This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Intern takes over Pope's Twitter account

Twitter went into meltdown this week (I'm sorry, we're using Daily Telegraph journalistic style here), when the @pontifex Twitter account was handed over to Eddie, a 15-year-old intern, for the day, rather than being used for computer-generated Dalai-Lama-style platitudes, as is usually the case.


Eddie responds to the queries of the faithful.

@pontifex: Hi, it's Eddie here. I'm hoping to become Pope one day, so I'm getting some work experience. Send me your questions!

@CardinalBurke: Bless you, Eddie. I don't suppose you've got the answers to my dubia, have you?

@pontifex: Hi, Eminence! I'll have a hunt round and see whether they've fallen down the back of the sofa or something!

Melinda Gates

Hello, Eddie!

@MelindaGates: Why doesn't the Church change its teaching on contraception? I am married to a very rich man, and so I expect value for money!

@pontifex: I'm only 15, Melinda, so this isn't really a problem for me. Still, we keep getting Do you wish to install the new Magisterium? messages, so maybe that's something to do with it?

@MelindaGates: I'm still confused about why Vatican I was followed by Vatican II, and not Vatican 98 or Vatican XP (isn't XP Christian?)

@pontifex: I'm told that the boss is going to call a new Vatican Council soon, to make Italian the official language of the Church and ban Latin for all time. I'll ask him if we can call it Vatican Vista.

Love Island

@caroline_flack: Eddie, have you seen Love Island?

@pontifex: Sorry, Caroline, Mum won't let me watch it. But we do have a new Vatican TV show, Hate Island, where we send Spadaro, Winters, Rosica, Ivereigh, Martin, Mickens, etc. to an island and get them to write insulting articles about Catholics.

@michael_voris: Can I vote for Spadaro to be eaten by a crocodile?

@pontifex: No crocodiles, Michael. It seems that we've only got vultures, snakes, poisonous spiders, and blood-sucking bats. Oh, sorry, that's the list of participants!

Vietato Lamentarsi

@austeni: I was licking the corridor clean outside the Pope's apartment today, and saw the sign "Vietato Lamentarsi". What's all that about, Eddie?

@pontifex: Well, Austen, according to Google translate, it means "Forbidden to complain". We're all under orders to smile, smile, smile!


Your new-look Swiss Guards.


  1. Thank you, Eccles, for making us all feel better so that we really can actually smile.

  2. Ha...I am volunteering to run the rehabilitation programme on Hate Island.

    Firstly,all the inmates have to learn the Catechism

    Secondly, they will learn Latin and I don't mean the Samba or Tango

    The rest is a surprise.

  3. This was such a good laugh. More from Eddie the Intern please! Give that lad a full time job.

  4. Dear Eddie, How do you explain AL, aka The Sheer Joy o' Lurve in the light of Matthew 19:3-12?

    Eddie: Well, like, Matt was doing what Matt always does, crazy name, crazy guy, he...

    Questioner: ...and Mark 10: 1-12?

    Eddie: That guy Markie Mark, what a copy-cat, look, you just need to ... (goes away and consults his Supervisor) - ...It's just like I said, you just need to uninstall and reinstall...Or just switch off and get Switched On to Mercy, Dude! And smile, don't forget to smile - they have CCTV now to check that kinda thing.
    And hey, have you seen this adorable kitten video?...Anyway, as I said, Dude, that Holy Office stuff isn't a software program we support, we need to ask Cardinal M...Oh, sorry, I see I'm getting an out-of-office reply from him....Anyway, it seems you need to Talk to Microsoft...

    Questioner: (thinks: That's a lot less evasive than the answers I usually get from the va.)