Pope Francis says "stop loving your neighbour"

After 2000 years, the Catholic Church is coming to terms with yet another new development of doctrine, as Pope Francis has announced that the old "rigid" teaching "Love your neighbour as yourself" needs revising. After all, he pointed out, a few minutes' Ignatian discernment will tell you that you are not supposed to love yourself, and therefore you should not love your neighbour either.

This "love your neighbour" stuff is too exhausting.

The new doctrine, to be expressed in an encyclical Non Plus Benevolens ("No more Mr Nice Guy"), will be welcomed by many Catholics who find that loving their neighbours is really too difficult.

Some of the key sentences from Non Plus Benevolens, which are expected to be tweeted interminably in parrot-fashion by Cardinal Napier, amongst others, are the following:

"If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. But only after giving them a good kicking."

"If someone asks you go a mile with them, give them a lift in your car, and drop them in the countryside ten miles from the nearest bus-stop."

"If a man demands your coat from you, then make sure you steal a better one from someone else."

"I'm finding it very hard to love those witless worms, Holy Father."

As one of the Pope's key advisers, Fr James Martin SJ, puts it, "Many New Testament scholars think that these were the messages Jesus was trying to convey, although being a Jesuit he left things completely obscure, which is only right."

Pope Francis also apologised for the recent Year of Mercy, which had not turned out as it should. Many Catholics had entered their local church through the Door of Mercy, not realising that the object of the game was to slam the door in the face of the neighbour following behind.

A Vatican-approved wrestling grip for making your neighbour surrender.

Non Plus Benevolens is expected to be a popular doctrine with liberal Catholics, and very much in line with secular "Every man for himself" practices. As the world's greatest theologian, Massimo Faggioli, points out, it is likely to evolve into "If I don't get my own way, I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick," which is considered to be much closer to the Anglican approach to doctrine (see under divorce, women priests, etc.)

Pope Francis gives advice in an aeroplane

Knowing that Pope Francis regards aeroplanes mainly as places in which to impart new teaching, his press officer, Federico Lombardi, has negotiated for him the duty of doing the airline safety briefings. Nothing can go wrong, can it?

"Please give this encyclical your full attention."

Francis: Now, all you modern gnostics need to be restrained. Will you please BELT UP?

Lombardi: The Holy Father is asking you to fasten your seat belts, please.

F: There are six exits in this plane, plus an additional door of mercy leading into the pilots' cabin. In an emergency, you must go through the door of mercy.

L: This is not an ex cathedra change of doctrine, since the Holy Father is standing up, not sitting in his seat. His instructions may be interpreted as saying that you should leave by the usual exits.

Captain Dolan maintains that everything is under control.

F: If the oxygen supply fails, condoms will drop down...

L: ... oxygen masks...

F: Place the mask over your ear, unless you are the sort of rosary-counting museum mummy who insists on putting it over the mouth and nose!

L: This is fully in accordance with the teaching of Pope Paul VI. I can't actually find a reference for it, but I'm sure he said something rather like it.

"Should a pope sit quietly, or stand up and embarrass people?"

F: In the event of landing on water, please stay in the plane and drown. Unless you are a Christian hypocrite only interested in formalities, when you may find a life-jacket under your seat.

L: Pull the red tag to inflate it.

F: NO! That is the sign of a watered-down faith, and a weak-hoped Christian!

L: What do the light and whistle do?

F: They are there to attract attention. Alternatively, just put on a sombrero and say the first "doctrine" that comes into your head. It works for me!

L: Well, you got that right.

Do not inflate the sombrero before leaving the plane!

F: I'm a great fan of Emma Bonino, you know.

L: Yes, well that's all we've got time for. Enjoy your flight.

The Year of Mercy - your questions answered

Well, the Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy is going swimmingly, but some people have sent us questions about it, so Uncle Eccles will see what he can do.

The logo by Marko Rupnik S.J., aged 7.

Today I accidentally went OUT through the Door of Mercy, rather than IN. Since then I have been feeling particularly merciless. Should I be worried?

It is permitted to leave church by the Door of Mercy, but to avoid any ill-effects you should reverse out, trying not to collide with anyone who may be coming in. Still, do take the opportunity to go IN again through the door, as soon as possible.

How many times do I have to go in through the Door of Mercy to get a badge?

You can be shown mercy even unto seventy-times-seven times. Make sure that your card is stamped by someone in authority.

I enjoyed Pope Benedict's Year of Faith, and now I am enjoying the Year of Mercy. What shall we see next?

It is unlikely that this pope will designate any more special years, even if he continues in office for a long time. However (according to the Jesuits) there should be many other cardinal virtues, so that we may see a Year of Hospitality, a Year of Humility, or a Year of Vigilance.

Pope-to-be Dolan enjoys the Year of Hospitality.

I want to use the logo as the basis of a cartoon strip Mercy Man about a skiing instructor with two heads. Would that be OK?

No, the logo is protected by copyright, and can only be used in spiritually nourishing contexts, such as this blog.

I have heard the Year of Mercy chant by Paul Inwood with amazement. Will he be writing any more music?

I'm afraid so. We did try to stop him, by sending in a rogue piano tuner to retune all his keys to the wrong notes. However, he never even noticed. What can one do?

"I'm playing all the right notes - but not necessarily in the right order."