Eccles explains it to the bishops

All right, in you come. Nichols and McMahon at the front please, you've been getting very bad marks lately. Your auxiliaries next to you. The rest anywhere. Moth! Keep away from that candle flame, you'll burn yourself. No laughing, Stock. Egan, you're a bright lad, but try and sit away from the bad bishops, as they're only trying to lead you astray.

The bishops are ready to learn.

Now, Pope Francis has asked me to explain some Catholic doctrine about children, the family, euthanasia, and so on. He was horrified that you seem to be so weak on Catholic teaching. Even Parolin was shocked.

Now, boys, what do we do when a child is seriously ill? Starve him to death, take him somewhere where he can be looked after, go to law to stop the parents having a say in what happens to him, ignore him completely? Any suggestions?

Smith, don't do that! Burns, stop scratching. Arnold, put that away!

All right, here's an easier one. Who is most likely to give love and care to a sick child? His parents, a judge with a strong anti-Catholic prejudice, a doctor who wants to withdraw food and drink?

Yes, these are difficult ethical issues, at least for a bishop with the intelligence of a goldfish.

Very offended at being mistaken for a Catholic bishop.

All right, Nichols, I know what you're going to say. The Holy Father is trying to seek political capital - pushing pro-life and family concerns onto the agenda - rather than curling up on the floor and letting Alder Hey tickle his tummy. Well, take it up with him.

Career options in the modern world

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am a particularly nasty piece of work. My way of relaxing in the evening is to pull the wings off butterflies or to torture sweet little kittens. So, watching the way poor Alfie Evans has been treated, I was pleased to see lots of possible new career openings.

Judge.

It's a pity they abolished hanging. Unlike Peter Cook, I do have enough Latin to be a judge, and I would have loved to be able to sentence some screaming villain - or preferably someone totally innocent - to death by hanging. I look really nice in a black cap. Also, a judge is the boss in his own court (sorry, no inclusive language on this blog). Fawning barristers address him as "My Lord".

And in this modern era, judges can sentence people to death once more. Oh, not terrorists who kill hundreds of people, there's no fun in that. Still, they can sentence helpless children to death, by removal of water, nutrition, even air, if some doctors say it is the right thing to do. Then they watch the parents suffer! But they won't let judges wear a black cap.

Doctor.

I wouldn't be a very good doctor. A priest came to see me complaining of clergyman's knee (this was one of those rigid priests who still thought that kneeling was an appropriate activity). I helped him by taking out his appendix out with a carving knife: the operation was a success but the patient died.

In the bad old days doctors had the Hippocratic oath, so abortion was out, and euthanasia was also forbidden. Especially the unwanted euthanasia of a child, where the parents were fighting for his life. Not any more! No matter if the whole world is shocked - the Pope, the Italian ambassador, the President of Poland, sundry other Americans, etc. Even Kim Jong-un said "Crikey! I wish I'd thought of that!"

Policeman.

Hello, hello, hello! I want to join the police force to maintain law and order, to serve the causes of justice, and to help the public. So I could spend the night standing outside a child's hospital room, making sure that nobody came in and interfered with him by giving him oxygen or water! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Bishop.

SITUATIONS VACANT. ARCHBISHOP OF KNOTTY ASH. Would suit someone who is vaguely interested in Catholicism (no previous experience necessary). Warning - if you're the sort who likes to give a moral lead on subjects such as putting children to death, then this job is not for you. No, we're looking for someone who will network well with non-Christians, and definitely won't rock the boat.

And don't even think about becoming Cardinal Archbishop of Elephant and Castle, as you have to have your spine removed as part of the terms and conditions of employment.

As Jesus said, "Well you *could* stick up for the weak and helpless, but I don't advise it as it might make you unpopular."

"I now declare this death camp open."

English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

Following a report describing the Catholic Bishops' Conference of England and Wales as a "spineless bunch of jellies", Pope Francis has decided to dismiss all the bishops and replace them with jelly-babies. "They may be a little rigid," he admitted, "but they're a lot cheaper to maintain, and most people will notice very little difference."

Your new-look bishops. Cardinals in red, of course.

Although individually some of the bishops (Egan, Davies, ...) do regularly show signs of non-gelatinous behaviour, it has been noticed that, when they gather together, their collective decisions are a disaster. It is best to clean out the fridge entirely, and start again.

This week, the bishops had a four-day party in Hinsley Hall, Leeds, and were fortified by a massive supply of cinnabons left over from Arthur Roche's days and some vintage Nuits Saint Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire Burgundy).

The bishops must have considered making a joint statement on the decision of Ealing Council to promote the culture of death (abortuaries), block free speech, and ban vigils. This would have offended the pressure groups 40 Days for Death and Bad Counsel Network, of course, and made the Catholic Church do something that Jesus never intended - shine a light into the darkness of secular death-culture. Bishop Egan, to his credit, had already spoken out, but we have failed to locate any statement from the Cardinal Archjelly of Westminster.

The CBCEW pose for a group photo.

More bizarrely, the jellies issued a statement on the Alfie Evans case, in which the State is trying to enforce euthanasia on a child whose illness has not been properly diagnosed, going against the wishes of the parents to seek treatment away from Alder Hey hospital. Apparently, it is in the "best interests" of the child that he be bumped off (and sadly, we think this will ultimately happen); if you have any comments suggesting the removal of life-support facilities (such as food and drink) from brain-dead members of the judiciary, you should probably keep them to yourself.

It's nice, once in a while, to see something good in Pope Francis.

What the bishops didn't notice, in their cinnabon-induced stupor, is that Pope Francis is sticking up for Alfie. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, "We didn't even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you'll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha." So that puts paid to Vincent Nichols's dreams of being Pope Francis II, and we'll probably end up with Tobin instead. Nighty-night, Catholic Church, we did love you, Baby.

LATE NEWS: Cardinal Vincent Nichols has issued an angry statement on the Pope's decision to replace him. "Wobble, wobble, blobble, globble, wobble!" he says. That's telling him!