This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Career options in the modern world

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am a particularly nasty piece of work. My way of relaxing in the evening is to pull the wings off butterflies or to torture sweet little kittens. So, watching the way poor Alfie Evans has been treated, I was pleased to see lots of possible new career openings.

hanging judge


It's a pity they abolished hanging. Unlike Peter Cook, I do have enough Latin to be a judge, and I would have loved to be able to sentence some screaming villain - or preferably someone totally innocent - to death by hanging. I look really nice in a black cap. Also, a judge is the boss in his own court (sorry, no inclusive language on this blog). Fawning barristers address him as "My Lord".

And in this modern era, judges can sentence people to death once more. Oh, not terrorists who kill hundreds of people, there's no fun in that. Still, they can sentence helpless children to death, by removal of water, nutrition, even air, if some doctors say it is the right thing to do. Then they watch the parents suffer! But they won't let judges wear a black cap.

Doc Morrissey


I wouldn't be a very good doctor. A priest came to see me complaining of clergyman's knee (this was one of those rigid priests who still thought that kneeling was an appropriate activity). I helped him by taking out his appendix out with a carving knife: the operation was a success but the patient died.

In the bad old days doctors had the Hippocratic oath, so abortion was out, and euthanasia was also forbidden. Especially the unwanted euthanasia of a child, where the parents were fighting for his life. Not any more! No matter if the whole world is shocked - the Pope, the Italian ambassador, the President of Poland, sundry other Americans, etc. Even Kim Jong-un said "Crikey! I wish I'd thought of that!"

laughing policeman


Hello, hello, hello! I want to join the police force to maintain law and order, to serve the causes of justice, and to help the public. So I could spend the night standing outside a child's hospital room, making sure that nobody came in and interfered with him by giving him oxygen or water! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Monty Python bishop


SITUATIONS VACANT. ARCHBISHOP OF KNOTTY ASH. Would suit someone who is vaguely interested in Catholicism (no previous experience necessary). Warning - if you're the sort who likes to give a moral lead on subjects such as putting children to death, then this job is not for you. No, we're looking for someone who will network well with non-Christians, and definitely won't rock the boat.

And don't even think about becoming Cardinal Archbishop of Elephant and Castle, as you have to have your spine removed as part of the terms and conditions of employment.

As Jesus said, "Well you *could* stick up for the weak and helpless, but I don't advise it as it might make you unpopular."

Queen opens Alder Hey

"I now declare this death camp open."


  1. Once again you have excelled yourself.

  2. Bravo. But you forgot "journalist."

  3. Well done.

    Shame on them all.

  4. Toadying-to-the-Establishment statement about the treatment of poor Alfie from English Catholic bishops was a disgraceful piece of politically correct waffle worthy of the C of E's psuedo-theology department. I feel Our Lord may want to have a word or two with them shortly.

  5. Near perfection, Eccles. But does HM do everything her ministers tell her to? Might she not, in that awful case, 'pull a Baudoin', as it were, and resign for the day? I suppose they could just have C. Cambrensis do it-- he might be willing.

  6. Archbishop of Knotty Ash! Now there's a thought! Would that Archbishop need a tickling stick? Many, many years ago I knew the place quite well.

  7. Ignoring the advice of his confrères, towards the end of his life and by now having very reluctantly been made a bishop, St. Alphonsus refused to travel to Naples to have a troublesome tooth removed, pointing out that as the poor people in his diocese couldn't afford a proper dentist then he would not use one either. Instead, he employed the local amateur 'dentist' to carry out the task. There were no painkillers used but the saint did clutch a crucifix throughout. I can only hope that when the Laodicean bishops of England and Wales had there spines removed, there was no anaesthetic used as that would to some extent expiate their decision to issue that emetic, worthless statement which they spewed out.

    The police involvement in this matter, however should not be criticised. After all, they're just following orders which is an excellent, time-worn defence.

  8. Eccles I love how you can take even the most horrible situation and turn it into a hilarious blog post and give us a much needed giggle. If you don't laugh, you cry. I've done all of that this week so Lord knows I need a good laugh.

  9. I'd be happier if this were further from fact