Pope Francis gives advice in an aeroplane

Knowing that Pope Francis regards aeroplanes mainly as places in which to impart new teaching, his press officer, Federico Lombardi, has negotiated for him the duty of doing the airline safety briefings. Nothing can go wrong, can it?

"Please give this encyclical your full attention."

Francis: Now, all you modern gnostics need to be restrained. Will you please BELT UP?

Lombardi: The Holy Father is asking you to fasten your seat belts, please.

F: There are six exits in this plane, plus an additional door of mercy leading into the pilots' cabin. In an emergency, you must go through the door of mercy.

L: This is not an ex cathedra change of doctrine, since the Holy Father is standing up, not sitting in his seat. His instructions may be interpreted as saying that you should leave by the usual exits.

Captain Dolan maintains that everything is under control.

F: If the oxygen supply fails, condoms will drop down...

L: ... oxygen masks...

F: Place the mask over your ear, unless you are the sort of rosary-counting museum mummy who insists on putting it over the mouth and nose!

L: This is fully in accordance with the teaching of Pope Paul VI. I can't actually find a reference for it, but I'm sure he said something rather like it.

"Should a pope sit quietly, or stand up and embarrass people?"

F: In the event of landing on water, please stay in the plane and drown. Unless you are a Christian hypocrite only interested in formalities, when you may find a life-jacket under your seat.

L: Pull the red tag to inflate it.

F: NO! That is the sign of a watered-down faith, and a weak-hoped Christian!

L: What do the light and whistle do?

F: They are there to attract attention. Alternatively, just put on a sombrero and say the first "doctrine" that comes into your head. It works for me!

L: Well, you got that right.

Do not inflate the sombrero before leaving the plane!

F: I'm a great fan of Emma Bonino, you know.

L: Yes, well that's all we've got time for. Enjoy your flight.