This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 20 April 2018

English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

Following a report describing the Catholic Bishops' Conference of England and Wales as a "spineless bunch of jellies", Pope Francis has decided to dismiss all the bishops and replace them with jelly-babies. "They may be a little rigid," he admitted, "but they're a lot cheaper to maintain, and most people will notice very little difference."

jelly babies

Your new-look bishops. Cardinals in red, of course.

Although individually some of the bishops (Egan, Davies, ...) do regularly show signs of non-gelatinous behaviour, it has been noticed that, when they gather together, their collective decisions are a disaster. It is best to clean out the fridge entirely, and start again.

This week, the bishops had a four-day party in Hinsley Hall, Leeds, and were fortified by a massive supply of cinnabons left over from Arthur Roche's days and some vintage Nuits Saint Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire Burgundy).

The bishops must have considered making a joint statement on the decision of Ealing Council to promote the culture of death (abortuaries), block free speech, and ban vigils. This would have offended the pressure groups 40 Days for Death and Bad Counsel Network, of course, and made the Catholic Church do something that Jesus never intended - shine a light into the darkness of secular death-culture. Bishop Egan, to his credit, had already spoken out, but we have failed to locate any statement from the Cardinal Archjelly of Westminster.


The CBCEW pose for a group photo.

More bizarrely, the jellies issued a statement on the Alfie Evans case, in which the State is trying to enforce euthanasia on a child whose illness has not been properly diagnosed, going against the wishes of the parents to seek treatment away from Alder Hey hospital. Apparently, it is in the "best interests" of the child that he be bumped off (and sadly, we think this will ultimately happen); if you have any comments suggesting the removal of life-support facilities (such as food and drink) from brain-dead members of the judiciary, you should probably keep them to yourself.

It's nice, once in a while, to see something good in Pope Francis.

What the bishops didn't notice, in their cinnabon-induced stupor, is that Pope Francis is sticking up for Alfie. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, "We didn't even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you'll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha." So that puts paid to Vincent Nichols's dreams of being Pope Francis II, and we'll probably end up with Tobin instead. Nighty-night, Catholic Church, we did love you, Baby.

LATE NEWS: Cardinal Vincent Nichols has issued an angry statement on the Pope's decision to replace him. "Wobble, wobble, blobble, globble, wobble!" he says. That's telling him!


  1. I wrote to the Conference as follows:

    Dear me the Conference of Catholic Bishops of England & Wales at it again. One really wonders.

    They write:

    'The professionalism and care for severely ill children shown at Alder Hey Hospital is to be recognised and affirmed. We know that recently reported public criticism of their work is unfounded as our chaplaincy care for the staff, and indeed offered to the family, has been consistently provided.'

    Just what is that supposed to mean? Are they suggesting that what the Hospital has done is the result of their 'chaplaincy care for the staff'? I sincerely hope not and suggest it is unlikely.

    'chaplaincy care ... indeed offered to the family' I would have imagined that it was given to to the family not merely offered. Or did the parents actually refuse it?

    Then we have:

    'We note the offer of the Bambino Gesu Hospital in Rome to care for Alfie Evans. It is for that hospital to present to the British Courts, where crucial decisions in conflicts of opinion have to be taken, the medical reasons for an exception to be made in this tragic case.'

    Obviously they have not understood what this case is about and how perverse the English Courts are. It is not a question of medical reasons but questions about the value of life, whether death is preferable to suffering, the rights of the parents to decide these issues unless they intend harm, whether 'quality of life' is to be the criterion when deciding on life and death, whether if ventilation is removed the child will be fed and watered, whether certain death if ventilation is removed is to be preferred to possible death arising when the child is in course of transport to another hospital. These are the vital issues that should concern the Bishops rather than trying to uncritically accept what the Hospital and the Courts have done.

  2. Bite their little jelly heads off Eccles! (Bake them in Eccles cakes and they melt into a rainbow.)

  3. Bishop replies: I think this is a very offensive suggestion to Mohammedan sensibilities as jelly contains pig fat. How about jellyfish? Although on second thoughts, perhaps not so appropriate: they tend to shrivel up in the heat and although they go out of their way to look inoffensive they have a nasty sting..... What's that? What did you say back there?

  4. It's a well established fact in medical circles that reading any statement issued by the Bishops of England and Wales is extremely bad for your health. Emergency Departments up and down the country particularly dread weekends when 'Pastoral Letters' from Cardinal Nichols are read out at Mass. The number of paragraphs that you plough through is inversely proportional to your ongoing will to live. Their statement last year issued on the 50th anniversary of the passing of the 1967 Abortion Act was four pages long. FOUR PAGES! I picked up a copy but could only manage about three sentences (and I don't think I even finished those). St.John Chrysostom would have said it a lot more succinctly and without killing so many trees.

    On a side issue, this article could help crack the mystery of Bishop Tobin's tweet. He may have been talking with a fellow bishop across the Pond and meant to sign off with 'Nighty-night, Jellybaby!' Just a theory.

  5. I guess the key phrase is "internalise the commands of our enemies or oppressors". That has become the modus operandi of the post-war Church. Many blame the Council but the problem predates it. Some young people are starting to wake up to the disaster but are doing so outside of the Church. Inside, we remain intellectually moribund.

  6. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, "We didn't even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you'll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha."

    Good one!
    However, let it be noted that Pope Francis DID NOT replace anyone with anything, sadly.

  7. I quelled at the Island of Terror, then,
    so concurrent with Conciliar trends --
    indeed just one year within.

    Perhaps the silicates are back?

    John Harris: You know that I'm not a man who's easily shaken, Dr. Landers. But by all that's holy, I've just seen somethin' I can't be sure about. I - I think it's Ian Bellows.
    Dr. Reginald Landers: You think it's Ian? Well, what's happened to him?
    Constable John Harris: I don't know. His body's all like - like jelly.
    Dr. Reginald Landers: Jelly?
    Constable John Harris: Aye. There was no face. Just a horrible mush with the eyes sittin' in it.