Career options in the modern world

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am a particularly nasty piece of work. My way of relaxing in the evening is to pull the wings off butterflies or to torture sweet little kittens. So, watching the way poor Alfie Evans has been treated, I was pleased to see lots of possible new career openings.

Judge.

It's a pity they abolished hanging. Unlike Peter Cook, I do have enough Latin to be a judge, and I would have loved to be able to sentence some screaming villain - or preferably someone totally innocent - to death by hanging. I look really nice in a black cap. Also, a judge is the boss in his own court (sorry, no inclusive language on this blog). Fawning barristers address him as "My Lord".

And in this modern era, judges can sentence people to death once more. Oh, not terrorists who kill hundreds of people, there's no fun in that. Still, they can sentence helpless children to death, by removal of water, nutrition, even air, if some doctors say it is the right thing to do. Then they watch the parents suffer! But they won't let judges wear a black cap.

Doctor.

I wouldn't be a very good doctor. A priest came to see me complaining of clergyman's knee (this was one of those rigid priests who still thought that kneeling was an appropriate activity). I helped him by taking out his appendix out with a carving knife: the operation was a success but the patient died.

In the bad old days doctors had the Hippocratic oath, so abortion was out, and euthanasia was also forbidden. Especially the unwanted euthanasia of a child, where the parents were fighting for his life. Not any more! No matter if the whole world is shocked - the Pope, the Italian ambassador, the President of Poland, sundry other Americans, etc. Even Kim Jong-un said "Crikey! I wish I'd thought of that!"

Policeman.

Hello, hello, hello! I want to join the police force to maintain law and order, to serve the causes of justice, and to help the public. So I could spend the night standing outside a child's hospital room, making sure that nobody came in and interfered with him by giving him oxygen or water! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Bishop.

SITUATIONS VACANT. ARCHBISHOP OF KNOTTY ASH. Would suit someone who is vaguely interested in Catholicism (no previous experience necessary). Warning - if you're the sort who likes to give a moral lead on subjects such as putting children to death, then this job is not for you. No, we're looking for someone who will network well with non-Christians, and definitely won't rock the boat.

And don't even think about becoming Cardinal Archbishop of Elephant and Castle, as you have to have your spine removed as part of the terms and conditions of employment.

As Jesus said, "Well you *could* stick up for the weak and helpless, but I don't advise it as it might make you unpopular."

"I now declare this death camp open."

Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

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Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

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Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.

Savin de doctor

We had de doctor ruond to see Anti Moly as she had an attack of roflitis, dats a serious illness she gets when she hears a joke and mannages to undderstand it (which frankly aint very often). She luaghs hysterically and cant stop rollin round de floor.

Here is a happy pitcher of Anti Moly luaghin fit to bust.

Well my bruvver Bosco is very concsientiuos, even when he is badly wuounded he don't forgit to save people. He discovvered dat de doctor was a Cathlic, and in spite of his bandagged state he managed to have a profuond thoelogical debate wiv him.

Bosco he told de doctor, "You see, we is gonna sit at de Lord’s feast, while many that finks demselves chosen shall be cast into outer darkness. If you is saved you is gonna wear a white robe and a golden crown in de New Jerussalem, and even poor dubm Eccles will be castin down his golden crown by de River of de Water of Life. I bin wuonded by dem viscious nuns, but I is soon gonna be born agin in a new body. Allaluia!"

De doctor has promissed to buy a cemment dove and put it on his wall to bow to, like we does in de Calumny Chappel.

He dont seem to be able to cure Anti Moly's roflitis, but he says she could git a dog as a comppanion an dis may help. De pet shopp have got a luvvly doggie dat mihgt be siutable for soemone of Anti Moly's temperamment. Dey say it is called Cerberrus but if we buys it, Anti finks it maybe needs to have 3 names as it got 3 heads (she was finkin of Micky, Rutzi and Rofls).

De other news is dat my bruvver is gonna be able to take off de banddages tommorow, de Lord sure is good at healin his chossen ones like Bosco.

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.

We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.

It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.

Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?