Eddie responds to the queries of the faithful.
@pontifex: Hi, it's Eddie here. I'm hoping to become Pope one day, so I'm getting some work experience. Send me your questions!
@CardinalBurke: Bless you, Eddie. I don't suppose you've got the answers to my dubia, have you?
@pontifex: Hi, Eminence! I'll have a hunt round and see whether they've fallen down the back of the sofa or something!
@MelindaGates: Why doesn't the Church change its teaching on contraception? I am married to a very rich man, and so I expect value for money!
@pontifex: I'm only 15, Melinda, so this isn't really a problem for me. Still, we keep getting Do you wish to install the new Magisterium? messages, so maybe that's something to do with it?
@MelindaGates: I'm still confused about why Vatican I was followed by Vatican II, and not Vatican 98 or Vatican XP (isn't XP Christian?)
@pontifex: I'm told that the boss is going to call a new Vatican Council soon, to make Italian the official language of the Church and ban Latin for all time. I'll ask him if we can call it Vatican Vista.
@caroline_flack: Eddie, have you seen Love Island?
@pontifex: Sorry, Caroline, Mum won't let me watch it. But we do have a new Vatican TV show, Hate Island, where we send Spadaro, Winters, Rosica, Ivereigh, Martin, Mickens, etc. to an island and get them to write insulting articles about Catholics.
@michael_voris: Can I vote for Spadaro to be eaten by a crocodile?
@pontifex: No crocodiles, Michael. It seems that we've only got vultures, snakes, poisonous spiders, and blood-sucking bats. Oh, sorry, that's the list of participants!
@austeni: I was licking the corridor clean outside the Pope's apartment today, and saw the sign "Vietato Lamentarsi". What's all that about, Eddie?
@pontifex: Well, Austen, according to Google translate, it means "Forbidden to complain". We're all under orders to smile, smile, smile!
Your new-look Swiss Guards.