My new hair salon

One question that I don't have the space to answer today is: "How on earth did a brilliant journalist like Cristina Odone, The John Humphrys of the Telegraph blogs as she calls herself, ever condescend to join my team?" Eccles describes her as "Damian's cook," and it is true that I rely on her for my morning cupcakes, but she is also a brilliant interrogator, one who does not hesitate to shout abuse at Chris Patten when we hear his voice on the Today Programme.

Eccles does not seem to have fully explained my relations with the "Magic Circle" of bishops which constitutes the main Vaticosceptic opposition to Pope Benedict XVI in this country. He seems to believe that I am in some ways less than totally enthusiastic about Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor. Well, this is not the case - I regard Cormac as a mentor, and as one of my closest friends.

The Cormac Singers performing Happy Birthday in my honour.

Indeed, at present I am rather worried because the Pope has sent Cormac off to Bangladesh as his special envoy - an arduous trip for an 80-year-old man, which will involve his sleeping in a snake-infested mangrove swamp and living on a diet of frogs and insects. If he survives this, the Holy Father is next proposing to send Cormac as special envoy to the South Pole in his unique Mission to the Penguins.

It's all right, Cardinal, I don't eat meat on Fridays.

Apart from that, Eccles's blog seems to be 100% accurate. As he claims, he is still staying with his aunt as my guest at Castle Thompson, and he really is one of my closest friends: I certainly would not be able to write my weekly Telegraph column without his invaluable ideas.

Thanks to Eccles, I am not unknown in Latin-speaking circles!